I just destroyed another engagement

[AlteredStarrling]

Hi it's been so long, I wanted to update you all.

 

I just destroyed my 2nd engagement. On the night of Dec.16 I punched my now ex fiance in the mouth during an argument about our stressful jobs and his meddling parents. It was hard enough to draw a bit of blood. I feel like garbage all over again, the same exact way as when I cheated on my past fiance.

 

He wanted the ring back immediately after it happened and I gave it. His family and him don't want to hear from he. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

 

First I cheated and got caught way back in Sept 2013 (my 1st ex fiance even wrote about his version here long ago; that was really him).

Now this time I committed assaulted and don't know why. I've worked on my issues long ago.

Edited December 27, 2017 by AlteredStarrling

[stillafool]

Yeah, it's time for you to be alone and work on your issues.

[AlteredStarrling]

Yeah, it's time for you to be alone and work on your issues.

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me. I've worked on my issues after what I did to my 1st fiance.

 

I learned to communicate better and never cheated ever again. But violence? Not the slightest idea where this came from. I've never in my life hit anyone, much less punch.

[ZayKayWill]

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me. I've worked on my issues after what I did to my 1st fiance.

 

I learned to communicate better and never cheated ever again. But violence? Not the slightest idea where this came from. I've never in my life hit anyone, much less punch.

 

Your anger and impulse issues have to be stemming from somewhere. What exactly did he do to piss you off so much? All due respect but did you really think hitting him was going to make things better or that he would finally 'get it'?

 

What exactly did you do to work on your past issues? Any idea why they never seemed to work? Again you need to find someone that will help you through this and help you get deeper as to why you behave this way. Because yeah if you keep this up you're going to destroy a lot of very good life long relationships that you'll never be able to fix.

 

I can forgive someone who calls me names and legitimately apologizes for it, but idk if I could forgive someone forcefully hitting me yet alone to the point where I started bleeding. Yeah sorry but if it was me you would have been kicked to the curb right then and there.

 

If you're open to it I'm willing to listen and help talk you through why you tend to act this way. Feel free to shoot me a message if you want. Be happy that you're at least admitting you have a problem because a lot of people aren't even willing to go that far honestly.

[Els]

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me.

"The universe" didn't do anything. It was your choice and yours alone to commit assault, the consequences you are facing are a direct result of your own actions, and frankly you got off lightly for it. If I'd been in his position, I would have gone to the police and you would be spending time in jail for violent assault.

 

My suggestions: Start believing that you and you alone are responsible and accountable for your own actions. Stay single while you seek professional help.

[d0nnivain]

How much had you had to drink?

 

I know I resorted to physical violence once but had been drinking. Unless you have an anger management problem, I suspect alcohol.

 

You did the right thing by giving the ring back. Do what you need to do to undo the wedding planning.

 

The regroup. Maybe the 3rd time will be the charm but do recognize that you can't fix anything with your fists.

[ZayKayWill]

How much had you had to drink?

 

I know I resorted to physical violence once but had been drinking. Unless you have an anger management problem, I suspect alcohol.

 

You did the right thing by giving the ring back. Do what you need to do to undo the wedding planning.

 

The regroup. Maybe the 3rd time will be the charm but do recognize that you can't fix anything with your fists.

 

Honestly it doesn't seem like an alcohol thing to me but rather just all the stress finally building up to a breaking point. But you could be right too.

[AlteredStarrling]

What exactly did you do to work on your past issues? Any idea why they never seemed to work?

I was getting helped back then and even had to spend nearly two months in a psych ward. I was dealing with depression for a long after my break up with my 1st fiance.

 

I found him again but don't think he comes anymore. This is him:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/544317-two-yrs-later-my-ex-fiancee-tried-overdose-herself

 

There was a time I found it pointless to continue but recovered from it. I worked hard to get back on track till this recent incident happened.

 

No, there was no alcohol involved. I punched him being sober.

[AlteredStarrling]

How much had you had to drink?

I didn't drink at all. I've stopped drinking for the longest. The only thing I ever drink is water and natural fruit juices I made from home.

 

I will start seeking help once again.

 

There was no excuse for my assault on him. No one deserves to get hit.

Edited December 27, 2017 by AlteredStarrling

[ZayKayWill]

I was getting helped back then and even had to spend nearly two months in a psych ward. I was dealing with depression for a long after my break up with my 1st fiance.

 

I found him again but don't think he comes anymore. This is him:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/544317-two-yrs-later-my-ex-fiancee-tried-overdose-herself

 

There was a time I found it pointless to continue but recovered from it. I worked hard to get back on track till this recent incident happened.

 

No, there was no alcohol involved. I punched him being sober.

 

Honestly just a psych ward itself isn't going to be enough to completely eradicate all the issues. Self growth is and always will be a life long process. So maybe you did make some progress but maybe not enough progress.

[AlteredStarrling]

Actually yes, my mother used to hit my father long ago. I was 7-12 years old back then. I have several past issues but I really thought I've worked on them already.

