How Would You Play My Cards?

[Mr Scorpio]

So here is my situation:

 

I'm 32. Due to switching majors three times -- and a terrible economy -- I make under $1000 a month. I am continuing my education, with around 3 years go to (at my current pace) before graduating with a law degree and (hopefully) passing the bar exam.

 

I haven't dated since (or before) a two-year relationship which ended in 2008 and was followed by a short-rebound in 2010. That relationship was friends becoming more with a girl I met online in 1992, so it basically fell in my lap. I've had/have idealized that women the entire time, but found out this week that she finally has a ring on her finger.

 

Furthermore, I've suffered from depression/anxiety issues my entire life. My social circle consists almost exclusively of perpetually single guys. All but one of the men in my family is perpetually single. Weekdays are spent studying. Weekends are spent visiting my widowed/disabled father.

 

Up until a few months ago, my mindset was "focus on school, focus on losing a little bit of weight, focus on bettering your guitar playing (I'm a guitar teacher) and when you come out at 36 as a guitar playing, decent-looking lawyer, dating will work itself out".

 

Then, a few months ago, a had an emotional breakdown. The stress of being poor (by American standards), and the unknown future of facing student debt/caring for my father simply became too much. And now that Summer is here? I absolutely hate being single. The ex and I used to live by Lake Michigan, so Summer conjours up endless romantic memories that haunt me constantly.

 

I've been in therapy for about ten weeks. The therapist simply tries to reassure me that things will work out. That he thinks I'm very smart and driven and not willing to settle. He has also advised me to not date while I'm working on school, because rejection/being dumped could set me back enough to really screw up my studies. Valid point.

 

But at the same time, if I am lucky enough to get hired at a firm, I can expect several years of 60+ week hours. So I'm supposed to spend what little free time I have trying to find someone to share what little free time I have?

 

In the end, I'm afraid that one way or the other, I'm going to end up being perpetually single simply because it is too easy with all the single people around me. But that isn't how I want to live my life! I want love back in it! I want great moments to remember like I had with my ex. People say "improve yourself", and I am trying to career wise, but I could very well end up working at Burger King at age 36 for all I know. All the while thinking back "I could have been someone, I could have been a contender".

 

I'm simply... terrified... by my future.

[USMCHokie]

My brief recommendation would be to stop looking so far ahead in your life. It seems like you're thinking 3 years from now before you think about tomorrow...it will only add stress to an already stressful life with working and law schoolin'...which I wish I could have talked you out of before you made the jump...

 

You might have to dedicate social time into your schedule, even if at a sacrifice of your schoolwork. This is going to take concerted effort on your part to make changes in your life. Go to the gym. Go to a happy hour once a week. Go outside and play. Just make a change. Start small.

[ThaWholigan]

Attempting to expand your social circle is an option, but one maybe to consider a while away from how things are now. Look for people who invigorate a different feeling within you and attempt to reach out. Can use online methods to do so .

 

Continue receiving therapy and try to keep an objective mind. If you feel like you are losing yourself mentally and spiritually, try to find out ways to offset that, like meditating. I find that by watching my thoughts, they tend to slow down and eventually disappear. Just one way to try.

 

As for your career, you mention that you have switched majors 3 times. This indicates that you are in a state of flux about your future goals and aspirations. I understand that the economy is terrible right now, but I think that now is the perfect time to use whatever time you can muster up to educate yourself about finance and money. If books are hard to come by for you, you can search online for links and information about how to manage your money, investing etc. After your degree, you could even attempt to go self-employed! These are all options to consider.

 

Things may be looking bleak at the moment, but I guarantee you, there are a number of ways to improve your condition and get to a spot you are at least comfortable in. It's not easy, and I don't expect you to do it at the drop of a hat though. But try and look at things from a brighter view, if you can.

 

[jobaba]

I saw your post and felt like I had to answer it. I feel like you could be me.

 

I am a similar age and going through a career change. I already have a Masters degree from a program where some students did joint degrees with the law school there. A good deal of them have not been able to find jobs in either field! And it's a good law school ... top 50 I believe.

 

Back in 2008, I also a had a good paying job, a serious GF, and life was looking good. Things have been up and down since then and I've learned a lot about people and women.

 

The only law jobs that consume so much of your time are corporate law jobs which are difficult to get if you even want them. They will suck the life out of you.

 

The guitar playing will not help you with women. But do that for yourself. I also play ... 20 years. Gave lessons for a while. Wes Montgomery, Joe Pass, and all kinds of stuff. But music keeps passion in my life. Without it, I'd be done.

