Feeling used, perplexed and upset

[CuriousGirl94]

Hey all, this will be my first post on the forum so firstly thanks for having me

 

This may be a long one so i'm sorry if it seems as though i'm rambling

 

So this guy. I've known him a few years through mutual friends but before a couple of months ago we didn't talk at all, he was just somebody i knew.

 

In November he had a status on facebook i could relate to, so i wrote a few kind words of advice and from that point he began a very embarrassing "like" marathon where he would like every single photo and status i uploaded, quite clearly trying to get my attention at the time which he later admitted. Soon enough he began private messaging me and we found we had a lot in common, we would be talking from morning until when we went to sleep - he would always send the first message but i would always reply straight away. He seemed extremely interested and was even writing indirect statuses about how great it was to be talking to somebody he felt like he had known all of his life and it made him happy etc.

 

It was fast becoming a very intense and all consuming correspondence, primarily initiated by him - and i was enjoying every second of it.

 

Although we'd seen each other in person many times before and knew who each other were, he wanted to meet me in person after about a week of online chatting. He found an excuse to be in my area and messaged me asking me to come outside and speak to him. I did and as i had a couple of errands to run he said he'd take me and he ended up tagging along with me for a while. As soon as he dropped me off home he began messaging me again saying how great it was to have seen me and that i looked beautiful and so on.

 

Now obviously i (thought i had) read between the lines and said yes it was great to have met, and that i'd like to see him again as i did have a bit of a crush on him! At the point of me saying this i was %100 sure he felt the same way. His next reply was telling me how he "doesn't mind a crush but he's not looking for anything serious" because he has not long come out of a long term relationship and was trying to focus on getting himself back on his feet, but that he didn't want to seem selfish because "it wouldn't be long" until he was sorted.

 

OK i thought. Time for me to take a back seat because we were obviously on different pages, but his latter part of the message lead me to believe that maybe some day in the future he would be interested in seeing if there was anything between us. I decided to stop messaging him so much but his messages just kept on coming, despite what he had said i naively thought "well he must be interested if he's constantly wanting to chat to me all day long"

 

A few days later after a night out with friends (again we had been talking all that day) i was rather tipsy when i got home. He was still awake and our chat turned a little flirty before he suggested us meeting up at his place for some fun. Initially i said i wasn't down for that, because despite the cliché-sounding rigmarole i'm genuinely not that type of girl. I only ever become intimate with somebody if i genuinely feel something for them. He apologised for sounding too forward and said he didn't mean to offend me, to which i said he hadn't - but a couple of glasses of wine later my silly drunken mind decided it would be a good idea after all, "sure lets have some fun, come and pick me up" i told him.

 

We went to his place and we had sex, the thing is i was blind drunk and don't remember the finer details. He was sober so he obviously did. When i got home in the early hours after him dropping me off and checked my phone he had messaged straight away asking if i'm OK and saying i had "blown his mind" (his words not mine - i'm sorry for the TMI!)

 

When i woke up with a fuzzy head full of regrets, i was certain i had made a mistake and shown myself up. I could barely remember going to his place let alone what i had said and done etc. He seemed as happy as larry though and as previously, kept on chatting to me all day long, which was the norm for him, from "good morning babes" to "goodnight babes" so i started to settle thinking maybe going to his hadn't blown anything what could be in the future after all.

 

A couple of days later he stopped texting so much, when i would text him i'd get a reply but it was much shorter than what it was beforehand. The morning and goodnight texts stopped and he started making excuses about his silence saying it was close to christmas and he had a lot on etc. I knew by this point that he was losing interest without a doubt.

 

His friend added me on facebook around this time, i had met his friend whilst out with him one night and we got on perfectly well. His friend told me he didn't want to see me getting hurt and that this guy i liked had been saying to his friends (this one included) that i was boring him by texting him. Now i was definitely not harassing him by anybodies standards, though i did send one or two messages enquiring why he had gone so quiet because it was a big jump down from the sheer volume of messages he was sending me before. His friend had also told me this guy had began sleeping with another girl, but i didn't bring it up with him at the time because i didn't want to seem needy.

