Ask a BP\BPDer

[HarmonyInDisonance]

The title says it all. I am pretty much as crazy as a person can be while remaining stable enough to communicate, at least half the time.

 

The point of this thread is to give people a chance to simply ask a person with both bipolar and borderline personality disorder about any number of things.

 

You may be looking for answers regarding a crazy ex.

 

Or perhaps you were the victim of parents with either or both disorders.

 

Hell, maybe you just want to yell at me to feel better, and honestly I wouldn't blame some of you.

 

The point I guess is that I have been coming here for a long time, mostly lurking, but also to ask, beg, plead for help. I just thought it was about time I gave something back.

 

Things to expect

 

1. The best possible advice I can give and the support of a number of regulars that truly wish you the best.

2. There will almost certainly be some VERY pissed off people who flock to this thread, its normal and I am prepared...

3. People tend to be very divided about these issues with some polarized views. This is also perfectly understandable as the research and knowledge required to truly understand BP and BPD can be difficult to comprehend, especially when you get into neurological aspects. Even now I am not an expert and I have studied these disorders for years.

4. Answers from the bad guy. I promise I have been the ******* of the century at times. If it is a form of abuse I have likely both suffered it and dished it out.

5. Flamers... In a thread relating to BPD there will be flamers. I ask fellow BPDers especially to try to control yourselves. If you get mad and fly off the handle at someone and your are going to end up embarrassing your self. Trust me I have done this.

6. My nemesis on this forum. I have learned to really like this guy actually, but he may show up and piss a lot of you off. I'm not going to name him, but I would enjoy another chance at debate now that I have matured a little and learned to better handle my self...

 

Now, let us begin.

 

I will not be offering a fully detailed description of Bipolar (BP) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as I assume if your asking a BP\BPDer specific questions, that you have a basic idea of the criteria.

 

What is Bipolar?

 

Bipolar disorder primarily exists in to flavors.

Bipolar 1 causes a person to alternate from Depression to Mania. Usually with brief periods of normalcy during transition from one phase to the next.

Bipolar 2 causes a person to alternate from depressed to normal.

 

Bipolar is chemical in nature and thus the gradual change, as opposed to BPD.

 

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

Well for starters its pretty ****ty! BPD has mood swings similar to Bipolar, but they are much more rapid in onset and cycling. BPDers also exhibit a trait known as splitting wherein they will alternate from idolization to sheer hate! BPD is a behavioral disorder that is basically learned. People with BPD have emotional scarring left by trauma, in most causes abuse and\or abandonment. The result is as Dr. Linehan puts it is that "we have 3rd degree burns over 90% of our emotional skin". If you touch that skin we may likely return fire with brutal and overwhelming force. In essence we will kill you in desperation to save ourselves.

The issue is that a BPDer feels emotional intensity at a level a normal person will not be able to comprehend. This DOES NOT however justify our harmful actions towards others it simply means we have to work on what most people do naturally. Its like this. If a normal person gets pricked by a needle it feels like a needle. If a BPDer gets pricked by that same needle it will feel like a knife. The only difference is we are talking about emotional skin...

 

You may have noticed I provided much more detail about BPD. This is due to the fact that I believe it is grossly misunderstood by both sides of the argument. Victims of a BPDer are likely to be too angry to find any compassion for there aggressor and this is PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE. I am not asking you to forgive them, but to try to understand them. I will say this though forgiveness is good for you. If you refuse to forgive its like taking poison and hoping the other person dies it only serves to hurt and anger you more to hold onto resentment.

 

Trust me I have damaged almost every relationship in my life to point of no return. It is why I am here, I can never truly make up for the pain I caused my loved ones. They are mostly lost to me now, I can only pass their efforts to help me onto others as I wish not for their sacrifice to be fully in vane...

 

I am one who is trying his best. My wife is still with me for example (we are simply to poor to separate), but we are emotionally the patient and caregiver. Naturally this is not what she wanted for her life. I finally stopped trying to control her life and set her free. I even talked at length with my best (and only remaining) friend about the possibility of her and him getting together. Its a match made in heaven really. His ex wife has the exact same diagnosis as me, only she refuses to help herself. Despite this he loved and worshipped her. Naturally she destroyed him for it. The two of them have had this bond for about 10 years and have grown close. Despite my own deep sense of loss I am desperately encouraging her to explore the life I cheated her out of and not to swear off finding someone to love just because the first person she trusted ripped her heart out. Hell I even arranged to watch the kids under the supervision of my mother in law so she can go see on vacation in Atlanta with my friend...

 

This is easily the hardest thing I have ever done. If I can come this far so can others. Mind you I am still a novice of life and I have light years still to go yet!

 

That is all for now I guess, please try to be cordial and respectful to others as the purpose of this thread is progress not satisfaction.

[carhill]

When you split and demonize your spouse, do you find a consistent set of triggers or are they completely random?

