Serious Problem with GF's mom

[AccF428]

Hi all,

 

I've been thinking about this problem over the last couple of days, as it has become exceedingly worse, and I'm not entirely sure what my next steps should be. Me and my gf are in our early 20s, educated with a bachelor's degree, and taking time off before continuing graduate/professional school.

 

I dated her for a about 6 months before she unintentionally became pregnant with my child. I am of Jamaican heritage, and she of Russian/Jewish heritage. Initially, all was well. Her mother and father were not racist. In fact, her mother worked with a lot of Jamaicans in her work place, and initially liked me and we took to each other. Or so I thought. Ultimately, the gf and myself agreed to always putting the baby first, and working together as a team no matter what circumstances we came across in and out of our relationship. I explained my concerns about her mother trying to marginalize my role as the father, as she occasionally can be a controlling parent and initially told her daughter that she would do fine as a single parent. She, the gf, has reassured me that she would never allow it to happen, and that she would always respect my role as the father of her child.

 

Fast forward. I decided to take some extra classes, and we moved into an apartment signing a one year lease together. The mother agreed to support her half, and this was done. To this day, the gf has only consistently improved in her efforts to respect me and my relationship with our son. However, her mother and I have come into a few conflicts since then. E.g. I discussed with the gf, us flying to Jamaica with our son, and the gf's mother flipped out over health concerns. I immediately told her then and there that it is not her place, but ours as parents to assess risks, and that she is welcome to provide suggestions with the understanding that we will not necessarily adhere to them. She raged, and argued with me. I listened calmly, and repeated myself. I told her that I appreciate all that she has done so far, and that she is a respected individual as well, and concluded that our roles as parents are primary, and that she has no final say in her grandson's life. The gf was there and expressed her agreement. The gf's mother then stated she would not participate in the role if we were to put her grandson at risk because she could not bear such pain.

 

Now, the gf is temporarily staying with her family, and I'm still at school. She has visited my family, and her mother has become furious with her, taking away her car and credit card, and told her that she no longer wants anything to do with my side of the family, and that she should forget about me and marry someone else. She furthermore decided to become racist, explaining that she needs to stick with her kind of people, and me with mine. She has tried to depict a picture of me as a liar, manipulator, and all manner of other things, and my family as a people who will try to turn our son against their side. Simply put: It is all false. She claims she does this with the intent of saving her daughter pain in the future. The gf has told me this directly, and I have not yet had words with her side of the family.

 

As you all can imagine, I am highly upset with this situation. However, the gf has remained strong and in opposition to her. We will now have to shift to a life of greater independence as the mother continually withdraws her support.

 

I am beginning to think her mother is irrational, slowly losing her sanity, and our son is at risk currently at her place. I think that a few years of her being uninvolved in her grandson's life will be sufficient punishment for these immoral, irrational and heinous acts. What do you guys think?

Edited March 20, 2013 by AccF428

[empirestate87]

That's a pretty amazing girlfriend you got there. You two are the parents of your child, this woman has NO right to the child. None. Remain steadfast, calm and logical.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you're absolutely right to make sure you establish your boundaries now, early on and make it clear right from the beginning where you - and your GF - stand.

 

According to Law, you are both of adult age. So her mother has absolutely no right to control or manipulate her daughter and mete out 'punishments'.

 

I have had the misfortune of knowing a woman precisely like her, and if you give an inch, she will take a mile and make your lives a misery from now until she no longer can.

 

Is there any way you can return to heir home to support your GF, while this is happening?

How is her father reacting to his wife's behaviour?

 

I don't think you should consider your intentions as 'punishment'. That sounds too vindictive...

But certainly, she will have to face the consequences of her actions, and accept that if she behaves in a certain way, she merely succeeds in reducing her own presence in both you and the child's life.

Which would be sad. But as things stand, inevitable.

 

Don't use an emotional response to work out a logical conclusion.

That's just senseless, because emotions do not make good foundations for sound decisions.

but you must in all practicality do whatever both you and your GF see fit, to protect yourselves, and your son.

 

Your GF should report her card as lost or stolen, to the bank, and be sent a new one, but to a safe alternative address.

As for her car - well, that's simply outrageous....

