How to proceed?

[soulm8]

I am meeting a good friend tomorrow for dinner and we plan to watch a movie at his place afterwards, just hang out.

 

The thing is, we met online Jan 2008. We met for a coffee date and hit it off really well. Due to our busy schedules, living about 45 minutes apart, and being single parents, we emailed and called daily for about a month after our date. He always initiated the contact and I responded with encouragment.

 

I continued dating because he was moving so slow and kinda kept me guessing. He finally asked me to a live comedy night and I was really looking forward to the date. I had a dinner date lined up that same week. While I was on my date, he got my voicemail so I called him right after dinner (it was a first date and there was nothing there). He asked me what I was up to and I told him that I'd just had a dinner date. I could tell he was thrown off by it and rattled so I asked him why it bothered him. I can't remember what he said now. But shortly after that, probably a couple days later... he vanished. Poof!

 

I emailed him and he replied that he felt it would be better if we not continue contact. I was surprised and hurt because we'd gotten to know each other and I genuinely liked him and was looking forward to actually having a second date with him. He apologized and that was that.

 

A year later we noticed each other on the dating website again and I broke the ice by sending a friendly message. We messaged back and forth a bit, but I ended up getting back together with an ex and deleted my profile.

 

This past Fall, I ran into him again on the website. This time, he approached me and apologized for his disappearing act in 2008 and we caught up on what we'd been up to. We exchanged email addies and shared our Facebooks... we became friends (again).

 

We finally met up to hang out last month and he ended up telling me he wanted to be more than friends with me. I was a little surprised but we do get along very well and have alot in common. I also didn't realize how sensitive he actually is - I'm not used to meeting men who are AS sensitive as I am! Yesterday, he made it clear that he wants to be my boyfriend and take things slow... but he also mentioned that my repulsion towards FWB relationships made him extremely horny for me!

 

I ramble on, sorry! I guess I'm looking for any advice anyone can offer. I really want to make this work because he's a real sweetheart and I really enjoy his company. I'm worried that I'll possibly scare him off again - or was that only because I was dating other guys? Now that he's got my undivided attention will he relax and go with the flow? We did talk about the vanishing last month, and he assured me he'd had plenty of time to think about me and the potential between us...

[TaraMaiden]

Dumb as it may sound, I think you need to stop thinking and hyper-analysing this.

if you're happy to do so, just go with the flow.

the first kiss will tell you whether you feel this would work or not.

Forget all the crap about the past.

there's nothing there you can retrieve, change, amend, edit or alter.

It happened.

there were reasons. You know the reasons.

drop it.

Move on.

Relax, enjoy and just see how things develop.

because, one way or the other - they will.

 

Trust your instincts, above all, not your logic and reasoning, justification and excuses.

Your instincts are bound to be right, because it's what hits us first.

Listen to your 'self' and relax.

 

Good luck!

[Ronni_W]

I'm worried that I'll possibly scare him off again - or was that only because I was dating other guys? Now that he's got my undivided attention will he relax and go with the flow?

That's what it sounds like to me, yes.

 

At the same time. He HAS been clear with you that he does want to take things slow. I would try to find out EXACTLY what that means for him: How does it look in practice? What are his expectations of you? What can you expect from him?

 

Is he confident in his own ability to tell you if/when you end up going "faster" than he wants and needs? How much responsibility does he believe HE has, to ensure that the relationship remains comfortable for him AND ALSO meets your wants and needs?

 

How good is he at negotiation and compromise? How good are you at those things?

 

Those are the types of answers that would help me feel comfortable getting into something with him -- he needs to take his own responsibility to make things work.

[soulm8]

Thanks to the both of you! I'll keep your advice in mind and see.

[soulm8]

Well I had a great time and I'm looking forward to more. I'm a bit taken aback by his approach... I'm usually the one trying to keep balance, slow things down and determine long term compatability.

 

He's quite shy so we've only kissed (not passionately) and hugged so far. He did put his hand on my lap momentarily... but he's definitely being careful. I must admit, I was kinda hoping we'd cuddle and kiss more. We look like buddies with a crush on each other ... we're both slow movers and I tend to follow my man's lead.

