Feeling hurt by girlfriends revelations

[Jonno20]

Me and my girlfriend have been together 6 months now and we were having a drink together when she revealed intimate details about her ex and her. I'd always maintained I wouldn't discuss my previous history as its disrespectful and in the past.

 

Anyway, she told me that she and her ex of 5 years used to have back door fun together, so I was a bit upset by that as we haven't tried that together and it's one of the last things I have yet to experience, so I brought up the subject asking if we could "try" that together sometime as I've never experienced it and she shot me down and said she's not interested in it anymore at all, so now I'm left knowing she would be more adventurous/intimate with her ex despite him cheating on her and by the sounds of it, not being as good a boyfriend as me!

 

I'm very hurt by this and almost feel "second best" her mum was talking the other day how one of her daughters favourite sexual endeavours is anal and I was in the room and felt really embarrassed as we haven't tried it together.

 

I feel sad about it how do I make myself feel better about the situation?

 

Thanks

[therhythm]

Honestly this would be a problem for me... I would not want to be with a woman for whom I would not be her most adventurous and wild sex...

I can see how she may not like anal sex anymore but sex in couples is all about compromise...

 

Saying to someone that you had anal sex with your ex but you are not willing to do it with him is plain nasty... is playing games...

Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[darkmoon]

her mum? are you her proxy sex-life? maybe it's me, idfk

[therhythm]

her mum? are you her proxy sex-life? maybe it's me, idfk

 

Actually I didn't really see the mom mum thing the first time I read his post... this is pretty strange.. I wonder how many women would talk about their anal play with their mother and how many of those mothers would talk about that with the boyfriends of their daughter.... :confused:

[Got it]

Yeah the mom piece is . . . odd.

 

Ask her why she isn't interested in it anymore, what happened, what are her fears, what did she like about it, is there anything that you can do to help her be open to it again.

 

Instead of shutting down and feeling like this is a hit against your manhood why not deep dive the situation. She may be afraid that if you are new to it you won't know what to do and she is more likely to be hurt. It is a very vulnerable position to be in. I would be extremely reluctant to do it with a man that does have either good prior experience or hasn't done a great deal of research (and watching porn does not count).

 

Figure out the whys and you will have a better chance for the future and a better understanding of your girlfriend.

[Jonno20]

Actually I didn't really see the mom mum thing the first time I read his post... this is pretty strange.. I wonder how many women would talk about their anal play with their mother and how many of those mothers would talk about that with the boyfriends of their daughter.... :confused:

 

Yep pretty weird! She tells her mum pretty much everything so no doubt she knows about our sex life, I was pretty upset when it was mentioned considering me and my girlfriend haven't experienced that together yet.

[therhythm]

Yeah the mom piece is . . . odd.

 

Ask her why she isn't interested in it anymore, what happened, what are her fears, what did she like about it, is there anything that you can do to help her be open to it again.

 

Instead of shutting down and feeling like this is a hit against your manhood why not deep dive the situation. She may be afraid that if you are new to it you won't know what to do and she is more likely to be hurt. It is a very vulnerable position to be in. I would be extremely reluctant to do it with a man that does have either good prior experience or hasn't done a great deal of research (and watching porn does not count).

 

Figure out the whys and you will have a better chance for the future and a better understanding of your girlfriend.

 

Ehhh.... mmmmm.... pfff NO!

 

There is no reason to tell a guy " I did that with a guy but you are not going to get it"... That is one of the nastiest things you can do to a guy!

If she has her reasons for not wanting to do that again she is the one who needs to come with a great explanation on why besides of being a Bitch with OP...

 

Yep pretty weird! She tells her mum pretty much everything so no doubt she knows about our sex life, I was pretty upset when it was mentioned considering me and my girlfriend haven't experienced that together yet.

 

If you are not making up the whole thing I would consider moving on, honestly it is beyond disrespectful that she volunteers the info that she used to do anal and love it and now she doesn't want to do it with you...

[Jonno20]

Ehhh.... mmmmm.... pfff NO!

 

There is no reason to tell a guy " I did that with a guy but you are not going to get it"... That is one of the nastiest things you can do to a guy!

If she has her reasons for not wanting to do that again she is the one who needs to come with a great explanation on why besides of being a Bitch with OP...

