My First Love - Issues 25 Years Later [UPDATE: Contacting Ex GF (22 yrs ago) Tomorrow

[Wookin Pa Nub]

I'll keep this short but ask for any details.

 

 

Met my first love at age 19, she was 17. Great relationship, infatuated with each other, best friends, talked of marriage. 2+ years later things started going south and she was spreading her wings in college. I was ending college and was at a very low point in my life. Put on weight and was not taking care of myself. She cut off sex but not sure if it was physical attraction or she was wanting to begin to separate. Her reason was waiting until marriage. I couldn't find a job in my degree. Felt like the only person who was having trouble in my major.

 

 

Break up was traumatic for me. As she moved on to bigger and better things I was at a low point. Shortly after break up she said she was having sex with a stud hockey player. That really hurt - so much for waiting until marriage. I hate hockey to this day. Some months later on April 1 she calls and says she wants to get back together. April fools!!! That hurt.

 

 

We were semi friendly and would chat occasionally. I had found a crap job with low pay and she poked fun at that. She met a new guy and basically to stop calling her. Turns out this guys is from rich family and daddy gets him a job out of school. They get married have kids.

 

 

I get married have kids. Issues with ex gf caused some issues with wife as she feels she was my #2. She is insecure at times. My ex gf friends me on facebook and we exchange some friendly but harmless IMO messages. Wife finds out and goes off the deep end. I unfriend my ex gf. Tell my wife I have no feelings for my ex gf.

 

 

I still think of her a lot though. Why is that?

 

 

I want to see her and let her know how I turned out. I am very successful in my career. I lost weight and am in the best shape of my life at age 45. Remember she had cut off sex and started to break things off when I put on weight.

 

 

How do I approach wanting to meet her with my wife who obviously is very sensitive about my ex gf? Even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons it will be a big ordeal.

 

 

I just want to put this behind me after all these years. I don't want to be 60+ and still be thinking of her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tell my wife I have no feelings for my ex gf.

 

Which was not true, right?

 

WPN, there are many healthier ways to seek validation in this world, including ones that won't cause problems with your marriage.

 

In your mind, would would be the best outcome of this hypothetical meeting?

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

Pandora's box, my friend.

 

 

Leave her in the past where she belongs.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Which was not true, right?

 

WPN, there are many healthier ways to seek validation in this world, including ones that won't cause problems with your marriage.

 

In your mind, would would be the best outcome of this hypothetical meeting?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No that was not true. In the heat of the battle after the Facebook thing I said that to calm her down.

 

 

Best outcome of hypothetical meeting - I guess to let her know how I turned out, curiosity in seeing her, confirmation that we broke up for a reason.

 

 

I look back and think how could a relationship that we had where we were infatuated with each other go south like it did? I have had a hard time reconciling that. I would like to ask her what her opinion on that is.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Your marriage may end if you contact her any further. It's disrespectful to your wife. You know it's intentionally hurting her feelings...and it's selfish of you.

 

Fantasyland has consequences.

 

Instead of contacting the old Gf again why don't you see a counselor to help you get past your past hurt?

 

It's money wisely spent if you're willing to be honest in therapy.

 

Thanks - I am seriously considering that.

[jen1447]

Only real option imo is to make the honest case to your wife - that it's a trial for you and you want resolution (which is what this is all about).

 

Some months later on April 1 she calls and says she wants to get back together. April fools!!!

 

Seriously??

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Only real option imo is to make the honest case to your wife - that it's a trial for you and you want resolution (which is what this is all about).

 

 

 

Seriously??

 

I have seriously thought about just being honest but its a catch 22. Wife will always think I have had strong feelings for her (ex gf) and want to reconnect even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons.

 

 

Yes she played that joke on me. When she called and said she wanted to get back together I never said yes but something like "i think a lot about you" then she cut me off and said "April fools" and she would never want to date me then heard a bunch of laughter in the background with her friends.

[jen1447]

I have seriously thought about just being honest but its a catch 22. Wife will always think I have had strong feelings for her (ex gf) and want to reconnect even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons.

 

 

Yes she played that joke on me. When she called and said she wanted to get back together I never said yes but something like "i think a lot about you" then she cut me off and said "April fools" and she would never want to date me then heard a bunch of laughter in the background with her friends.

 

Ok wow. That'd pretty much be an ass-kicking offense in my book if you did that to someone I'm close to.

