Thoughts on those who enable abuse

[Chibaby]

Hi everyone,

I have an interesting situation. I am married to a man who was SEVERELY physically and mentally abused by his father. His mother stayed married to him until the oldest sibling was 12, middle was 9, youngest was 5. All three brothers (now all in their 30's-40's). Each brother has emotional issues. They say a day doesn't go by without it affecting their lives.

 

The father and abuser is no longer in their lives. However, my mother in law is. It pains me to be around her, and I honestly don't respect her for letting this abuse go on for so long. My husband defends her for the following reasons:

 

1. She was a victim of the abuse herself

2. English wasn't her first language, she was raised in China, different value system

3. She's old and can't change the past

 

OK - I get that, but I don't agree with how she handled things. I don't really want to be around her. As a mother myself, I have a hard time understanding how one could live in the US, yet allow this behavior to go on for so long. There is no way in hell I would let this go on with me or my kids while I just hung out and watched. There are resources out there. She wasn't the abuser, but she enabled it for so long. Does being a victim justify this?

 

1. She wasn't held captive by the father in any way, she could have left at any time.

2. She taught Chinese in the U.S. Army, so I assume she had mastered the english language at least enough to communicate. Why did she stay?

 

I dislike my mother in law for a lot of other reasons, manipulative, and self centered behavior, guilt tripping, lack of tact, etc. I can deal with most of that, but the abuse thing really eats at me. I don't want her around me or my children. I see how much my husband suffers from the past, and I just have zero respect for her.

 

Opinions please. Am I being too harsh? She should have protected the kids, yet she was being abused herself. Does being abused justify enabling your kids to be abused for 12 years? I would love to understand more about this situation. Is my opinion valid or am I in the wrong here?

[Auspecial]

Honestly I think that its more your role to support your husband, and he has decided to handle her with a level of compassion/forgiveness.

 

I can understand not leaving young children around her unsupervised, however.

[badpenny]

Forgive me for saying so, but until you have lived in a household where the perceived "head" is a bullying, abusive, cruel and warped individual, that question is both unanswerable and incomprehensible for you.

 

You can have no idea of the severe psychological impact such living conditions can impose.

It's inhuman; horrendous.

Mentally, the abused become conditioned to survive, and endure, whatever it takes.

Your husband's mother could not leave; she had her sons to try to take care of.

In the only way possible for her.

But she wasn't strong enough to fight him. her will and character were broken, and she too must have suffered dreadful agony at his hands; even if not physically, he emotionally stunted her and beat her psyche into cowed submission.

 

Ask a torture victim how they managed to endure months - sometimes years - of both physical and psychological abuse.

Physical scars may heal, but mentally, it's no wonder so many are shadows of their former selves.

 

Your husband's mother does not deserve your hostility, disdain, dislike or aversion.

She actually deserves compassion and empathy.

 

That may be difficult for you to muster, but believe me, she endured dreadful distress during those times, and probably still cannot fully come to terms herself, with what she seemed, for all the world knows, to permit to continue unhindered.

 

Could I suggest that instead of outright blaming her for what she did or didn't do, you read this article.

It may help you understand better.

[preraph]

There is a lot of this going on out there, more than most people know. I don't believe in blaming the victim, but at the same time, I think a mother's first duty is to protect her young, and there is very little excuse for not doing that. She was a victim. On top of that her being from another culture in a strange place probably left her uncertain as to what her rights were, plus she probably didn't know how she'd make a living otherwise. When you're in the middle of something like an abusive household, you are often being isolated and you know that anything you might do to rebel might trigger more violence. I don't know if she had any relatives she could have packed up and ran off to. She may have felt she simply had nowhere to go and that that was better than being on the streets. Also, it sounds simple to put the kids in the car and go, but it's not that simple. Some of them will dig in and not want to go for whatever reason, whether it be fear of retaliation, fear of the unknown, or afraid that means they'll have to go to a different school and lose their best friends.

 

She may have had no money at all to do anything. If she called the police and he'd left marks, yes, they would do something, but they also might have taken the children away from her as well and put them into foster families.

