Cannot support my sisters affair

[Lishy]

Please help

 

My sister has been with her husband for over 30 years - 2 Children who are adults

 

He is a lovely man who is more like a brother to me

 

I love my sister, we are more like best friends than sisters and we have always supported each other

 

She started talking to a man online a year or so ago and decided that she wanted to know how it would feel to have sex with another man as the only person she had been with was her husband - So she did - He is married too and they met in hotels for sex

 

Fast forward 6 months and he has left his wife and kid and she has left her husband blaming him for being abusive, he was abusive to her because he smelled a rat and knew she was playing away

 

So he is living with family and she is in a place rented for her by her husband until the house sells

 

OM's wife and child are distraught as he told them the truth but my sister has not told the truth and so they are still seeing each other on the sly and this is where the problem lays

 

My sister has turned from a woman of principle to a lying cheat who is using everyone to her advantage, she has not told the truth because she wants money from her STBX and expects him to financially support her as she does not work plus OM has put money in her account - She shows no remorse for breaking up a family and walking away from hers. It is like she has become someone I do not know anymore

 

She has the OM visiting her at the flat she is renting with her STBXs money and I think its wrong on every level and I really cannot support this

 

The OM seems to not care about how much he has upset his son who is only 13 and his wife is so upset and has now obtained a picture of my sister so I feel its only a matter of time before she blows my sisters lies open

 

I cannot bare this - My family will turn against me for knowing this and they will disown her for the lies and for letting her STBX go to therapy to deal with his jealousy issues when he was right all along and he had reason to be jealous!

 

I do not want to be any part of this - The OM sounds like a dick and my sister cannot see what is infront of her, everything she tells me about him is a red flag - My family will also fall out with me over this if/when it comes out

 

HELP!!!! I need to work out how I deal with this without falling out with her but still keeping true to myself????

Edited July 24, 2017 by Lishy

[PegNosePete]

I do not want to be any part of this - The OM sounds like a dick and my sister cannot see what is infront of her, everything she tells me about him is a red flag - My family will also fall out with me over this if/when it comes out

Did you tell all this to your sister?

If not, this is where I'd start.

[Chaparral]

I would send some anonymous emails out to her husband and your family.

I wouldn't think twice about keeping her friendship over the rest on my family. If she will stab her husband and kids in the back she will stab you too.

[BetrayedH]

The fact is that your sister has put you (and everyone) in this awful position. At some point you have to decide to stop protecting the perpetrator. Do the decent thing by the STBXH and give him the facts. I had PTSD from the stress of not knowing WTF was really going on in my life. The guy needs to be able to make informed decisions, not torture himself while others play him for the fool. It's just common decency. If your sister doesn't have it, I think you should.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Lishy, your sister has chosen a destructive pathway in every way. She has turned away from most of what is good and has turned to that which is evil in that she's stealing money from her husband, lying to him, committing adultery; three sins.

 

So, you are living an upright life. That is why this schism in thinking has occurred between you and your sister. You can't expect not to have a falling out with her at this point because you and she have chosen very different paths and light and darkness don't coexist.

 

Seems to me you need to do the right thing here. (Btw, the right thing is always the most loving thing because the right thing restores the situation to health).

 

In your place I'd go to my sister, after praying for her and about the situation she's in and also asking God for wisdom in talking with her, and show her what you've written here and tell her you can no longer be a part of it because you love her and because this is all going to hurt her in the long term. I would also put her on notice that I was going to tell her husband and the rest of the family, out of love for her. Because if your family knows, they can rally around her and try to talk some sense into her before she ruins her life completely.

 

I would tell her all of this in a very loving way, emphasizing that you love her very much and are doing this for her best good. I would tell her that I expect she may be angry at me for going to her husband and the rest of the family but that receiving her anger and bearing up under the pain of it is one of the costs of your love for her and also is the price you are paying for her bad decisions. Let her know it's just the beginning of the fallout from her bad choices but that it has been her choices that have led to what you need to do.

