Religious people: Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity?

[FredRutherford]

Religious people:

Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity if you lost it outside of engagement/ marriage?

 

If so, how did you deal with the guilt?

 

Understand it's a touchy subject, but am curious how you may have "dealt" with the loss of innocence.....

[123321]

So it's now OK to fornicate if you're engaged? Interesting.

[FredRutherford]

So it's now OK to fornicate if you're engaged? Interesting.

 

No, am not saying it's "okay." I'm not God nor the judge here.

 

Many Christians think sex is okay once you get engaged. They are planning on getting married, after all, and it's certainly understandable when two people are engaged -- or if you're in a long-term committed relationship, like I was in my 30s... YMMV....

 

It seems many Christians have sex outside of marriage and many have regrets.

As this is the religion and spirituality section, seems like an appropriate question.

Am not condoning anything here nor throwing rocks at anyone who had sex before marriage.

 

Full disclosure:

Had sex in HS (a couple of times) with HS GF before became of faith the next year in college.

"Fell" to 2 "opportunities" that presented themselves during a particularly lonely time in my life @25 after having very few dates through most of my 20s -- or hand-holding, kissing or hugging !!! --- but turned-down some other casual sex incidents shortly after that as casual sex leaves you feeling worse than before...

 

I had to deal with the guilt, which was real, too, so am curious how others dealt with it.

[carhill]

Religious people:

Did you feel any guilt when you lost your virginity if you lost it outside of engagement/ marriage?

 

If so, how did you deal with the guilt?

 

I won't go as far as 'religious', but my religious background and spirituality were definite influences regarding remaining a virgin as late as I did.

 

Did I feel any guilt from making love through intercourse prior to marriage? No, not really. By my mid-30's I had resolved that issue and accepted the results of the choice of not waiting. That said, the perspective of being careful in the realm of sexual relations is still influenced by that background, as well as by the actual experiences of LTRs and marriage. It's a 'style'. Not for everyone, to be sure.

[123321]

No, am not saying it's "okay." I'm not God nor the judge here.

 

Many Christians think sex is okay once you get engaged. They are planning ....

 

Since "Christians" purportedly believe the Bible is the word of God Almighty, why would it matter what they think? Shouldn't the word of God as contained in the Bible be the authority?

 

If they want to go by what they "think" is OK, why would they feel guilt?

[FredRutherford]

Since "Christians" purportedly believe the Bible is the word of God Almighty, why would it matter what they think? Shouldn't the word of God as contained in the Bible be the authority?

 

If they want to go by what they "think" is OK, why would they feel guilt?

 

 

It sounds like you're a Christian, which is great.

Yes, most Christians try to follow the word of God on these kinds of things.

But like others have posted here on LS, Christians aren't perfect and make mistakes, like have sex before marriage, have sex with someone else when married, get pregnant, get addicted to alcohol and pornography, get divorces and fall to all matter of wrongdoings or sins, like everyone else.

 

 

If they want to go by what they "think" is OK, why would they feel guilt?

 

Because in their hearts, they know what they're doing is wrong, like I did when I used to regularly view porn (to excess for a couple of months).

But thanks to some good Christian women here on LS, and some prayer, I kicked that nasty habit and have been free of it for nearly 2 years.

 

A "Christian" wife who REGULARLY withholds sex from me drove me to intensifying my viewing, but that's merely an excuse and it was all on me. I know I did wrong with porn and try to discourage other men from abusing it.

Yes, am trying to change that sexless situation and things are improving.

I tell her there's nothing wrong about married Christians having sex, it's blessed by God, even our earlier sex.... But this is much more difficult a problem to solve than the porn issue...

Edited April 4, 2012 by FredRutherford

[123321]

It sounds like you're a Christian, which is great.

Yes, most Christians try to follow the word of God on these kinds of things.

But like others have posted here on LS, Christians aren't perfect and make mistakes ...

 

Fine, but how is it a mistake to think that sex outside marriage (AKA fornication) is OK "if you're engaged"? That's not a mistake, that's making excuses for sinning, if one is a Christian it's actually apostasy to do so. If one believes the Bible is the word of god Almighty, well then fine, and no, no one can live up to those standards that I know, however to make up ones own standards and still claim to be Christian is silly.

[somedude81]

I'm Christian, raised in the church and all that.

 

IMO, if God wanted me to wait until marriage, he would have had me meet someone and marry her by now. Expecting me to hold of on sex until then is ridiculous.

[123321]

I'm Christian, raised in the church and all that.

 

IMO, if God wanted me to wait until marriage, he would have had me meet someone and marry her by now. Expecting me to hold of on sex until then is ridiculous.

 

I was religious and I waited, as my beliefs dictated. I don't understand how someone can pretend to believe something they invented themselves, as the word of God. Either it is, and it's taken as such, or it's not.

 

Anything else is self deceptive.

[somedude81]

I'm 30 f-ing years old.

 

How long did God expect me to wait?

[Dust]

I believe in sex before engagement/mariage stronger then most religious people believe in waiting.

