salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just told me last night she wants to join the army (the nurse corp) and is meeting with an army recruiter Monday. (She is currently working as a nurse practitioner at a prestigous hospital in Boston it a great job) This was totally out of the blue and hit me like a sledge hammer. As recent as last weekend we were seriously discussing marriage and where to live. (She told me what kind of ring she would like, etc.) Im 41, she's 37 and this is the first serious marriage conversation Ive ever had and I'm ready to go for it with her. She is everything, beautiful, intelligent, fun , the total package. Some background we have been on and off for the duration of the 2 1/2 years. she broke up with me twice than came running back. We got back together this summer. Its been great on both ends. I feel ive been in a honeymon period and She tells she loves me and actually chases me more than I chase her. I have never felt about anyone like i do about her and she communicates this to me constantly as well. So Im very confused on this one. I understand rationally why she wants to do it. She has 65k in student loans which they will erase, and hasnt traveled much outside MA. So how do I respond? Most family and friends have told me to support her and if we really love each other it will make us stronger. Shes committing 3 years which she doesnt think is a big amount of time. My first reaction is to end this right now to prevent further heartache. But I know and Im sure everyone out there knows its hard to meet someone that really does it for you. Please help me with your suggestions, I would surely appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 So tie the knot already and join with her. I know your 41 (what the army considers old), but if you're fit, have a degree and can bring a valuable skill set to the table they won't care. This strikes me as a make or break time in your life, if she's truely serious about it. Put your game face on buddy! On a side note, if you don't feel you could handle staying with her while she's in the army and you're still in the civilian life, you may consider how much you want to be with her. I could tell you stories about friends and cousins in the military having their relationships shattered because of it, both long term relationships and full marriages, but they might not apply to you. My examples would be of young people, the two of you are more mature and learned in life. It might seem rash to just hitch up... but it's not rash at all if you two have already been planning it out and where to live. If you love her, take a knee! Make the next 4 years together an adventure. Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) She has 65k in student loans which they will erase, What? I am relatively certain that her recruiter is lying to her. The G.I. bill has some pretty awesome perks, but paying off existing loans is not (that I am aware of) one of them. She should seriously double check this if this is something she was told, because I've never heard of student loans being paid by the military, and unless she intends to join as an officer, she'll probably make less money than she does now by a fair bit. Edited October 17, 2009 by Bejita463 Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 (edited) Student loans are in fact paid for by the military for people who come in with degrees, not sure if it is part of or seperate from the G.I. Bill. Normally they pay for half upon signing at the begining of your contract, and the other half when you get out 4 years later. I am not sure about the amount caps, it probably depends on what you're bringing to the table- I would expect the cap to have been raised since we are in wartime. But they do in fact pay off student loans. I was looking into the air force for my own student debt once my degree is finished. Edit: here's some info... Army "The Army's Loan Repayment Program (LRP) is a special enlistment incentive that the Army offers to highly qualified applicants at the time of enlistment. Under the LRP, the Army will repay up to $65,000 of a soldier's qualifying student loans." http://www.military.com/Resources/ResourcesContent/0,13964,44245--,00.html Edited October 17, 2009 by TheLoneSock Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Learned something new. Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 she does qulaify, she would be joining as an officer(I checked into it) I dont see how we are going to make it, thats why im on here looking for help Im devastated, younger people dont realize how hard it is too find some that you unconditionally love, Ive had a million girlfriends , believe me i Know Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 she does qulaify, she would be joining as an officer(I checked into it) I dont see how we are going to make it, thats why im on here looking for help Im devastated, younger people dont realize how hard it is too find some that you unconditionally love, Ive had a million girlfriends , believe me i Know Did you read my first response to your post? Take a knee! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 My first reaction is to end this right now to prevent further heartache. Just a gut hunch but like lonesock says.. take a knee, Ask her to marry you, if you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.. You have already discussed marriage.. so it is in the cards... You will have to work out the logistics of your relationship once married but together you should be able to do that. I don't know if I would suggest that you drop your career and sign up yourself but those are decisions that only you would know about. I would think that at your ages that her going into the military would take a toll on your relationship and strain it out of existence. It would for me when I was 41.. Good Luck... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 My first reaction is to end this right now to prevent further heartache. she's already set a pattern of leaving you in the past. go with your first gut reaction. its better for you to get the upper hand this time and break up with her first. if its meant to be she'll come back to you eventually. oh yea and when you break up with her tell her the only reason is cause shes going into the army... Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Some background we have been on and off for the duration of the 2 1/2 years. she broke up with me twice than came running back. The two of you should address this first, I mean why the on/off for 2 1/2 years? Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 she's already set a pattern of leaving you in the past. go with your first gut reaction. its better for you to get the upper hand this time and break up with her first. if its meant to be she'll come back to you eventually. oh yea and when you break up with her tell her the only reason is cause shes going into the army... Salem this is the first thng I thought of. If she broke up with you twice in the past, it sounds like shes too cowardly to break up with you again, but going into the army is the ONLY way she can break up with you and be forced to stay away from you this time. Thats her plan. You need to break it off with her first. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 she's already set a pattern of leaving you in the past. go with your first gut reaction. its better for you to get the upper hand this time and break up with her first. if its meant to be she'll come back to you eventually. The two of you should address this first, I mean why the on/off for 2 1/2 years? Salem this is the first thng I thought of. I don't really know about the on again off again thing.. I know people happily married forever that were on again and off again.. Sometimes if one is non-committal it can cause a break or see saw till they both commit. Salem.. since you have both discussed marriage and rings do you think she is looking for a marriage proposal ? It does seem as though she is willing to move on with her life with or without you and is looking to you to make a decision of some sort.. It's a toughie... the answer may lie in you.. how have you been in the relationship.. do you seem non committal to her ? Also.. the 65k in loans.. that isn't worth doing 3 years in the army for.. if she has that great of a job she should be able to clear it in a couple of years if she tried or earlier if you both worked on it if you were married Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Also.. the 65k in loans.. that isn't worth doing 3 years in the army for.. if she has that great of a job she should be able to clear it in a couple of years if she tried or earlier if you both worked on it if you were married indeed, the above is a non issue. these loans have very low interest rates and are repaid over long periods of time. she's just using that as an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 art critic, you may be right we talked about marriage and she said i didnt seem to be serious, it could be a test on the other hand I offered to pay her loan off and then she brought up other issues such as the need to do something different as afar as her career, travel etc which makes me think she forgotten the marriage idea - you can see why im confused Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 she pays about 500/month in loan payments, one other thing shes underwater on her condo and cant sell so i think shes feeling $ pressures Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 the problem is I aching for this woman right now (shes out visisting a friend who had a baby) and im worried about what i might say when i see her again probably tomorrow One thing i did find out which she may not be aware, shes signing up for 3 years but may not realize all armed services have a 8 year committment active duty plus reserve (im hoping it maybe a dealbreaker for her) Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Salem.. maybe it's time for a face to face.. heart to heart lay it all out on the table discussion with her.. Breakup or marry or whatever at least it will be resolved.. Making her stay thru guilt about doing 5 years in the reserves isn't the right thing to do... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 i think you should let her do what she wants. but tell her that if she decides to go the army route you two are finished. you can't wait around for 3 years for her. and plus when she gets out of the armed services she'll be all butch and unfeminine so you probably won't even be attracted to her any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 yea i guess that would be almost extortion, but she has to think thru this Army thing right? maybe ill just wait to see how she feels after she meets with the recruiter Monday Art Critic thanks again for the solid perspective u brought up things i didnt think of Link to post Share on other sites
Author salem mark Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 alphamale i agree if shes serious about this we already are finished by her choice what i am suppose to baby her thru the first year and then she springs on me i met somebody then ill look like a real tool Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Art Critic thanks again for the solid perspective u brought up things i didnt think of hey what about my input here? i did some legwork also Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 I don't really know about the on again off again thing.. I know people happily married forever that were on again and off again.. Sometimes if one is non-committal it can cause a break or see saw till they both commit. I'm sure that's true but the OP said they've been on/off for two years and they've broken up twice within that time, I'm just wondering why that is exactly and I thought it was worth exploring given the situation. we talked about marriage and she said i didnt seem to be serious, it could be a testThat's not a test, that is someone who has genuine concerns. No, you shouldn't have to baby her or coddle her. But, there's a reason the father of the bride walks his daughter down the aisle, and gives her away in the hopes that his daughter will be taken care of. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 It sounds to me like its just another way of running. She is making a conscious decision to delay things by three years (or more, it sounds like) and knowingly is going into this with the understanding that you and she will be apart for long periods of time. People who are ready to commit, marry and settle down don't do this. They do it if it is part of a plan which includes the future spouse, but it sounds to me like your part in this isn't of any real concern to her right now. Seriously if faced with something like this (and I have before), I would just be up front and tell the person that we obviously aren't on the same page and walk away. I wish I had done that in my case, instead of hanging on to someone who made a decision to move away from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Johnny M Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 Some background we have been on and off for the duration of the 2 1/2 years. she broke up with me twice than came running back. We got back together this summer. Its been great on both ends. I feel ive been in a honeymon period and She tells she loves me and actually chases me more than I chase her. I have never felt about anyone like i do about her and she communicates this to me constantly as well. As difficult as it may be for you to accept, this can only mean one of two things: 1) She's not that crazy about you, but she can't find anyone better, which is why she's coming back. Given her age, she likely understands that she needs to get married very soon if she's got any hope of getting married at all. In other words, by marrying you, she would be settling for someone who's far from being her top pick for a husband. 2) She is an extremely fickle and perhaps irrational person who, even at her not-so-juvenile age, has no idea what she wants (hence her irrational behavior: one day she chases you, the next day she leaves, then comes back, then decides to join the military....) In any event, I don't see a how this could lead to a lasting, happy marriage. As much as you may like this woman, you need to look at things pragmatically. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 So how do I respond? Most family and friends have told me to support her and if we really love each other it will make us stronger. Shes committing 3 years which she doesnt think is a big amount of time. Ha. Good luck with that. Make sure she talks to somebody (or even better - SEVERAL somebodies) that are already in the military as to what it's all about. She may only be signing for 3 years Active, but does she understand IRR? The Individual Ready Reserve owns your ass for FIVE YEARS after your active time. She is not signing up for 3 years, my friend - she's signing up for 8. Don't ever listen to what a recruiter says - they'll do anything to get you to sign. She'd be wise to bring somebody with her to the recruiter that has been or is in the military to sniff out the BS that recruiters hand out. The IRR consists of military members who have been discharged from active duty or the active Guard/Reserves but still have a commitment to the military. For example, everyone who enlists in the military (active, Guard, or Reserves) agree to a total eight year service commitment, regardless of the amount of time spent "active." So, if someone enlists in the Army for four years, and then gets out, they are subject to recall to active duty for an additional four years. So if the military decides they NEED her back, guess what? They got her back. And is she prepared to spend all 3 years of her Active time (if she's lucky to only be Active that long) overseas? Because in the current state the military is in, that's a good possibility. Another problem is when she reaches her ETS (end-time of service) date and is getting ready to sign out, the military may be short on people in her MOS and decide they need to stop-loss her (keep her in) for an indeterminate amount of time. Hope she's prepared for that possibility, too. And if you think getting her pregnant would keep her from going overseas...goodluck with that, too. As soon as she delivers, they'll send her (barring, of course, some kind of medical condition). So I hope she'd be prepared to leave her baby for a good first year of his/her life. She REALLY needs to do her research before signing on the dotted line. Do NOT take the recruiter's word for ANYTHING. And do NOT believe any promises the recruiter makes unless it is written down and SIGNED by somebody high up - preferably with the Army seal on it. Good luck with that, too. I, personally, do not think this is such a good idea in your particular scenario. Are you prepared to have your life torn apart by the effects of PTSD? If she has not lived much life out of Mass, she is going to be absolutely shell-shocked by the things she sees over there. And when she comes back, if she comes back - she will NOT be the same person you knew when she left. She will FOREVER be changed. If anyone thinks I'm being "sensationalist" about this or trying to scare the guy - you're damn straight, I am. Too many people jump into this without understand the full effects of what CAN (and most likely WILL) happen. I'm a former Army wife, btw, and have a good number of military wife friends and I have seen FAR too much about that lifestyle for me to be okay with somebody lightly stepping into that. GET EDUCATED! Link to post Share on other sites
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