 

I would also incorporate the thoughts during your talk with her that you also love your family and your brother-in-law and what you are doing is out of love for your entire family.

 

Tell her your arms are always open to her but you must be honest, and not a part of deceit in any form.

 

She most likely will be angry with you and may cut you off. But, when she comes to her senses, as she may do one day, she'll realize you took action because of your love for her and for your family. Then she may come to you and you can welcome her back with open arms and forgiveness for the pain she's caused everyone. She will always trust and respect you because you made hard choices in order to do the right thing.

 

Sending prayers for you as you continue on forward.

Edited July 24, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[somanymistakes]

Messy situation, yeah.

 

The best I can suggest is to try and sit down and organise a very calm and logical message to your sister. In this message, don't try to sound like you're taking sides, just that you're pointing out the FACTS to her.

 

Tell her that she's an adult and has the right to leave her marriage if she wants to, but not to lie to her husband and take advantage of him. Tell her that her 'secret' will absolutely come out one way or another (as you say, the OM's wife knows), and the longer she lies about it the worse the consequences will be.

 

After that, you can either point out that if she doesn't tell within a week you will - or if you don't trust her not to blame everything on YOU when her back is to the wall, don't even warn her, just give her a deadline in your head and then inform the people who need to be informed.

 

There's no point in going at her about the morality of leaving her marriage, she's not going to care about that and it will just make her tune you out. She's also not going to listen if you defend her husband for his 'abusive' behavior. (And if he beat her up, even if she was cheating, the marriage is over anyway.) Those parts don't really matter right now.

[central]

I agree: tell your sister what you think, and inform everyone anonymously about what's going on.

 

 

It sucks that she's using STBX, but in most places it won't matter - if she's divorcing him, she'll get alimony, perhaps for life (or until she remarries), even if she's the one at fault. However, without a court order, he could cut off her funds and force her to file in order to get support while the divorce is processed, so informing him would do some good, IMO. As for lying and misleading him, that is very wrong and abusive. He needs to know.

Edited July 24, 2017 by central

[Chaparral]

From what I have seen on these boards, I hope

The others are right but what I think will happen if you confront your sister is she will turn on you like a junk yard dog. Your sister is no different than any other drug addict. No one will get in her way until she hits rock bottom. When everyone finds out it may wake her up.

[Superchicken]

Your sister is too far gone into "Selfish Mode".

There's NO POINT in talking to her, like some suggested.

What do you think you will say to your sister ?. Maybe over a spot of tea, she will all of a sudden, come to her senses ?. Noooooooooo

 

 

Forget it..

Just let it all out to her husband, who HAS been a GOOD MAN, and I suppose, a great father.

Looked after your pissy sister for so long, and because she wanted to feel a salami, she screwed EVERYONE up. Her husband, her kids, you, and entire other family, and the rest of YOUR family.

 

 

Give me a break.

Let it out, and clear yourself of ongoing mental pain.

Give the poor H a leg to stand on, as its not his fault.

Man, after for 30 years ?.. She stabs him like that.

What a, hmmm, lets not use foul language.

 

 

Do it.

Spill the beans, and you will feel better.

Everyone, except your sister, will forgive..

So, who cares what she feels..

 

 

Ted.

[Clay]

To me this is easy but I understand that its not with others. I would just be honest with my family and tell them if they want to take her word over yours then its best they are not part of your life right now.

 

Take some time out and remove yourself and your immediate family. Its not your job to get them to be decent people. Its your job to take care of yourself. Be supportive to your sisters kids.

 

As far as your sister is concerned I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She would be written off in my mind.

 

I am sorry your going through this.

[elaine567]

Personally i think you need to take a step back.

This is NOT your marriage and whilst it may seem "right" to get fully on the side of her STBX husband and chastise and ostracise your sister, you may find the STBX moves on, finds a new love and disappears out of all of your lives. Leaving you to try and mend serious rifts with your sister and your family.