 

As example of random, if you do, when your spouse says 'good morning honey', if you find yourself spewing venom at them for that innocent remark, can you visualize that process?

 

Do you find different cocktails of meds cumbersome and often annoying and frustrating to deal with? When you're feeling 'up', do you feel a strong impulse to go off medication?

 

I'm asking some of this due to dealing with a dx'd BP2 and suspected BPD'er for over 20 years now and her recently having majorly screwed up her meds to the point where it nearly killed her. During recovery, a marked behavior I had never seen in her was a calm gentleness, a more and palpable sincerity. However, as they've backed off the meds to gain physical health, she's getting back to the light-switch idol/demon stuff where it's hard to know 'which one' we'll get each moment or each day. Glad she's healthy and improving and a bit sad I'm back to managing the interactions like I would a psych patient.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing. Tough situation. A male friend, BP2, tended to go unmedicated for long periods and cooked himself up and died at 50. It's not an easy road.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

When you split and demonize your spouse, do you find a consistent set of triggers or are they completely random?

 

As example of random, if you do, when your spouse says 'good morning honey', if you find yourself spewing venom at them for that innocent remark, can you visualize that process?

 

Do you find different cocktails of meds cumbersome and often annoying and frustrating to deal with? When you're feeling 'up', do you feel a strong impulse to go off medication?

 

I'm asking some of this due to dealing with a dx'd BP2 and suspected BPD'er for over 20 years now and her recently having majorly screwed up her meds to the point where it nearly killed her. During recovery, a marked behavior I had never seen in her was a calm gentleness, a more and palpable sincerity. However, as they've backed off the meds to gain physical health, she's getting back to the light-switch idol/demon stuff where it's hard to know 'which one' we'll get each moment or each day. Glad she's healthy and improving and a bit sad I'm back to managing the interactions like I would a psych patient.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing. Tough situation. A male friend, BP2, tended to go unmedicated for long periods and cooked himself up and died at 50. It's not an easy road.

 

May I begin by saying I am sorry for your plight. As for your inquiry no it is not random at all, at least for me.

Not to say that there is not a random element present in the form of the BPDers current emotional level. In example, if my wife begins to force me to see the truth of a wrong I have done to her I am always inclined to rip her head off. I feel this way because when she begins these discussions I know that a world crushing wave of guilt is coming. I desperately want to evade this, although I realize it is cowardly. If I am not under too much stress and am calm at the start I will simply accept the guilt that is mine to own and let it wash over me. Mind you this feeling in my mind can be up 50 times that of the established "normal" intensity. Essentially she is completely in the right, but she is asking me to go into a very dark world where all I can ever be is worthless, a raging demon with a wanton appetite for destruction. To cast aside the false perception of myself and own my true identity. Its difficult to explain how you can love a person and them break them utterly, but the guilt you feel for it when you snap out of it is unreal. It is physically palpable in my chest for example and sometimes I can't breath and actually black out! Mind you I'm not the hero here, I love my wife. There were many in the past though that I did not love and thus never even considered their feelings. I simply crushed them and went on my way. Only after meeting my wife and children did I begin to enter a sort of chrysalis state, realizing that every one feels the exact same things, just at different times and with different intensities.

 

To summarize, the triggers remain the same and consistent, but my current stress and emotional levels will strongly influence my reaction.

She may seem random because at times she is suppressing what she probably always wants to do while at other times fully succumbing to her primal mind.

 

You will hear me say this a lot, she is still accountable for her actions and you cannot accept any blame in her condition or her actions. You can try to help her, unfortunately her success will depend largely upon her developing an enormous amount of will power.

 

Again I am not defending any hurtful actions, but asking a BPDer to suppress an intense emotion (mind you up to 50 times normal intensity) can be akin to choosing not to breath. Sure you have the ability to simply stop your breathing, but the longer you hold it in the more you burn inside until finally to simply try to save yourself you give in to the pain and breath.

 

Our emotions can cause us intense pain, but it still does not excuse us from any consequence.

 

If I am drowning and you jump in to save me I will simply climb over you to save myself. The problem is in realizing that I threw myself in. While drowning another person to save your own life is wrong as hell and selfish most of us will still do it. As a BPDer I realize that I jumped in on my own and if I must drown, so be it. It takes immense intestinal fortitude to own those kinds of decisions. Fortitude mind you that even I after years of mental training, still lack at times, hell more than I want to admit.

 

To address your second question, yes I find medication regiments cumbersome in general. It is very difficult to stay on a regimen when instability is your middle name. Think about, in order to get better and be consistently persistent, she has to do exactly what she finds most difficult, to be consistent and persistent. I have proposed before a smart phone app that would assist patients in not only reminding them when and what meds to take, but also to alert individuals on a predefined list that the patient has skipped a dose. This would allow family members and care givers the opportunity to attempt to reason with the patient while he or she is still relatively stable. Used in combination with a fit bit or similar device the results will be revolutionary I believe.