 

Here is my suggestion. Don't wait. Start looking for women now. I've learned a lot of people want this/that when they don't even have it themselves. The important thing is that you are motivated and doing stuff. You are working on bettering your career (law) and bettering your passion (music) instead of sitting on your throne on OKCupid with your bachelors degree and 60K job saying you want this and that type of person.

 

A woman will see that and appreciate that. It's not like you're sitting on your arse. It will happen for you and when it does, the right woman will be glad she chose you.

[CopingGal]

I suffer from depression and anxiety too. You want to talk about poor? I was not working and my roommate was making between 98 and 150 dollars a month. I've been poor most of my adult life. I live in a crappy town in which the newspaper comes out once a week and it had 2 job openings in it. That is all. At least you have wonderful memories to look back on. I cannot do that because my entire relationship was a lie. I have nothing but three years of lies with a man who tried to mentally and emotionally destroy me.

 

Do I want to finally date so I can finally concentrate on someone else? Yep. I want to go on the internet dating sites again..even just to talk to someone on the phone, as my very, very good friend passed away. The phone never rings for me. I spend each and every day alone and when my roommate comes home, he's usually in the room. My life is very painful and extremely boring.

 

But I'm not rushing anything. That's the way it is. I exercise, journal, go for walks and I'm trying to get over what happened to me.

 

My advise to you is to just keep on keeping on. Keep on healing. Law school is sooo tough. You don't need to be in a relationship if you are not ready for it and I don't think you're ready for it. Seems like you have a lot more healing to do.

[Mr Scorpio]

My brief recommendation would be to stop looking so far ahead in your life. It seems like you're thinking 3 years from now before you think about tomorrow...it will only add stress to an already stressful life with working and law schoolin'...which I wish I could have talked you out of before you made the jump...

 

With the school, I really felt like I didn't have much of a choice. I have a virtually worthless undergrad degree (political science), the school is fifteen minutes from home and offered me a good scholarship. Alas, that boat has sailed.

 

But yes, many other people have advised me to stop looking so far ahead. And I agree with them, my problem is that I'm looking both behind at what was and ahead at what could have been. I don't get any enjoyment out of my life right now, so I suppose that is why I'm looking ahead.

[KathyM]

I think it's great that you're going after such a lucrative career. Hang in there and be optimistic about your future in that respect. As far as dating, I see no reason to hold off your dating life. You obviously want companionship, just like most people, so go after that. You don't need to have your career all set or your weight perfect, or any other perfect scenario before trying to date. Go after what you want--I see no reason you should wait on that.

[El Brujo]

Relax, Mr. Scorpio... everyone I know who went to college suffered some level of culture shock when they learned that life off campus is a totally different ballgame where a lot of things don't happen like they should.

 

But if you really have hit bottom, the only way to go is up.

[USMCHokie]

With the school, I really felt like I didn't have much of a choice. I have a virtually worthless undergrad degree (political science), the school is fifteen minutes from home and offered me a good scholarship. Alas, that boat has sailed.

 

Got it. It's not that a law degree is worthless per se, but it doesn't hold the same power it used to, and it won't be rainbows and butterflies when you finish with job opportunites at every corner. I finished up 3 years ago and I honestly feel my class was the last to make it out with reasonable career prospects across the board. But good on you for making yourself better. Just remember that you're accumulating living and tuition costs right now without the income to make up for it...

 

But yes, many other people have advised me to stop looking so far ahead. And I agree with them, my problem is that I'm looking both behind at what was and ahead at what could have been. I don't get any enjoyment out of my life right now, so I suppose that is why I'm looking ahead.

 

You should read the short book Candide, by Voltaire...everything happens for the best, and you should avoid looking too deeply at your past. Everything happened as it did, and there's nothing you can do to change that. You're lacking the enjoyment in your life because you're constantly comparing your life to this mythical life you think you should be living, and anything that doesn't match it, you consider a failure. Failure is not motivating.

[CopingGal]

With the school, I really felt like I didn't have much of a choice. I have a virtually worthless undergrad degree (political science), the school is fifteen minutes from home and offered me a good scholarship. Alas, that boat has sailed.

 

But yes, many other people have advised me to stop looking so far ahead. And I agree with them, my problem is that I'm looking both behind at what was and ahead at what could have been. I don't get any enjoyment out of my life right now, so I suppose that is why I'm looking ahead.

