Can't Get Over Hating Attractive People

[verhrzn]

I'm in my mid-twenties and have always been considered unattractive... "cute" is the very best I can get. I never get hit on, or flirted with, and guys I date tell me they liked me DESPITE my looks, that my personality makes up for the fact that I'm not as hot as my or his friends.

 

I've always really struggled with my looks in regards to relationships. I know that physical attraction is one of the best things that guys look for in a partner... yeah, personality is nice, but it only goes so far. What seems to happen, over and over, is that guys deal with my bad looks cause of my nice personality, but then dump me or cheat on me whenever they find a girl who has both looks AND personality they like. OR, they only date me because they themselves are desperate... I seem to always get the guy who has been friend-zoned by everyone else, and he's still desperately in love with his best female friend but has "settled" for me.

 

In the past few months, whenever I am out in the world, or reading relationship articles, I feel consumed with jealousy and anger of attractive women. I know they might have problems as well, but at least they're beautiful, at least men want them. I also end up hating men too... I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

 

People tell me this is a very negative attitude to have but I don't know how to get over it. How do you deal in a world full of attractive people when you're not? In the case of unattractive girls, should we just accept the fact that we'll either be alone or that girl a guy "settled" for, until he dumps you and moves on?

[Cracker Jack]

So you hate yourself, then?

 

I also like how you're apparently a mind reader, and can see that the ugly/unattractive guys only want you because you're their last option. If you have that attitude, there's no reason to even be on a dating site. Stop worrying about other people. Worry about yourself instead.

 

There are going to be people more desirable than you. Most of us men deal with the same thing. Some of us wish we were taller and had the innate ability to project the masculine energy that gets all of the women's panties wet. You can either understand your situation (In this situation, your outlook) and try to improve upon it, or spend your time complaining about how it's not fair while hating the others who are doing their thing. It's really that simple.

[fortyninethousand322]

Well, I know it means nothing coming from me, a guy with humongous issues of his own. But, I do think you are an attractive woman. If I saw you on a dating site I'd probably send you a message.

 

That being said I often find that beauty is unrelated to how strongly I'm attracted to someone. I have only ever been "in love" with one girl. Like I was crazy about this girl. Beyond crazy even. She was just so...intriguing, beautiful in a fun way ? I don't know exactly the right words to describe it. There was just something about her. She didn't feel the same way about me (or whatever caused things to go awry) but I would have gladly give a limb to have her be interested in me back then.

 

You want to know the funny thing? She wasn't even objectively "hot". Her looks were above average or "cute", but she wore hardly any makeup, and her clothes consisted of jeans, a t-shirt (occasionally a blouse) and the same pair of sketchers everyday (an older pair too). But the chemistry we had, the way she carried herself, everything just made me fall BADLY for her.

 

Any way, what I'm trying to say is that a) I find you to be very attractive (and I'm not an unattractive guy, I work out and take care of my looks) and b) even if some people don't find you attractive in an objective way, that doesn't mean you'll be "settled" for.

 

Again, just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

[verhrzn]

I also like how you're apparently a mind reader, and can see that the ugly/unattractive guys only want you because you're their last option. If you have that attitude, there's no reason to even be on a dating site. Stop worrying about other people. Worry about yourself instead.

 

There are going to be people more desirable than you. Most of us men deal with the same thing. Some of us wish we were taller and had the innate ability to project the masculine energy that gets all of the women's panties wet. You can either understand your situation (In this situation, your outlook) and try to improve upon it, or spend your time complaining about how it's not fair while hating the others who are doing their thing. It's really that simple.

 

I'm not a mind reader... they tell me out right. They tell me that Girl A, B and C are hotter but friend-zoned them or rejected them. I go on dates with guys (that I pursued, by the by) who go on about how many girls don't like them, how they're too short/ugly/poor/weird, what have you.

 

I've been told several times that I'm the ONLY option, not the best one.

 

So, what, I should just be happy that the only reasons these guys are with me is because they couldn't get anything better, not because they ACTUALLY find me attractive?

[fortyninethousand322]

Well, I know it means nothing coming from me, a guy with humongous issues of his own. But, I do think you are an attractive woman. If I saw you on a dating site I'd probably send you a message.