 

Anyway if you're wife doesn't trust you that sounds like an issue in itself. Here's an anecdote - my BF has a history not unlike yours that he straight up told me was never not gonna be a part of his psyche. I accept that and honestly it doesn't bother me (not the least reason being I have history too) - in fact we even talk about it pretty commonly. I'd much rather have that dialog w him than either him keeping secrets or just bottling it up.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

That's helpful. Can you explain this a little further?

 

 

my BF has a history not unlike yours that he straight up told me was never not gonna be a part of his psyche.

 

Like he was never going to get her out of his thoughts?

 

 

My wife thinks I bottle too much up. I just worry b/c my ex gf has caused some really big issues during our 18-yr relationship. I kept telling her "I'm over her, I'm over her, nothing to worry about, etc" so how do I approach my wife and tell her I want to meet up with my ex gf to discuss my issues?

[jen1447]

That's helpful. Can you explain this a little further?

 

Like he was never going to get her out of his thoughts?

 

Pretty much. It's not obsession or still being in love - he moved on from that long ago - it's lack of resolution. When you have sth deeply meaningful in your life and it just goes poof and you never get to know why, that's what happens.

 

 

My wife thinks I bottle too much up. I just worry b/c my ex gf has caused some really big issues during our 18-yr relationship. I kept telling her "I'm over her, I'm over her, nothing to worry about, etc" so how do I approach my wife and tell her I want to meet up with my ex gf to discuss my issues?

 

There aren't too many ppl who are 18+ years out from some relationship disaster who are still actively in love w their ex ....they're just in a permanent state of mourning. Because you can't really 'move on' when you're not allowed to process and resolve. (And you can't do those things w/out the age old "why?" question answered - we're pretty much hard-wired to always want to know why.)

 

Another anecdote - you know what the worst emotional purgatory on earth is? What parents of missing children have to endure. Want to know why? Because they never get any answers. If they simply knew, even if it was the worst possible outcome, then they could start to heal and move on, but they can never do that bc all they can ever do is wonder. The parallels to lost relationships where you never know why are a lot the same psychologically, w the deeper or more meaningful losses obvs being the worst.

 

You could try telling your wife that but if she's fundamentally insecure it's not gonna fly regardless, sorry. It sucks but a lot of times in life there are no good solutions. :-/

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Pretty much. It's not obsession or still being in love - he moved on from that long ago - it's lack of resolution. When you have sth deeply meaningful in your life and it just goes poof and you never get to know why, that's what happens.

 

 

 

 

There aren't too many ppl who are 18+ years out from some relationship disaster who are still actively in love w their ex ....they're just in a permanent state of mourning. Because you can't really 'move on' when you're not allowed to process and resolve. (And you can't do those things w/out the age old "why?" question answered - we're pretty much hard-wired to always want to know why.)

 

Another anecdote - you know what the worst emotional purgatory on earth is? What parents of missing children have to endure. Want to know why? Because they never get any answers. If they simply knew, even if it was the worst possible outcome, then they could start to heal and move on, but they can never do that bc all they can ever do is wonder. The parallels to lost relationships where you never know why are a lot the same psychologically, w the deeper or more meaningful losses obvs being the worst.

 

You could try telling your wife that but if she's fundamentally insecure it's not gonna fly regardless, sorry. It sucks but a lot of times in life there are no good solutions. :-/

 

That is great advice and insight.

 

 

Indeed a big part of it for me is not being able to reconcile how our relationship went from pure bliss to falling off a cliff. We were best friends and I have missed her friendship and that's gone (been gone for a long time).

 

 

I know I wasn't perfect and may have caused her to push away. But it is the pain of her being my world then her turning her back on me for someone else.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

Also you mention "mourning". It has crossed my thoughts that her being, poof, gone out of my life is like a dear loved one dying.

[jen1447]

It's not a big mystery really - humans are social animals (meaning it's in our DNA, not just sth we're used to) and major social rejection is a blow to your place in the social order and can cause serious psychological trauma bc of it. That's why dumpees so often become lost and directionless - they're bscly like those animals the heard drives out for whatever reason, which is profoundly unhealthy when you depend on social acceptance to thrive.

 

That's why the "get over it" advice always pisses me off - ppl who say that generally have no idea just what it is they're so casually dismissing as minor or insignificant.

[BlueIris]

I have seriously thought about just being honest but its a catch 22. Wife will always think I have had strong feelings for her (ex gf) and want to reconnect even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons.

 

The therapeutic reason is that you are not over her. If you were, you wouldn't want to prove anything to her (how successful you are, how much weight you've lost, etc).

