The Married Man's Playbook on affairs

[Cali408]

One of the biggest questions I see on here is; Will my MOM leave his family for me? Well, I'm here to tell you in 99% of the cases no. Even if they are unhappy they won't do it. Most men hate change. So, I've decided to show you our playbook and why.

 

Let's look at the average cad.

 

Happy marriage, great job, wonderful kids, financially secure. Gets bored, wife is giving it to him once every week or 10 days. Sex is good, wants more excitement. Approaching or in middle age. That's late 30's-50's.

 

Beautiful woman he's known for 10 years or new woman he met at work or on the road in unhappy marriage starts paying attention to him. You're friends, talk about each others' lives, talk about each others' marriages. She's unhappy/dissatisfied. She tells you about it, you start drawing parallels in your marriage. One day, you have phone sex, knowing it's wrong, but it's intoxicating. Next thing you physically cross the line.

 

The sex is amazing because you've been with the same woman for 10+ years. You feel like soulmates. You get drawn closer and closer. You feel grateful that at 40 you have experienced real and true love.

 

You get caught. She's leaving hubby. You refuse to live without her. You think about leaving wife and blowing the family up. Then you take a look at things in your darkest hour from a logical standpoint. Usually at 3:46 in the AM when you have to pee because that bladder ain't what it used to be.

 

1. You'll be moving out and most likely the accommodations and comforts will be lacking.

2. You'll be broke. Constantly worrying about money, earning money.

3. Your wife will be disgusted with you. You've blindsided and hurt her and will seek revenge in court.

4. Your kids will resent you for abandoning them. They will have commitment issues, emotional issues and not being able to understand why their world is shattering around them.

5. AP will have the same issues. You will have fights and tension and trust issues on whether you'll both follow through

6. Her kids will hate you. Your kids will hate her. Not the Brady Bunch as you imagined

7. You will feel incredibly guilty and realize the grass isn't greener once reality kicks in. Your AP who you think was made by heaven especially for you, is not perfect. Maybe a drama queen, a slob, terrible with money can't cook or other character issues that haven't yet risen to the surface. You've only seen them on their best behavior. Yes, my dearies, men think about the cooking and cleaning. We are knuckle dragging cro-magnons at heart

8. Your family and friends will choose sides, and you'll be surprised that they are hostile toward you and think you're stupid and don't appreciate or understand how happy you are. You will resent them.

9. The devil you know looks a lot more appealing all of a sudden and being a man is realizing it's not about you and stop being so selfish.

10. It's an ego stroke and a rush of dopamine. It's not love. There are no soulmates.

11. You read that EA's have less than a 1% chance of evolving into a long term relationship. That over 60% of 2nd marriages fail and 75% of 3rd marriages fail. But your situation is different!

12. You read Love Shack and realize, it's all the same.

13. You beg your wife to take you back and appreciate her.

 

So OW's, my advice is to read this. It's all the same story over and over. Different characters, different issues, but this is the cheating male's blueprint on why he stays.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Cali408

[Calcmag]

This is such a great post.

 

I have a male friend who is quite a bit younger than me, in his late 30's.

He hasn't cheated yet but I know (an ex cheater knows the signs!), he is absolutely ripe for it. It really is just a matter of time before he does.

I also know he won't leave his W. And yet, actually his home situation with his W isn't quite so good as described here. He really is quite unhappy. But I now he won't change his home situation. And when he meets the woman who becomes his OW, it still won't be enough to make him change it.

Edited September 13, 2013 by Calcmag

[FoolishOW]

Cali... Brilliant! I couldn't agree more. I actually can't even disagree with the thoughts you mention that MM has in the wee ours of the morning when reality sinks in. At least in my case, I think they are very valid thoughts, and I can't even say I blame an MM for having them OR paying attention to them.

 

What's so very sad is that MM did not have these realizations prior to engaging someone and eagerly pursuing the relationship that eventually led him to realize the grass may not (most likely will not) be greener. The emotional mess left behind, and summarily handed over to the OW to deal with on her own, is horrible, painful, humiliating, and just plain sad.

 

Yes, to a degree we are equally responsible for it, but often these relationships spring from the most innocent places and were not the intended/expected outcome at all for the OW. Mine only lasted 2 months, no PA, but EA was deep, constant, and emotionally jarring, to say the least.

 

Your post helps me remain NC (dday was a month ago) but the aftermath is truly devastating. He remains stoic with NC as well, which appears to give him the characteristic of "nobility" (lucky him), while I, not being quite so noble, would like to land a swift punch to his face. Very, very sad. GREAT post! Thanks for sharing those thoughts!

[FoolishOW]

*OOPS! wee hours*

[ConcreteHeart]

Cali. I can picture the MM having this conversation with himself. In fact, the exMM had this conversation with himself on a long drive home from a sexual encounter we had in another city. He said he was taking to himself out loud in the car as he was driving. Crying, hitting the steering wheel in frustration.

 

I believe that this is exactly the conclusions he came to. I dont blame him at all. The trust it would take on both our parts to have a real relationship with all this baggage did not exist. Why would it? We weren't trustworthy people. If we can both cheat of our partners of 20-30 years plus. There was no hope of this dead in the water love affair.

[JPMC]

This is spot-on. Great stuff

[coolheadal]

Interesting assessment here but no matter what is said how you say it everyone in those type of relationships will continue to work on them until there is not course of action left. Because they will stay in bad relationships as it a safe zone once they leave it they don't know what to do.

 

Once his or her family gets into your relationships then you can kiss that relationship or married goodbye. They'll never choose to be with you when their family is involved!

[Cali408]

It's amazing, myself included humans make the same mistakes over and over and over again. Going off tangent here but think about it.

 

Don't do drugs, drug addicts

Don't drink, alcoholics,

Don't marry someone you don't love 50% divorce rate

Don't cheat on your spouse, don't get involved with a married person.

Don't be in an abusive relationship.

 

It's goes on and on and on. At least here, we are in tune and support one another. The purpose of the post was they aren't and won't leave. I just am trying to explain why.