[FredRutherford]

Fine, but how is it a mistake to think that sex outside marriage (AKA fornication) is OK "if you're engaged"? That's not a mistake, that's making excuses for sinning, if one is a Christian it's actually apostasy to do so. If one believes the Bible is the word of god Almighty, well then fine, and no, no one can live up to those standards that I know, however to make up ones own standards and still claim to be Christian is silly.

 

123,

Take a look at some of the comments at the end of this blog.

More Than Fine: Premarital Sex: Where Christians Get It Wrong

Note the post by the Christian woman teaching at her church and is involved in all sorts of religious activities by day, but look at the sex she has with her non-Christian BF....

 

There are similar stories. That's what I'm talking about.

Premarital sex is a big problem and not something so easily dismissed.

 

Why are you arguing about this, 123321?

Didn't create this post to start arguments.

More about contrition.

 

Have seen some of your posts. You're a solid guy. And we've interacted in other threads, so I don't get the combativeness here.

Edited April 4, 2012 by FredRutherford

[FredRutherford]

I was religious and I waited, as my beliefs dictated. I don't understand how someone can pretend to believe something they invented themselves, as the word of God. Either it is, and it's taken as such, or it's not.

 

Anything else is self deceptive.

 

So you're a virgin? You're sexually responsible in your dating?

That's great and I admire you for it.

I see you have nothing to "repent" of. But many do.

[123321]

So you're a virgin? You're sexually responsible in your dating?

That's great and I admire you for it.

I see you have nothing to "repent" of. But many do.

 

I was until I was married. I'm now divorced, and you could say my views have softened. However, if someone says they are Christian, there are standards that have to be lived up to, if not, they are not.

[Lobouspo]

I was until I was married. I'm now divorced, and you could say my views have softened. However, if someone says they are Christian, there are standards that have to be lived up to, if not, they are not.

 

Well you have been divorced. Interesting how judgemental you come across, given Christ's strict admonishment on that topic.

[123321]

Well you have been divorced. Interesting how judgemental you come across, given Christ's strict admonishment on that topic.

 

I'm not calling my life now a Christian one either.

 

As for divorce, it's the remarriage that's really the Biblical issue. Amazing how ignorant a lot of "Christians" are about one of the primary defining things in their life.

[Lobouspo]

I'm not calling my life now a Christian one either.

 

As for divorce, it's the remarriage that's really the Biblical issue. Amazing how ignorant a lot of "Christians" are about one of the primary defining things in their life.

 

Malachi 2:16 "I HATE DIVORCE says the Lord God of Israel, and covering one's garment with injustice, says the Lord of hosts"......Funny how people who think they know Chistianity are ignorant of it:p

[TaraMaiden]

That's why I'm not a Christian any more. Because i believe the greater proportion of the New Testament to be man-made doctrine, not the word of God.

All the directive 'shalts' and 'shalt nots' were implemented in an attempt to cut down on adultery, children born out of wedlock, and to protect health and sound lineage for inheritance.

They had nothing to do with morals - although of course, by literally putting the fear of God into the minds of a gullible and illiterate congregation, control could be exercised in a much more thorough and terrifying way.

Churches are now feeling the pinch and congregation numbers are falling./

why?

Because people are more savvy, they do more research, they can question, criticise and bring matters to account, because they are literate and can think for themselves.

The threats of divine retribution and fire and brimstone, have largely been displaced by the love of the good shepherd and a wise, kindly and forgiving God - but there is still the wand of fear and guilt floating above peoples' heads, in matters of carnal pleasure...

 

It's a pile of crock.

Remember what C.S.Lewis said;

 

You don't have a soul.

You ARE a soul...

You have a body.

 

Enjoy your body - and put your life and soul into it.

[KathyM]

The entire Bible is the inspired word of God--not just parts of it. The New Testament was written mainly by Christ's diciples and is also inspired by God. As far as divorce, the Bible is very clear that God hates divorce. He hates adultery. He also expects people to remain pure until marriage. With that said, Christians are not saints. They are sinners. We have all fallen short. The fact that we are sinners does not mean that we are not Christians. Christians are defined as followers of Christ. We are expected to obey God's laws, but God knows that we are not perfect, and we fail on a regular basis. But, as Christians, we are expected to strive towards purity in mind and body. As Christians we are not supposed to pick and choose the comandments we want to follow and discard the rest. We are expected to follow all of them. But God knows we will fall short of that at times, because we are weak. To say that people are not Christians because they are sinners is false. All Christians are sinners. But to purposely reject God's laws as being inapplicable, and to pick and choose what you want to believe or to practice from God's laws is not following God's will.

[123321]

Malachi 2:16 "I HATE DIVORCE says the Lord God of Israel, and covering one's garment with injustice, says the Lord of hosts"......Funny how people who think they know Chistianity are ignorant of it:p

 

Look at the context. It's about infidelity.

[TaraMaiden]

The entire Bible is the inspired word of God--not just parts of it. ....... But to purposely reject God's laws as being inapplicable, and to pick and choose what you want to believe or to practice from God's laws is not following God's will.

 

This is neither the time nor the place - but suffice to say i am as convinced as you are in your way, that this is complete, total and utter rubbish.