[TaraMaiden]

"He who deliberates fully before taking each step, will spend his entire life on one leg."

 

Sometimes, it's a hot and horny thing if a lady takes the lead.

Not aggressively. But he's tentative, because he's unsure of how you're feeling.

You just said you wish you'd kissed and cuddled more. Next time you see him - kiss him and cuddle him more.

 

He'll get it.....

[soulm8]

Next time you see him - kiss him and cuddle him more.

 

Yes, I plan to I told him I wished we had cuddled and kissed more when I got home. I even said that for how comfortable we are with each other, we sure are shy! He agreed and kind of apologized. I'm getting more relaxed around him and I think he may be the type who'd appreciate me making a move. It's just a bit of a leap from friends to more... I haven't been in this situation since I was a teen!

 

I'm not sure how this will go because I like responding to advances. Hopefully he just needs more assurance and "mans up" because I do tend to come across as quite aloof until I've had sex.

[soulm8]

I would try to find out EXACTLY what that means for him: How does it look in practice? What are his expectations of you? What can you expect from him?

 

Is he confident in his own ability to tell you if/when you end up going "faster" than he wants and needs? How much responsibility does he believe HE has, to ensure that the relationship remains comfortable for him AND ALSO meets your wants and needs?

 

How good is he at negotiation and compromise? How good are you at those things?

 

Well shyte! I just remembered I wanted to discuss these points with him but completely forgot. Next time.

 

We're both very open and honest in our communication, which is awesome and really important to me. I'm so done with emotionally closed off guys. We're both very easy going, compromising people.

[Meaplus3]

If he is sensitive and you mentioned that you were dating other guys, then that's probably what made him think twice the first time. So, as long as he knows that you are interested in him and him omly, my feeling is that things could work well her for you. But, that has to be up to you. And how you feel about him. I say give this guy a chance.. And see where it goes. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

[soulm8]

Thanks Mea! I am only interested in him and respect him.

[soulm8]

Hmmm. After not hearing from him (at all) in 4 days, I just received a FB message. (why not a call? wtf)

 

He briefly tells me how his new job is and also mentions that he and his son's mother went to watch the Olympic torch on Tuesday (he had the day off). This is a huge surprise as they do not get along!

 

Long story short, they were acquaintances in HS and reconnected on a dating site. She got pregnant shortly after they started dating and refused to have an abortion even though they couldn't make their relationship work. The drama and bull that he has told me made me certain there was absolutely no chance in hell for her. She even refused to name the baby properly; he's got HER surname. He's paying child support and sees his darling little 2 year old a few days per week for a few hours. Complete bull*****. Yes, if you do the math, I met him when his son was only a few months old. They never even made it to living together. It was as if he was a sperm donor.

 

Interestingly enough, the evening of our date... he told me that he ran into her at the liquor store. She asked him if he had a hot date. He found it odd that she was in his neighborhood at 4pm and next in line at the register. He felt like she was stalking him. He showed me the email she sent him when she got home, which he interpreted as wanting to get back together. From what I saw, she wanted to get along better and stop fighting over their son. She also called and left a voicemail while I was there, because he didn't want to speak to her...

 

This doesn't sound good at all, just typing it. WTH! I really thought he would have called me on his day off to tell me how his job was going. Now I don't know if I should simply reply lightheartedly or tell him he needs to sort himself out.

[Ronni_W]

I really thought he would have called me on his day off to tell me how his job was going. Now I don't know if I should simply reply lightheartedly or tell him he needs to sort himself out.

May I suggest Option C - do nothing at all. Wait for him to do a follow-up to this dismal display...and see if he can manage something better.

 

Keeping in mind that he WAS very clear with you that he wanted to take things slowly. *Maybe*, in his mind, calling you on his day off would have meant something different to him than just a phone call on his day off. (That you were kind of expecting it, and are kind of miffed about not getting it...*maybe* his instinct about what you might read into it was...???)

 

*Maybe* it was just easier to message you about him getting with his kid's mom than telling you in person.

 

To me, he's acting like a guy who wants to take things slow...nothing he didn't already tell you; nothing you didn't already know. Right?