 

 

 

If you are not making up the whole thing I would consider moving on, honestly it is beyond disrespectful that she volunteers the info that she used to do anal and love it and now she doesn't want to do it with you...

 

Thanks for your reply unfortunately this is no joke for me, we get on very well together but this really is a problem for me and I don't understand why she done this! We usually have sex 4-5 times a week but since her revelation I've been feeling low and don't really want to have sex just now with her.

[AMusing]

I'm curious, OP, did you bring up the anal topic, or did your gf spontaneously announce that she used to have anal sex with her ex?

 

Because if you asked her, what should she have done? Should she have lied and say she hadn't had anal before? Upon admitting she had, is she now obligated to do something she doesn't want to do, just because she did it with someone else? Everyone with a bit of a sexual history will have tried something they don't want to do again. Are we really obligated to keep doing everything we've ever tried, to avoid hurting our significant others' feelings? Why can't we try new things with them, things we think we might actually enjoy?

 

On the other hand, if she told you about her sexual history without you asking, that's just rude, and not very bright of her.

 

And yeah, the mom thing is weird. I dated a guy whose mom was like that. Super uncomfortable.

[Got it]

Ehhh.... mmmmm.... pfff NO!

 

There is no reason to tell a guy " I did that with a guy but you are not going to get it"... That is one of the nastiest things you can do to a guy!

If she has her reasons for not wanting to do that again she is the one who needs to come with a great explanation on why besides of being a Bitch with OP...

 

 

 

If you are not making up the whole thing I would consider moving on, honestly it is beyond disrespectful that she volunteers the info that she used to do anal and love it and now she doesn't want to do it with you...

 

In a mature and open relationship one does not tend to deal with assumptions, hidden hurts and ego bruising without attempting to discuss the issue.

 

When one is in an open, loving, committed relationship you do discuss past relationships, may discuss sexual acts, and you will definitely discuss the thought process and emotions tied to them.

 

Before ending a relationship I would rather put my ego aside, see if there is information that I am unaware of so I better understand the big picture, and then once I have all the information make the best informed decision.

[will1988]

just put some lube down there one day and saw "whoops wrong hole" and stick it in... see how she reacts.

 

I personally love anal, if my fiance ever leaves me, I'm going to have to specificly search for a girl who likes that sort of stuff... or else we'd be sexual incompatable.

[therhythm]

I'm curious, OP, did you bring up the anal topic, or did your gf spontaneously announce that she used to have anal sex with her ex?

 

Because if you asked her, what should she have done? Should she have lied and say she hadn't had anal before? Upon admitting she had, is she now obligated to do something she doesn't want to do, just because she did it with someone else? Everyone with a bit of a sexual history will have tried something they don't want to do again. Are we really obligated to keep doing everything we've ever tried, to avoid hurting our significant others' feelings? Why can't we try new things with them, things we think we might actually enjoy?

 

On the other hand, if she told you about her sexual history without you asking, that's just rude, and not very bright of her.

 

And yeah, the mom thing is weird. I dated a guy whose mom was like that. Super uncomfortable.

 

In a relationship both need to be open minded... not only to talk about sex but also to try to please the other person if there is a possibility.

Maybe it is because for me if a person is not open minded for sex it is a deal breaker... and to say she doesn't do something without having tried with me yet is just as close as it can get ( even more so if that person has done it before with other people )

[Jonno20]

I'm curious, OP, did you bring up the anal topic, or did your gf spontaneously announce that she used to have anal sex with her ex?

 

Because if you asked her, what should she have done? Should she have lied and say she hadn't had anal before? Upon admitting she had, is she now obligated to do something she doesn't want to do, just because she did it with someone else? Everyone with a bit of a sexual history will have tried something they don't want to do again. Are we really obligated to keep doing everything we've ever tried, to avoid hurting our significant others' feelings? Why can't we try new things with them, things we think we might actually enjoy?

 

On the other hand, if she told you about her sexual history without you asking, that's just rude, and not very bright of her.

 

And yeah, the mom thing is weird. I dated a guy whose mom was like that. Super uncomfortable.

 

Thanks for your input, I did not ask her at all about her past and I now know quite a bit about her ex of 5 years including the sex part but I explained to her the other day to stop and to never bring that up but obviously now I have that information which I didn't need to hear!