 

My ego was hurt, i won't lie. I really really liked this guy and although he did say from the get go he wasn't looking for anything serious at the moment he most definitely lead me on to believe that one day he possibly would. I felt as though i had been duped and taken advantage of, but maybe others wouldn't think that, i dunno.. anyway..

 

I started talking to his friend a lot in the hope of giving this guy a taste of his own medicine. His friend initiated it. I played along as naively i thought he would get jealous if he heard i was talking to his friend. For about a week i heard nothing from the guy i liked but a lot from his friend, until on new years day at the strike of midnight HE text me saying happy new year. I replied with the same and he went on to apologise for being so quiet repeating his earlier excuse that he had been busy, he conveniently missed out the part i had heard from his friend about him sleeping with another girl.

 

I said "don't worry about it, i've survived lmao" in a joking fashion, to which he replied "yeah i bet you have i heard you've been talking to my friend :/ lol"

 

It was then that i told him yes i had been but only because i heard he was sleeping with another girl and so i wanted him to feel how he had made me feel. He totally denied sleeping with this other girl and told me his friend was clearly making it up so he could make me dislike him and try to get close to me himself. I didn't believe him but still was glad he was finally talking to me again as i had missed him so i let him think i believed it even though i didn't. We chatted for a couple of hours and then he said he had to get some sleep because he'd had a lot to drink and was exhausted. Great i thought, you only hit me up because you're drunk! He seemed to think i had started to really like his friend, and as a form of "ha right back at you!" i allowed him to. He said i knew where he was if i ever wanted to go for coffee or chill out together, which i naively took as him missing me.

 

The next day as expected he went quiet again. I sent him a short message saying i hoped his head wasn't hurting too much and he entertained it briefly before the conversation went dead. That's it i thought, i'm not chasing you around any more.

 

By now his friend had become quite attached to me and i felt as guilty as sin. I'm dead against leading people on as i know first hand exactly how hurtful it can be, but i found myself doing exactly that to get to the guy i wanted originally. I didn't want to hurt his friends feelings so instead of ignoring his messages i would just make excuses about why i couldn't see him whenever he asked if we could meet up for coffee or lunch - yep the cowards way out.

 

over the next couple of weeks leading up to now, i would hear from him (the one i liked) once or twice - but they were shorter messages and not ones with much rapport that we shared before. His messages were ones such as " who told you about this girl he was apparently sleeping with as i want to know who in my circle was betraying his trust and making up lies in order to get with a girl " AKA me - his words. He didn't seem interested in having a conversation with me but wanted to know how i had gotten that information as if it got out (although supposedly untrue) it could stop him seeing his children because his ex was possessive like that.

 

I found myself checking my messages every day hoping he would have sent me something, all the while his poor mate was still trying to win my affection with sweet messages. I checked and checked every day hoping that he had gotten jealous, or missed talking to me, but nothing come through.

 

Until today. He messaged me this morning out of the blue saying "be careful driving to work today chick, just a heads up that there has been an accident on your route" - and me still being totally into him have taken this as a sign that he's still thinking about me. I replied saying thank you for the warning but then the conversation went dead again. Great i thought

 

Yet his friend, the one who likes me, has deliberately dropped in to conversation today that the girl he was sleeping with after me has been going around his house a lot and he referred to her as his "fancy bit" implying it's been a regular thing.

 

I'm really gutted because this whole time i had held a torch for him and genuinely believed we would have something special, he seemed so in to me at first and i couldn't understand why he would bin me off to start seeing somebody else on a regular basis when i was here so ready and willing to see him all the time - hell i would have given him as much intimacy as he'd liked because after sleeping with him the first time i was actually looking forward to the next! (and me being able to remember it this time lol). He just seemed so so in to me and would sent cute little messages all day long and randomly park down my street and text saying come outside I've been dying to kiss you. He totally lead me up the garden path I think.