 

Being part of an abusive household, no decision is easy and no action is easy. If her English was limited and she had no money of her own and nowhere to go, but she took off anyway, her husband could hire an attorney and make her look like the bad one and she would have no attorney to fight for her.

 

Now, all those excuses listed out, there are women who could do something and don't. They choose their husbands or lifestyle over their kids, and it's unforgiveable. They have resources to leave, but they want to hang onto their man and what he can provide. There's no excuse for that. They're just weak or selfish or both.

 

Have you ever just asked her? Maybe opening communications might help. It would be nice if they could all get into family therapy together (minus the dad).

[Chibaby]

Unfortunately, the relationship between the mother and kids isn't one of open communication. She didn't even tell them she loved them until they were in high school. If I ask her I think it would be overstepping my boundaries as her daughter-in-law. I don't forsee counseling as an option as an option, as all 3 brothers live in different states. I don't think she's a bad person, I just think she made poor choices that left a lot of damage in their wake. I just don't like being around her at all. I know she won't change, so how can I change in order to tolerate being around her? I wear my heart on my sleeve...I love my husband and kids and it makes me upset to be around her.

[elaine567]

You are not being abused, so it is difficult for you to understand the mindset of your MIL whilst she was in that abusive relationship.

Leslie Morgan Steiner, who has written a book on her abusive relationship Crazy Love, addresses such psychological warfare in her Ted Talk on the subject. She explains that the first step in any abusive relationship is to seduce the victim and make them feel like they are the ones in control.

Research also shows that abusers are drawn to people who already feel powerless in other aspects of their life. These people question their own worth and thus do not consider whether their needs are being met. Predators build up the victim’s self-esteem before introducing the abuse. Many were victims of domestic abuse as children or grew up with parents who were in an abusive relationship. “They don’t have a model for anything different,” explains Malkin. “They accept it as the price of intimacy.”

 

Steiner says that once an abuser has made the victim feel special, he or she isolates him or her. Only then does the abuser introduce the threat of violence.

“Why did I stay?” she asks in her Ted Talk. “I didn’t know he was abusing me. Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as a dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on earth who could help [him] face his demons.”

 

She adds that it can be dangerous to leave an abuser because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is to kill the victim. Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has left the relationship. What finally compelled her to leave was a final beating that convinced her she was no longer safe. She combatted her abusive husband by sharing her story—telling everyone she knows.

 

Why Janay Rice Stayed in an Abusive Relationship with Ray Rice

[preraph]

Try to realize that many abusers, if not most, were also victims of childhood abuse. She may have been seriously damaged and simply not have the tools to have had children. You can't know what her whole story is, but just realize and be sure you man does too, that she didn't get that way from being treated well herself as a child or an adult, so she IS a victim one way or the other.

 

People who have abusive parents often model after them (because who else is there to model after), so women who grew up with abuse will often take up with abusive men because something about them is familiar territory to them. Men who grow up in abuse can too, but often are abusive themselves. So keep your eyes wide open. Hopefully your man rebelled, but it doesn't sound like he has any insight to it, so he could be subject to uncontrollable rages, which is where a lot of abuse comes from. People with a lot of anger from childhood often have flash anger that can get really bad. They may not always be able to control themselves. So pay close attention to who he rages around and who he doesn't. If he never loses it at work or around certain people but can't seem to stop himself around others, then he CAN control it but doesn't bother, and that is abuse. If he just loses it once in a while at the world at large, he may not be able to control it. Don't get too comfortable, though, because if he hasn't dealt with all this and sought to understand it and forgive and understand, he could explode sometime. If he acknowledges he has some anger/rage issues, ask him to take an anger-management course. It did wonders for a guy I know. Gave him tools to understand where it was coming from. Or have him see a psychologist all on his own, because he really probably needs to. He's been through a lot. Poor guy.

 

Good luck.

[Quiet Storm]

I agree that she was probably abused, too.

 

I think it's fine for you to avoid her and stay away. You shouldn't have to be around someone you cannot stand.

 

But your husband has the right to have a relationship with his mother, and he should also be able to take his own kids to see her. I do understand if you object to her babysitting them.

[amaysngrace]

If you haven't been in her shoes then who are you to judge her so harshly? She did the best she could with what she knew and was dysfunctional herself to tolerate that treatment. She got out when she could though. Don't forget that.

