Oneitus - how to get over it

[dmmm]

(For those that don’t know what it is oneitus is having a massive crush on one person and believing she is the one and the only one.)

 

Well I’ve had it for about 5 years.

 

I have no other friends/family to rely on to snap me out of it. No social life. I’m a recluse.

 

I just can’t stop thinking about her 24/7. Even though I know we’ll never be together. Sometimes we talk a lot on MSN which is great. But then when I don’t talk to her I just can’t function.

 

I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I want to stay friends with her as like I said she’s the only person I talk to.

[MrCastle]

My suggestion is to break off contact with her and move on. It'll be hard for the first month or so, maybe more--but at least you'll break free of this emotional torture.

 

The cure for oneitis is meeting other women. The more women you meet, the more you'll realize they're just people and they're not as special as you thought they were.

[Silly_Girl]

(For those that don’t know what it is oneitus is having a massive crush on one person and believing she is the one and the only one.)

 

Well I’ve had it for about 5 years.

 

I have no other friends/family to rely on to snap me out of it. No social life. I’m a recluse.

 

I just can’t stop thinking about her 24/7. Even though I know we’ll never be together. Sometimes we talk a lot on MSN which is great. But then when I don’t talk to her I just can’t function.

 

I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I want to stay friends with her as like I said she’s the only person I talk to.

 

This seems a bit bizarre - to have lasted so long. What exactly does she have that presumably no one else has, that makes her so spectacular?

[fortyninethousand322]

(For those that don’t know what it is oneitus is having a massive crush on one person and believing she is the one and the only one.)

 

Well I’ve had it for about 5 years.

 

I have no other friends/family to rely on to snap me out of it. No social life. I’m a recluse.

 

I just can’t stop thinking about her 24/7. Even though I know we’ll never be together. Sometimes we talk a lot on MSN which is great. But then when I don’t talk to her I just can’t function.

 

I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I want to stay friends with her as like I said she’s the only person I talk to.

 

I honestly don't know the answer either. I'm going on 4 years come November of having oneitis. In fact I just had a very vivid dream about the girl two nights ago.

 

Some people say that breaking off contact with the person lessens the pain. I'm not so sure. I've been out of contact with the girl since August 2010 (she moved to another country) and I'm still obsessed (I log into MSN even though I don't use it anymore just to see if she's online though she never is).

 

Good luck to you.

[jakelongot]

OP...follow my advice in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/337384-100-proven-method-attract-women

 

You need to fill your life with more people, activities and hobbies. The only way to get over oneitus is not focus on that person. This will happen naturally as you open yourself to more things.

[dmmm]

This seems a bit bizarre - to have lasted so long. What exactly does she have that presumably no one else has, that makes her so spectacular?

 

What she has mainly is she's the ONLY person I talk to. We do get along well when she isn't distracted with talking to others but mainly it is she literally is the ONLY person in my life. I don't even want to date her as I know she'd drive me crazy.

 

Being so reclusive I just don't meet other people. Even online I can't find a place to meet people to just talk.

[dmmm]

OP...follow my advice in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/337384-100-proven-method-attract-women

 

You need to fill your life with more people, activities and hobbies. The only way to get over oneitus is not focus on that person. This will happen naturally as you open yourself to more things.

 

I have read that thread before and thought it was great advice. Just so hard for me to start it from where I am/ how I am. I just fail miserably at all three processes.

 

Like I said I don't focus on dating her, it's just she's literally the ONE person in my life.

[dmmm]

I honestly don't know the answer either. I'm going on 4 years come November of having oneitis. In fact I just had a very vivid dream about the girl two nights ago.

 

Some people say that breaking off contact with the person lessens the pain. I'm not so sure. I've been out of contact with the girl since August 2010 (she moved to another country) and I'm still obsessed (I log into MSN even though I don't use it anymore just to see if she's online though she never is).

 

Good luck to you.

 

It's horrible isn't it

[dmmm]

My suggestion is to break off contact with her and move on. It'll be hard for the first month or so, maybe more--but at least you'll break free of this emotional torture.

 

The cure for oneitis is meeting other women. The more women you meet, the more you'll realize they're just people and they're not as special as you thought they were.

 

If I break contact with her I have nobody at all to talk to..Literally nobody will call etc.

[jakelongot]

I have read that thread before and thought it was great advice. Just so hard for me to start it from where I am/ how I am. I just fail miserably at all three processes.

 

Like I said I don't focus on dating her, it's just she's literally the ONE person in my life.

 

There is your problem. Let's start simply:

 

what do you do for work?

do you live with your parents? roomates? alone?

What hobbies/activities do you currently enjoy doing?