 

 

Part of me wonders whether he's only carrying on with this girl because like me with his friend, he wants to make me jealous. Then i think to myself i'm being ridiculous and that it's nothing but wishful thinking - he's seeing her and not me because he wants to.

 

Then i think i've ruined any chance of us ever seeing each other in that way again because i've lead his friend on, which i really really regret. I haven't gone to meet with him but i have been messaging him back knowing full well he had this big crush on me.

 

It's really bugging me to the point where i'm thinking about him a lot and its making me sad. Hearing about this other girl going round there so much, accompanied by him not hitting me up any more, is hurting my feelings a lot. I know deep down i should accept he doesn't have an interest in me like that anymore, but i don't want to because a part of me thinks i've over complicated it myself by letting his friend in to the equation.

 

I let this guy in and i feel totally used and discarded, i had also told him things even few of my friends know so i definitely felt that there was a trust between us. We really seemed to click and whenever we did meet he was so loving towards me, he would even hold my hands when we kissed for goodness sake Surely he must have had some feelings for me to be the way he was so i just don't understand why it's gone wrong. I definitely wouldn't have started talking to his friend unless i felt dead cert that he had washed his hands of what we had/were developing. Ugh

 

What do i do about this, how can i find out for sure whether he has any feelings for me at all, to gain closure. Is all of this in my head just wishful thinking and is it completely obvious to anybody reading this that he just used me for sex? I really need an outsiders perspective because the whole thing is driving me nuts

 

I'm sorry this has been so long - i just really really needed an outlet!

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited January 14, 2016 by CuriousGirl94
Missed out a somewhat relevant part.

[Gloria25]

Sorry, but don't think he's with that girl to make you jealous and/or people are making up some tall tales about him/her dating...

 

I think he's a jerk...

 

He kept on working on you until sex happened. How sweet of him to tell you he wasn't looking for anything serious - only to have sex with you while he was sober and you weren't. A gentleman would have turned down the sex, take you home and tucked you into the sheets and slept on your couch till the next morning to make sure that you were ok.

 

Yes, you are responsible for your own actions, but that doesn't mean he's any better for taking advantage of you when he knew you wanted a RL with him.

 

I know it hurts to be taken on a ride, only to be dropped like a hot rock and watch him shower love and attention on someone else, but gotta grieve and move on. Besides, no one knows what happens behind closed doors...he could be playing her too.

 

Cry, have some ice cream, watch a good show, and get some hugs and move on..

 

****hugs****

 

PS, next time take a man at his words...if he said he didn't want something serious, believe him. Now, you may be asking yourself if he didn't want something serious, then why is he spending so much time with her? Well, sad reality is that he didn't want something serious with "you"...cuz "interested" men act "interested". They don't wanna lose you and will do what it takes to nail you down.

 

Now, then again, he may have genuinely liked you, but cuz you gave up the sex w/o him being ready for a RL, you became the "rebound" that gave him what he needed to be ready to date and the girl he's with now just was lucky enough to snag him up after you literally "broke him in". Again, I feel your pain there cuz hurt to see how I influenced my dude in many ways only to have another woman benefit from it - especially when he won't even give me credit and/or appreciation for ways I've influenced him

 

****hugs again****

[clia]

I'm not sure why you feel used. He told you up front that he didn't want a relationship with you and has never been consistently contacting you. And yet you ignored what he was saying, in plain words, and carried on, hoping he would change his mind. He's never told you he wants a relationship with you. And I really don't think he's a dog -- I think he was up front with you, and you chose to ignore it and hoped he'd change his mind. Well, he hasn't.

 

It's time to snap yourself into reality. He's not into you. I'm sorry and I know it hurts, but you need to move on. I've been there -- it sucks. But the best thing you can do is to just move on and find a guy who is into you.