 

Still disappointed she would be a lot more open minded with him than me as the guy was a bit of an a hole and didn't treat her as well as me so yes it hurts me.

[Jonno20]

In a mature and open relationship one does not tend to deal with assumptions, hidden hurts and ego bruising without attempting to discuss the issue.

 

When one is in an open, loving, committed relationship you do discuss past relationships, may discuss sexual acts, and you will definitely discuss the thought process and emotions tied to them.

 

Before ending a relationship I would rather put my ego aside, see if there is information that I am unaware of so I better understand the big picture, and then once I have all the information make the best informed decision.

 

It couldn't have been so bad as she went back to this person a couple of times for over a year after they broke up so I don't know what the deal is really :-/.

[AMusing]

Thanks for your input, I did not ask her at all about her past and I now know quite a bit about her ex of 5 years including the sex part but I explained to her the other day to stop and to never bring that up but obviously now I have that information which I didn't need to hear!

 

Still disappointed she would be a lot more open minded with him than me as the guy was a bit of an a hole and didn't treat her as well as me so yes it hurts me.

 

OP, I'm glad you told her that you don't want to hear more about her past. It's too bad she told you anything, but try not to let it kill what otherwise sounds like a great relationship. Does she know how much this bothers you?

 

I think it might help you to know exactly why she doesn't want to have anal with you. To me, there's a big difference between "Meh, I tried it, wasn't wild about it, have no real desire to try it again," and "It was deeply unpleasant to me (for x, y, & z reasons). I was coerced into doing it with this a-hole ex despite how much it bothered me, but now I've grown a bit of a backbone and never want to repeat the experience."

 

In the first scenario, sure, she should consider being open minded and doing something to make you happy, even if she doesn't really want to. In the second scenario, it's not about her not being "open minded" enough. It's about her knowing her firm sexual boundaries (we ALL have them). When we are young/inexperienced we sometimes let people cross those firm boundaries, in an attempt to win their affection. As we get older, we are more confident in ourselves, and more willing to refuse to do things we really dislike. That easily could be the case with your girlfriend.

 

Frankly, I think some of the advice is shaded because anal is considered so mainstream nowadays. But imagine if this were about something more universally disliked. For example, a few weeks ago there was a post about a guy who shocked his girlfriend when he tried the "Harlem struggle" on her. She experienced it, strongly disliked it, and (likely) will never want to repeat the experience.Why on Earth should she feel obligated to do it again with her next boyfriend? Would you really consider her close-minded if she refuses?

[therhythm]

OP, I'm glad you told her that you don't want to hear more about her past. It's too bad she told you anything, but try not to let it kill what otherwise sounds like a great relationship. Does she know how much this bothers you?

 

I think it might help you to know exactly why she doesn't want to have anal with you. To me, there's a big difference between "Meh, I tried it, wasn't wild about it, have no real desire to try it again," and "It was deeply unpleasant to me (for x, y, & z reasons). I was coerced into doing it with this a-hole ex despite how much it bothered me, but now I've grown a bit of a backbone and never want to repeat the experience."

 

In the first scenario, sure, she should consider being open minded and doing something to make you happy, even if she doesn't really want to. In the second scenario, it's not about her not being "open minded" enough. It's about her knowing her firm sexual boundaries (we ALL have them). When we are young/inexperienced we sometimes let people cross those firm boundaries, in an attempt to win their affection. As we get older, we are more confident in ourselves, and more willing to refuse to do things we really dislike. That easily could be the case with your girlfriend.

 

Frankly, I think some of the advice is shaded because anal is considered so mainstream nowadays. But imagine if this were about something more universally disliked. For example, a few weeks ago there was a post about a guy who shocked his girlfriend when he tried the "Harlem struggle" on her. She experienced it, strongly disliked it, and (likely) will never want to repeat the experience.Why on Earth should she feel obligated to do it again with her next boyfriend? Would you really consider her close-minded if she refuses?

 

Boundaries should be a barrier only if you had them consistently... No one likes to know your girlfriend used to be wilder or more permissive with other guys, the least she should do is at least try it with OP, if she doesn't like it then she can say she tried and it didn't work... but just reject it this way is nonsense and telling OP about it when he didn't ask and then reject the act with him is just disrespectful...