 

You also mentioned that she has Bipolar co occurring with BPD. This is unfortunate as the two disorders can mask each other, or falsely present so to speak.

There are a few hints as to what condition is causing symptoms First off, Bipolar mood swings tend to be gradual as they are the result of slow changes in brain chemistry. BPD swings can occur multiple times in a day as they are brought on by the patients misperceptions of other people intended message. Makes sense, you can be in the middle of a normal spell while your brain chemistry is temporarily within the normal range, when bam someone triggers you and you flip. Also a BPDer will typically simply accept their intense emotions as fact and construct a reality around them wherein they are always the hero, victim, good guy, and what have you.

A Bper in contrast will likely accept the facts, but them overreact to their implications.

One might say BPDers tend to always blame others, while Bpers (once they have calmed down) will blame only themselves. In Bipolar this can go the other way, especially in times of mania, and they may turn to anger and attack. The difference is that at some point a BPer is going to come down and will most likely feel bone crushing guilt. The BPDer however will likely sense that guilt coming on an instinctual level and avoid the hell out of it all together, thusly making you the bad guy so that they never have to face the pain they have caused. This will lead to the unavoidable truth that we are at least times monsters sculpted from a missmash of universally human nightmares... When the guilt finally sets in for a BPDer they may go so far as to end it all simply to "get out of the water"

 

I really rambled on as I always do, I've learned to accept it. I must attend to my own work however at this time.

 

I hope you find this helpful and that I did not miss anything, god bless I 'll check back later this evening!

[Downtown]

Welcome back again, Harmony -- computer builder and writer from rural Georgia. When we met two years ago in Strange's thread, I was so delighted to be able to discuss things with you because you are one of the most articulate and self-aware BPDers I've ever met -- and I've met and communicated with over a hundred of them.

 

The point of this thread is to give people a chance to simply ask a person with both bipolar and borderline personality disorder about any number of things.... I just thought it was about time I gave something back.

Harmony, I'm glad to see you making good on the goal you set in your 3/2/15 post -- i.e., that "I will try to help other people when I can."

I am pretty much as crazy as a person can be.

I seriously doubt that. Yet, even if it were true, your being crazy would have little or nothing to do with your BPD or BP-1. The term "crazy" means that a person has lost touch with physical reality, e.g., believing that the TV newscaster is speaking to you personally. BPDers, in contrast, have a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations (as is true for all of us whenever we experience intense feelings). They typically see physical reality just fine, however.

 

Granted, when a BPDer has such a severe mental breakdown that he slips into a psychotic state, he becomes "crazy" during that episode. Similarly, a bipolar-1 sufferer might have such a severe manic episode that he will slip into psychosis, becoming "crazy." The vast majority of BPDers and bipolar sufferers, however, are high functioning and typically never become psychotic. Moreover, the low-functioning folks who do become psychotic typically do so only on rare occasion. Further, even the normal, healthy folks are at risk of becoming psychotic when placed under enormous stress or subject to strong changes in hormones.

 

Answers from the bad guy. I promise I have been the ******* of the century at times.

You have described behaviors that at times are very bad indeed -- e.g., when you threw that book at your W's head. Yet, to avoid the black-white thinking we all are prone to do when experiencing intense feelings, I try to avoid characterizing individuals as "bad" (black) or "good" (white). Everyone has both good and bad aspects to their personalities. My experience, then, is that BPDers and bipolar sufferers generally are not bad people.

 

Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, "unstable." They are emotionally unstable like very young children are. And, like the children, BPDers and BPers should be allowed to suffer (within reason) the logical consequences of their own bad behavior. Otherwise, they have no incentive to acquire the emotional skills that are lacking.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Downtown

[Timshel]

Thank you for sharing your experience Harmony {as a forensic psych my analysis is strictly to advise the court in criminal cases.}

 

Nothing to do with you but your detail is precise and candid and beyond what I am able to articulate within professional/ethical boundaries.

I come on LS to let my hair down......

 

Thanks for sharing your very personal experience.......it will certainly be very helpful to any person(s) reading your thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

When you split and demonize your spouse, do you find a consistent set of triggers or are they completely random?

 

As example of random, if you do, when your spouse says 'good morning honey', if you find yourself spewing venom at them for that innocent remark, can you visualize that process?

 

Do you find different cocktails of meds cumbersome and often annoying and frustrating to deal with? When you're feeling 'up', do you feel a strong impulse to go off medication?

