Isolation; a cause for concern?

[PaperCrane]

I've been reading another a bit and I'm unsure if I should be worried or not. This isn't a personal relationship of mine but it involves my roommate. She and I had our thing and it became whatever it was and that's over after she ended it. I went a mixture of LC/NC with her but remained civil and polite and an overachieving roommate. This went for quite awhile until I felt I could re-enter the situation as a friend.

 

I guess that ended up throwing her into what I have been told was a 'severely depressed' state during those weeks of NC. This may sound like I'm snooping or being clingy but I assure you, if I were I'd have posted this awhile ago. I've split the background story from the question because long posts are annoying but I've placed it here in case anyone needs the info to form an opinion.

 

=======Background Story=======

 

Some things have just piqued my 'this doesn't seem right' senses. The man she's seeing now, whom was a love interest of her best friend, and whom I vetted a bit at my roommates behest before the friend and he began talking more. The best friend of my roommate is a great girl, but is very emotionally fragile, so we wanted to make sure the guy was decent and honest. The men I asked about him all said he seemed nice, worked hard, but could be a little 'clingy'. Okay, that doesn't sound too bad.

 

Fast forward two weeks from then, which was about 5 weeks into my NC. No one knew we were playing checkers except for that guy. At around the same moment, girlfriends or girl friends of the guys that I asked started to reach out to me. They told me this person is a master emotional manipulator, violent with a temper, and to really watch out. He had leapfrogged our friend to get to my roommate. I didn't care that she was talking to or seeing someone. That was her business. However, if what I was hearing was true in any way that could turn out poorly very quickly.

 

I keep minding my own business and we seem to be getting along just fine. One day my roommates mother calls me up and asks how I'm doing. We chat for a bit and she asks if I know if she's been seeing someone. That seems kind of odd for me but I keep talking and tell her that I do believe so and why would she be wondering. She tells me that her daughter has been acting weird and highly secretive which is is very unlike her. She asked me if I knew who it was. This is getting to an uncomfortable place with me because I highly dislike lying and being involved in these affairs, but I know she wouldn't ask unless something was up. So I spill my beans. Her mother thanks me, assures me that nothing will be said, and we said goodbye.

 

After this, I was told by my roommate that she had gone on 'a date' with this man (which was a lie, they went on multiple, and she never used to lie) and then cut it off after her parents wanted to learn about him. They sat her down and explained why at 19 (she's now 20) someone 13 years older than her with several children, one of whom is only 6 years younger than she is, would not be an ideal situation. He took this poorly but she suddenly seemed a bit happier overall and was her outgoing self once again. He wouldn't leave her be though.

 

We recently approached Valentines Day and all this while she was telling everyone she was single. She asked if we could exchange gifts as friends. I agreed. Got her some chocolates, a card, and a trinket to symbolize friendship. Two days before Valentines Day she asks if we can have a talk. She needed to cancel a trip to a very hard to get into event we were both saving for that we had planned back in October, that she needed to quit the sports team we were both on right before we hit the finals, and that they were seeing each other but she didn't see it as anything serious or having any potential beyond a few months. She elaborates without any prompting that they aren't physical and just hang out but that she's happy hanging around him and she hopes she makes him a little happy. I tell her that's all fine but I'd like to have known sooner about the trip and the team so I could make appropriate changes. It honestly looked like she was about to cry and she left the room. I mumble something along the lines of "I'm getting too old for this..." after all that and went to sleep.

 

The next day I hear that the guy lost it. Yelling and saying that if "his girlfriend" accepted any kind of gift from me that he was going to kick my ass. She told me that she couldn't accept a gift from me, while I was going to work I couldn't spin around and told her I didn't mind what she did, just to do what she felt was right. No hard feelings. The trinkets were something she asked me for, for her birthday, but I couldn't find them in time. She told me later she couldn't accept any of the gifts even if he wasn't involved in her life. I pointed out the logical flaw there with her previous request, and the fact that she gave me gifts. I told her again that it's fine and I want to respect her boundaries and just went silent for about a day.

 

Later on she asked if I wanted to get dinner the following week because we haven't hung out in a long time. I agreed but asked if her boyfriend would mind, she replied with "he's not my boyfriend and it wouldn't matter anyways."

 

The dinner went well but I felt something strange. She was wearing the trinkets and dolled herself up beyond a normal evening out with a friend and acted like I was her date. Holding my arm and all that jazz. Every time her phone would vibrate she'd almost jump and would look sick to her stomach.

 

=======End of Background Story=======

 

Now we're here, two days after dinner, and to the meat of my question. She has been hiding this 'relationship' for months now from everyone. Has taken to isolating herself while texting, even so far as to nudge herself into a physical corner like between the floor and the couch and hiding her phone from view. Not just with me but with everyone. She will never tell anyone where she is or who she's with and will go completely radio silent at random times in the middle of conversations and won't reply to anyone sometimes for up to an entire day. Even to her family.

 

This is very strange because she's always been open and would let people know where she is in case something happens and always has her phone on her. She's told her parents she doesn't talk to him anymore and denies involvement to anyone that asks. When I've seen him at work he'll hover near where I am and has tried to play shoulder check chicken with me. He's been, in detail, explaining everything they do to the one other person who knows; the friend he leapfrogged and it's been bringing her to tears on more than one occasion. He still flirts with this girl but tells her she can't hang out with my roommate anymore because she's 'competition' due to the fact she is bi.

 

Her parents are asking me how she is, because I'm now the only point of contact with her. All of her old friends are using me to check in on her because she won't talk to anyone. This has been going on since mid December. When we hang out, she'll mostly hide her phone or turn it off because it will notify her of messages every minute or so from him.

 

I don't know what to do at this point, and my gut reaction is nothing but the sudden change in behavior and isolation has me worried.

Edited February 19, 2015 by PaperCrane

[spiderowl]

Difficult situation indeed!

 

Perhaps you could ask her if there's anything she's worried about. Don't elaborate, just ask and then say she can always come to you to talk if there is. Then leave it with her. She'll have to think then 'Is there something I'm worried about?' Leaving her to think about it means she is not under any pressure. If you say it in a serious manner, she will know deep down that you are referring to her recent changes in behaviour. She would also know you are prepared to listen.

 

It might not make a difference but you are throwing her a line of sorts. Whether she takes it is up to her.

 

You could casually leave contact numbers around for advice services for various issues including controlling relationships. Again, she will see them and might take note. All you can do is throw out these lines and see if she takes up the opportunity to talk. If she's scared of some guy, then she really needs specialist advice on how to handle this. Other posters will know of resources and ways of approaching this.

[PaperCrane]

I will do that. I've asked if there's anything on her mind, but she's a tremendous internalizer and won't talk until it's past the breaking point.

 

I'll just drop the line and let it be I think.