YOU many think your family will disown her but often blood IS thicker than water,, and whilst they may not exactly be happy with her, she may survive this virtually intact as far as the family is concerned. Abusive husbands are rarely looked upon kindly by family and if you end up taking his side, then it may be you that ends up out on your ear.

 

I guess the husband is not paying your sister's rent out of the goodness of his heart, he probably has consulted a lawyer and paying her rent may be his best option in the circumstances at the moment.

I know that a divorced sahm with no job is no longer always owed a meal ticket for life, but 30 years is a long, long time married and she may indeed be able to take him to the cleaners here.

 

Don't get involved.

Be there to support your sister if she needs it, as she probably will and stay out of all the judgemental stuff.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is no excuse for her STBX to be abusive, no matter what the situation. I would always be there for my sibling especially if you have a long history of a close relationship. I would tell her what I think, but then leave it up to her to tell (or not) everyone.

 

I had close friends cheat and do questionable things. I never even thought of informing their boyfriends or husbands. I was there to listen, give advice but then mind my own business. My loyalty was never to their partners.

[road]

I would send some anonymous emails out to her husband and your family.

I wouldn't think twice about keeping her friendship over the rest on my family. If she will stab her husband and kids in the back she will stab you too.

 

The fact is that your sister has put you (and everyone) in this awful position. At some point you have to decide to stop protecting the perpetrator. Do the decent thing by the STBXH and give him the facts. I had PTSD from the stress of not knowing WTF was really going on in my life. The guy needs to be able to make informed decisions, not torture himself while others play him for the fool. It's just common decency. If your sister doesn't have it, I think you should.

 

Anonymous emails are not believed and they are easy for a WW to

blame somebody hates me, revenge, is the reason why for this is

no truth to the emails.

 

As Betrayed said do the right thing and expose this affair. Do not

warn your sister or threaten her to stop or you will expose for

those things never stop the affair.

[knabe]

Abusive husbands are rarely looked upon kindly by family

 

 

Ummmm....from what I understand the abuse accusation is a smoke screen. He's getting treatment for "jealousy problems" when he is exactly right to be jealous.

 

OP, it will likely do no good to talk with your sister. But I would still try. And I'd let her know that you plan to expose the truth if she won't do it herself.

[Superchicken]

There is no excuse for her STBX to be abusive, no matter what the situation. I would always be there for my sibling especially if you have a long history of a close relationship. I would tell her what I think, but then leave it up to her to tell (or not) everyone.

 

I had close friends cheat and do questionable things. I never even thought of informing their boyfriends or husbands. I was there to listen, give advice but then mind my own business. My loyalty was never to their partners.

 

This is family.

So what if your brother in law was having sex with some one else, and you knew about it.

Would you tell your sister ?.

 

 

Ummmmm, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !.

 

 

 

 

Ted.

[Zona]

If you can contact OM's wife, just beg her to tell your sister's STBXH and give contact info if necessary. I think it's more appropriate that she be the one to inform him. He has every right to know. By doing nothing you are enabling your sister's disgusting behavior.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Zona

[elaine567]

Fast forward 6 months and he has left his wife and kid and she has left her husband blaming him for being abusive, he was abusive to her because he smelled a rat and knew she was playing away

 

So he is living with family and she is in a place rented for her by her husband until the house sells.

 

 

The STBX doens't need told about the affair, he already knows.

[stillafool]

OP, how old is your sister and her lover?

[l8estnews]

In stories like these, I always think about the Betrayed spouses, especially the kids involved.... If only people knw how much pain and trauma these selfishness can cause. Ugh!

[somanymistakes]

Anonymous emails are not believed and they are easy for a WW to

blame somebody hates me, revenge, is the reason why for this is

no truth to the emails.

 

As Betrayed said do the right thing and expose this affair. Do not

warn your sister or threaten her to stop or you will expose for

those things never stop the affair.

 

It's not about stopping the affair at this point though, IMO. That boat has already sailed. It's about dealing with the divorce in a fair and transparent manner.

