Interesting situation I find myself in...

[Daremo_06]

So I met this woman a few weeks ago online. Her profile says shes 34, that she owns her own business and has a very hectic and busy life. She also is listed as seeing someone and her profile says that she is just window shopping. I checked out her profile, but because she is seeing someone, I don't email her. Instead she initiates contact with me, so I reply back and we exchange a couple emails, I catch her online and we chat for around an hour and then over the following week have a couple of multiple hour phone conversations.

 

She talks about the "seeing someone" and says its over and its just that he is having a hard time moving on. I accept this at face value, as I have no reason to not believe her at this point.

 

We make plans to meet for dinner 2 weeks ago. She clearly states she has no expectations other than meeting for dinner, and I agree that neither do I. (given that I know she is on the tail end of a relationship, I am cautious)

 

We meet at 730pm and I don't get home till 2am, and we spend another hour or so on the phone before going to sleep. Needless to say there was definitely some chemistry. Some kissing, lots of laughing and good conversation. It was one of the best 1st dates I have ever had, because the communication was exceptional, the body language was there, it just was perfect.

 

Next day we talked via text, and met to go running together. Ran a couple miles, then talked for 20-30 min afterwards and more kissing before leaving. This was the night of the SB. I was over at some friends and we were texting back and forth during the game. She made encouraging comments like "you miss me don't you" and telling me I was cute. Obviously you would read that as a very good sign and I did, so I invited her out the following weekend to my friends who was having a family dinner type event she throws about once a month. (a good food/good wine/good convo type of thing with friends and fam) She said ok via text... Later that night after the SB we talked again on the phone. She said that she didn't want to say anything when I asked her via text, but that she felt it was too quick for her to meet everyone like that. I admitted that as soon as I sent the text, I thought to myself.. "hmm I dont think I should have asked her that so soon". So again the communication was spot on and I REALLY appreciated that she openly discussed how she felt about it AND asked me what I thought about it as well.

 

(I just wanted to show how open and comfortable the communication is between us)

 

We spoke via text and phone calls every day through the week except for Friday. We also made plans for this past Sat night and one of the things she was looking for in a man was a guy who took charge and did not need her input on everything. So I planned the entire night this past Sat and did not leave any choices up to her.

 

I then told her what the plans were for the date, ice skating first, then where we were eating and the club we were going to afterwards. I then added that I was driving and if she didn't feel comfortable with giving me her address just yet, that we could meet someplace close to her house to leave her car. She said ok and did not comment any more about it as the subject changed to something else that night.

 

I discover during the week that her age appears to be 37 according to something online (yes I googled her, I try to be safe) I laugh about this as it doesn't bother me in the slightest and I figure I will have fun busting her about it during our date.

 

I happened to stay in Fri night and at one point, I checked her FB page. I see a new years eve picture of her with someone (I am thinking the ex) and when I open it up to look at it in larger size, there is a comment from one of her friends mentioning the guy in the photo and calling him her hubby....

 

Sooo that sets off a HUGE gianormous flag for me as it should.

 

I check in with a friend who has been hearing all about how things have been going. She tells me that I should wait before going off with both barrels as telling someone your still married is not normally 1st date material. She says I should go out with her on Sat anyways and see if she brings it up. I agree with this plan.

 

Sat night. We drive down together to the city and go skating. Have a great time. I am quite aware of the issue she hasn't talked about, but everything else feels so comfortable that I am able to put it to the back of my mind and enjoy skating with her. We get to the restaurant and are seated. Start talking about more serious things and suddenly she starts to say something but then quickly changes her mind and doesn't want to continue. I know she what she wants to bring up, and I let the moment pass. A few minutes later during another subject I made a comment about her and she said you have no idea. I replied, "Oh I know more about you than you think I do" and I said it with a smile. She challenged that immediately so I thought about it for a second and then said I knew she was married. She smiled and said yes and that she had just had the "moving out" conversation with her ex. I talked about how I discovered it and that I decided to give her the opportunity to come clean as it wasn't the kind of thing you bring up on a first date material AND neither of us had expected there to be such good chemistry. I was satisfied that she was not trying to play me or keep me as a secret and we had another outstanding night together. More conversation about everything under the sun, kids, future plans.

 

I had her come over yesterday afternoon and we spent most of the afternoon together eating and talking, she even did a little work on her laptop while I was cooking. Again everything felt very comfortable. We talked about her situation and having been made the mistake of having an affair myself a few years back when I was still married, I understood some of where she was at. She said she did not feel guilty about spending time with me, but that at the same time she is leery of being judge by her family and friends. She wants to take things one week at a time.