 

I'm asking some of this due to dealing with a dx'd BP2 and suspected BPD'er for over 20 years now and her recently having majorly screwed up her meds to the point where it nearly killed her. During recovery, a marked behavior I had never seen in her was a calm gentleness, a more and palpable sincerity. However, as they've backed off the meds to gain physical health, she's getting back to the light-switch idol/demon stuff where it's hard to know 'which one' we'll get each moment or each day. Glad she's healthy and improving and a bit sad I'm back to managing the interactions like I would a psych patient.

 

Anyway, thanks for sharing. Tough situation. A male friend, BP2, tended to go unmedicated for long periods and cooked himself up and died at 50. It's not an easy road.

 

As another BPD sufferer I hope you don't mind me chiming in.

 

I do not have Bipolar etc. But have been treated for BPD, later re-evaluated and then told I no longer have enough of the traits to be considered BPD. (Thank you treatment)

 

I cannot answer to the meds, as I do not take any currently and have only been prescribed Dexedrine for ADD-like symptoms (focus etc). For a brief period I was given Wellbutrin to deal with a low-grade depression, but that seemed to turn me into a raging lunatic. So I had to stop it after less than six weeks.

 

Demonizing spouse: prior to treatment, I did see him (and previous relationships) as being somehow able to "take it" from me. As in, if I did something awful or brought them to tears, it was "okay" because they should be able to see I was "distressed." But if they did something to distress me it was because they were truly, awful as Hell people that had no care or consideration for me and deserved whatever they got. Not rational.

 

As for whether the triggers were "set" or "random" is almost abstract. You see, to the one in active BPD, the triggers are perfectly logical and rational. In fact "how can you not see this would trigger me?"

 

It could be something as simple as hearing a "tone" or seeing an "expression" that isn't necessarily even present. Because if I feel it is, than it MUST BE. It is hard to really articulate beyond that. Emotions fly around constantly and define reality. So if I am feeling sad, this means something sad happened. If I am happy in your presence, it must be because you are wonderful, magical, amazing in every aspect. Until you aren't. And since my frontal lobes are out of sync (and I don't know it until I have EMDR therapy) I cannot see you as any more than these two points. You are an animal viciously attacking me and wounding me or you are my Savior making me feel so special because you are so amazing, nothing could ever come between us. And because I am BPD with a massive abandonment trigger, I can't stand you leaving either way.....

 

Now, post-treatment, I have a tendency to take things more personally than the average person..

For instance tonight, husband says to me "I don't know why people drink from two straws at once, it only gives you a bunch of air bubbles." As I was drinking from two straws.... It hit me weird. Not as bad as the old days, but I heard that sting of "I'm being attacked." He saw it too. He said right after, "I wasn't aiming at you but I just don't understand the two straws thing, it was just something to say." I said "I know. I do." It was odd because I haven't had a "hit by the pitch moment" in awhile.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Well hello there Downtown and DreamingofTigers.

 

@Downtown Don't worry too much about those statements about me being crazy. I mean it more in the generally accepted sense that I think people typically associate with my odd behaviors. And by the "Bad guy" I pretty much mean the un-justified aggressor that so many of us become when splitting.

 

I was just trying to use language most laymen would identify with.

 

@ DreamingofTigers I don't mind if you chime in at all. I understand the straw thing.

 

Something as little as the comment your husband made could set you off. It is especially likely if a few misperceived slights are detected before hand. You feel this rush of emotion and just go with it.

 

This is where we BPDers have to learn a nifty little trick called hyper-rationalization. I've mentioned this before, but it is like an emergency protocol for your brain.

 

Basically it goes something like this...

 

My wife says to me, "I dunno why you won't cut that hair. You look better with it short".

Freeze

This is where it gets weird for you see I perceive this as, "She isn't happy with me the way I am. She wants to CHANGE me. She doesn't think I am good enough!"

 

In reality however my wife is thinking "damn I wish he would cut that hair so he would look like he used to, when we where younger. Then I could see that pretty face and... oh **** what is that look on his face?"

 

See what is happening here, there is a way around it called hyper-rationalization. You see what I do these days is invoke a thought process that involves no emotion whatsoever only logic. I do this typically the second I feel any sudden rush of emotional intensity. Given my past nature, it is pretty easy for me to shut all emotion down completely. Mind you I cannot regulate emotion well, but I can terminate them altogether for at least a brief period of time. Ironically I learned this originally to deaden the pain of hurting the people abusing me when I was very young. I would get beat and flip out and end up turning my attacker into hamburger meat. First it was to stop the guilt of hurting them after they hurt me. Later it evolved into a preemptive practice that would allow me to deaden myself before the physical attack came. Thusly allowing me to strike first without holding anything back.

 

By realizing that this sudden intensity is present we are alerted to the possibility of losing control and thusly know to defer, if only for a moment, to hyper-rationalization. It gives us a moment to put the logic first and then see if probability and common sense jibe with this current emotion.

 

Now lets see how this could have gone.

 

My wife says to me, "I dunno why you won't cut that hair. You look better with it short".