 

That being said I often find that beauty is unrelated to how strongly I'm attracted to someone. I have only ever been "in love" with one girl. Like I was crazy about this girl. Beyond crazy even. She was just so...intriguing, beautiful in a fun way ? I don't know exactly the right words to describe it. There was just something about her. She didn't feel the same way about me (or whatever caused things to go awry) but I would have gladly give a limb to have her be interested in me back then.

 

You want to know the funny thing? She wasn't even objectively "hot". Her looks were above average or "cute", but she wore hardly any makeup, and her clothes consisted of jeans, a t-shirt (occasionally a blouse) and the same pair of sketchers everyday (an older pair too). But the chemistry we had, the way she carried herself, everything just made me fall BADLY for her.

 

Any way, what I'm trying to say is that a) I find you to be very attractive (and I'm not an unattractive guy, I work out and take care of my looks) and b) even if some people don't find you attractive in an objective way, that doesn't mean you'll be "settled" for.

 

Again, just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

 

I'd like to add to this that this was back when I was still optimistic and felt like I could get any girl I wanted. So I never felt like I was settling.

[Cracker Jack]

They've all told you that? That's kinda odd. I don't see why anyone would even admit to that--let alone a lot of them. If so, then I don't blame you for rejecting them. Based on the way your post was written, I was under the impression that you rejected them because they weren't able to do well with other women. Are you just drawn to guys with low self-esteem or something? If they're telling you stuff like that, they're in no position to be dating, anyway. You should want better for yourself.

 

No, you shouldn't be happy about that. No one wants to be the last option. However, I have to wonder if you like to read you want and ignore certain things. Most of us basically agree that you're an attractive woman, so why do you feel the need to keep referring to yourself as unattractive?

 

Look, you've admitted that you reject attractive guys because you don't want to waste your time, and you reject (understandably so) unattractive guys because they've deemed you as their last option. Why don't you give the attractive guys a chance? Do you assume you're wasting your time because their chances of getting someone "better" than you are high?

[iris219]

Someone will always be better than you in some way. Jealousy and bitterness are pointless.

 

An attractive woman gets approached by losers who are only interested in the way she looks. They want to sleep with her and could care less about getting to know her. Normal guys are intimidated by her and never approach.

 

People tend to be attracted to those of equal attractiveness. Average people genuinely find other average people attractive. Those guys online DO find you attractive.

 

I'm not saying you're lying, but maybe you're exaggerating when you say ALL these guys tell you they want someone hotter? Are they really that clueless and mean? There's seriously something wrong with these guys if they do that, not you.

[AHardDaysNight]

iris is right.

 

I am geeky. I find geeky girls attractive, most of all.

[somedude81]

I also end up hating men too... I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

 

People tell me this is a very negative attitude to have but I don't know how to get over it.

Yeah, that is a very strong mental blockage but you know that already.

 

What is surprising to me is that even with you having a boyfriend now, you still feel that way.

 

It's almost like you're in denial about what you have.

[verhrzn]

Yeah, that is a very strong mental blockage but you know that already.

 

What is surprising to me is that even with you having a boyfriend now, you still feel that way.

 

It's almost like you're in denial about what you have.

 

How in the world do I have a boyfriend?? And I'm not really sure what you mean by "mental blockage."

[Eve]

Back in the day when I looked quite terrible I only remember wanting to look better, so I can't really relate to the hating others who look great bit within your post.

 

Maybe you need to slow down a bit? It's like you are too desperate. I mean, nowhere have you mentioned the characteristics you are looking for. Also, you should not be letting men talk to you the way you have said. It made me feel really protective of you, like they were just trying to use you and you were letting them rather than not have someone.

 

Sorry if I am way of base but I think you need to slow right down.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Cracker Jack]

I'm curious, verhrzn, why do you consider yourself unattractive? I'm asking because I want to hear your reasoning, not what other guys said.

[verhrzn]

I'm curious, verhrzn, why do you consider yourself unattractive? I'm asking because I want to hear your reasoning, not what other guys said.

 

If you stuck me in a world by myself, I'd probably consider myself average with some good days. But in a world filled with everyone else, I'm all wrong. I'm too fat for my size... I'm 5'ish and anywhere from 120-130 pounds, with a 32" inch waist and 37" hips (especially making me a box.) My nose is too wide, my mouth is too thin, my hair is both thin and oily, my skin is strange (I can't tan... I am either super white or bright red), and I have a double chin. All in all, I'm just badly proportioned and colored.