[FredRutherford]

I'm not calling my life now a Christian one either.

 

 

123,

If you're a believer and generally following Christian doctrine, and trying to live your life like that to the best of your abilities, you could call that "Christian."

You don't have to be "perfect."

 

Originally Posted by Lobouspo

Malachi 2:16 "I HATE DIVORCE says the Lord God of Israel, and covering one's garment with injustice, says the Lord of hosts"......Funny how people who think they know Chistianity are ignorant of it:p

 

 

As for divorce, it's the remarriage that's really the Biblical issue. Amazing how ignorant a lot of "Christians" are about one of the primary defining things in their life.

 

Being divorced or not being divorced, just like being a virgin or non-virgin, that doesn't define your salvation.

I don't recall Jesus ever telling anyone he met (the prostitute, woman at the well, etc.) that they "needed to do this or do that" before he accepted them...

It just says God hates divorce, much like he dislikes many other sins or wrongdoings.

 

This coming from someone who grew-up in a divorced home... so trust me, am not keen on divorce and wouldn't ever plan to get one....

[Flesh Eating Virus]

So it's now OK to fornicate if you're engaged? Interesting.

 

The historically accurate answer to that question would be "ever since the year 1105." Because, you see, for all the importance it places on marriage, the Bible is mysteriously silent on how a marriage is actually to be performed, or what constitutes a marriage. The early church had a difficult time defining it itself, since only kings and princes would actually get formally married in a church with a priest, etc. The plebeian tradition was simply for the parents involved to come to some arrangement, frequently without the consent of the to-be-blissfully-wedded couple.

 

This caused a problem for the church, obviously, because they needed to be able to decide who was married and who was not--- they needed a legal definition to guide them which the bible lacks. They could not require marriage in a church, since no commoner would go to that expense, and it was contrary to the traditions of the time, which left it up to the families to decide when marriage had happened. Christ's words also imply that marriage is a choice that an individual makes, not a family, and so they needed a way to require the consent of the couple.

 

The problem was finally addressed by Pope Alexander III in 1105, who decreed that any couple who exchanged "words of consent" and had sex afterwards was married in the eyes of God. The precedent set by this decree remained in force for centuries, well into the Victorian Era. And this was by no means a merely formalistic matter--- this definition of marriage was central to major historical events, such as King Henry's dissolution of marriage to Catherine Howard, which would have easily been accomplished without her beheading had she been willing to admit that a "precontract" had existed between her and her lover, which would have made her married before she purported to marry Henry, making that royal marriage void from the start.

 

So... in the earliest Christian days, marriage was arranged, the arrangement made between the parents and families without needing to consult the married couple. Marriage legally became a contract between the couple with this decree of Pope Alexander, which is more like what we would consider to be a valid marriage today. And that decree was that marriage consisted of the couple consenting to marry each other and having sex. "Consenting to marry" would today be called "engagement." So the answer to the question is that sex during engagement has been considered the ratification of the marriage promise (and therefore permitted) since 1105, a tradition that has been modified only recently, historically speaking.

[TaraMaiden]

Like I said - Doctrine of man - not word of God.

 

we've discussed wording and intention of biblical references before, KathyM....

 

And some things I brought up you were strangely silent on, and did not respond to...

 

so let's not go there again, ok?

[FredRutherford]

So it's now OK to fornicate if you're engaged? Interesting.

 

This is a touchy topic.

As I am the OP, want to post a little about my experience.

 

Wasn't a virgin, but lived like one and had very little relationships until my late 20s.... So was "starving" so to speak in my late 20s and felt I "deserved" some things, esp. as I'd lived a chaste life for most of my 20s..

 

So when met my future wife @30, though both were Christians, we engaged in sex @3-4 mos. during our weekend dates (were in an LDR).

Would attend her church on weekends, particularly closer to engagement.

 

We both felt bad about that and it's come up recently.

She recently told me she doesn't think she was a "Good Christian Girl" because she didn't resist or tell me she wanted to wait, though she wasn't a virgin herself.

She had sex with a HS BF after HS and then got engaged to him...

 

I tell her sex is normal (but not condoned), particularly for men and women in their 30s. Didn't "advertise" our sexual involvement and she wore a beautiful white dress when we married.

 

Also tell her I really would've waited if that was important to her, as I was patient and truly wanted a relationship more than just sexual satisfaction.

If she'd asked, may have moved the marriage date up:D.

 

Also point to our premarital counseling by a lay couple in her Catholic church.

 

The lay couple asked if we were having sex. Every couple in the room answered affirmatively.

 

They recommended we cool the sex until the wedding night, so we could focus on each other and our future lives together.

Though we still slept in the same bed on weekends (clothed), we didn't have sex for nearly a year.

Am glad we didn't bec. it made me really consider whether I loved her --- or her body... And it made our wedding night more special.

 

Told my wife I had no problem following that suggestion bec. as a Christian, I did feel some guilt, especially as we started planning the wedding.

Told her that action showed I truly cared more about her feelings and would've waited -- and did -- until marriage.

 

So can certainly understand people having sex before marriage and I don't attack others who do.