[soulm8]

Thanks Ronni.

 

Wait for him to do a follow-up to this dismal display...and see if he can manage something better.

 

That's what I've decided to do.

 

*Maybe*, in his mind, calling you on his day off would have meant something different to him than just a phone call on his day off.

 

Sure, but he was a call every day kind of guy up until the day after the run in with his ex... isn't it suspicious? Isn't it odd that his behaviour would change shortly after my agreeing to a relationship? We're going SO slowly that it doesn't *feel* like we're exclusive; it feels like we should be dating others.

 

That you were kind of expecting it, and are kind of miffed about not getting it...

 

I wasn't miffed, but *now* that I know he spent "family" time with her, I'm concerned. Sure the Olympics aren't held in your backyard every day, but their kid is 2! His message said that they "put their guns down" and basically went because their son wanted to see the torch. Seems really strange to me considering all of their history.

 

To me, he's acting like a guy who wants to take things slow...nothing he didn't already tell you; nothing you didn't already know. Right?

 

I realize I sound jealous but it just really strikes me as "datey" considering he told me she wanted him back. He backed right off when I merely mentioned I was still dating, and then backed right off again last month when I simply mentioned feeling confused about an ex.

 

Any male perspective on this would be greatly appreciated!

[soulm8]

I'm thinking it was really premature to agree to being exclusive with this guy. Which makes me wonder why I do this in the first place! I've found myself in this spot so many times... I connect and allow them to "secure me" in a relationship and then I wonder why I bothered.

 

Probably sounds flighty/flakey of me, but it's not like I agree to be exclusive with anyone asking. I'm really picky about who I date so when there's a connection and he pushes for it... I give it a shot.

 

What am I doing wrong?!

 

How do you NOT give someone a chance or delay exclusivity without coming across as not interested? It boils down to getting Ronni's questions answered first, doesn't it?! I feel like I have dating training wheels on!

[sullysteve]

This guy is a strange one.

 

First, he can't handle the fact that you were seeing other guys after just one date with you? (Although, it was untactful for you to tell him you had just been on a dinner "date"; guys don't need to hear that). And then he asks to be exclusive? Is he really that insecure?

 

You show interest by being available, accepting dates, and occasionally being the one to initiate things. It's simple really. You're not doing anything wrong, except maybe picking the wrong guy

[soulm8]

it was untactful for you to tell him you had just been on a dinner "date"; guys don't need to hear that

 

Hmmm... "untactful" - that's no good! I'm a very straight forward, open and honest person, so when someone asks me a question... I just answer with the truth. In that scenario, should I have said I'd had dinner with a friend?

 

Maybe that's my problem... I'm *too* honest. I value honesty, so it seems deceptive to me not to just be myself.

[sullysteve]

I wouldn't look at it as being dishonest, but as being mysterious or not falling victim to giving "too much information". Just say you were just out for dinner and leave it at that. With whom is irrelevant after just one date!

 

That being said, it wasn't a big mistake on your part. Being direct and straightforward is attractive to confident men. The fact that it scared him off says a lot more about him than it does about you.

[soulm8]

I wouldn't look at it as being dishonest, but as being mysterious or not falling victim to giving "too much information".

 

Yes! I'm working on that!! Confidence is a huge turn on and I rarely find it or else it fades shortly after they get comfortable with me. They won't get overly comfy if I'm a bit mysterious. Thanks Sully!

[soulm8]

Should I bother waiting for him to contact me or should I go ahead and let him know that I don't think this will work?

 

We live 45 minutes apart, and he warned me that he's going to be really busy with his work schedule for the next month or so due to the Olympics. If we were more than "buddies" at this point, I could see "waiting" for him but... I'm not feeling like his gf at all without more contact at least!

[Ronni_W]

he warned me that he's going to be really busy with his work schedule for the next month or so due to the Olympics. If we were more than "buddies" at this point, I could see "waiting" for him but... I'm not feeling like his gf at all without more contact at least!

soul,

I'm sorry -- I think I missed something: Are you "buddies", or are you his gf and he your bf?