 

But mostly I consider myself unattractive because I've always been told and treated as if I am. In middle school and high school friends always told me I was considered the ugly one of our social group. In high school some popular kids locked me inside a locker for a few hours because they said I was too ugly to look at. When I went to Japan a few years ago, my middle school students (mostly the boys) called me Pig-Sensei and would remark how fat I looked (they seemed to forget sometimes I could understand Japanese...)

 

And that's not even considering my dating experience. Back in April a guy I'd been seeing for six months dumped me for being "physically unattractive" (his words) but said he loved my personality. Out of the 4 guys I've seriously dated, and 2 guys I've had some FWB thing with, only 1 of them told me he was into my looks.

 

In my shoes, would YOU really think you were that attractive?

[somedude81]

How in the world do I have a boyfriend?? And I'm not really sure what you mean by "mental blockage."

Sorry I was under the impression that you had a boyfriend for a couple of months now.

 

The mental blockage is that you believe you are not good no matter what everything else is telling you.

[verhrzn]

Sorry I was under the impression that you had a boyfriend for a couple of months now.

 

The mental blockage is that you believe you are not good no matter what everything else is telling you.

 

No, I have an FWB, which as everyone tells me is just a guy who uses me for physical connection but doesn't actually like or feel attracted to me.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean by "no matter what everything else is telling (you.)" What are you referring to?

[somedude81]

If you stuck me in a world by myself, I'd probably consider myself average with some good days. But in a world filled with everyone else, I'm all wrong. I'm too fat for my size... I'm 5'ish and anywhere from 120-130 pounds, with a 32" inch waist and 37" hips (especially making me a box.) My nose is too wide, my mouth is too thin, my hair is both thin and oily, my skin is strange (I can't tan... I am either super white or bright red), and I have a double chin. All in all, I'm just badly proportioned and colored.

So you can only think of the negatives? You didn't mention anything about how you have a cute face and big boobs.

 

Your weight is pretty fine for your height.

But mostly I consider myself unattractive because I've always been told and treated as if I am. In middle school and high school friends always told me I was considered the ugly one of our social group. In high school some popular kids locked me inside a locker for a few hours because they said I was too ugly to look at.

Let me guess, it was mostly girls who did those mean things to you?

 

 

When I went to Japan a few years ago, my middle school students (mostly the boys) called me Pig-Sensei and would remark how fat I looked (they seemed to forget sometimes I could understand Japanese...)

That's middle school kids. And aren't most people in Japan really thin?

And that's not even considering my dating experience. Back in April a guy I'd been seeing for six months dumped me for being "physically unattractive"

Yeah, he's an ass.

 

No, I have an FWB, which as everyone tells me is just a guy who uses me for physical connection but doesn't actually like or feel attracted to me.

Still? I thought you've gone to the next level with him.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean by "no matter what everything else is telling (you.)" What are you referring to?

Plenty of people who've seen your picture said you were attractive. You have a thing with a guy now. And you've been messaged by guys you thought were attractive but you don't bother with them because you think you're not good enough.

[Cracker Jack]

If you stuck me in a world by myself, I'd probably consider myself average with some good days. But in a world filled with everyone else, I'm all wrong. I'm too fat for my size... I'm 5'ish and anywhere from 120-130 pounds, with a 32" inch waist and 37" hips (especially making me a box.) My nose is too wide, my mouth is too thin, my hair is both thin and oily, my skin is strange (I can't tan... I am either super white or bright red), and I have a double chin. All in all, I'm just badly proportioned and colored.

 

But mostly I consider myself unattractive because I've always been told and treated as if I am. In middle school and high school friends always told me I was considered the ugly one of our social group. In high school some popular kids locked me inside a locker for a few hours because they said I was too ugly to look at. When I went to Japan a few years ago, my middle school students (mostly the boys) called me Pig-Sensei and would remark how fat I looked (they seemed to forget sometimes I could understand Japanese...)

 

And that's not even considering my dating experience. Back in April a guy I'd been seeing for six months dumped me for being "physically unattractive" (his words) but said he loved my personality. Out of the 4 guys I've seriously dated, and 2 guys I've had some FWB thing with, only 1 of them told me he was into my looks.

 

In my shoes, would YOU really think you were that attractive?

 

I'm sorry for your crappy experiences. But they're just that: crappy experiences. We've all had them. I'm kinda short and sometimes feel insecure about it; my hands are kinda small, too. We all have flaws we'd like to change.

