To Deal with Asexual Wife

[UnhappyHubby]

Hi All,

 

I am really posting this question in desperation. Any Advice/suggestions are most welcome.

 

I am a sexual male with a Healthy sex drive (not someone who basically thinks about sex all the time) and I have been married for 2.5 years. The marriage was an arranged one. Now when I think of the number of times I have had sex from the past 2.5 years, it makes me realize "Why the hell didn't I see this earlier?". My wife is 4 years younger than me and the time of marriage, it seems everything was just fine and I didn't have any sexual concerns at that time. We used to have sex 1 or 2 times a week and I was pretty happy with that. There was no Oral at all; Not for me (No Chance) and she didn't allow me to do Oral as well. I thought well, some people don't like it. So I guess I shouldn't pressurise her. Time went went by and the number of times we were having sex reduced to once a month. The first thought that came to my mind that probably I was doing something wrong. So I read various articles on how to make a women sexually Happy and I wanted to try that on my wife. But alas, it never worked out as she never allowed it to be tried.

 

At this point I would also want the readers to know that I love my wife and I don't want to take a divorce with her. I always ensure that all her needs are satisfied and she is happy with all aspects. Be it some latest Shopping Bag available in the market or Latest movie in choice of her language. I have repeatedly asked her that whether she is need of anything to make her happy? She mentioned that she has all that she needs.

 

I have also sat down with her and explained to her that sex is a very important part of a married couple and we need to to increase the frequency of our sexual act. She listens dutifully and says she understands. The effect of the discussion usually lasts a fortnight or 2 at the max. After that it goes back to its original state. Until one day after a long and harsh argument, she made it clear that she loves me a lot and she is happy with me but she doesn't like sex. She also mentioned to me that she would not enjoy sex with anyone else as well as she has been brought up in a way that preaches talking about men/talking about sex is a taboo. This mentality still persists in her as she has been brought up in such a manner.

 

Now I am lost as to what should I do. I love my wife very much and I don't want extra-marital affairs as it just feels wrong to me. I have tried all methods that i know of to convince her that sex is a part of married life but to no avail.

 

Can anyone advice/suggest/opinions on how should I proceed?

 

Desperate for a solution

UnhappyHubby

[Grumpybutfun]

I just cannot imagine how frustrating and disappointing this situation is for you. Is there anyone you can speak to like a spiritual guide who may be able to help you? Culturally, I think there is a big divide here so I am going to advise you to reach out to mentors or religious guides to help you. She has some deep religious beliefs and sexual hangups that probably stem from her background therefore sex just isn't comfortable for her.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Emilia]

Well, this is what happens when you have an arranged marriage, I suppose. I realise it's a custom in your country but this is the problem when you don't marry for love, strictly speaking since you hardly know the other person.

 

I assume she was a virgin when you married her, she isn't in touch with her sexual side at all. Arranged marriage usually means coming from a very conservative background where female sexuality isn't exactly explored (an under statement) and your post confirms this.

 

She might be asexual, maybe she isn't in love with you but is too scared of admitting that because of the shame of divorce.

 

Your post just highlights what happens really when two strangers marry. Maybe you can go down the gentle, more sensual approach of giving her massages, spending time exploring her body without necessarily going all the way, perhaps encourage her to explore oral (as in receiving, first). That's probably the only thing you can do. Build a more intimate, more gentle relationship rather than make the sex about duty. Perhaps this will allow her to overcome her conservative background. However, if she doesn't really love you there is probably not a huge amount you can do.

[d0nnivain]

Arranged or not, she is now your wife. Kudos for saying you love her & making a effort.

 

 

Men & women think differently. Men need sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex. The brain is the biggest & best sex organ.

 

 

Are you romancing her? Are you making her feel special -- flowers, candlelight, romantic dinners, gazing into each other's eyes, . . . that sort of thing or are you just rolling over & expecting her to be in the mood? It's more than just talking to her & telling her what you need. What does she want?

 

 

If she says flat out she doesn't want sex, well then you may have a problem.

 

 

I bet it's more that she simply doesn't feel appreciated.

 

 

Also how sheltered was she before you were married? You seem somewhat Westernized. She may feel dirty or shamed due to religion or cultural considerations. It's your job to make her feel safe & beautiful.

Edited March 27, 2014 by d0nnivain

[Iguanna]

This is a really hard situation cause people having raised with specific beliefs it's almost impossible to change them. She was brought up considering sex an (ugly and shameful I guess) obligation from the wife to the husband. Now the husband asks for more and she refuses it. The only thing you could do is search about her religion - culture beliefs and read about how sex is perceived. To be honest I don't thing there will ever be any change. The only person she would listen to would be her mother or grandmother, but I don't think they'll agree to advise her to enjoy sex.... I think you are in a dead end and you need to start considering a divorce. Sorry to say.

[UnhappyHubby]

Thanks to all for the Replies.. As many have mentioned, The custom of the country varies and sometimes we may to say yes for Arranged marriage even though we are against it. But whats done is done. I can do nothing about it now.

 

@d0nnivain : Yes, I am a romantic at heart. Not so much as one sees in the movies. But I love going out on Dinners with her, Making her feel special by sending her to spas. She feels very happy and gives me a much appreciated hug and she would have a special glow to her face. Then unfortunately, she says she is tired from all the activity and prefers to rest.

 

She was the same before her marriage as well according to common friends. She would never participate in any discussion regarding men or sexual matters as it was a sin in her mind.

 

She doesn't flat out refuse sex. She prefers cuddling which I also don't have any problems. But its normal for a cuddling session to end in sexual thoughts in me. So nowadays she avoids that as well as she is worried that I will again feel bad at the end.

 

Can anyone give any advice on any specific counselors that we can meet in order to discuss? I really have no idea about this.

 

Thanks,

UnhappyHubby

[d0nnivain]

Any good marriage counselor should be able to help but one who understand the norms of your culture would be best.

 

 

Also buying her things like spa treatments is very nice but not romantic. You initiate a bit more non-bedroom cuddling. Surprise her with a kiss when she's in the kitchen. Tell her you love her. Go dancing.

[Better]

I was in a long sexless marriage and it was miserable. It nearly destroyed me as a person until I made the decision to get out of it. My self confidence was in the cellar and I had hit rock bottom. I feel your pain.

 

My ex-wife and I had sex maybe a handful of times over more than a decade. I never cheated, but she had been married previously to someone who had the same issue with her and he did choose to cheat.

 

We did counseling, sex therapy, sensate focus ... you name it, we tried it. Nothing worked.

 

Was/is she asexual? I don't know or care, but the most important thing I learned after the marriage ended is that the "why" doesn't really matter. It could have been all her fault, or all my fault, or more likely a mix of the two. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter why. It only matters that she wasn't going to have sex with me and that was unacceptable since it didn't meet my needs, so I chose to move on.

 

I ended up divorcing her and have had several good romantic and sexual relationships since. I firmly believe that a great sex life is of huge importance to any long term relationship. I also believe that people like this rarely change. In the support groups I joined while trying to make the decision to divorce and then afterwards to pick up the pieces, it was incredibly rare to see any success stories about couples turning this around. You may have to decide whether it is more important to continue to married to her, or more important to have a fulfilling sex life.