 

Or. Did he say that he wants to "go slow" with you AND sucker you into agreeing to be his (exclusive?) girlfriend...at the same time?

To me, that's just freakin' wrong! (If that's what happened.) He can't have it all ways. Well, he can...but only with your own agreement, permission and approval.

 

Personally. I wouldn't even bother to tell him anything. If you can and want to, just leave it until after the Olympics (which is only 2 weeks, unless he's also got something to do with the Paralympics), and see if and what he has to offer at that time -- and be very discerning, at that point. He *might* be a bit of a Tricky Dicky.

 

And I'd keep my other options open during the Olympics -- keep having dinner dates and whatever else. (I certainly wouldn't just be "waiting" -- he hasn't done anything to deserve, or even expect, that from you. IMO.)

[sullysteve]

I agree with Ronni, he's trying to have it both ways.

 

I don't think you should be the one to initiate contact in order to let him know things aren't working; it's not like you've been with him for a long time and have an obligation. Let him know if/when he gets back to you after the Olympics. Be direct (your specialty!) and there should be no hard feelings.

[soulm8]

We're supposedly bf/gf. Yes, I suppose it sounds like I've been suckered... but this is a pattern with me as the common denominator that I HAVE TO stop!

 

As Ronni pointed out, I need to get expectations clearly covered before agreeing to a relationship. It's not like I assume everything - I just assume that the guy won't change his behaviour and take me for granted.

 

I agreed to be his gf knowing that I wouldn't see much of him until March. He's working 2 jobs so he has very limited free time. I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't interested in dating new people - we both wanted to focus on our potential. The only expectations we covered were exclusivity, taking it slowly, not meeting my kids til we are *sure*, and honest communication.

 

The last thing I want to do is come across as insecure, because that's not what is going on here. Knowing I won't see him in person for a while, I'm struggling with how little contact we have right now... and wanting to discuss our expectations more thoroughly. I don't think email is the appropriate means.

 

I'm too nice and loyal, too soon.

 

He may sound strange, insecure, etc., but we do have a dynamic together that makes me want to see what happens. I'm not ready to walk away just yet and I have plenty of friends and things to keep me busy. I'm not entirely convinced that he's trying to have it both ways, yet.

 

I replied to his FB message:

 

Oh, too bad it's boring... at least it's temporary eh? The week's flying by! Glad to hear you and *ex* are getting along. Makes parenting a hell of a lot easier.

[homersheineken]

We're supposedly bf/gf. Yes, I suppose it sounds like I've been suckered... but this is a pattern with me as the common denominator that I HAVE TO stop!

 

As Ronni pointed out, I need to get expectations clearly covered before agreeing to a relationship. It's not like I assume everything - I just assume that the guy won't change his behaviour and take me for granted.

 

I agreed to be his gf knowing that I wouldn't see much of him until March. He's working 2 jobs so he has very limited free time. I made the mistake of telling him I wasn't interested in dating new people - we both wanted to focus on our potential. The only expectations we covered were exclusivity, taking it slowly, not meeting my kids til we are *sure*, and honest communication.

 

The last thing I want to do is come across as insecure, because that's not what is going on here. Knowing I won't see him in person for a while, I'm struggling with how little contact we have right now... and wanting to discuss our expectations more thoroughly. I don't think email is the appropriate means.

 

I'm too nice and loyal, too soon.

 

He may sound strange, insecure, etc., but we do have a dynamic together that makes me want to see what happens. I'm not ready to walk away just yet and I have plenty of friends and things to keep me busy. I'm not entirely convinced that he's trying to have it both ways, yet.

 

I replied to his FB message:

 

So you're basically indicting him of seeing his ex with your *stars* there.

[soulm8]

So you're basically indicting him of seeing his ex with your *stars* there.

 

No, I edited my post to not name her. My message to him was simply her name. How is that accusatory? It's a fact they got along that day... and that's best for their son.

[homersheineken]

No, I edited my post to not name her. My message to him was simply her name. How is that accusatory? It's a fact they got along that day... and that's best for their son.

 

Oh i thought you literally put *ex* in the msg. If you did that then it's pretty accusatory. If you didn't, disregard my msg