 

I think your weight and height is fine. Most would prefer a woman to weigh less, but I think your size is fine. Middle school students disrespect everyone, and they're, uh, little kids. Who cares? It shouldn't even be relevant. The guy that dumped you was simply a waste of your time, and you can obviously do better than that.

 

Listen to me: you're an attractive woman, regardless of what you want to believe. You might not believe this, but that's fine. Sometimes we all have a tendency to disregard what others say about our looks, because we're usually too focused on the negative. I have a feeling you're going to disregard all of this, tho.

 

How are you in IRL? Are you friendly?

[verhrzn]

I'm sorry for your crappy experiences. But they're just that: crappy experiences. We've all had them. I'm kinda short and sometimes feel insecure about it; my hands are kinda small, too. We all have flaws we'd like to change.

 

I think your weight and height is fine. Most would prefer a woman to weigh less, but I think your size is fine. Middle school students disrespect everyone, and they're, uh, little kids. Who cares? It shouldn't even be relevant. The guy that dumped you was simply a waste of your time, and you can obviously do better than that.

 

Listen to me: you're an attractive woman, regardless of what you want to believe. You might not believe this, but that's fine. Sometimes we all have a tendency to disregard what others say about our looks, because we're usually too focused on the negative. I have a feeling you're going to disregard all of this, tho.

 

How are you in IRL? Are you friendly?

 

Except they're not just "crappy" experiences. It's that my ratio of good experience is about 1 to 1000. Except for that 1 boyfriend, none of my other boyfriends thought I was physically attractive. I never get hit on. I never get pursued. I never get flirted with, or crushed on. Even guys online don't bother with me... they only talk to me if I message them first, and they always have some excuse for why they don't want to meet up.

 

How can someone possibly think they're attractive when ALL the evidence is to the contrary?

 

And I am friendly to a point. I am polite, and I smile, but like I said in the original post, I have a deep hatred of attractive people now, and I avoid them whenever I can. (Not that it matters, as they don't take any notice of me anyway.) You can tell when a guy is interested in a girl... I see the way guys act and look at the gym, or bookstore, and no guy EVER acts that way with me.

[verhrzn]

So you can only think of the negatives? You didn't mention anything about how you have a cute face and big boobs.

 

Your weight is pretty fine for your height.

Let me guess, it was mostly girls who did those mean things to you?

 

Still? I thought you've gone to the next level with him.

 

Plenty of people who've seen your picture said you were attractive. You have a thing with a guy now. And you've been messaged by guys you thought were attractive but you don't bother with them because you think you're not good enough.

 

I don't have a cute face. I have decent eyes... that's about it. I think you might be confusing me with someone else, Somedude, cause my boobs are rather average-sized. (C or Dish, which is usual for chubby/fat girls.)

 

Actually, no, it was mostly boys who mocked me. Girls could be mean, but some of them liked having me around because I made them feel better about themselves; they got to be the Pretty One when they were around me, so they were nice to me. Certain guys were incredibly cruel though... In high school a few stole my year book and wrote about how ugly I was and how I should just off myself.

 

I haven't gone to the next level... he says we're "dating," but he won't qualify what exactly that means. For example, he says he's "focused on me" but he'd be "only a little jealous" if I did stuff with other guys, and he doesn't want a relationship YET, he just wants to "date and see where it goes." In other words, still FWB.

 

No I haven't been messaged by guys that I think are attractive... When I say I ignore someone if they seem attractive, I mean that I don't message them or try to talk to them at all.

 

I really don't get why people here have said they thought my picture was fine. If I was attractive, then how could this stuff possibly keep happening to me?

[AHardDaysNight]

no guy EVER acts that way with me.

 

Correction: No guy has acted that way with you, up to now.

 

It could all change tomorrow.

[fortyninethousand322]

You know verhrzn, why is that you don't believe any of the people on LS who say they think you're good looking? Do you think we're lying? Or do our opinions not count?

 

I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel about yourself, but I honest to God can't see any problems with your looks (you did have a thread a while back with your photo posted correct?).

[snug.bunny]

For every non-drop-dead gorgeous woman who complains about not being drop-dead gorgeous, is a drop-dead gorgeous woman complaining that her man cheated on her with a non-drop-dead gorgeous woman.

 

Do you think you're the only person in this world who has/has had problems, despite what they do/don't look like? Average, not average, beautiful, hot, drop dead gorgeous.