What hobbies/activities have you ever considered participating in (no matter how far fetched)?

Do you work out/go to the gym?

Do you play any sports?

Do you have any family near you? Is there a particular sibling you are especially close with?

Do you have a regular bar/restaurant/club/coffee shop you frequent?

 

Be honest and answer the questions. We will move on from there...

[fortyninethousand322]

It's horrible isn't it

 

Yes extremely. I would literally do anything to have her back in my life.

 

It's crazy because she was so obviously not into me "that way". But nonetheless I'm still in love with her.

[yongyong]

Bang another chick. she will be gone like a wind in your mind.

[dmmm]

There is your problem. Let's start simply:

 

what do you do for work?

do you live with your parents? roomates? alone?

What hobbies/activities do you currently enjoy doing?

What hobbies/activities have you ever considered participating in (no matter how far fetched)?

Do you work out/go to the gym?

Do you play any sports?

Do you have any family near you? Is there a particular sibling you are especially close with?

Do you have a regular bar/restaurant/club/coffee shop you frequent?

 

Be honest and answer the questions. We will move on from there...

 

Hi

Thanks for taking the time for me here

 

what do you do for work?

 

Work from home in a contact-less job

 

do you live with your parents? roomates? alone?

 

alone

 

What hobbies/activities do you currently enjoy doing?

 

Literally nothing

 

What hobbies/activities have you ever considered participating in (no matter how far fetched)?

 

I'm just not interested in anything

 

Do you work out/go to the gym?

 

I've got some health problems so can't really do sports/gym etc.

 

Do you play any sports?

 

As above

 

Do you have any family near you? Is there a particular sibling you are especially close with?

 

None in this city

 

Do you have a regular bar/restaurant/club/coffee shop you frequent?

 

No. I rarely go out other than supermarket.

 

I've been honest here. I sound very boring I know!

[jakelongot]

Hi

Thanks for taking the time for me here

 

what do you do for work?

 

Work from home in a contact-less job

 

do you live with your parents? roomates? alone?

 

alone

 

What hobbies/activities do you currently enjoy doing?

 

Literally nothing

 

What hobbies/activities have you ever considered participating in (no matter how far fetched)?

 

I'm just not interested in anything

 

Do you work out/go to the gym?

 

I've got some health problems so can't really do sports/gym etc.

 

Do you play any sports?

 

As above

 

Do you have any family near you? Is there a particular sibling you are especially close with?

 

None in this city

 

Do you have a regular bar/restaurant/club/coffee shop you frequent?

 

No. I rarely go out other than supermarket.

 

I've been honest here. I sound very boring I know!

 

 

Think about it this way. Even if tomorrow you woke up and your crush decided she wanted to give you a shot in dating, do you think that her interest would last long with a guy who likes to do nothing and has no plans of ever doing anything? Realistically, that is not going to be attractive to any girl.

 

At this point I would be less concerned about dating any girl and more concerned about working on yourself. You need to try to add some diversity to your life because at this point there doesn't seem to be much filling it other than your focus on this girl, which is a very unhealthy place to be mentally.

 

I find it a little hard to believe you have no hobbies. What do you do during the average day? Go to work, come home, watch tv and go to bed? What do you do on the weekend? What are some recent memories you have of being happy and having fun? What were they? Worst case scenario you could always jump on meetup.com. Great site where people get together and do various things from sports to hobbies to public speaking and self improvement. Considering you like nothing, you might have to just try a few things.

 

I will tell you this though, you are on a slippery slope unless you commit to some kind of change because one day you will wake up and 15 years will have gone by and you will do anything to have your youth back to try some things you never got a chance to. Don't do it to yourself. I would hate to see that happen.

[dmmm]

Think about it this way. Even if tomorrow you woke up and your crush decided she wanted to give you a shot in dating, do you think that her interest would last long with a guy who likes to do nothing and has no plans of ever doing anything? Realistically, that is not going to be attractive to any girl.

 

At this point I would be less concerned about dating any girl and more concerned about working on yourself. You need to try to add some diversity to your life because at this point there doesn't seem to be much filling it other than your focus on this girl, which is a very unhealthy place to be mentally.

 

I find it a little hard to believe you have no hobbies. What do you do during the average day? Go to work, come home, watch tv and go to bed? What do you do on the weekend? What are some recent memories you have of being happy and having fun? What were they? Worst case scenario you could always jump on meetup.com. Great site where people get together and do various things from sports to hobbies to public speaking and self improvement. Considering you like nothing, you might have to just try a few things.

 

I will tell you this though, you are on a slippery slope unless you commit to some kind of change because one day you will wake up and 15 years will have gone by and you will do anything to have your youth back to try some things you never got a chance to. Don't do it to yourself. I would hate to see that happen.

