minimariah Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 do most As go undetected...? i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way. most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 How can that be answered if they are indeed undetected? I knew something was wrong in my situation and then searched and found proof. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 do most As go undetected...? i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way. most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around? mine was totally undetected. i have no idea if she suspected anything. maybe he just lied to good and didn t change his behaviuor at home. he was very careful and i never called or did anything in order to make him get caught 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I knew something was wrong in my situation and then searched and found proof. Me too. I can't speak for anyone else, though. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Mine is undetected so for. And finished, which reduces the risk of being discovered. I think many are like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 How can that be answered if they are indeed undetected? I knew something was wrong in my situation and then searched and found proof. i meant, undetected by the spouse. i think there are VERY LITTLE As that "stay" only between the affair partners. one of the APs usually confides in a friend, at least. Link to post Share on other sites
EmbraceTheChange Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I knew something was wrong, because my husband was way more snappy with me and the kids, he seemed distracted and stressed. But I thought he was stressed because he just got a new job as a manager. I only found out the real reason (and suddenly everything else made sense) when the OW sent him a text when I had his phone in my hands. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) I think so. I think the ones that get caught, get busted after things have developed to the point they are no longer able to cover all the tracks or until they reach a point they don't even care to cover their tracks. It's like speeding tickets. People don't creep over the speed limit by a couple miles an hour and there happens to be a cop sitting right there the first moment they go 56 MPH. What usually happens is people drive well in excess of the speed limit over a long time and then one day they happen to come up over a hill and there's a cop who busts them for 15 or more MPH over the limit. They may have gotten busted today, but they were actually speeding many many many times before. It's usually just the tip of the ice berg when someone sees red flags. That's why the common advice here is to do a legitimate investigation with VAR s, keyloggers, GPS review phone logs, hack computers and look for and other forms of contact. Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 do most As go undetected...? i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way. most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around? It's always "A friend of mine" but it's true, it honestly is....! A very good friend of mine I 'met' over the internet (we frequent another forum together, and have known one another for 3 years) is having an affair. She lives abroad, is articulate, speaks 5 languages and is extremely attractive. She is married to a man who was made redundant from a job he held in banking, which was a blow to his male pride and ego (he is a very 'masculine, 'head-of-the-household' responsible guy, so he felt the redundancy very acutely, and took it very personally, even though he was one of 1400 employees who lost their jobs, globally). He now works in finance as a freelance Financial adviser, but he is short-tempered, loses the plot easily and angers quickly over the slightest things.... he also feels her sexual demands are totally unreasonable (once/month is an effort for him) and tells her that she is a wife and mother now, and that at her age, she shouldn't have these urgings.... She explained to him that people can't be pigeon-holed or compartmentalised in that way, and that age doesn't matter if you have sexual urges... He thought about it for a week, then came back to her and said, "OK, well if it means that much to you, I will try to be more sexual...but I really can't see the point...." Apparently, he's worried about her becoming pregnant. I did point out to her he could opt for a vasectomy. Astonishingly, it was something neither of them had ever considered....! In any case, she 'met' a guy online (another forum!) who very quickly became enraptured by her, besotted with her and fell head over heels in love with her. He's utterly taken with her. She just wants a no-hold-barred, no-strings-attached affair, but he's very romantic smitten and insistent.... he too has a family. He has a wife, children, a home, a good job....He's even a granddad to a very young little one.... but this doesn't stop him... Her husband doesn't suspect a single thing. I find this utterly astonishing as she and her lover must exchange over 100 texts a day. But her H is so wrapped up in himself and his work, that everything else is secondary to his own comings and goings... he is utterly oblivious to both her and her fling.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 I think the ones that get caught, get busted after things have developed to the point they are no longer able to cover all the tracks or until they reach a point they don't even care to cover their tracks. i agree but i also think some are discovered by accident, literally. it takes one moment of not being careful and there you go. It's usually just the tip of the ice berg when someone sees red flags. i agree. even when the WS comes out with the confession... the situation is usually 10x worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I knew something was way off, I actually thought he was hiding money, I never thought he was cheating. I went to a lawyer and gave her all his business info to do research. He was just getting free strange at work, spent maybe $400 in total on a 6 mo affair. However, the ow is who screwed it up, I think she wanted him to get caught. After the affair ended (I was still in the dark but questioning) she sent odd texts - odd for a