 

What happened that night felt as if my past was coming back again.

[AlteredStarrling]

Guys I want to share what I've previously posted on my past thread. It's detailing part of my life.

I would like to say thank you all for replying and asking what happened. To be honest, when I started this thread I was prepared to receive labels and get the ''Well if you loved him so much, you wouldn't have cheated on him'' thrown on me. Before I posted this, I was reading a couple stories over here on those that got cheated and I caught some strong negative feelings said about cheater so I wasn't really sure if it was worth telling my story; a cheater's version of it. Instead, I'm noticing some of you want to know my story and what happened; actually about 3-4 of you already figured it out esp aliveagain and Chi_town_D so I have decided that I'll say the completed version of it. During counseling, I'll have to say the truth too and say the whole version so I might as well share it here too.

I'm sorry to hear about that. Yes, I would like to add more. It's regarding my past, all the way to when I cheated, him finding out but not saying anything right away and finding out he knew about it and was waiting to break it off. I would like to add my ex fiance (I'll call him L) isn't the type to quickly confront you if he knows something bad you did. He tends to wait until he's calmer and will then confront you about it but first tries to let you figure it out.

 

Early issue regarding abusive mother

Right now I'm heading all the way back towards 1994 (my then 7 year-old self) hearing their arguments and my mother getting physically aggressive again. My father was never the type of man to hit a woman or child; he stood there and would cover himself or hold her till she stopped; one time I saw my mother kicking him in the groin and he was in pain. It happened mainly in while drunken moments (yes, she was an alcoholic) and sometimes she would take it out on both my younger brother and me, chasing us while our father wouldn't do too much except try to talk her out of it. This lasted until I was 12 and she stopped suddenly but sometimes she can still be sarcastic and put you down. Though she did apologized for the physical abuse, she can at times be verbally mean esp if you do something wrong and will keep going on till the next day. Though I don't hate her, she isn't the person I respect the most. I would cry more if something happen to my father than to her. I never told anyone this. I told L about my past issues, being abused and bullied but didn't really specified it as I'm doing now. Till this day everyone thinks my parents are the perfect couple and compliment on what a caring and sweet woman my mother is.

 

Early issue regarding my classmates at school

I was constantly being harassed at school and this lasted all the way till junior high. They would cornered for a long time calling my name out and other things, two of the girls tripped me and called me ugly and how I wouldn't need any mask, got my lunch box stolen several times, the girls would followed me in the bathroom and teased me there too, invented things about me and sometimes threw dirt on the way out. The worst was the comment those girls made about how the world would be better without me and why don't I die already. The only good news is I moved to a different high school and didn't see any of my bullies there. It was better in HS and slowly started forgetting about those horrible years. I never received any apology from them and don't really care. I never really found out why they hated me so much. I was quiet and shy back then but that was no reason.

 

My cousin who molested me

It happened during the summer of 2000, in which I was left with my other relatives and my cousin P. He was 4 years older than me. Whenever we were left alone, he would put his hands on me. I freaked out at first and asked what the hell was he doing. He would said it's what cousins do and how I would not be believed if I told anyone. He would fingered me at times and restrained me from getting away. One time it got too far and I really got scared. I was sleeping and suddenly felt someone touching me and it was him. he started reaching towards me kept saying let's do it, this is what you want. I screamed loudly and woke up my aunt. He made up an excuse on how I had a nightmare and he got worried and checked up on me. I never wanted to go back there ever since.

 

Fast-forward to issues within my relationship

I had several relationships before I met L. I didn't cheat on neither of them but the relationship would be over within about 3-6 months and usually I was the dumper. None of them would satisfied me at some point and I always felt there was something missing (I never had any issue of men not wanting a serious relationship nor commitment, the problem was me who didn't want to at the time). I would break up and within a couple weeks later started dating someone else. I met L in 2009 and he was the only man that I lasted the longest and really wanted a life with him. We moved in by mid November of 2011 and he proposed to me towards the ending of December of 2012. I was filled with joy in that moment and everyone was happy for me, even my mother. She said I'm so proud of you, the only time I've ever heard her told me something nice and being happy for me. Things were great until several arguments over bills, his double shifts, the organization of the wedding (my parents were the ones to pick the place and we didn't have a say to it) and too many guest invited that we don't know very well. I started feeling depressed sometime in May of this year and spoke to my female friend Kristy about our current issues. Near the end of that month she invited me to a girls night out and I met R (my short-term affair partner). I first cheated on July and we went somewhere else. I had a couple of missed calls from L and he called my father. My father told him, I was out with friends from work and elaborated the alibi. I felt guilty but as aliveagain mentioned it, compartmentalization took place and I kept seeking R for comfort, continuing living in my fantasy and shutting down my life with L. I never stopped loving L but my affair started growing into an addition. L was kind of suspicious after the first time and noticed I've been a bit different but still trusted me, didn't think I cheated. The second time, which was last month is when he found out (as another poster said, I played with fire and got burned; I was stuck in my little world that I wasn't too secretive this time; in fact I made it obvious but as aliveagain said on his previous post I wasn't thinking of the day he would find out). However, he didn't confronted me right away but actually played it out. I noticed that suddenly he wasn't calling me and was wondering what happened. I really started freaking out and thought he had a terrible accident or something. A couple days later was when he came back but was different this time. I noticed it and by then I knew it that he knew. If there is anything that hurt me so much is seeing him in pain and the complete disappointment look on him. He didn't vent out on me and let me talk; we spoke for some time but it was still over.