 

Thanks again jakelongot

 

That post has really made things clear to me what I already knew, but seeing it there written by someone else really brings it hope, especially the parts i've put in bold.

 

To answer your question. I watch tv. all day. Not because I particularity like tv. It's just I have nothing else to do.

 

I know very well that I have nothing really to offer a girl, any girl at the minute

 

I know having nothing makes focusing on that one girl so impossible to avoid.

 

And I know, more and more each day that I am on a slippery slope to massive regrets and the only way I can fix it is to commit to making some significant changes to my life.

 

I've known this for quite some time now. Knowing it and doing something about it is where I struggle and just give up I suppose.

[venusianx13]

My heart breaks for you, OP...

 

The Buddha says, "The trouble is that you think you have time." You don't. None of us do. Any one of us could perish tomorrow...including you. Please don't do this to yourself anymore; please stop wasting your precious human life. You have a meaningless relationship with an object - a television. It's your window into the world. The world outside is beautiful and scary. It is full of unknowns, but also full of love. Life slips quickly by, OP... the only medicine to your dilemma is to LIVE, and LIVE WELL.

[jakelongot]

Thanks again jakelongot

 

That post has really made things clear to me what I already knew, but seeing it there written by someone else really brings it hope, especially the parts i've put in bold.

 

To answer your question. I watch tv. all day. Not because I particularity like tv. It's just I have nothing else to do.

 

I know very well that I have nothing really to offer a girl, any girl at the minute

 

I know having nothing makes focusing on that one girl so impossible to avoid.

 

And I know, more and more each day that I am on a slippery slope to massive regrets and the only way I can fix it is to commit to making some significant changes to my life.

 

I've known this for quite some time now. Knowing it and doing something about it is where I struggle and just give up I suppose.

 

Just curious OP, how old are you?

 

Even though it seems like life sucks today, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom until you recognize there is a problem and you need to commit to serious change in your life. Recognition is a huge step, but only if you are completely honest with yourself. Don't give yourself any excuses or wait until tomorrow to start. YOU NEED TO BEGIN NOW.

 

If you are truly committed to change you need to compile a list of goals of what you want for yourself. They need to be attainable and not unrealistic. The worst thing you can do is set the bar too high at first, fail and then give up. Set small goals along the way as checkpoint along the path of where you want to be.

 

Don't overdue it right away. This will take time. Try some small goals at first to get the ball rolling...join a gym, make a meetup.com membership, trivia nights at local bars, softball/kickball/frisbee golf pickup/leagues, bni networking groups, local happy hour spot, online dating...really anything that involves more people. Small victories like popping your head in for a drink or registering on an online site or going to an info meeting can make you feel a little bit better and get the ball rolling. If you keep just making the right decisions then there doesn't need to be some intricate strategy you will naturally get where you going. Just don't expect too much too fast...be patient.

[somedude81]

Meh, I've been exactly where you are but the girl who was my one and only has been out of my life since November of last year.

 

There is nobody I talk to or hang out with. Not a friend in the world. And yeah it sucks.

 

Best thing you can do is try to make new friends, that way when she does disappear, you wouldn't be completely alone.

 

One question, why don't you want to date her and have you tried to do anything?

[dmmm]

Just curious OP, how old are you?

 

Even though it seems like life sucks today, sometimes you need to hit rock bottom until you recognize there is a problem and you need to commit to serious change in your life. Recognition is a huge step, but only if you are completely honest with yourself. Don't give yourself any excuses or wait until tomorrow to start. YOU NEED TO BEGIN NOW.

 

If you are truly committed to change you need to compile a list of goals of what you want for yourself. They need to be attainable and not unrealistic. The worst thing you can do is set the bar too high at first, fail and then give up. Set small goals along the way as checkpoint along the path of where you want to be.

 

Don't overdue it right away. This will take time. Try some small goals at first to get the ball rolling...join a gym, make a meetup.com membership, trivia nights at local bars, softball/kickball/frisbee golf pickup/leagues, bni networking groups, local happy hour spot, online dating...really anything that involves more people. Small victories like popping your head in for a drink or registering on an online site or going to an info meeting can make you feel a little bit better and get the ball rolling. If you keep just making the right decisions then there doesn't need to be some intricate strategy you will naturally get where you going. Just don't expect too much too fast...be patient.

 

I'm almost 28.

 

Yeah I know I shouldn't be putting it off till tomorrow. But I did that yesterday and I know I'll do it tomorrow. I see all this advice and it all makes perfect sense to me and I think yeah I can do that, that'll help etc. But then I just don't do anything. Just pure inertia. But still I believe my life will somehow miraculously change for the better.