 

Mr. Scorpio, I don't get a lot of enjoyment out of life. That's why I eat too much, but I'm getting better with my eating. I'm stuck in this crappy tiny town with no money, nothing to do, hardly any friends and a very broken heart. But one thing that helps a great deal is doing humanitarian work. I love it so much. That's what keeps me from losing my friggin' mind.

[darkmoon]

"The therapist simply tries to reassure me that things will work out."

 

you need a therapist who is a bit more skilled, try cognitive therapy makes you see life differently, and ask for a refund from your current useless therapist who talks like a ffteen year old

[Mr Scorpio]

"The therapist simply tries to reassure me that things will work out."

 

you need a therapist who is a bit more skilled, try cognitive therapy makes you see life differently, and ask for a refund from your current useless therapist who talks like a ffteen year old

 

Perhaps, but I dont know how wise starting over would be after I've already invested money anyhow. I view the therapy as an investment in myself, because if I continue along my current path, I don't imagine I'll have anything other than my current memories to look back on. Thank you for the reply.

[carhill]

Perhaps, but I dont know how wise starting over would be after I've already invested money anyhow.

 

Entertain a different potential. This therapy was a starting point. One step along the path. There are other steps, other potentials, other tools to learn. Different therapists specialize in different methods and tools.

 

IMO, each moment in life is a crossroads of sorts. One has thrust upon them a myriad of choices. We take the tools we've learned and apply them to the essence of who we are and push forward.

 

IME with MC, the barometer I used, regardless of how angry, hurt or frustrated I became within those walls, was 'did I learn something and walk out feeling more positive about that and life in general'. As the answer was, during over a year of MC, 'yes', we continued. When the process had run its course, as our MC stated, 'it's time to make a decision'. That was his way of stating he had given us the tools he had available and the next move was up to us.

 

IMO, you have a lot to be thankful for. You have the intelligence to achieve in law school; you have the creativity and skill to play music. You have the compassion to actively care for/visit your disabled father. You have the self-awareness to seek help for what you perceive to be an issue limiting your growth in life. Lots of gifts. Man, gifts are good. Cherish them. It's all over much too soon.

[Mr Scorpio]

You're lacking the enjoyment in your life because you're constantly comparing your life to this mythical life you think you should be living, and anything that doesn't match it, you consider a failure. Failure is not motivating.

 

This is starting to trend off-topic, but I think for me the future has a little more to do with it than the past. Like you said, job opportunities are not going to be plentyful when I finish -- at age 36. The combination of poor job prospects, poor esteem in dating, and the inevitable future of supporting my father is a lot to carry all while trying to survive law school.

 

Of course, when summed up, it is the fear of failure, and as you said above in the bolded portion.

[oldshirt]

I'm 48 Mr Scorpio and I was in and out of school over the years and I have remained in the same industry but change positions and titles a number of times over the years and I too became frustrated a number of times over matters of love and career and home life.

 

But here's a couple snippets from own experiences that I'll share.

 

One fall I was completely alone and single and I went to a halloween party we held at work one night. I drank too much and started hitting on a gal that worked in another department I had met very briefly for a cpl minutes a week earlier. We ended up making out passionately and having some pretty intense conversation (for two drunks anyway) untill 5 in the morning. Two days later while I was trying to summon up the courage to call her, she called me and we set up a date for the following weekend.

 

We ended up making out and talking about life untill the wee hours of the morning on that date and we kept seeing each other and were together for the next 5 years. (we eventually split up for a variety of reasons but it was good and healthy while it lasted)

 

On another occasion, a gal that I worked with told me that this young beautiful hottie had asked her about me and told me that I should ask her out. We got off work at 11 at night and we just drove to a park and talked till 4 in the morning. the next weekend I got injured at work, had surgery, was in the hospital a couple days and then got sent home to live on the couch with an ice bag. When I got so I could walk again, Ms Hottie would bring me food from work when she got off work at 11. We ended up talking short little moonlight walks as part of my 'rehab.'

 

- We got married two years later and now have been married 17 years and have two children.

 

Professionally, I was at work one day when a coworker came in and told me a nearby community college was going to start a new program and would I be interested in helping out with teaching the program on weekends. I said sure why not.

 

- A year later I was asked to head the program and I became the coordinator.

 

 

I could go on and on but you get the point. And that point is your life changes in day and sometimes even in a moment.

 

I know countless couples that got drunk at a party, banged one out in an empty bedroom and got married a year later and lived happily ever after.

 

I know countless couples that someone took a chance and asked out the cute gal with the nice smile down in accounting.

 

I know countless couples that went out for a drink or grabbed a coffee after a class in college and never stopped grabbing a bite together at the end of the day.