 

Practice compassion and forgiveness or I'm sorry to say but otherwise you seem borderline abusive yourself.

[Chibaby]

[quote=

 

Practice compassion and forgiveness or I'm sorry to say but otherwise you seem borderline abusive yourself.

 

Calling me borderline abusive is a bit much don't you think? Of course I don't discourage him from seeing his mother, nor do I want to deprive my daughter of a grandmother. He himself said she cannot watch our children alone. I support my husband in whatever decision he makes.

 

I guess the point of my post, is I am trying to understand how to cope with being around someone who enabled the abuse of someone I love. I resent her for it because I see the pain and issues it causes. I am not trying to sever any relationships here, just trying to understand it, and trying to deal with it. If someone stood by while the person you love was hurt, wouldn't you have an issue with it? Wondering other peoples thoughts, and trying to see if anyone has dealt with a similar situation.

[pteromom]

You say she wasn't held captive by her husband and she could have left at any time, but there are many ways to hold someone captive.

 

If he was abusive and cruel to your husband, then of course, he was abusive to her too.

 

Perhaps he told her of the horrible things he would do - the horrible ways he would kill her and her children - if she ever tried to leave.

 

Perhaps he beat her and raped her and forced her into compliance until she was scared and weak and unable to do anything differently.

 

Perhaps she felt she could better protect the children with the parents in the same household, rather than letting her husband have visitation where he would have more access to abuse the kids.

 

Your husband was there. He saw her abused. And what happened behind closed doors between adults was probably much much worse than what he saw.

 

You say you would never let this happen to your kids, but you are approaching it from your healthy, safe, free perspective. It's easy to imagine what you would do, but you never know who you would be in that situation until you are in it.

 

I am trying to understand how to cope with being around someone who enabled the abuse of someone I love. I resent her for it because I see the pain and issues it causes.

 

Do it for your husband. He has forgiven her. He loves her. He wants to be around her. It's an act of love by you toward him to be around his mother, even though you don't understand her actions.

[eye of the storm]

Sometimes it is very hard to wrap your head around how someone else can do horrible things.

 

Sometimes it is because they are terrible people.

 

Sometimes it is more complicated. Sometimes all choices that you think you have available are bad.

 

I had a friend who treated some Afghan children who were starving to death. Their mothers were giving them opium instead of feeding them. Sounds horrific. I, in my well fed home with a grocery store down the road, cannot possibly imaging doing that. But these mothers had no food, had no access to food, and were watching their children slowly starve. Opium was plentiful. It stopped the children's pain and stopped them from crying.

 

I can only be grateful that I have never had to make that choice.

 

You can be grateful that you were not abused by your husband. You can be grateful that your parents did not do that to you. But if your husband has found it in his heart to forgive maybe he realized his mother was in the same boat he was and it was terrible and terrifying to them all. I don't know the exact situation. Maybe she protected them as much as she could. But I am just glad that everyone got out of that house alive and your husband has found the ability to be a good husband and parent.

[elaine567]

You say you would never let this happen to your kids, but you are approaching it from your healthy, safe, free perspective.

 

^^^ this^^^

 

Exactly.

 

OP I am not sure why you have now posted this post 3 times today on LS?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/526726-those-who-enable-abuse

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/526728-thoughts-those-who-enable-abuse

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/526739-thoughts-mothers-who-enable-abuse

[Auspecial]

Calling me borderline abusive is a bit much don't you think? Of course I don't discourage him from seeing his mother, nor do I want to deprive my daughter of a grandmother. He himself said she cannot watch our children alone. I support my husband in whatever decision he makes.

 

I guess the point of my post, is I am trying to understand how to cope with being around someone who enabled the abuse of someone I love. I resent her for it because I see the pain and issues it causes. I am not trying to sever any relationships here, just trying to understand it, and trying to deal with it. If someone stood by while the person you love was hurt, wouldn't you have an issue with it? Wondering other peoples thoughts, and trying to see if anyone has dealt with a similar situation.

 

What I imagine myself doing is, cultivating patience within my own heart, while having his back at every turn.