 

I'm going to work on setting some goals today and even go so far as to write how to achieve them. But even here, I don't know what goals to set myself to get me to actually change my life.

 

Yet everyday I have the thought in my head that life is short etc. Just like venusianx13 said. Then everyday I proceed in wasting that day.

[dmmm]

Meh, I've been exactly where you are but the girl who was my one and only has been out of my life since November of last year.

 

There is nobody I talk to or hang out with. Not a friend in the world. And yeah it sucks.

 

Best thing you can do is try to make new friends, that way when she does disappear, you wouldn't be completely alone.

 

One question, why don't you want to date her and have you tried to do anything?

 

Hey somedude

 

I've read a lot of your threads and see so many similarities in our lives.

 

Yeah, that's my biggest fear with her, her leaving my life and me being left alone obsessed with the memory of her. To be honest I wouldn't mind being alone so much if it wasn't for this exact fear. If I had never met her I'd be alone without the obsession and massive crush on her. If that makes sense.

 

I wouldn't want to date her b/c I just can't see it working. As I've said I know very well I'm in no position to date a woman. I couldn't keep her interested with my boring life. Plus I know I would just turn into a very needy/clingy bf and drive myself crazy when I wasn't with her.

[Big Blue Box]

Hi

Thanks for taking the time for me here

 

what do you do for work?

 

Work from home in a contact-less job

 

do you live with your parents? roomates? alone?

 

alone

 

What hobbies/activities do you currently enjoy doing?

 

Literally nothing

 

What hobbies/activities have you ever considered participating in (no matter how far fetched)?

 

I'm just not interested in anything

 

Do you work out/go to the gym?

 

I've got some health problems so can't really do sports/gym etc.

 

Do you play any sports?

 

As above

 

Do you have any family near you? Is there a particular sibling you are especially close with?

 

None in this city

 

Do you have a regular bar/restaurant/club/coffee shop you frequent?

 

No. I rarely go out other than supermarket.

 

I've been honest here. I sound very boring I know!

 

Then you had better get a few hobbies and a few friends rather than staying to yourself. Women hate that in men because men like you are always very clingy. If you don't go anywhere then how are you going to have any kind of excitement with any girlfriend? Dating is the process to get to know one another and by not going anywhere other than occasional shopping then she will dump you and go with a guy that is more exciting. Since you only have 2 years till you are 30 you had better change and fast, otherwise it will be too late. I hate to say it but it is the truth.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Big Blue Box

[LC1976]

Take up a hobby or two. Reconnect with old friends. When my ex of 6 yrs left me I was devastated. I didn’t date for two years hoping she would come back. But during that time I started doing Brazilian Jiujitsu and it changed my life. I dropped 40lbs and started to get stronger mentally and physically. I made a ton of new friends and my outlook started to change as well.

 

Find something you always wanted to do and DO IT!!

[jakelongot]

I'm almost 28.

 

Yeah I know I shouldn't be putting it off till tomorrow. But I did that yesterday and I know I'll do it tomorrow. I see all this advice and it all makes perfect sense to me and I think yeah I can do that, that'll help etc. But then I just don't do anything. Just pure inertia. But still I believe my life will somehow miraculously change for the better.

 

I'm going to work on setting some goals today and even go so far as to write how to achieve them. But even here, I don't know what goals to set myself to get me to actually change my life.

 

Yet everyday I have the thought in my head that life is short etc. Just like venusianx13 said. Then everyday I proceed in wasting that day.

 

Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Ultimately it is on your shoulders if you want to change. Honestly, your last post makes it seem like you are ready to throw a pitty party for yourself. Unfortunately, I am not here to be your cheerleader. You need to make a conscious decision on your own that you want to get your **** together. You are 28. Step up, be a man and take control of your life.

 

Don't wait until things are perfect or draw up some meticulous plan of how you are going to achieve your goals. Realistically, once you are in the middle of making these life changes your plan is going to change any way. Start with some small victories like I mentioned in my other posts to start the ball rolling and gain momentum. Once you are moving in the right direction, everything else becomes a lot easier. Or you can do the same thing over and over again and wake up one day when you are 35 and wonder where the last 7 years of your life went. Believe it or not, at least 50% of people in the US have a much more enjoyable 28-35 than 21-28

[venusianx13]

I think you perhaps intellectually understand the idea of wasting precious time, but you have not truly embodied it or mixed with the emotions that the concept should stir up.

 

I think you should consider devoting some of your time to helping others in need. It will give you a boost of self-confidence and will give your life meaning.

[venusianx13]

PS- You'll also stop feeling sorry for yourself.