For those [affair partners] who told the [betrayed spouse]

[Southwardbound]

For those OW who decided the only way they could be absolutely sure they stopped their LTA, & told the MM's wife, 1) how did you go about it? 2)What did you say to her? 3)What response did you get from both her & your MM? 4)Do you still feel it was the 'right' thing for you, that you did?

[lostgirl87]

I told the wife twice lol.

 

The first time I called her, told her about the affair and sent photos and texts b/c she needed proof. She just thanked me, asked me if I was done with him and asked me to not tel him that id talked to her.

 

Once she confronted MM, he texted and called me until I answered and cried to me about how badly he had messed up and that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Apparently they had agreed to divorce soon after dday but a few weeks later the wife asked him to stay and to give her a chance to change and fix the marriage so he stayed and strung me along yet again. Then I tired of it and told her again that we had been talking and that I needed him out of my life and he wasn't getting it so maybe she'd have better luck. MM called me again and said he did love me but needed to try and fix the marriage. We didn't speak for over 2 weeks. He then came back again, said he loved me blah blah. We resumed our emotional affair and just recently he filed for divorce.

 

At the time, I did feel it was the right thing for me. I felt that if his wife knew, he'd drop me and let me move on with my life. I thought it was a guaranteed way to get him away. Obviously it wasn't but the difference here and with your usual affair is that we genuinely love each other. In retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have done it b/c all it did was hurt her and cause unnecessary drama. If I really wanted to walk away, i could've done that without doing all the extra crap.

[BluesPower]

Why are you asking?

 

Has something changed in your situation or are you just curious?

 

Just wondering...

[Southwardbound]

Why are you asking?

 

Has something changed in your situation or are you just curious?

 

Just wondering...

 

Lost - thank you for sharing your experience.

 

I was asking because I was thinking about first time I split with the MM - then I was the WS & he was single. I felt the only way to end it then was to do a complete NC, moved house, essentially leaving him no way to contact me for years. Which worked fine, until I moved back. Much time has passed between the original LTA -so years later our positions -legal relationship status are reversed, but upon recontact it didn't stop us from picking right back up where we left off. I sometimes wonder, if things might be different if one of us had told the BS? Things were complicated then, & their complicated now.

 

And so I wonder, given that I have learned a lot by reading what others have wrote about their experiences, -might I also learn more?

[Whoknew30]

Lost - thank you for sharing your experience.

 

I was asking because I was thinking about first time I split with the MM - then I was the WS & he was single. I felt the only way to end it then was to do a complete NC, moved house, essentially leaving him no way to contact me for years. Which worked fine, until I moved back. Much time has passed between the original LTA -so years later our positions -legal relationship status are reversed, but upon recontact it didn't stop us from picking right back up where we left off. I sometimes wonder, if things might be different if one of us had told the BS? Things were complicated then, & their complicated now.

 

And so I wonder, given that I have learned a lot by reading what others have wrote about their experiences, -might I also learn more?

 

I can offer a perspective of OW telling me...I also had an A so it could have changed the dynamics of her telling me.

 

I called a number I didn't know & honestly i had no idea who was going to answer. She answered saying his name (I called from his phone while he slept) & I asked who she was...she answered everything honestly & I till this day appreciate that & really don't hold any hard feelings (I also had an A which could have made me see things differently vs a BS that never has).

 

After she told me everything, I hung up & woke him up. He completely turned on her, "try" to make her look like a liar & psychopath. I think it was the shock of being caught, he turned quickly. He ended up calling her & making her cry & she called me for comfort. Honestly, I felt bad for her & still do. I feel he sucked her in to his issues & threw her away...which made me look at him differently for a while. I don't care what the reason but the sight of a man disrespecting any woman he's slept with, makes me sick bc you weren't talking like that during sex so I don't feel appropriate to throw anyone under the bus over your own actions.

 

It did help save our marriage, me talking to her bc he couldn't lie & it ended up taking the pressure off bc it was ALL out on the table & that was the bottom he had to personally hit for him to change. I told him to go be with her & I wouldn't contest, talk negatively about but he said he didn't love her & even she told me he never told her he did...so we rebuilt from our affairs but I don't think our marriage would have made it had a never had that conversation with her.

 

I don't know if this helps, as you wanted a perspective of the OW telling but sometimes a different perspective of a similar situation can help. Good luck!

[Southwardbound]

I can offer a perspective of OW telling me...I also had an A so it could have changed the dynamics of her telling me.

 

I called a number I didn't know & honestly i had no idea who was going to answer. She answered saying his name (I called from his phone while he slept) & I asked who she was...she answered everything honestly & I till this day appreciate that & really don't hold any hard feelings (I also had an A which could have made me see things differently vs a BS that never has).

 

After she told me everything, I hung up & woke him up. He completely turned on her, "try" to make her look like a liar & psychopath. I think it was the shock of being caught, he turned quickly. He ended up calling her & making her cry & she called me for comfort. Honestly, I felt bad for her & still do. I feel he sucked her in to his issues & threw her away...which made me look at him differently for a while. I don't care what the reason but the sight of a man disrespecting any woman he's slept with, makes me sick bc you weren't talking like that during sex so I don't feel appropriate to throw anyone under the bus over your own actions.

 

It did help save our marriage, me talking to her bc he couldn't lie & it ended up taking the pressure off bc it was ALL out on the table & that was the bottom he had to personally hit for him to change. I told him to go be with her & I wouldn't contest, talk negatively about but he said he didn't love her & even she told me he never told her he did...so we rebuilt from our affairs but I don't think our marriage would have made it had a never had that conversation with her.

 

I don't know if this helps, as you wanted a perspective of the OW telling but sometimes a different perspective of a similar situation can help. Good luck!

 

Thank you for sharing. Would you have viewed what she said or he said back to you differently in response, if the OW had told you he had told her, he loved her?

Edited September 27, 2017 by Southwardbound

[Whoknew30]

Thank you for sharing. Would you have viewed what she said or he said back to you differently in response, if the OW had told you he had told her, he loved her?

 

It probably would have stung but it only would have mattered if he really did.

 

Everyone's situation is different...I've known my H since I was a teenager, I know him in & out. When he looked at me & said he didn't love her, I knew he wasn't lying, had I thought he was, I would have left him & at that time I was ready for a divorce, so it's not like I was blinded by desperation to stay married.

 

Also, having my own A, taught me, love is broad. We can love multiple people in different ways & love doesn't always equate that you belong with that person. Good luck in your journey with this.