Ambivalent about BF's Kid

[Knittress]

I have been in a wonderfully loving stable relationship for the past ten months. We're so happy together that even a cautious commitment-phobe like myself thinks this may be 'the one'. But there's a catch - he has a five year old daughter. I don't know if I like kids but I don't know that DON'T like them either. I'm an only child, most of my friends were only children, I have no extended family and my babysitting experience is zilch.

 

My boyfriend has his daughter every other weekend so I see her only a few times a month. Being a naturally caring and playful person the little girl and I get along great. But I have to admit - she soon wears me down and I find myself getting annoyed. My friends with more child-exposure assure me that this is perfectly normal, but from comments dropped by my friends and mother to the gist of "I bet you're in love with her already" I worry that I must be missing some sort of 'maternal gene.' While I've been softening up a lot lately and my children-ruin-your-life attitude is becoming a little more moderate, I'm still not quite the type to coo at babies. At 23 I'm too busy being young, idealistic, and career-centric (after all I didn't gather all this student debt to wipe noses and change diapers.)

 

To be completely and appalling honest, I'd have to admit that I wish she didn't exist. Without her I could easily see my love and I doing Peace Corps together, living in Geneva as interpreters, or doing some sort of international aid work. But he's willing to sacrifice those dreams to help raise his daughter, and while I applaud and respect him immensely for that it doesn't stop the occasional irrational thought of 'why did my soulmate have to ruin MY life my impregnating some annoying hoodrat at sixteen?' I know these feelings are unfair, selfish, and immature, and I would never let them extend to my treatment of the little one - but I feel a lot of guilt about it and worry that they could unconsciously influence my actions. A child deserves better, and I don't want to fail her the way my stepparents did me. I'm aware too that such resentment towards my boyfriend and hostility towards her mother hardly help things. My boyfriend hasn't been kept in the dark about these feelings, but I try not to burden him too much with what I know are essentially MY issues.

 

I would like children some day, and part of me hopes that in the ensuing years while waiting to find out where this relationship is headed I might find myself more able to cope with being a parent-type-person. A lot can happen over five years when you're only in your early 20s. At the moment my boyfriend and I are pursuing our common dreams of going back to school and plan to move in together with another girl in a roommate-type situation. I think that this might be a good indicator of whether things could work out for us while still keeping things from moving too fast. Does this seem rational or self-deluding?

 

Most of my anxiety stems from my worry of never growing into a parental-type person, not loving the child like I should, and the worry that I'm too neurotic to be a good influence on a malleable human soul. Is that enough reason to break it off now, or would that be killing a potentially great thing before it even has a chance?

 

What's best for the child?

[HeyYouGuys]

I think you have a good head on your shoulders for 23.

 

Truthfully, many PARENTS experience ambivalence much of the time. Children can be wonderful, but they are also exhausting and time-consuming, not to mention needy and demanding. I know parents who tell me there are times they wish they could run away forever...even though I know they love their children more than life itself.

 

Think about it, if a parent can fiercely love their own biological child....yet still wish they could dump the parenthood role from time to time...it's no surprise that after ten months of dealing with someone else's child, you sometimes feel impatient and irritable.

 

People tend to gloss over the more difficult aspects of parenting. "Oh, you must just love her already!"

Statements like that don't leave room for the feelings of frustration and ambivalence you speak of. Many women with children who spend time together do talk about the inherent frustrations of raising children. Try reading some books like 'The Mask of Motherhood' or 'I'm OK, You're a Brat' and see that one of the most common complaints is

 

"Why didn't anyone tell me it would be like this????"

 

Seems many women feel that they have been kept in the dark until the actual day arrives when they become mothers. Then the dark side is revealed, "Oh yes, you never sleep. You have no time for yourself. It's exhausting. You always feel like you're doing it wrong....etc etc"

 

 

So, anyway...

 

Your feelings are not 'wrong' per se. However, you will have to make some difficult decisions along the way with regards to this relationship if you truly feel parenting is not a role you want to take on.

 

My best friend is in a similar situation; the love of her life has a seven year old son who is a real handful. There are times when she feels ready to pull her hair out!

 

It takes time to bond with a child. Even parents of newborns don't always find themselves flooded with loving feelings. Some mourn their freedom for quite some time. Or they have postpartum depression. It can take up to a year for a mother to feel true 'love' for her child.

 

Consider that it's really been a short time that you have known this child. Let time pass. As she gets older, she will be able to relate to you better and she may become more interesting to you.

 

I'd give the relationship at least another six months to a year before deciding to bail. And take it slow.

[littlekitty]

I'll keep it short, and if you want to ask anything feel free!!

 

I'm very much like you. Never really had many children around me growing up, became an independant career girl with no desire for children until later in life. Wasn't even good at relating to children for years.

 

It's taken until I was about 28 and my best friend had her son for me to actually start feeling 'maternal instincts'. They have now kicked in, and I'm getting married next year and will then be ready to try for my own baby!

 

My SO has a 2 year old son who we have every single weekend, and I couldn't be happier!

 

I don't think at 23 you should necessarily be concerned that you aren't feeling overly maternal. But you should think long and hard about your involvement in his childs life, if you are not willing to give 100% to the little girl, perhaps you need to rethink things. She is there, and being the child, she has to come first.

[arthur200]

Kids really do change things, that's for certain.

 

My fiancée comes with two ready built kids, a 7 year old boy and a 9 year old girl. Before I met her I had no exposure to, or experience with kids. I had the perfect bachelor's life, good job, nice house, great friends, no responsibility and a tonne of free time.

 

That's all a bit different now, every evening and weekend is filled with playing with the kids, making sure they're washed and fed, taking them to parties, listening to the songs they learnt at school, hearing about how friend X called friend Y a stinky Pooh and how friend Z told... etc.

 

They used to see their father once a month but that has now stopped (that's a whole thread in itself). So my life since they moved in with me has become rather different. Most of the time I quite enjoy it, but there are plenty of moments that I get angry with them for existing, for taking away the "honeymoon" period with me and my fiancée, for being so Dependant on grown ups, for filling up my garage with bikes and toys, etc.

 

Taking a role in a child's life is not something you do lightly, I have to admit I underestimated how much of an impact it would have on my life. But if you can take on board that you have a chance to give a positive influence on a small person's life as they grow up, you can and will enjoy "most" of it.

 

It really is a privilege, and worth making a few sacrifices for, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

[littlekitty]

It really is a privilege, and worth making a few sacrifices for, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

 

Wonderfully put, and not far from what a natural parent would say I imagine!!

[Guest]

well you will have to respect that he does have no choice unless he want s to be a peice of SH-- to sacrifice a lot, i am a single mom, i have to sacrifice sooooooooooooooooooooooo much. thats not going to change, but there is a light, if you are in love, then help him raise the kid and when its grown you can go to geneva, i would def talk to him about this, personally i wouldnt be with anyone who had those underlying thoughts cuz i would feel like i am keeping them from their life then. anyways, honesty is always applauded though good for you.

[Zeeboo Zebuloo]

Bonding and attachment takes time and effort. So if you put a lot of time and effort into becomming a family and you still don't feel the love? It's analysis time...If you're not ready to be a step-parent, you're not ready to be a parent. Hey, not everybody is a 'kid person'-you know? It's time to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend and find someone who's childless to become involved with, (if that's how you feel).