 

And I start thinking the crazy stuff I mentioned above, but then realizing that my level of intensity is skyrocketing I simply cut the cord and think for a damn minute. While thinking logically I would have come to this conclusion. "She just prefers my hair shorter, I don't want to cut it though, and I know it won't ultimately change how she feels about me after 10 years of life together. Although if I do cut it I will likely receive mind blowing sex later as I know she finds me much more attractive that way."

 

When done successfully you will see the comment differently and thus your emotions will be different when you bring them back online. If nothing else just stop feeling for a second and think with ONLY logic. I realize this sounds hard, it is, but it gets easier.

 

I did not exactly come up with this outta the blue. My wife and I had this fight for real. The crazy thing is I was too immature and she had to explain all of that to me. I did decide to cut my hair that day, it certainly did result in mind blowing sex, and as a bonus my fourth son would come into the world nine months later!

 

If it was not for her innate (and incredible) ability to read me and work out my twisted logic, I would have gone even farther before I calmed down. I can understand what I do, logic is logic. How she is able to switch logic off and preempt my messed up though processes I will never fully understand.

 

Now days when somebody makes a comment that immediately causes any intense reaction I cut the cord immediately and start processing based off of raw logic alone.

 

I sure do love my wife btw and owe her absolutely everything. Just ask a few people who know what ten years with someone like me is like on a person. She sacrificed herself for far to long. Our relationship in romantic terms is beyond repair, but I still love her that way. I have to let it pass through me as she will never feel that way again.

 

Life is cordial between us at least. We even laugh together still and talk about theology or science or whatever for hours. We work together well as long as I am staying under control.

 

I know the next crash is coming though. I also know that when it comes it will smash me down. I also know that I will get up, dust my busted arse off and keep going until I get it right.

 

I cannot get back what I destroyed, but does that make any good I do now any less valuable? It does not, so I will simply help others when I can.

 

Goodnight guys.

Edited February 26, 2016 by HarmonyInDisonance

[Downtown]

There is a way around it called hyper-rationalization. You see what I do these days is invoke a thought process that involves no emotion whatsoever only logic.

Harmony, what you call "hyper-rationalization" is often referred to as "intellectually challenging an intense feeling." Of course, the feeling itself is very real. Yet, as you explain, we don't have to accept it as a self-evident truth. We have the option of allowing the logical part of our minds to challenge whether that feeling accurately reflects reality.

[Summer3]

I may or may not have or had BPD. I do have depression and anxiety and have discussed the BPD diagnosis with my psychiatrist. I think I'm a "quiet borderline." My behavior shows little impulsivity; I appear stable.

 

My mind is filled with borderline thoughts that are hard to live with. I did have therapy but I tend to get more "regulated" using Eastern methods.

 

I came across this article and it explains the cause of my BPD. If anyone is searching for answers it might explain yours as well:

 

Men and women with BPD or NPD became this way over time. Often it is the consequence of a parental or other authority figure mistreating them and teaching them distorted lessons about what to expect from people and the world overall. In lay terms, one or more persons in a position of authority and close proximity seriously messed with these individuals' minds. I have found that individuals with narcissistic and borderline personality typically require years of therapy to undo the distorted programming instilled many years ago.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201601/the-price-loving-someone-narcissistic-or-borderline

Edited February 29, 2016 by Summer3

[Summer3]

For anyone who has BPD or just trouble regulating emotions I found a youtube video thats quite good:

 

[Emilia]

Hi Harmony, good to see you again. I was wondering from time to time how you were getting on.

 

I don't have any questions for the moment but will keep an eye on the thread.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Hi Harmony, good to see you again. I was wondering from time to time how you were getting on.

 

I don't have any questions for the moment but will keep an eye on the thread.

 

Hi there, yep I survived, I refuse to become another statistic. The tough part is now, when the power and endurance of mania fade, and I am left to sort out the next phase.

 

I'll be okay this time around I think. Believe it or not I am drug free and managing my symptoms. It is hard and takes a great deal of mental energy at times, but I think I am finally winning my battle. I just have to stay away from the clouds and focus on each day at a time.

 

And coffee..... lots and lots of coffee

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I may or may not have or had BPD. I do have depression and anxiety and have discussed the BPD diagnosis with my psychiatrist. I think I'm a "quiet borderline." My behavior shows little impulsivity; I appear stable.

 

My mind is filled with borderline thoughts that are hard to live with. I did have therapy but I tend to get more "regulated" using Eastern methods.

 

I came across this article and it explains the cause of my BPD. If anyone is searching for answers it might explain yours as well:

 

 

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201601/the-price-loving-someone-narcissistic-or-borderline

 

First of all hello and welcome to my thread.

 

If your psychiatrist believes your are Border Line it is odd that he should be so straight forward. Many BPD sufferers are very uhmmm resistant to this (or any) diagnosis.