 

(There was much more conversation but this post is long enough without me detailing everything....)

 

Pros

 

I find her quite attractive

 

We "click" in many many ways. Physically we seem to innately understand what each of us enjoys (no we have not had sex) and its really really easy to spend time with her. We have similar interests in outdoor activities and other hobbies as well yet with enough of a difference that there is plenty of new ground for each of us to try with the other.

 

The communication is absolutely the best I have ever had with someone I was interested in. She tells me what her expectations are, she is not shy about giving me feedback, and I have appreciated the feedback as its been very honest and respectful.

 

She has her head together and is quite successful which is another quality I like. She is a strong woman which I like, yet I am not intimidated by her in the slightest which is something new for her. (I told her I do not measure my status as a man by the number of decimal points in my salary, which she really liked)

 

Cons

 

Married - have not yet asked if she had started the divorce paperwork and I need to do that, but she has mentioned more than once that she has been separated since middle of last year.

 

(I cant think of really any others, but seriously whats a bigger issue to worry about in this situation than this? I really can't think of many outside of perhaps pending jail or terminal illness....)

 

Comments? Things to look out for? Does my logic seem sound here? Run away screaming?

 

Thanks

 

Rob

[ja123]

This is a very long post, Rob; however, it's very well written. Due to the length, I'm not sure how many responses you'll get though.

 

It sounds to me as though things are going extremely well. I think you should continue to explore the potential with this woman, providing she's upfront about her divorce proceedings. You don't seem particularly hung up on money, but keep in mind that divorce can cause financial havoc in people's lives. Furthermore, though some people are (or appear) to be successful/accomplished, their current financial situation may not be what it seems either. So, it's important to not make assumptions.

 

This brings me to my next point, the only red flag I really see here is what's coming from you. You may be making too many assumptions or drawing too many conclusions this early on.

 

In addition, you might be falling for the flattery (e.g., she wants you to take charge, she likes the fact that you're not intimidated by her, etc.) We all want some flattery, of course, but just be aware of how that might be affecting your judgment; not to mention, the ready-made future with this woman that you may have in your mind. It's normal (and wonderful!) to dream, just be aware again not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions

 

Overall though, it seems like the two of you may very well have a chance. I hope it works out for you!

[Emilia]

I think she is at ease with you and she is being comfortable around you because she has no stake in your budding relationship. She has so far lied about her age and her marrital status, neither of those she came clean out with, you had to find out for yourself. She says she separated last year yet she just had the 'moving out' conversation with her ex? How is that possible?

 

She is a liar and she will dump you as soon as you become a problem. I'll be extremely surprised if she turns up with those divorce papers. Even if she does, will she do the same to you that she is doing to her husband right now when she finds a better model?

[Daremo_06]

I think she is at ease with you and she is being comfortable around you because she has no stake in your budding relationship. She has so far lied about her age and her marrital status, neither of those she came clean out with, you had to find out for yourself. She says she separated last year yet she just had the 'moving out' conversation with her ex? How is that possible?

 

She is a liar and she will dump you as soon as you become a problem. I'll be extremely surprised if she turns up with those divorce papers. Even if she does, will she do the same to you that she is doing to her husband right now when she finds a better model?

 

I think you need to re-read my post. I do not take issue with the age, its 3 years and it makes sense that a woman who is 37 who MIGHT want kids doesnt want to scare people away thinking she is going to get a year into a relationship and be ok I need to have a baby right now. Either way, I have no problem with it. Historically, age is always a sensitive issue for women hence the well known saying about never asking a woman her age. The 2nd part, yes I have thought about being played AND I talked about that with her. I have not specifically asked about paperwork, but that question did not come to mind. I will ask her the next time I see her. I am quite aware of the game that can be played here having played it myself for a couple years before I learned my lesson. I have no intention of being heavily invested in this woman until I am 100% certain things are on more solid footing. That would be things such as being introduced to family as someone she is dating exclusively, hearing status updates on court proceedings ect ect.

