New boyfriend with really annoying ex

[reptilelover88]

So, I'm dating a new guy and I'm very, very happy. We have many things in common and he treats me well. I'm excited about this relationship.

 

The only fly in the ointment is his ex. He dated her for a year back in 2010 and she was his only girlfriend before me (we're both in our early 20s). They split up when she moved to a different continent, where she now lives. This girl treated him really badly. She was very emotionally and verbally abusive and once lied about having terminal cancer to get attention from him. He loved her but hated the way she treated him, so he thought it was for the best when they broke up.

 

They have stayed in touch sporadically over Facebook and Skype, though they haven't seen each other for a year. Recently she has been having a very difficult time with her health and family, so he has been supporting her. I don't have a problem with that in principle. I feel secure with him, and I'm not threatened by her or jealous of his past.

 

However, since we announced our relationship on Facebook she has been posting A LOT on his wall and demanding that he call her. She often posts private jokes or hints that his relationship with me is somehow wrong or bad. He 'likes' these posts, replies, and also 'likes' her photos. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm happy with them talking in principle but I feel like she's being bitchy and manipulative. He insists 'oh no, she's just having a rough time' but I think it's no coincidence that she's suddenly come out of the woodwork now that he has a new girlfriend! He said that if I asked him to choose, he would choose me, but that he wouldn't be very happy about my asking him to.

 

Anyway, the latest thing (announced publicly on Facebook... of course!) is that his ex is flying to our city in a few weeks' time. This is a long journey for her and she hasn't visited recently. Now I am starting to feel really threatened. She is very unstable (multiple suicide attempts, etc) and I'm worried that she is emotionally manipulating my boyfriend. He can't seem to see it because 'part of him will always love her' and he's a very caring type.

 

What should I do? Should I bring it up with him again? He does seem to genuinely love me but I'm concerned about him having such a manipulative, unstable ex in his life. It's not that I fear he'll go back to her; more that I feel like they're both being disrespectful towards me.

Edited October 19, 2012 by reptilelover88
Adding more information

[InJest]

Don't tell him to choose. Choose for him. Break up with him, and just say you're not comfortable with his contact with his ex. Say you didn't want to make him choose between the two of you, so you would rather end the relationship. If he decides to drop her completely, then consider taking him back. Otherwise, you know where he stood all along, and you've dodged a bullet.

[geegirl]

She often posts private jokes or hints that his relationship with me is somehow wrong or bad. He 'likes' these posts, replies, and...

 

I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behavior. He's condoning her disrespect for your relationship by engaging in it when he should be defending you and the relationship.

[veggirl]

Don't tell him to choose. Choose for him. Break up with him, and just say you're not comfortable with his contact with his ex. Say you didn't want to make him choose between the two of you, so you would rather end the relationship. If he decides to drop her completely, then consider taking him back. Otherwise, you know where he stood all along, and you've dodged a bullet.

 

I agree with this completely. Bail now. He has an unhealthy relationship with his ex.

 

First of all, I would question the judgement of ANYONE who is still "friends" with their abusive ex. He is still attached to her, he still likes the crazy. Huge red flag.

 

Second of all, liking posts that are subtle digs at your relationship? How disrespectful. He shouldn't be liking that stuff, he should be a) defending you and then b) deleting her.

 

You are worried she is "emotionally manipulating" him? You should be worried that he is still actively allowing a woman who abused him in his life.

[pteromom]

Tell him that if he wishes to be friends with her, that's his choice. All you ask is that if she wants to see him at all during her visit, that you see her as a COUPLE since you don't trust her intentions.

 

I don't think that is too much to ask.

 

I wouldn't worry about what she posts on Facebook. I would become her FB friend too, since she is a friend of your boyfriend's.

[reptilelover88]

Thanks for the responses so far. You see, the thing is, I love this man. We're both very stubborn. He is unwilling to give up contact with his ex (not least because he's worried she'll kill herself); I'm unwilling to accept this situation. He called her 10 minutes after we officially got together, so what's to say he won't see her when she comes to visit our city? I respect his independence but this is really getting to me.

[InJest]

How did things go from, "dating a new guy" to,"I'm in love with this man"??

 

He is definitely going to see her when she comes to visit. I didn't think that was even in question from what you wrote.

 

The reality, is that you are willing to graciously accept this situation. What are you going to do if he does go see her? Absolutely nothing. You're a pushover, and clearly not first choice. Sounds to me like you're just scared of being alone, because any secure person would not accept this behavior. You deserve every bit of misery that you're going through now, and the misery that is to come, because you accept it.

[phineas]

This is why I refuse to take women who are in contact with ex's (especially ex's they claim treated them badly) seriously & just have fun with them.

 

They are not worth emotional investment & are just plain disrespectful.

[veggirl]

Thanks for the responses so far. You see, the thing is, I love this man. We're both very stubborn. He is unwilling to give up contact with his ex (not least because he's worried she'll kill herself); I'm unwilling to accept this situation. He called her 10 minutes after we officially got together, so what's to say he won't see her when she comes to visit our city? I respect his independence but this is really getting to me.

 

PUHLEASE! She is NOT going to kill herself and he is full of s.hit when he tells you that is his concern. What a pitiful excuse!

 

And, if they only are in touch "sporadically" why did he call her 10 min after you became a couple?