 

I think when it comes down to it a great deal of Borderline Personality Disorder involves misperception.

 

Do people often see things totally different than you during periods of intense emotion?

Do you ever find yourself completely overreacting to any threat to your ego?

(I sure the hell do)

Does the idea of being abandoned instantly paralyze you?

What comes first in your mind? Emotion or reason?

(For me its almost always emotion first, then facts flood in to support them.)

Do your emotions seem much more intense than other peoples?

Do you often find you seem to alternate between loving someone close and demonizing them?

 

If you do turn out to have BPD I would suggest you simply steel yourself... The good news is that it is curable in a sense because the cure relies solely upon your efforts. There are some medications, but for pure BPD many are useless. Mental training is a must.

 

In order to function in life as a BPD we are up against a stiff challenge.

 

At any rate, I don't have much to go one here, but if you believe you have BPD you are starting in a good place.

 

Just remember other people and how they feel. Most people are not going to be aware that your emotions can be many orders of magnitude more intense than a normal persons. Many people are simply going to refuse to believe it. They do this because they are emotionally lazy and prefer to continue being right, continue being better than you based entirely off their own virtue, and continue not having to help a villain for is it not better to blame?...

 

Sorry, but that is how it is... The world does not give two ****s or one damn about our past lives. In fact, the entire word seems to be coming down with BPD these days.

 

The point is we have excuses for our actions, but those excuses disappear the moment we become aware of what's going on inside us.

 

We CAN BE OKAY, we just have to burn way more calories in our brains to do so!

 

Good luck and feel free to get back with more detail.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Also What Eastern methods? I am a big fan of meditation and visualization techniques and have invented my own methods.

 

Also I still enjoy a bit of "Middle Eastern" regulation every evening.

 

Well not every evening. During depression (which is setting in) I don't need it as I am already quite tired and calm.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Harmony, what you call "hyper-rationalization" is often referred to as "intellectually challenging an intense feeling." Of course, the feeling itself is very real. Yet, as you explain, we don't have to accept it as a self-evident truth. We have the option of allowing the logical part of our minds to challenge whether that feeling accurately reflects reality.

 

You nail it as usual.

 

That primal self can be rather loud though. Its akin to walking around with a tiger by the collar. Your in control and he knows it. The tiger is ever vigilant however and will never forget the taste of freedom. He can smell weakness and the first time your hand goes even a little slack... BAM he wrenches at you with renewed vigor.

 

Its entirely possible to control, but one must be vigilant.

 

I move from one cycle to the next now as I always have. The difference is that I am letting things pass through me without resistance. Seeing things as only data when emotions run too high to manage. I allow the anger, or loss, or sadness, or whatever, to simply pass through me...

 

And sometimes, just sometimes, I forget about my tiger.

Rascally bastard!

 

Welp, off to start my day, peace and goodwill yall!

[Summer3]

First of all hello and welcome to my thread.

 

If your psychiatrist believes your are Border Line it is odd that he should be so straight forward. Many BPD sufferers are very uhmmm resistant to this (or any) diagnosis.

 

 

I'm a strange situation. I feel I'm Borderline but my psychiatrist disagrees. I've been studying BPD for years and am bit of an expert on the subject.

 

I wanted him to give me the diagnosis for self-validation purposes. But he doesn't see the acting out behavior because I don't act out. I'm too practical to do anything irrational.

 

Like I said...I'm a strange situation.

[Summer3]

Also What Eastern methods? I am a big fan of meditation and visualization techniques and have invented my own methods.

 

Also I still enjoy a bit of "Middle Eastern" regulation every evening.

 

Well not every evening. During depression (which is setting in) I don't need it as I am already quite tired and calm.

 

Here are links that might help you:

 

https://www.tarabrach.com

 

Guided Meditation Audio - Listen for free

 

Also, read or listen to "The Power of Now" by Eckart Tolle.

[ChickiePops]

This thread made me cry.

 

My ex fiancé is BPD and refuses to see a therapist as he claims he's been told by multiple therapists that he doesn't need it. He's on several different anti depressants and anti-anxiety mess, the dosages of which he manages himself (they are prescribed by more than one doctor).

 

I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone else in the world, and I don't think I will fall in love again. We're still friends..in fact we still behave like a couple sometimes (though he no longer has a sex drive because of the meds). I even went home with him for Christmas because I don't speak to my own family. I had a very damaging childhood with a severely mentally ill mother who, because of her mental illness, was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. So I am used to mentally damages people.

 

I'm not in love with my ex anymore but I love him, if that makes sense. I guess he's filling a hole because there isn't anyone else and I'm lonely. I miss the old him, and I miss our relationship though, even after the hell he put me through.

 

I guess I don't have a question. I'm just very sad and I have no one to talk to.

 

Thanks for starting this thread.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

This thread made me cry.

