When you fall out of love.

[sooshi]

When you fall out of love, is that when you feel inclined to break up with someone? Especially when you try to make yourself be in love, and you just can't seem to do it? Do you feel like you can't stay with someone who you don't feel in love with?

 

Do you need to be in love to be in a romantic relationship? What if you're attracted to them, but don't feel sparks, butterflies, and electricity? What if they're amazing in every way, but the spark isn't there and you're usually only mildly attracted to them?

 

Do we tend to confuse being IN love with someone with TRULY loving someone?

 

It's been on my mind. Throwing questions out there...

[iDrumKing]

When I had a sit down with my ex girlfriend about how she felt when breaking up with me, she felt that it was need for she "wasn't happy anymore." In other words, she feel out of love.

 

She said that for months she been trying her hardest to feel something, but ultimately she failed doing so.

 

Personally I think it comes down to communication. At first hint when you feel different, you gotta be upfront with your partner so you two can do something about it. Feelings for one another can't change if one person doesn't know about it.

[thecrucible]

Personally I think it comes down to communication. At first hint when you feel different, you gotta be upfront with your partner so you two can do something about it. Feelings for one another can't change if one person doesn't know about it.

 

 

 

Totally. I have made my mind up to be more up front with my feelings in every situation since one break-up I had in which I fell out of love, pretended everything was normal and eventually couldn't handle it any more. It's best to be honest, even about the bad stuff.

 

 

But to answer the OP, I don't really think you can be romantic with someone (truly) unless you feel 'in love' with them. I think time will tell how deep that love becomes and sometimes it doesn't stand the test of time, sometimes it does. It's something you have to gamble on. But anyway, I know you are getting at something different. I don't particularly associate the early stages of falling in love with the true depth of being 'in love'. To me butterflies are not associated with deep love. I've actually never felt strong 'butterflies' with any boyfriend I've had and it doesn't mean that I didn't love them or that our relationship was invalid.

[lamis]

When I had a sit down with my ex girlfriend about how she felt when breaking up with me, she felt that it was need for she "wasn't happy anymore." In other words, she feel out of love.

 

She said that for months she been trying her hardest to feel something, but ultimately she failed doing so.

 

Personally I think it comes down to communication. At first hint when you feel different, you gotta be upfront with your partner so you two can do something about it. Feelings for one another can't change if one person doesn't know about it.

 

 

 

This. This is exactly what happened to me with my ex. I think it is unfortunately pretty common. Human's feelings are fickle things.

 

 

I would say that generally in EVERY relationship there are periods where your feelings just aren't as strong as they were before. In my opinion, though, love is when you realize that that is temporary, and you make decisions based on the potential future you and the person you love have together. Even if you don't have all those butterflies and everything 100% of the time, you can still be pretty sure you're in love with someone if they mean the world to you, and imagining a future with them makes you happy, I would say.

[DannyCA]

When you fall out of love, is that when you feel inclined to break up with someone? Especially when you try to make yourself be in love, and you just can't seem to do it? Do you feel like you can't stay with someone who you don't feel in love with?

 

Do you need to be in love to be in a romantic relationship? What if you're attracted to them, but don't feel sparks, butterflies, and electricity? What if they're amazing in every way, but the spark isn't there and you're usually only mildly attracted to them?

 

Do we tend to confuse being IN love with someone with TRULY loving someone?

 

It's been on my mind. Throwing questions out there...

 

A user on here named Pfenixphire said something a while ago that hit me deep and I just had to copy it to my computer to read in the future. Here it is:

 

 

 

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

[bluegreen]

A user on here named Pfenixphire said something a while ago that hit me deep and I just had to copy it to my computer to read in the future. Here it is:

 

 

 

Here is where I begin to become very...um...irritated with the expectations many people have for relationships in general, not just marriage.

 

People get so concerned with how a significant other "makes them feel". Since when did we become responsible for how someone else feels? I take responsibility for my own happiness and expect any girl I'm with to do the same.

 

I harp on this, and have many times on this forum, because it's a huge thorn in my side.

 

Yet another quote that expresses how I feel on the subject:

 

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ― Louis de Bernières

 

I believe that happy and healthy relationships are those where we *choose* to maintain them.

 

Love (and "in love"), in some respects, is a choice.

 

Anyone who claims that they "can't change how they feel", or "cannot act against their feelings" is absolutely full of it.

 

Now, they may have good reason to choose to leave the relationship. Errors, incompatibilities and hurt can erode at the source of love. But just because the "feeling" isn't there?

 

That is selfishness. That is expecting someone to put the butterflies in your tummy and excite you forever, and if they don't, you abandon them. That is expecting to feel "in love" all the time with someone, and if it drops before a certain baseline, you bounce.

 

Expecting to always feel "in love" is expecting my partner to excite me and make me happy, always. Expecting to "just feel it" all the time is, in essence, expecting your partner to do all the work for you.

 

That kind of expectation is cancer to a relationship. That's an addiction to the feeling of love. That is a lack of effort and a willingness to quit.

 

If a relationship is unsatisfying, toxic or hollow - if there truly are no redeeming qualities - I support leaving beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I *do* get irritated when I see both dumpers and dumpees alike feel torn and heartbroken because they weren't "feeling it" and just assumed the relationship was dead before even taking its pulse.

 

I believe that a happy and healthy relationship is full of love, support, and acceptance. It's bonding. I do not need to feel attraction towards my partner all the time. I need a *best friend* (who, yes, I will be attracted to more often than not...sex *is* an important part of it...just not the most important part). I need a literal partner. Someone who will back me up. I accept that sometimes I will feel more "in love", sometimes I will feel less, and sometimes I won't feel it at all. I accept that my partner will annoy me, bore me, inadvertently hurt me and occasionally ignore me.

 

I accept this because I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, love and excitement. If I start to get bored with me relationship, then it becomes my responsibility to do something fun. If I don't feel the connection, it's my responsibility to communicate. If I don't feel the attraction, it's my responsibility to be romantic and seduce her.

 

It's not just being happy on your own that brings a long, happy relationship - it's being responsible for yourself. Being independent even when together.

 

As least, that's my belief.

 

 

 

Amen to this