[CuriousGirl94]

I guess I felt used because although he did tell me he wasn't looking for anything serious right now, with the things he said and the way he was with me lead me to believe that it wouldn't be long until he would be. He did say as much himself. I've not had many flings like that in the past so one night of passion and then not seeing each other again is weird for me. But I guess that's my problem and not his.

 

So in his defence he did lay his cards on the table early on but went on to make it seem possible that one day we could be something more. It's obvious now despite how little I want to admit it, I should have taken what he said at face value but again I'm not used to somebody being so full on and not wanting a relationship so wishful thinking got in the way and I only read the signs I wanted to read at the time.

 

Before we slept together he was in contact consistently, all day every day even, and that continued afterwards for a couple of days until I'm guessing he met that other girl. I think what hurts the most is coming to the realisation that he got what he wanted from me and then moved on to somebody else. To the best of my knowledge she slept with him a day after they began talking so it can't be the fact I slept with him so soon putting him off, it must be a simple case of him just not liking me in the same way he does her. As much as my ego is hurt I guess like advised I had better snap back into reality and stop waiting around hoping he'll come through. I think I just needed to hear it from somebody else that I was fooling myself.

 

I'm not going to contact him again, I wouldn't want to show myself up. It's just a shame I got myself so drunk that night that it impaired my perception because if I knew then what I knew now I wouldn't have slept with him. So this is what it feels like to be a notch on some bodies bedpost lol.

 

Thank you again x

[Toodaloo]

Dear Lordy CG

 

What a wicked web we weave when we attempt to deceive.

 

Get both guys off of your facebook.

 

Stop talking to both.

 

Start acting with a bit of class and go get active.

 

We all do silly things - I have done it too.

 

Trick is when you think you are going to do something daft, stop, and do something else instead.

[Gloria25]

 

Before we slept together he was in contact consistently, all day every day even, and that continued afterwards for a couple of days until I'm guessing he met that other girl.

 

Thing is, before sex, guys don't have clarity cuz technically they are horny for you...after sex, they got their need met and now start looking at "you" for "you"...

 

That's why before sex happens you gotta make sure there's an actual RL and bond between you two and unfortunately, it didn't happen. But, then again, before sex, although he was calling you every day and all that, he said he didn't want something serious. So, again, next time don't sleep with some guy who is waivering with you until he is sure about you.

 

And still, I think he's not a gentleman for having sex with you drunk, knowing he didn't wants something with you - while he was sober as the day is long.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry this happened. The guy sounds a classic user. If you remember, he also said from the start that he's not looking for anything serious. This is 'guy speak' for wanting casual liasons with as many pretty women as he can get. You are not the first he will sleep with or the last. Instead of staying attached to him, see him for what he is. His occasional contacts are bread crumbs and nothing more. He likes to feel you are still on the string, so to speak.

 

I know it hurts, but the guy is not relationship material. He's a casual user. It's in his genes. He might fall in love with someone some day but he'll cheat on her. You don't need that kind of guy.

 

I don't know what his friend is like but be careful. If he hangs around with user guy, he might not be any better. Best to get to know a guy first and see how his behaviour pans out over a period of time before risking your heart. If you want casual sex, then fine, but if you don't you need to be able to filter out the users.

[loveflower]

Thanks for sharing.

It serves as cautionary tail to less sophisticated people, because I don't know such men exist.

[joystickd]

That is just the risk you take from dating and interacting with the opposite sex. Deal with it.

[HillValley]

Initially i said i wasn't down for that, because despite the cliché-sounding rigmarole i'm genuinely not that type of girl. I only ever become intimate with somebody if i genuinely feel something for them.

 

By now his friend had become quite attached to me and i felt as guilty as sin. I'm dead against leading people on as i know first hand exactly how hurtful it can be, but i found myself doing exactly that to get to the guy i wanted originally. .

 

Just goes to show that despite how hard people can claim they aren't "that type of person" or "i would never" we can all give into our worst natures if we allow ourselves to be manipulated.