[AccF428]

Well, I don't think you should 'punish' anyone. You don't support her daughter, she does. As such, she has the right to say whatever she likes.

 

How dare you come around talking about 'punishing' your child's grandmother after she has stepped up financially to support her daughter and grandson. Shame on you for being such a nasty, bitter person.

 

I can see why this woman doesn't like you. You are a very mean, controlling person.

 

An interesting response.

 

Before the grandmother began to pull this stunt two weeks ago, I was completely fine with her in my life, and even tried to include her. I wanted her to be involved, whereas my girlfriend told me to make her less involved because she was too controlling. Also, my family is entirely capable of supporting my son while I am with her, and have been, and will continue to do so.

 

When my parents who were supporting me, initially wanted me not to live with my girlfriend, I told them no, despite their threats to withdraw support, because I believed it necessary and important to stay by her side and when the child was born to support her, whereas they believed she should go home and allow me to focus on school.

 

More importantly, my child's grandmother is trying to completely eradicate me from my child's life. She has tried to turn the mother of my child against me. She has tried to create a divide between us. She has brought racism around my son.

 

For those reasons alone do I feel I have the right, and I have worked extremely hard to contain my rage in doing so.

 

I have had the misfortune of knowing a woman precisely like her, and if you give an inch, she will take a mile and make your lives a misery from now until she no longer can.

 

Is there any way you can return to heir home to support your GF, while this is happening?

How is her father reacting to his wife's behaviour?

 

I don't think you should consider your intentions as 'punishment'. That sounds too vindictive...

But certainly, she will have to face the consequences of her actions, and accept that if she behaves in a certain way, she merely succeeds in reducing her own presence in both you and the child's life.

Which would be sad. But as things stand, inevitable.

 

Don't use an emotional response to work out a logical conclusion.

That's just senseless, because emotions do not make good foundations for sound decisions.

but you must in all practicality do whatever both you and your GF see fit, to protect yourselves, and your son.

 

I was very concerned about giving her an inch in my relationship. I tried to be kind, and caring, and considerate of her feelings towards her daughter to no avail. Even my parents thought that I had completely forsaken their own culture and ideals because they believed I compromised more than I should have.

 

Thanks for pointing out my behavior as vindictive. That's certainly not something I want to be, and I will try to remain logical regarding this.

 

My primary focus will be to provide my girlfriend the support she'll need. She is amazing.

Edited March 22, 2013 by AccF428
Added second reply and response.

[spiderowl]

I don't know about her sanity and couldn't comment on that.

 

It sounds to me as if she is afraid her daughter and grandchild would go to Jamaica with you, get involved with your family, love it, and stay there, so she would pretty much lose any chance to see her daughter or grandchild. Blaming you for this is not rational as you are not intending to steal her family away, but in reality that's what would happen. She is not handling this very well at all and has to accept that she may lose this daughter she has nurtured from birth, that is a great loss, as is the grandchild.

 

I am in a similar position with my daughter who is involved with a foreign national and who may very well leave to stay in his country. It is heartbreaking and I find it hard to think about but I want my daughter to be happy so it's her choice and her life. I accept it but I am terribly sad inside. I can't imagine how I will feel when she's gone.

 

Your girlfriend's mother is clearly more demonstrative than me and her fears are coming out in aggression towards you. This is a shame and it's not acceptable. I don't know what to suggest but I hope that understanding that she is facing great pain and loss might help you to handle this situation. When I have spoken to people about it, they say 'oh it's OK, you'll be able to chat to her on Skype' and other platitudes, but it's not the same. I worry for her. I won't be able to support her if she has a baby, like my mother did for me. I never show her how sad I am because I want her to be happy. I won't be around for long and she will need him and her new life. I can't say it's easy though.

Edited March 22, 2013 by spiderowl

[AccF428]

Actually, we are both from the same country. We only have parents of different heritage/backgrounds. Furthermore, we live in somewhat of a close proximity to one another.

 

Ultimately, I think my greatest concern is, how is it that I can possibly forgive this woman who is trying to tear our new family apart ? Today, she told the girlfriend that if she allows me to pick up my son for spring break, her grandson would not be welcome back at her home.

Edited March 22, 2013 by AccF428
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