 

Life doesn't need to be complex and planned out and things don't need years and years for things to develop. More often that not opportunities happen in a moment. All you need to do is seize the moment and take the opportunity.

[oldshirt]

 

You're lacking the enjoyment in your life because you're constantly comparing your life to this mythical life you think you should be living, and anything that doesn't match it, you consider a failure. Failure is not motivating.

 

Yep. Life is right now. It is in the moment.

 

Sure it's good to set yourself up for potential betterment in the future but life's gonna happen regardless of how you want it to or think it "should."

 

Your life is nothing but an accumulation of a gazillion moments in time. The more moments you seize the more life pleasure you will experience. The more you compare how things are in the moment to what you think it "should" be in the future, the more frustration and dissatifaction you will feel.

[oldshirt]

 

One fall I was completely alone and single and I went to a halloween party we held at work one night. I drank too much and started hitting on a gal that worked in another department I had met very briefly for a cpl minutes a week earlier. We ended up making out passionately and having some pretty intense conversation (for two drunks anyway) untill 5 in the morning. Two days later while I was trying to summon up the courage to call her, she called me and we set up a date for the following weekend.

 

 

 

We ended up making out and talking about life untill the wee hours of the morning on that date and we kept seeing each other and were together for the next 5 years. (we eventually split up for a variety of reasons but it was good and healthy while it lasted)

 

 

 

 

 

I should probably add that it is highly likely that I made a drunken @$$ of myself and pissed off or offended 15 other women that night.

 

This particular gal stuck. But that's how it usually works.

 

Go to youtube and watch the video, "Dan Savage on Dating After High School." The specific instances he talks about in the video are a little over the top but the concept is very much on the money.

 

The point is what I said, you can meet someone and click in an instant and sometimes its a sleazy and sordid and less than ideal situation under which you come together in.

 

On that point I kind of agree with your therapist. Things have a way of working themselves out if you allow them to.

[Mr Scorpio]

On that point I kind of agree with your therapist. Things have a way of working themselves out if you allow them to.

 

First, thank you for your replies. In regard to the therapist, the point he is trying to embed in my mind isn't that things will work out if I allow them to. Rather, he is trying to assure me that my efforts in lawschool will not go unrewarded.

 

He has also advised me against dating while I'm in school for the next three years! Having plenty of time to study is one thing, but being single -- and at times lonely -- for five years (counting my current two year dry streak)? That is part of what I'm trying to ask about in this thread.

 

As well as how I can expect to attract women at my age (32) when I'm living off student loans and have a terrible job market awaiting me.

[oldshirt]

.

 

He has also advised me against dating while I'm in school for the next three years! Having plenty of time to study is one thing, but being single -- and at times lonely -- for five years (counting my current two year dry streak)? That is part of what I'm trying to ask about in this thread.

 

As well as how I can expect to attract women at my age (32) when I'm living off student loans and have a terrible job market awaiting me.

 

OK, I want you to do a little exercise. I want you to leave the house and walk around town, take a stroll through the park, walk through the mall, go up and down the aisles of the grocery store, go to the beach, go to the casino, go a concert.

 

Now open your eyes up real wide and really look around you. See how many couples you see? How many couples do you see walking hand in hand or talking to each other having a nice time?

 

Now, how many of those men are practicing lawyers??????

 

How many of those men are college graduates?????

 

How many of those men have lucrative, high-paying careers????

 

According your logic, all women should be single and waiting outside the gates of law schools for the next available lawyer to come walking out the gate with his law degree in hand and every man that is not a practicing lawyer should just learn to enjoy intimacy with his right hand untill he gets out of law school.

 

CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Look around you. How many F'd up people have F'd up lives and still date, still get out and have fun, still have passion and intimacy in their lives and still have nice girlfriends and good wives etc etc?

 

IF YOU WAIT UNTILL LIFE IS PERFECT AND ON TRACK BEFORE YOU ENJOY IT, YOU WILL SPEND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WAITING AND NEVER ENJOYING A DAY OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mr Scorpio]

Valid point. It isn't so much that I feel like being a lawyer or having a highly-lucrative career are essential to being worthy of a relationship. Lawschool is simply the path I have chosen.

 

Rather, it is the idea that, at my age, I "should" be able to afford my own place, to go out on the weekends, etc. As for people with F'd up lives who still get to date and have passion/intimacy in their lives etc, I personally know zero of them. My family/most of my friends lead such lives, and we are all perpetually single.

 

Still, I think your point is valid.