[Emilia]

I think you need to re-read my post. I do not take issue with the age, its 3 years and it makes sense that a woman who is 37 who MIGHT want kids doesnt want to scare people away thinking she is going to get a year into a relationship and be ok I need to have a baby right now. Either way, I have no problem with it. Historically, age is always a sensitive issue for women hence the well known saying about never asking a woman her age. The 2nd part, yes I have thought about being played AND I talked about that with her. I have not specifically asked about paperwork, but that question did not come to mind. I will ask her the next time I see her. I am quite aware of the game that can be played here having played it myself for a couple years before I learned my lesson. I have no intention of being heavily invested in this woman until I am 100% certain things are on more solid footing. That would be things such as being introduced to family as someone she is dating exclusively, hearing status updates on court proceedings ect ect.

 

Why do I need to re-read your post? She is a liar. I am a woman, I am 39 years old, I am fully aware of how difficult it is to date at that age for various reasons.

 

As a 39 year-old divorcee I can tell you this woman does not have the right character for long term potential. She is playing you. You didn't answer my question: if she separated in the middle of last year, how come she had the 'moving out conversation' with her ex recently?

[Daremo_06]

And you can base your judgement of someones character on my 2nd hand account of conversations her and I have had? I know exactly what your talking about, I did the exact same thing to someone about 6 years ago so I KNOW how the game is played. Yes, generally speaking people who are doing this are more likely to do exactly what your talking about. I disagree with your assessments though. She is too nice at times and gives people too many chances. She also has significant financial implications to worry about as she owns her own business, has people that work for her and that means she cant just take the roughshod routine. If she did that, it could potentially affect the company and perhaps force layoffs or even for her to go out of business. Divorce does NOT have to be messy and hurtful and end up where both parties hate each other. My ex wife and I are great friends now and thats AFTER *I* cheated. Our divorce was mediated and cost us 350$. Thats it. No messy custody battles, no fight over money, no unnecessary battles in the courts costing thousands of dollars in legal fees. When you take the time to try to work things out rationally and respectfully, it can end smoothly. Not always, but having personally experienced it, I know its possible.

[maybealone]

Okay, before I comment on the entirety of the post, I have to get something off my chest.

 

She tells me that I should wait before going off with both barrels as telling someone your still married is not normally 1st date material.

 

SERIOUSLY? When did this become the norm? I would think being married would be something you would mention BEFORE the first date. Oh my gosh, I cannot imagine how upset I would be if a guy waited until the second or third date to tell me he was still married, even if they were separated and living a thousand miles apart.

 

Thank you for letting me rant on that. Now back to the issue at hand...

 

There are a lot of red flags here. She didn't just lie about her age, she also lied about her marital status in her online profile. She didn't confess either to you. She also said she's been separated for six months or so, but spent New Year's Eve with him and is still living with him.

 

On one hand, you might be nothing more than an ego boost for her. On the other hand, she might just need a carrot (you) dangled in front of her to get her to finally move on from an unhappy marriage. It seems like a bit of a crap shoot to me, at least until you talk about it with her (which it sounds like you plan to).

 

That said, good chemistry like that can be hard to find. If I were you, I would only continue if I knew with 100% certainty that I could stay guarded and keep from getting emotionally invested until the ink was very dry on the divorce decree.

[Daremo_06]

This is a very long post, Rob; however, it's very well written. Due to the length, I'm not sure how many responses you'll get though.

 

It sounds to me as though things are going extremely well. I think you should continue to explore the potential with this woman, providing she's upfront about her divorce proceedings. You don't seem particularly hung up on money, but keep in mind that divorce can cause financial havoc in people's lives. Furthermore, though some people are (or appear) to be successful/accomplished, their current financial situation may not be what it seems either. So, it's important to not make assumptions.

 

This brings me to my next point, the only red flag I really see here is what's coming from you. You may be making too many assumptions or drawing too many conclusions this early on.

 

In addition, you might be falling for the flattery (e.g., she wants you to take charge, she likes the fact that you're not intimidated by her, etc.) We all want some flattery, of course, but just be aware of how that might be affecting your judgment; not to mention, the ready-made future with this woman that you may have in your mind. It's normal (and wonderful!) to dream, just be aware again not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions

 

Overall though, it seems like the two of you may very well have a chance. I hope it works out for you!

 

Thanks for the feedback. I am trying to stay grounded and I feel that I have been fairly sucessful so far. I posted here to aid with that and I also have a therapist who I will be seeing again tomorrow and filling in all the details that are new since last week. I have no expectations currently. Yes, I would like to move forward, but this is something that will have to deliberately go slowly and I very well may continue dating other people. In fact, she has encouraged me a couple of times to do that as she doesn't want me falling in love with her and making things very complicated. I really like your feedback about my own assumptions and conclusions. This is something I need to keep a tight rein on.Thanks again.