 

I disagree that you need to see her or know "why" to move on or mourn. Life is filled with millions of unanswered "why"s. And based on reading on LS, lots of people don't accept the answer when told "why" anyway. They want the answer THEY want. They want something that fits their thinking, not someone else's. They want that person to give them what they want. But we can't force people to give us what we want and wanting is just continued attachment. What if she said, "I don't know"? What then?

 

Let it go and appreciate yourself and your life as it is today. It sounds as though you have much to appreciate.

[No_Go]

Ha this gave me some insight in the big mystery of my life - i.e. a situation very similar to OP's (at least emotionally). The man that I'm not able to mourn 8 years so far... I haven't even been in a relationship with him. I don't love him, I just hate the anticlimactic almost inhumane way he exited my life. I love the social / bio-explanation

 

So yeah this years-long mourning is so toxic... OP I think meeting her won't help. It will open the wounds. Hate her, talk about it, just... Don't let someone else control your life. Right now you're giving her this right.

 

 

It's not a big mystery really - humans are social animals (meaning it's in our DNA, not just sth we're used to) and major social rejection is a blow to your place in the social order and can cause serious psychological trauma bc of it. That's why dumpees so often become lost and directionless - they're bscly like those animals the heard drives out for whatever reason, which is profoundly unhealthy when you depend on social acceptance to thrive.

 

That's why the "get over it" advice always pisses me off - ppl who say that generally have no idea just what it is they're so casually dismissing as minor or insignificant.

Edited September 8, 2016 by No_Go

[jen1447]

^ I really don't think it's so simple as a mind over matter thing tho (or at least not necessarily) - this sort of injury can be really severe and you don't always just talk yourself out of it anymore than you "cheer up" from depression.

 

Also I think a little known thing about resolution is that it doesn't matter so much what the ex says if you get to meet them and talk again, it's just that you did it, you had your say, and they said something in return, whatever it was. The damage from the 'goes poof' type thing is they never say anything at all, they're just gone and it's done.

 

inhumane

 

That's a very accurate way to put it ....when this sort of thing happens at its worst, it's plainly dehumanizing, which is a really terrible thing to do to another person. It's probably most often unintentional but it still happens.

[Leigh 87]

No that was not true. In the heat of the battle after the Facebook thing I said that to calm her down.

 

 

Best outcome of hypothetical meeting - I guess to let her know how I turned out, curiosity in seeing her, confirmation that we broke up for a reason.

 

 

I look back and think how could a relationship that we had where we were infatuated with each other go south like it did? I have had a hard time reconciling that. I would like to ask her what her opinion on that is.

 

 

 

It sounds like you were never infatuated with your wife.

 

I believe all good relationships should start out with the infatuation stage.

 

If men skip it, and they do not fall hard for a girl, they will always wonder " what if" when they are happy and " comfortable" with their wife, and think back to times that they felt more passion and fell head over heels.

 

I waited to fall head over heels. I knew I was the kind of person who needs that spark. Or else I am apt at feeling that " alive" and passionate feeling about someone else, if it is not present in my current relationships......

[Poutrew]

I have seriously thought about just being honest but its a catch 22. Wife will always think I have had strong feelings for her (ex gf) and want to reconnect even if I say it is for therapeutic reasons.

 

 

Yes she played that joke on me. When she called and said she wanted to get back together I never said yes but something like "i think a lot about you" then she cut me off and said "April fools" and she would never want to date me then heard a bunch of laughter in the background with her friends.

 

SO now you are looking to meet up with this witch, and also bring your wife into the fray as well? Seriously? If you do, what will happen is that your current wife will have only so much of your sh*t, and find a man who can respect her. And just your luck, it will be with a hockey player. And this time it will be completely your fault. Your wife getting boned by a hockey player, with your kids sleeping in the next room (because they will be married), and half of your money and property (from the divorce settlement) sitting in the bank. You really want that? No? Then dude, take this as friendly advice : Wake the HELL UP! Leave the ex in the past, dead and buried where she belongs, and be thankful you have a wife who actually loves and cares for you. Besides, do you really think your success will impress this bitch? She will only laugh at you and pull out a roll of hundred dollar bills her rich hubby gave to her and peel one off and give it to you - like a beggar. You wont impress her, and she along with her bitch friends will only find a way to laugh at you - again.

 

Your thinking, that your past and present will meet and be on friendly terms is warped. It will instead be like the meeting of matter and antimatter - total annihilation. Proceed only if you have a death wish...

[Mr. Lucky]

I look back and think how could a relationship that we had where we were infatuated with each other go south like it did? I have had a hard time reconciling that. I would like to ask her what her opinion on that is.

 

My friend, she was 17. Normal thought patterns and well-considered action plans don't apply.