 

How about being a quadriplegic?

 

Guess what, EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

 

Please forgive my harshness, hope it helped...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm in my mid-twenties and have always been considered unattractive... "cute" is the very best I can get. I never get hit on, or flirted with, and guys I date tell me they liked me DESPITE my looks, that my personality makes up for the fact that I'm not as hot as my or his friends.

 

I've always really struggled with my looks in regards to relationships. I know that physical attraction is one of the best things that guys look for in a partner... yeah, personality is nice, but it only goes so far. What seems to happen, over and over, is that guys deal with my bad looks cause of my nice personality, but then dump me or cheat on me whenever they find a girl who has both looks AND personality they like. OR, they only date me because they themselves are desperate... I seem to always get the guy who has been friend-zoned by everyone else, and he's still desperately in love with his best female friend but has "settled" for me.

 

In the past few months, whenever I am out in the world, or reading relationship articles, I feel consumed with jealousy and anger of attractive women. I know they might have problems as well, but at least they're beautiful, at least men want them. I also end up hating men too... I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

 

People tell me this is a very negative attitude to have but I don't know how to get over it. How do you deal in a world full of attractive people when you're not? In the case of unattractive girls, should we just accept the fact that we'll either be alone or that girl a guy "settled" for, until he dumps you and moves on?

 

 

I love the sincerity in your words (though your name could use more vowels).

 

I only clicked on this link because I wanted to read the odd outlook that has you "hating" attractive people. Indeed I could understand "envy"... but I can't figure out the "hate" part.

 

Indeed it's probably just fine to fantasize about "attractive people", while at least affording them the regard that would let you spend a glorious night, weekend, or lifetime with'em.

 

The stuff I bolded in your post is just a self-defeating attitude. It's like a game you simply can't win... and in your case it is the way you set the parameters to the game.

 

It is widely understood that less-attractive people DO evolve to develop more personality so as to create some interest in themselves... but you're going to have to at least be willing to play that card in a quest to get somebody as your long-term lover.

 

And don't forget that, for your merely being a woman, with all of the right equipment, there is going to be some amount of social interest merely for that reason.

 

I don't know how to snap my fingers and give you a checklist for how to change your attitude/outlook... but how difficult is it for you to look out there and see women who seem even less attractive than you think you are, coupled with men and seeming happy about their lives?

 

I can appreciate your underlying concern as offered in this entry, but you have personally complicated it far more than need be the case.

 

Keep striving...

[snug.bunny]

It is widely understood that less-attractive people DO evolve to develop more personality so as to create some interest in themselves....

 

Seems to me this thread just bunked the myth that "less attractive people", have "better" personalities.

 

I automatically reject a guy on a dating site I've been matched up with if he's attractive, cause I figure why waste my time, and I ultimately reject the average/ugly guys as well, because they're only interested in me because they can't get the hot girls.

Good grief.

[verhrzn]

For every non-drop-dead gorgeous woman who complains about not being drop-dead gorgeous, is a drop-dead gorgeous woman complaining that her man cheated on her with a non-drop-dead gorgeous woman.

 

Do you think you're the only person in this world who has/has had problems, despite what they do/don't look like? Average, not average, beautiful, hot, drop dead gorgeous.

 

How about being a quadriplegic?

 

Guess what, EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

 

Please forgive my harshness, hope it helped...

 

I never said only I have problems. Or that attractive people don't have problems (in fact I said so right in my very first post.) But I've never understood the attitude of "Well stop complaining about your problems, at least you're not crippled or something." So, what? No one is allowed to feel bad or sad about their life unless their problems are THE WORST THINGS EVER? If that's the case, then I missed the memo that clearly outlined: Quadroplegic > Famine Victim > Poverty...

 

I don't think I'd automatically stop having problems if I became attractive. However, if I had to choose between the sets of problems that come with being unattractive (for instance, studies show that unattractive people are less likely to be promoted, less likely to get raises, are not offered help or assistance as readily as attractive people, and are judged as being lazy/stupid/mean) and the set of problems that come with being attractive (people assume you skate by on your looks andguys hit on you! THE HORROR) I'd MUCH rather have the "pretty people" problems.

 

Why in the world does it offend you so much if I have hatred towards pretty people? I'm not outwardly mean or offensive to them... and can you really deny it sucks to be an unattractive woman?