 

This is my 1st previous fiance:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/423066-i-caught-my-fiancee-cheating-but-she-doesn-t-know

I was right when I assumed this might have been him. That was him writing at the time. I'm the WS from back then.

[frigginlost]

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me. I've worked on my issues after what I did to my 1st fiance.

 

I learned to communicate better and never cheated ever again. But violence? Not the slightest idea where this came from. I've never in my life hit anyone, much less punch.

 

You may have worked on the road that drove you to cheat on your 1st engagement, but you used a different road to kill the second. Both roads lead from the same start point.

 

Stay single (that means stay single for a long while) get more therapy, and find the start point. Then kill it.

 

Then find a partner.

[usa1ah]

It feels as if I were cursed into never getting married or as if the universe was punishing me. I've worked on my issues after what I did to my 1st fiance.

 

I learned to communicate better and never cheated ever again. But violence? Not the slightest idea where this came from. I've never in my life hit anyone, much less punch.

 

Maybe he deserved it?

 

There are people out there that do.

[usa1ah]

I didn't drink at all. I've stopped drinking for the longest. The only thing I ever drink is water and natural fruit juices I made from home.

 

I will start seeking help once again.

 

There was no excuse for my assault on him. No one deserves to get hit.

 

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

[sdraw108]

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

 

What a ridiculous and sexist thing to say. It's never ok for a man to hit a woman, but sometimes it's ok for a woman to hit a man if they "deserve it"?

 

That is some really twisted logic.

[Els]

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

 

Ridiculous. The only time a person ever "deserves" to be punched in the face is in self defense (e.g. if he was actively trying to rape her). Clearly that is not the case in the OP.

 

For everything else, the only thing they "deserve" is to be dumped to the curb.

[ZayKayWill]

Ridiculous. The only time a person ever "deserves" to be punched in the face is in self defense (e.g. if he was actively trying to rape her). Clearly that is not the case in the OP.

 

For everything else, the only thing they "deserve" is to be dumped to the curb.

 

To be fair I can kinda see where he's coming from in the sense that men generally are stronger than women, but you're right no one deserves to get hit and in self defense gender is completely irrelevant.

[AlteredStarrling]

Maybe he deserved it?

 

There are people out there that do.

Why would a loved one deserve it?

I was never in any danger when this happened.

[AlteredStarrling]

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

It should be assault either way. I did something very wrong and the consequence is losing a wonderful person for good. If he wanted to he could have charged me with assault, which I would have admitted to it.

I'm trying to understand your logic but really can't. If I were the one getting hit, many people would say leave ASAP. He's doing what I would have done too.

[stillafool]

Sorry I don’t agree with this. Some people do. Never a man hitting a woman mind you.

 

Yeah, OP is lucky she didn't punch the wrong man. Some men would have punched her back.

[AlteredStarrling]

Yeah, OP is lucky she didn't punch the wrong man. Some men would have punched her back.

I'm aware of that too and still feel terrible even if he didn't punch me back. I'm going to accept that he's not ever coming back and work on myself again.

 

Hopefully I can once again get back on track and form a family one day. I already lost two engagements for my own bad actions, my stupidity. The first for cheating and this one for asssault.

[AlteredStarrling]

Ridiculous. The only time a person ever "deserves" to be punched in the face is in self defense (e.g. if he was actively trying to rape her). Clearly that is not the case in the OP.

Thank you for standing firm with your stance. I can't really understand why is my assault justified to certain individuals. During our whole relationship, I never felt threatened nor in danger. This was an argument gone totally wrong where I punched him in anger.

For everything else, the only thing they "deserve" is to be dumped to the curb.

Indeed. For instance, my 1st fiance dumped me when I cheated on him. He didn't confronted me till a couple days later. I was foolish at the time thinking he wouldn't find out.

[Els]

It should be assault either way. I did something very wrong and the consequence is losing a wonderful person for good. If he wanted to he could have charged me with assault, which I would have admitted to it.

I'm trying to understand your logic but really can't. If I were the one getting hit, many people would say leave ASAP. He's doing what I would have done too.

 

I'm very glad you realize this, and I hope that you will be able to successfully work on your violence/anger issues. Have you spoken to a mental health professional about this? They may be able to offer help that we can't.

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Kristine]

I haven't read all the responses just your post. My take is you have strong emotions that you need to learn to control. You may have a mental health issue underlying it. But violence is never ok, and not knowing where it comes from says you were out of control with wanting to prove your point.