 

Regardless, this has nothing to do with your life back then, it's about something you see as missing now. Teen love and the resulting infatuation is a powerful force, you might go your whole life without loving or being loved with that same white-hot intensity and end-of-the-world feeling. In theory, it's replaced by a more enduring satisfaction - some part of your middle-aged brain might not currently agree, longing for the "glory days".

 

While I get it, I also see the futility of what you're doing. Life's better lived in the here and now, appreciating what you have. Every good fisherman knows you can't focus on the ones that got away...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Quiet Storm]

I think you are being selfish.

 

When you get married and have kids, it's your job as a husband/ father to respect your marriage and protect your family unit.

 

By entertaining this "resolution", I think you are disrespecting your wife and putting your kids security and future at risk.

 

You don't have to be a slave to your feelings. I understand you want answers and feel that this is unresolved, but you are feeding the feelings and making them bigger (with your thoughts about it) instead of starving the feelings (by redirecting your thoughts and self talk).

 

Check yourself before you wreck yourself (and your family).

[beatcuff]

granted this is harsh --- stop listening to the women... do NOT 'talk' to you W about this... why?

 

... my first love...I still think of her a lot though. Why is that?

 

simple, it was your first love. you are looking back with fondness of the good times. overlooking the down and glossing over the cruel --- seriously, reread your posts: exhibit A - what would you tell a friend when an ex 'april fools' you.

 

so your mind elevates her to: better looking, smarter, wittier, funnier, more dymantic --- than anything/anyone in this world.

 

great, who cares, you are still... much like your HS/college years of carefree, lots of free time, carefree spending and no responsibility --- treasure the memory. but leave it at that a memory.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

Learn about coping strategies for ambiguous loss. Train your brain to accept the ambiguity and embrace paradoxical thinking. Build resiliency and work to temper mastery.

 

How does one cope with ambiguous loss? The case of the disappeared Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370 -Psychology Matters Asia

 

We are 99.9% certain the airplane is at the bottom of the Indian Ocean and there were no survivors. Why do we continue to spend millions of dollars looking for that needle in the haystack? Like another poster stated, we cannot begin to heal until we understand what we are grieving and our loss becomes validated and defined. But sometimes we are not afforded the opportunity to ever have closure. In those situations, you will find coping strategies for ambiguous loss useful to help you let go.

 

I wish you the best.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

It sounds like you were never infatuated with your wife.

 

I believe all good relationships should start out with the infatuation stage.

 

I always wondered if the reason I still think about my ex gf is that I never experienced that same infatuation, extreme love after my ex gf. My wife is great and has a lot of great qualities but I wonder if I just settled for the first girl that was into me. But maybe that infatuation I had with my ex wasn't normal? Maybe what I have with my wife is normal? I JUST DONT KNOW.

 

 

Others pointed out I am remembering the good of my ex, not the reason we broke up. I wonder if I am remember the care free days of being 19 & 20, hanging out, having sex all the time, etc. Maybe that is why I hold her in such high regard.

 

 

As far as forgetting the bad stuff that led to our break up, I sort of forgive her for being a "witch" as someone put it. I wasn't the best boyfriend at times. As she got to college and began spreading her wings a bit, I was very insecure (mainly caused by a couple brief past relationships) and would be controlling and possessive at times. That may have pushed her away.

 

 

Also while we were drifting apart my senior year, she cut off any intimacy (September) and eventually said we need to take a break (January). We still were semi-together (Jan-Feb) and I ended up cheating with someone she knew (late Feb-early march, cant remember). That was the final straw for her to make a clean break. So I guess I deserve what I got.

 

 

Following the break up my life was in the dumps while she apparently "upgraded" - that really hurt.

 

 

I just don't know why I still think of her all the time.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wookin, if this is such a fixation with you I would think that you should get yourself to a psychologist/ counsellor and work with him/her to find ou5 the reason for your obsession with your ex and then undergo therapy to help you get rid of this obsession. Infatuation is a high fuelled by hormones which run wild when one is a teenager. It is something which does not last. Look at it this way, maybe your ex did you a big favour by dumping you leading you to derive the motivation to excel in life and find your true love, a woman who would remain by your side through thick and thin and not dump you at the first sign of problems in real life. Warm wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi Wookin, if this is such a fixation with you I would think that you should get yourself to a psychologist/ counsellor and work with him/her to find ou5 the reason for your obsession with your ex and then undergo therapy to help you get rid of this obsession.

 

There you go. And I'll give you the quick and dirty answer for free - it's not her, it's what she represents.

 

Do with it what you will ...

 

Mr. Lucky