 

Her STBX suspects, but just because he lashed out in jealousy doesn't mean he's ever had proof. On the other hand depending on exactly how he "got abusive" (which we don't know yet) it might be unsafe to tell him.

[wmacbride]

op,

I can't tell you what to do, but here are a few points to consider.

 

first, you need to be able to live with your conscience. If telling her husband fits into your value system, then tell him.

 

secondly, juts because someone is your sister, that doesn't mean you have to support or even condone her behavior. If it's eating you up inside keeping the secret, then tell him. If you think you can keep it and be okay, then don't.

 

To sum it up...listen to your gut and do what you think is right.

[Lishy]

Wow .... loads of replies ... thank you

 

Ok to tell my BIL is not an option, my sister is my sister and we are ride or die as a rule

My issue is that I am really struggling to support her in this, I find it shabby and despicable and in the end the truth will out

 

I have told my sister today that I do not want to talk about this cheat again and that I do not respect the situation ... I cannot offer her what she wants as she doesn't want to hear my truth

 

I have been cheated on and it is hideous so my compassion lays with his wife and child to be honest but my loyalty has always been with my sister

 

I have not net this man and do not want to and it is coming between me and her and now I have told her not to mention him to me again they will just make the divide bigger and I am so upset

 

This is all ego driven on her behalf and I hate it ��

Edited July 24, 2017 by Lishy

[BetrayedH]

The STBX doens't need told about the affair, he already knows.

 

There are numerous references in the original post that indicate that this is still "on the sly, that the BH is in therapy for his "jealousy" issues, that her "sister's lies are going to come out." I think it's fair to say that the BH suspects but doesn't "know."

 

I think some clarity on this would help, as well as some clarity on the "abusive" claim. If he's being painted as "emotionally abusive" because of his jealousy issues, the the guy is angry and suspects he's being gaslighted. If that's the case, his anger at her is not unfounded and he deserves the truth. If he's being physically abusive, that's another conversation.

[Lishy]

There are numerous references in the original post that indicate that this is still "on the sly, that the BH is in therapy for his "jealousy" issues, that her "sister's lies are going to come out." I think it's fair to say that the BH suspects but doesn't "know."

 

I think some clarity on this would help, as well as some clarity on the "abusive" claim. If he's being painted as "emotionally abusive" because of his jealousy issues, the the guy is angry and suspects he's being gaslighted. If that's the case, his anger at her is not unfounded and he deserves the truth. If he's being physically abusive, that's another conversation.

 

Ok so OMs wife knows as he told her ... my sisters husband believes that she heft as he was verbally abusive accusing her of cheating and making threats

 

He is a great guy but I am scared of what he would do if he found out for sure she was cheating even though he has never been physically abusive

[l8estnews]

Ok to tell my BIL is not an option, my sister is my sister and we are ride or die as a rule

My issue is that I am really struggling to support her in this, I find it shabby and despicable and in the end the truth will out

 

Okay, I'll be brutally honest.

 

First of all, I appreciate the fact that you are loyal to your sister. But it's funny that the main issue that you are struggling with here is her own loyalty to her husband.

 

Girl, you have a very unhealthy, and even blind loyalty to your sister.

 

Your sister is emotionally crushing, not just one but three innocent people.

 

1.) Your brother-in-law, who in your own words, is a good man.

2.) The Other Man's Child, who is surely not just devastated but maybe traumatized by the situation and the sudden abandonment of his own father.

3.) That wife who might have been a very good person who just happened to have married a despicable guy.

 

Now, these people have nothing to do with your sister's actions. They are victims of the situation and they can't do anything about what is happening to them right now. These people are suffering emotionally.

 

But there is one person who can bring light of the situation who CAN DO something about them. And that is you.

 

Girl, this world is full of sh*t. A lot of people are suffering depression, poverty, loneliness, injustice and even though as a human being, we wanted to help all of them, we just can't. We can't help all of them.

 

But you, on the other hand, can help 3 people.

 

 

...... and you chose inaction because the cause of their suffering is your sister and you "are ride or die as a rule?"