 

OP seriously, this woman is playing games with you... move on, there are plenty of open minded women who would want to be adventurous with you in sex and who would not make you feel less than anyone else!

Edited July 2, 2013 by therhythm

[Arabella]

I can see how she may not like anal sex anymore but sex in couples is all about compromise...

 

Saying to someone that you had anal sex with your ex but you are not willing to do it with him is plain nasty... is playing games...

 

So she should just do something she no longer feels comfortable with for his sake?

 

The OP didn't specify whether his gf told him about her feelings on anal sex, so for all we know, she hated it and that's the reason why she doesn't want to do that anymore. Perhaps her ex hurt her, or coerced her, or otherwise manipulated her to allow him to do it. This happens A LOT to younger girls.

 

There is one particular sex act that I allowed an early ex of mine to perform. I never liked it, but he guilted me into it and gave me little choice during our sex. If a man tried that crap now, my reaction would be "hell NO!"... and no amount of convincing would talk me into it.

 

It's her body. It's her boundaries. She has ultimate and supreme control over BOTH. The only thing she owes him is the courtesy of listening to his request. He has no right to demand it just because she did it with someone else.

[KungFuJoe]

Tough situation, op. Talking about one's past with a partner is always risky. Especially when alcohol is involved.

 

That being said, it's all about context. I think others have already hit on it, but maybe she tried it with her ex, wasn't sure...tried it a few more times and then decided that she wasn't into it.

 

BUT, even if she did used to like or even love it, people change sexual preferences all the time. Just thinking about my wife...in the many years we've been together there have been a few things that she used to enjoy that she doesn't anymore. Not that she was ever a big fan of oral, but she used to let me go down on her from time to time...nowadays, you couldn't pay her enough to let me eat her out. She gets no pleasure from it. Certain positions we used to do...reverse cowgirl, laying on her side...she doesn't like to do anymore because they don't feel as good or just plain hurt.

 

I would say just don't dwell on it, but I know easier said than done. I would let your gf know how you feel about it. How you don't exactly feel great about the fact that she would try something "taboo" with an ex and not yourself. She may let you try it...or she may not. But, there should always be open communication between you and your gf. Never keep your feelings to yourself...it just leads to resentment and misunderstanding.

[therhythm]

So she should just do something she no longer feels comfortable with for his sake?

 

The OP didn't specify whether his gf told him about her feelings on anal sex, so for all we know, she hated it and that's the reason why she doesn't want to do that anymore. Perhaps her ex hurt her, or coerced her, or otherwise manipulated her to allow him to do it. This happens A LOT to younger girls.

 

There is one particular sex act that I allowed an early ex of mine to perform. I never liked it, but he guilted me into it and gave me little choice during our sex. If a man tried that crap now, my reaction would be "hell NO!"... and no amount of convincing would talk me into it.

 

It's her body. It's her boundaries. She has ultimate and supreme control over BOTH. The only thing she owes him is the courtesy of listening to his request. He has no right to demand it just because she did it with someone else.

 

I agree that is her body and her boundaries but it is a relationship of two persons...

If she has strong reasons not to do anal she has failed to unveil them... but she volunteer that she had anal sex with previous guys and that she was not willing to do it with him...

If OP feels down about this precise matter is in his right to move on and look for someone whom will not have to see how the boundaries are stronger for him that they were for other people

If I am not the most adventurous and wild sex my girlfriend ever had then it is a deal breaker for me and you will find that it is a very common deal breaker for men.

 

I would like to see how people would see this if OP would have been in holidays around the world with his ex but since he is tired of traveling now he just want to stay home even when his girlfriend has never traveled and is craving to see the world....

[Arabella]

I agree that is her body and her boundaries but it is a relationship of two persons...

If she has strong reasons not to do anal she has failed to unveil them... but she volunteer that she had anal sex with previous guys and that she was not willing to do it with him...

If OP feels down about this precise matter is in his right to move on and look for someone whom will not have to see how the boundaries are stronger for him that they were for other people

If I am not the most adventurous and wild sex my girlfriend ever had then it is a deal breaker for me and you will find that it is a very common deal breaker for men.