married woman with a pile of kids, odd for a subordinate, odd at 2am on a Saturday. So I notified her husband to inquire. According to her emails, she wanted to leave her family and live a life w my husband & have my lifestyle. What my h saw was a horrible mother who would leave 4 kids and ended it since to him it was free sex while at work. She then hoped I would leave and not be in the way. I think affairs are like big bumps in the rug that someone will always trip over, my h said coming clean was awful but finite but living the lie was gross every day. The mow continues to reach out 2 yrs later, which just indicates that things aren't going so well in her world. She's 50 btw, this is not very sexy or attractive. We live very far away from her (she may or may not know that), so no chance of me seeing her ever again. But she's been digging. Cheating is garbage, it just gets stinker & stinkier, it doesn't go away. Maybe a ons with both people regretting it immediately will disappear but that's it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamworld Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 How can that be answered if they are indeed undetected? I knew something was wrong in my situation and then searched and found proof. Me too. I just felt something was off, so I put on my detective hat. And stayed quiet ( it was hell to do this by the way) while I put all the pieces together until I was sure I had ample and undeniable proof of his multiple affairs. The wait proved worthwhile later in court. If you are keen they slip up. You just have to be on your toes. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 There have been surveys and studies, and while not definitive (some are self-reported by people having affairs), the results are clear that most are never discovered. Survey found 95 per cent of women and 83 per cent of men have cheated on partners and not been found out Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Daily Mail Online ---------- Another site/survey indicates that roughly half are never discovered. Cheating Spouse Survey Results 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I saw one survey that I trusted to have decent data on this. Responses were voluntary and electronic and the number of respondents were in the tens of thousands. Of those that self-disclosed as waywards, 50% said that their affair was known to their spouse. About half of those were confessed and the other half had been discovered. So, about 25% of affairs are confessed. About 25% are discovered. And 50% go unknown. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Not sure really what you are looking for in knowing the "numbers". For one, discovering an infidelity, while a "social problem" is actually an enormous personal experience. If even only 1% are caught, the fallout is on those that do. A lot of people here would rather not know if the "fact" was that only say, 5% are discovered, because this would throw into the works a huge issue about confession being necessary or not. I find it almost impossible to have a proper discussion that uses statistics to suggest a value. Like the one above, for example. The question of should one tell, if it falls on a statistic, would be no. If the question of tell, if it fell on a philosophy of harm, is generally no. When the question of do I tell falls on a moral concept of "rights" or "making other people's choices for them" it invariably falls on "yes". Statistics don't really help. The largest killer of children under 15 in North America has been automobile accidents for quite some time. But the debate about mandatory vaccination rides on the value of "deaths". The value is misplaced. If people actually wanted to save children, then they would begin by banning cars, not vaccinating children. But they do not. Statistics don't help us decide which questions are of more important value. Infidelity, like contracting meningitis, is a personal issue whose enormous affects those who find themselves in its grasp changes the "playing field" of values. It matters not what your belief in statistical norms is anymore than someone who wins the 50 million dollar jackpot lottery. It becomes 100 percent for you. And you have to deal with it as a value, not as a stat. What interests me more, not as a stat, but as a value, is the enormously high % of respondents to surveys who said, IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT, THEY WOULD HAVE AN AFFAIR. I think a lot more people actually do think they will get away with it, and do get away with it than we are likely to ever know. What is disturbing is that instead of asking oneself if infidelity is worth (as a value) participating in, for the vast majority of people it "turns" only on the question of getting caught. Edited July 20, 2015 by fellini 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 What is disturbing is that instead of asking oneself if infidelity is worth (as a value) participating in, for the vast majority of people it "turns" only on the question of getting caught. How I read this, then they are saying that yes it is worth participating in if the odds of getting away with it are in their favor. That the biggest negative to not doing it would be getting caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adam22 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Some cheaters are masters of deception especially in the Internet age. The real professional cheaters will go online and search for warning signs of a cheater and then be careful to not exhibit any of these signs. This way they can throw off any possible suspicions. So I would say with the Internet age it may get harder to detect signs of a cheating spouse especially if they are careful to not alter their routine at home and they come home the same time every night. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 It has been my experience that a good many cheaters never get caught. After the breakup of my marriage I had revenge sex not an affair with the wife of an associate OM. Once I stepped over the line, for awhile there was no going back. My Ex had bragged to my co-workers that I enjoyed performing oral sex. Now that I was free, I had several offers for sex with my married co-workers, as oral sex was something their SO refused them. These were various ONS, that were never discovered. Later on a friend and I shared a large 2 bedroom apartment. My friend was a male stripper. While they were stuffing singles in his under ware, during breaks, he was charging as much as $30 to get a quick BJ. Most of his partners were married. And almost every night he brought some gal home with him. Again the number of them that were married far exceeded those that were single. And on average at least once a month the married gal would get to fulfill her fantasy of a threesome. Again never detected. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 What interests me more, not as a stat, but as a value, is the enormously high % of respondents to surveys who said, IF THEY THOUGHT THEY WOULD GET AWAY WITH IT, THEY WOULD HAVE AN AFFAIR. i think this is interesting, too. many would have an A if the opportunity is there & circumstances were right. i guess i never really thought about how many As go totally undetected. all around me, cheaters getting busted is pretty common and happens on daily basis so it seemed to me that most As DO get busted. just an impression i got. Link to post Share on other sites
Adam22 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Most people don't suspect their spouse of cheating if they continue to be attentive to their needs. However if there is any sudden change in behavior even to the side of being more attentive than normal to their spouse's needs that can be a red flag too. If a cheater is being afraid of being suspected they might be overly attentive with their spouse whether with sex or other things in the hopes that she won't suspect anything. He continues to protect this image of being a wonderful husband. He might be more attentive than normal with changing the oil in her car and other things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'd suspect the truth lies somewhere between GH's and Central's statistics, meaning most are not discovered. Amongst friends & family & friends of friends, I probably know off more that were secret than revealed, some numerous years after the event. I know a number of players presently juggling multiple fwbs and there are 4 women that have bfs or are married amongst them. For ons its pretty easy to get away with them in the right circumstances. The affairs that go on for many months where one of the affair partners becomes extremely attached and becomes more reckless or careless it, its harder to hide. Just because you bust a person, does not mean that was the only time they did it, as oldshirt wrote. It would not surprise me at all that cheating has increased with social media + OLD. Lots more opportunities but also greater risk at getting detected....there is their own partner but also friends/family/co-workers who might see their profile. Some men are so wrapped up in their lives/careers/hanging out with their mates and take their wife for granted and don't see her as sexy anymore that they are clueless their wife has a sneaky nature and will be doing it behind their back (like the banker guy in the post prior). When the topic of cheating has come up in conversations over the years there has been a number of times where the women have somewhat proudly stated that they (not them personally) are smarter then man at getting away with it. That survey in the DM link indicated that and I don't doubt it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 do most As go undetected...? i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way. most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around? In my first post I stated that, "I am reasonably sure she has been faithful." As my wife cheated before we got married, (ONS) I was more on guard for cheating. If she has, then she "got a way with it", or it has not come to light. I do not believe she has cheated, and has been faithful. Except for one time, I have never been in the mode of actively thinking she has cheated, or is cheating, but we have always lived our life open with each other, so I do not see the opportunity for it. She never had any red flags. Does not mean she could have had a brief "fling" or ONS, but it would have been hard to manage. The one time, I considered the possibility, was during the time I was trying to find out where she had spent a large amount of money, I did not find any trace. I also looked for gambling and drugs, as I read these were also possibilities during a financial infidelity, and was covering the bases. So, "I am reasonably sure she has been faithful." I think in all marriages, there is a chance one or the other can cheat, given the right combination of circumstances. Believing that, I have worked to keep myself out of "trouble", she as well, but as in all things, you can never be 100% sure, just "reasonably sure". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 do most As go undetected...? i had a conversation with a friend of mine -- she thinks MANY cheat but few get caught. i have totally different experiences - i see folks getting caught all the time, As discovered all the time & a lot of BS who choose to look the other way. most people knew (felt) that they were getting cheated on WHEN they got cheated on. so what are your experiences...? do more As get undetected or is it the other way around? According to the BF, most are known, but few are actually exposed or documented. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marco Valerio Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 In my case I started to see little red flags, but I didn't want to believe such thing could happen to me. But one day it all felt very awkward with her, so I decided to check her mobile, and there it was... You can't imagine how I felt while I was reading the conversation with her "lover"... I think there's always red flags waving in your face!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sastrugi Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Mine is undetected so for. And finished, which reduces the risk of being discovered. I think many are like that. Sassy, if I understand correctly, the OBS did discover your affair with her husband. What if she decided to tell your BH? Do you have a contingency plan? How do you think your BS would take being told by the OBS? S. Link to post Share on other sites
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