 

My ex fiancé is BPD and refuses to see a therapist as he claims he's been told by multiple therapists that he doesn't need it. He's on several different anti depressants and anti-anxiety mess, the dosages of which he manages himself (they are prescribed by more than one doctor).

 

I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone else in the world, and I don't think I will fall in love again. We're still friends..in fact we still behave like a couple sometimes (though he no longer has a sex drive because of the meds). I even went home with him for Christmas because I don't speak to my own family. I had a very damaging childhood with a severely mentally ill mother who, because of her mental illness, was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. So I am used to mentally damages people.

 

I'm not in love with my ex anymore but I love him, if that makes sense. I guess he's filling a hole because there isn't anyone else and I'm lonely. I miss the old him, and I miss our relationship though, even after the hell he put me through.

 

I guess I don't have a question. I'm just very sad and I have no one to talk to.

 

Thanks for starting this thread.

 

Wow, I am sorry to hear that. Despite my vast experience in this exact sort of thing, sometimes even I can think of little that's helpful.

 

I certainly understand however. I know the full well the effects that living with a poorly or unregulated BPDer can have.

 

I wish I could speak with your ex in person, although I often feel this way. I also often cling to the belief that a perfect line of logic and reasoning will reach anyone, I have been wrong there however.

 

There is a slim chance that we can just get him warmed up to the idea that he is not at falt for his problems, but is responsible for his actions. When I realized there really was a sort of monster living in me I started taking steps to deal with the bastard. He is not deficient because of this diagnosis, he needs to believe that. If he can understand that, maybe he can understand that the struggle it takes to protect the world from our inner demons IS noble and it IS worthy.

 

Trust me, I went from how I was three years ago, (search "borderline personality disorder here in the forums" for a taste) to stable enough to stay on as the teacher/househusband/firewoodcutter/mechanic/you get the idea, whilst allowing her to pursue other adult relationships. That includes a new lover if she chooses.

 

I hold out hope that she will come back to me, but I thoroughly destroyed her heart. I definitely understand how you feel about still loving him, but in a different way. My wife likely feels this way about me.

 

The sex drive part sucks. It may also be an unnecessary casualty as if he is pure BPD he really would benefit more from, DBT, MRT, Mindfullness, and a variety of other forms of therapy and mental discipline.

 

A hard road, but I will have to come back later my kids are screaming at each other...

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I'm a strange situation. I feel I'm Borderline but my psychiatrist disagrees. I've been studying BPD for years and am bit of an expert on the subject.

 

I wanted him to give me the diagnosis for self-validation purposes. But he doesn't see the acting out behavior because I don't act out. I'm too practical to do anything irrational.

 

Like I said...I'm a strange situation.

 

Hmmm, I must say it is rather fascinating to me that you are so sure of the diagnosis, but manage to be considered practical. Practicality is nigh impossible for me as I spend so much energy simply fighting myself, I am often left a tired mess.

 

How have you managed to hold it all down? I get that many techniques are available, but having the wherewithal to invoke them every time without fail is quite remarkable... I still slip often and my wife has to remind me to think. I instantly calm down when reminded, but sometimes those feelings come on too fast, and when I am alone. I swear sometimes I feel like my mind is splitting into two people, one rather serious parent and a crazy teen...

 

Well hats off to you at any rate, I need to focus and get my butt back to work.

[ChickiePops]

Wow, I am sorry to hear that. Despite my vast experience in this exact sort of thing, sometimes even I can think of little that's helpful.

 

I certainly understand however. I know the full well the effects that living with a poorly or unregulated BPDer can have.

 

I wish I could speak with your ex in person, although I often feel this way. I also often cling to the belief that a perfect line of logic and reasoning will reach anyone, I have been wrong there however.

 

There is a slim chance that we can just get him warmed up to the idea that he is not at falt for his problems, but is responsible for his actions. When I realized there really was a sort of monster living in me I started taking steps to deal with the bastard. He is not deficient because of this diagnosis, he needs to believe that. If he can understand that, maybe he can understand that the struggle it takes to protect the world from our inner demons IS noble and it IS worthy.

 

Trust me, I went from how I was three years ago, (search "borderline personality disorder here in the forums" for a taste) to stable enough to stay on as the teacher/househusband/firewoodcutter/mechanic/you get the idea, whilst allowing her to pursue other adult relationships. That includes a new lover if she chooses.

 

I hold out hope that she will come back to me, but I thoroughly destroyed her heart. I definitely understand how you feel about still loving him, but in a different way. My wife likely feels this way about me.

 

The sex drive part sucks. It may also be an unnecessary casualty as if he is pure BPD he really would benefit more from, DBT, MRT, Mindfullness, and a variety of other forms of therapy and mental discipline.

 

A hard road, but I will have to come back later my kids are screaming at each other...