 

I would like to see how people would see this if OP would have been in holidays around the world with his ex but since he is tired of traveling now he just want to stay home even when his girlfriend has never traveled and is craving to see the world....

 

Absolutely, if this is a big deal to him, then he should move on. But stay in the relationship and be all butt-hurt (pun intended) because she won't let him do it? Uhh... no. That's just pointless.

 

She might have told him because she trusts him and didn't think he'd be making such a huge deal of it.

 

So long as the sex is satisfactory for both of you, why do you feel the need to be the "most adventurous and wild sex" for your partner? Reeks of insecurity and you trying to reassure yourself that you are "better" than her prior partners.

 

I've had plenty of wild, adventurous sex. I wouldn't want a repeat of it with my current partner for a myriad of reasons. Some of it just no longer appeals to me, some of it no longer feels good, etc.

 

People change with age, and so do their sexual preferences.

[KungFuJoe]

So long as the sex is satisfactory for both of you, why do you feel the need to be the "most adventurous and wild sex" for your partner? Reeks of insecurity and you trying to reassure yourself that you are "better" than her prior partners.

 

It's a guy thing.

 

And I do think that men are more insecure than women, overall.

[therhythm]

Absolutely, if this is a big deal to him, then he should move on. But stay in the relationship and be all butt-hurt (pun intended) because she won't let him do it? Uhh... no. That's just pointless.

 

She might have told him because she trusts him and didn't think he'd be making such a huge deal of it.

 

So long as the sex is satisfactory for both of you, why do you feel the need to be the "most adventurous and wild sex" for your partner? Reeks of insecurity and you trying to reassure yourself that you are "better" than her prior partners.

 

I've had plenty of wild, adventurous sex. I wouldn't want a repeat of it with my current partner for a myriad of reasons. Some of it just no longer appeals to me, some of it no longer feels good, etc.

 

People change with age, and so do their sexual preferences.

 

You can believe what you want... I can tell you I am not insecure about sex but it would be your choice to believe that or not...

I think that OP needs to make his mind and see how this affect him and the relationship, it is his issue to deal with not mine! But this would be a deal breaker for me.

[darkmoon]

she was tactless, you're only human, suddenly the ex looms too large for comfort, wow, go screw him (or her, in my case) would be my answer

 

find somebody more thoughtful, or give her a chance to make you feel better, I feel sorry for you atmo you're dating a douchess

[therhythm]

I've had plenty of wild, adventurous sex. I wouldn't want a repeat of it with my current partner for a myriad of reasons. Some of it just no longer appeals to me, some of it no longer feels good, etc.

 

People change with age, and so do their sexual preferences.

 

So in your relationship only matters what appeals and feels good for you?

Maybe it is only me but I love to be generous with the person I have sex with, I am open for everything at least once then I can say if I liked it or not... but just because she didn't like something with someone else doesn't mean she would not like it with me...

Generosity and open mind about sex are very important facts... life is too short to endure bad sex

[AMusing]

The OP says he's feeling insecure/down about this one situation with his girlfriend, and wants to know how to feel better about it. And really, your advice to him is "Dump the girl if she won't give you anal?!?" Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Yes, if OP really cares about it that much, it's his right to dump her over it. But maybe he should try to work through this one issue with her, rather than throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

 

Therythm, sometimes we only know about our boundaries because we--accidentally or unwillingly--crossed over them. Having crossed a boundary once doesn't mean OP's girlfriend should feel obligated to keep dancing across her boundaries, just because she crossed the line with ONE ex (not lots of dudes even, just the one). As you say, life is too short to endure bad sex... so why should she have to endure something she actively dislikes (not just "doesn't particularly enjoy," there's a big difference) just to try to protect her boyfriend's sense of pride?

 

I'm not arguing that she shouldn't learn discretion, because what she did was inconsiderate, but come on. Practically everybody has done something they wouldn't want to do again, or doesn't want to do with every partner. That doesn't mean we are selfish or close-minded. The very idea of "increasingly wild sex with each new successive partner" is completely unsustainable and unrealistic.

 

Also, the whole "I'll try anything once" mindset is great--in theory. But I can guarantee you that we could come up with something even you wouldn't want to try with a girl, if she asked you to do it. Sometimes, you don't have to try something to know you won't like it.