[Daremo_06]

Okay, before I comment on the entirety of the post, I have to get something off my chest.

 

 

 

SERIOUSLY? When did this become the norm? I would think being married would be something you would mention BEFORE the first date. Oh my gosh, I cannot imagine how upset I would be if a guy waited until the second or third date to tell me he was still married, even if they were separated and living a thousand miles apart.

 

Thank you for letting me rant on that. Now back to the issue at hand...

 

There are a lot of red flags here. She didn't just lie about her age, she also lied about her marital status in her online profile. She didn't confess either to you. She also said she's been separated for six months or so, but spent New Year's Eve with him and is still living with him.

 

On one hand, you might be nothing more than an ego boost for her. On the other hand, she might just need a carrot (you) dangled in front of her to get her to finally move on from an unhappy marriage. It seems like a bit of a crap shoot to me, at least until you talk about it with her (which it sounds like you plan to).

 

That said, good chemistry like that can be hard to find. If I were you, I would only continue if I knew with 100% certainty that I could stay guarded and keep from getting emotionally invested until the ink was very dry on the divorce decree.

 

Everything that I have talked about her and virutally everything that has been brought up by everyone else, has been talked about between us. The one thing I dont know is official paperwork status. And thats simply because the question didn't pop into my head until I started writing this post. I seriously do appreciate the honest and somewhat brutal feedback and I knew what I was getting into posting it here. Its helping me keep a rational perspective about this and not get caught up in maybes and possibilities. So even though I may not agree with everyones assessments, I still appreciate them.

[Emilia]

Didn't mean to be brutal, it's just that you sound like you have your head in the clouds. You must protect yourself.

[Daremo_06]

Didn't mean to be brutal, it's just that you sound like you have your head in the clouds. You must protect yourself.

 

Thank you. That's EXACTLY why I posted here cause if its in the clouds and it shouldn't be, you guys would shoot it down .Brutal is fine, sometimes you need to hear things that way. I tend to give people the benfit of the doubt too often, its my libra tendancies I guess...

[oaks]

Cons

 

Married - have not yet asked if she had started the divorce paperwork and I need to do that, but she has mentioned more than once that she has been separated since middle of last year.

 

(I cant think of really any others, but seriously whats a bigger issue to worry about in this situation than this? I really can't think of many outside of perhaps pending jail or terminal illness....)

 

And she's still living with him. So, are they really separated?

 

I know that it is possible to be separated (in a legal sense, eg for the purposes of measuring time until a divorce can be filed) while still living together in some jurisdictions, but it makes it difficult/awkward (at best) to date in that situation.

 

I'd put "living with spouse" as a bigger issue than her still being married.

 

Even assuming there's no other deception going on, beyond what you've already discovered, is it really a situation you want to be in? Also, is it really their intention to divorce? (yes, both of them)

[Daremo_06]

And she's still living with him. So, are they really separated?

 

I know that it is possible to be separated (in a legal sense, eg for the purposes of measuring time until a divorce can be filed) while still living together in some jurisdictions, but it makes it difficult/awkward (at best) to date in that situation.

 

I'd put "living with spouse" as a bigger issue than her still being married.

 

Even assuming there's no other deception going on, beyond what you've already discovered, is it really a situation you want to be in? Also, is it really their intention to divorce? (yes, both of them)

 

Shes looking for an apartment today and tomorrow. Is planning to have something locked in for the 1st of March. If that happens, then I am inclined to place a little more belief in her. Actions speak much louder than words.

[Daremo_06]

Also I would agree that living with someone your divorcing and trying to date is difficult. BTDT, got the t-shirt and never wanted to have any part of it again. Yet, I find myself facing that possibility. I am leery of drama, having had plenty in the past. No desire to revisit. I hear what some of you are warning me of and I agree those things are very definate possibilities.

[ja123]

Certainly her situation isn't ideal; however, I get the impression that she was just online with very little expectation that she'd meet someone, let alone meeting someone whom she'd like so well.

 

For sure, it's a situation to be monitored, especially if you find yourself becoming too emotionally invested in her too soon, but I don't have the feeling that she was really planning to hoodwink anyone.

 

Life isn't black and white, nor are people. It is possible that, with some time, things for you two could work out quite nicely.

 

It seems that you both are very willing to communicate with one another, and that is very encouraging.

 

Take it day-by-day!