 

He won't acknowledge the diagnosis at all. He doesn't believe in psychology but he will take the medication that makes him feel better. He just doesn't want to put the work in. It's horrible.

 

He thinks he's just a loner. I miss our relationship and I fully believe that I will never have the life I want. I want marriage and children but I don't believe I will ever meet anyone else I love. I'm in my mid 30s so it's probably too late anyway.

[Summer3]

Hmmm, I must say it is rather fascinating to me that you are so sure of the diagnosis, but manage to be considered practical. Practicality is nigh impossible for me as I spend so much energy simply fighting myself, I am often left a tired mess.

 

How have you managed to hold it all down? I get that many techniques are available, but having the wherewithal to invoke them every time without fail is quite remarkable... I still slip often and my wife has to remind me to think. I instantly calm down when reminded, but sometimes those feelings come on too fast, and when I am alone. I swear sometimes I feel like my mind is splitting into two people, one rather serious parent and a crazy teen...

 

Well hats off to you at any rate, I need to focus and get my butt back to work.

 

I couldn't do it without medication. It's said that there isn't meds for BPD but I'm not so sure. My anti-anxiety & and SSRI combined help calm down my mind:

 

 

1. Less intrusive thoughts.

2. Emotional response dampened so I CAN regulate them.

3. Depression doesn't get too bad and doesn't last.

 

I combine that with an excellent diet, exercise, meditation and keep away from toxic people.

 

If I stop doing just one part of my self-created "treatment plan" I'll get bad.

 

Self-care is important. I tried doing it without meds and failed miserably.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

He won't acknowledge the diagnosis at all. He doesn't believe in psychology but he will take the medication that makes him feel better. He just doesn't want to put the work in. It's horrible.

 

He thinks he's just a loner. I miss our relationship and I fully believe that I will never have the life I want. I want marriage and children but I don't believe I will ever meet anyone else I love. I'm in my mid 30s so it's probably too late anyway.

 

I started out with a similar set of views myself a long time ago. The journey to now is something that I honestly believe could only have been orchestrated by a wise and understanding God. If any of the elements of my life had been a little different I do not know if I would have arrived here.

 

If it's not your thing I understand, but if you are not opposed to it praying can help. I believe in a God who believes in me. He left me to make my own choices, but I always went the other way. He patiently left the way open for me every time and tried to coax me over. It took a long time for me to see a pattern in the chaos.

 

I realize that I've strayed a bit from purely academic minded solutions, but again, I believe. I cannot convince him and neither can you, but if God convinced me that his way was best he can convince him too. Any parent will tell you that when your child desperately needs something, they will move almost any mountain to obtain it. God feels the same. So implore him to work on your ex with all his wisdom and a universe of tools at his disposal.

 

Above all else! Be safe. You cannot save everyone. Trust me, a thousand thoughts are behind those words, sometimes you can't even save one...

 

Do not give up on yourself though. We all have souls that are made to intertwine. There is another out there whose soul can meld with your own. You'll never find that someone though if you are not looking.

 

A cube can be a square if your just looking for a square. By simply changing our perspective a little we see a new depth to the picture. I have encouraged my wife to find love and I suggest you do as well... When you are healthy and ready.

 

Just do me a favor okay, do not be a sacrificial lamb, your ex is described as having some very dangerous traits. My parents taught me that mental health disorders were 99 percent BS. I believed this even after years of being consumed by my illnesses.

 

I am worried for you as you seem very depleted. That and I know full well what one of "us" can do to a person.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I couldn't do it without medication. It's said that there isn't meds for BPD but I'm not so sure. My anti-anxiety & and SSRI combined help calm down my mind:

 

 

1. Less intrusive thoughts.

2. Emotional response dampened so I CAN regulate them.

3. Depression doesn't get too bad and doesn't last.

 

I combine that with an excellent diet, exercise, meditation and keep away from toxic people.

 

If I stop doing just one part of my self-created "treatment plan" I'll get bad.

 

Self-care is important. I tried doing it without meds and failed miserably.

 

I am really struggling with the physical side of it myself. I hurt really bad a lot of the time. I was very active for a while there, but then stopped taking narcotic pain killers. Switched to ibuprofen and developed a bleeding ulcer, now I cannot take anything for pain, EXCEPT narcotics... I was getting over the hurdle of pain to start seeing results, but lost steam when the pain came flooding back in. I need to exercise, but it is hard when walking across the house hurts like hell most days.

 

That is where I am stuck. I am going to get some new type of injections in my joints and hopefully then I can start out on a bike or something.

 

I realize that physical health is very important to mental health, but I am having a hell of a time doing something about it.

 

You seem to know a thing or two, any ideas for natural pain killers that actually work for moderate to severe pain?

[JustGettingBy]

My question:

 

What advice would you have for anyone hoping to maintain a close relationship (friendly, professional, familial or romantic) with someone with BPD?