 

I'm confused as to why you say you are unwilling to accept this situation, it doesn't seem like you are actually going to do anything about it, so it looks like you are accepting it to me. Which is a huge mistake btw.

 

Of course he will see her when she comes to your city.

 

How long have you guys been together?

[VeveCakes]

WHY would he "like" those statuses? This is your bf? How hurtful and disrespectful. He obviously could care less that she is rude to you. Ditch this guy.

[Quiet Storm]

The suicide attempts, lying about cancer, manipulation...she sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

If she wants your BF back, she won't let go like a normal person would. She will try every trick in the book to get him back, and if it doesn't work, she will feel abandoned. That abandoned feeling will cause her to act out and do crazy things to get his attention.

 

The best thing he can do is just cut her off. Any type of attention AT ALL, negative or positive, will satisfy her in a sick kind of way.

 

I'd keep your eyes wide open with your boyfriend, too. It sounds like she may be playing damsel in distress, and some guys are attracted to troubled women because they like feeling needed. Crazy girls are known to be good in bed, too, because they will often do anything and everything to get validation and prove their love. I doubt he would want a relationship with her, but these types of women are known for their ability to sexually attract & seduce men.

 

You need to lay down some clear boundaries. Don't try to control him, just make it clear to him what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. If he cares about you, he will be considerate of your feelings and won't jeopardize your relationship.

[phineas]

The suicide attempts, lying about cancer, manipulation...she sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

 

And if any guy is still talking to a woman like this he's either retarded or not thinking with his big head.

[reptilelover88]

So I just returned from visiting my boyfriend at college and I have an update.

 

On the first night I was there his ex girlfriend called him in tears saying that she felt suicidal. He says that 'his sympathy is running out' but at the same time he doesn't feel he can abandon her after all the history they have together. He doesn't want to break off contact with her, but would if I insisted. He says 'don't make me choose'. I said that I can tolerate them being in touch so long as she doesn't rub it in my face by posting all over his Facebook wall - and so far, so good.

 

Then I did something I really shouldn't have done, which was look through his Facebook messages when he left it logged in. I wouldn't otherwise invade his privacy and I only looked at the messages from this one girl because I have no other concerns about his fidelity. Anyway, I discovered that they have been messaging each other sporadically up to the present day. His messages were very short and businesslike and he said nothing out of line. However, she has been saying 'I love you' (with no response from him) until a few weeks ago. I was really angry that she is still manipulating him like that. I think her behaviour is really inappropriate now that he is in a relationship with me. He didn't encourage it but didn't exactly tell her to stop either! We had a row about me checking his Facebook messages with her. He accepted my apology and the reasons why I did it, but told me never to do it again.

 

Finally, he says that he is going to see her when she comes to our city in a few weeks. He wants to catch up with her 'for old time's sake' and he also has some items to return to her. He says that since they will only meet during the daytime I shouldn't worry. However, I just feel like the whole thing is inappropriate. I suggested that I come along to their meeting but he refused because he said that my presence would make everyone miserable. I don't worry that he'll cheat (he says openly that she is nuts and I'm the only woman for him) but I'm really annoyed that she's manipulated him into meeting her. I don't see why he can't just post her items back to her, which after the way she treated him is all she deserves, in my opinion. I'm very happy with the other female friends in his life and in fact some of them are becoming my friends too. It's just this one ex who really bugs me.

 

I'm starting to feel like a bitchy, insecure girlfriend but I can't seem to put this aside especially given that they are going to meet again in a few weeks. What should I do?

[Jamesblame]

I think that you should accept that you cant change who he is as a person. Some people stay friends with their exes. Others don't. It's up to you if you can be with someone who is. It's clear that many people on here are not comfortable with it.

 

Overall, I think the relationship should be a priority...which means protecting your feelings when a "friend" insults you or the relationships. That being said, he should have boundaries with his ex and tell her that if she wants to be friends then she needs to be a friend and not throw anything romantic or sexual at him.

 

I am friends with exes mostly because a.) we rarely talk, b.) there is NO chemistry or romantic/sexual feelings for each other. Both of us were friends before getting into a relationship, friends afterwards, and both of us were totally not attracted and bored with our sex life when together. As such there's no issue of ever getting back together.

 

I wouldn't be in touch with her if she kept trying to get into a relationship with me. Especially if dating other women.

[darkmoon]

if she's suicidal she needs a doctor, your boyfriend is not in the best position to help her, she needs sedation - i think she's a clinging vine, she may spend her whole life acting pitiable it's working - but i bet she gets angry when challenged, she's the type - suddenly full of energy and not suicidal - in order to tell off the non-sympathetic, demading pity

 

she has family, your boyf must send her to them, in front of you

imho, you'll get your mojo back

he mother is probably schooling her in how to hang onto him

Edited October 25, 2012 by darkmoon

[Quiet Storm]

Ask your boyfriend why he wants to interact with a crazy girl. Let him read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. My sister has it and the way to stop the suicide threats is to call 911 when they threaten. Let the authorities handle it. Otherwise, the person learns that suicide threats get them attention and sympathy. These people feed off any attention, negative or positive. From her perspective, your boyfriends "businesslike" responses are still attention. They still give her hope. And she's not going to let him forget about her. Her tactic is working because now he is going to meet up with her. Next, she will try another common Borderline manipulation tactic: seduction.

 

I don't worry that he'll cheat (he says openly that she is nuts and I'm the only woman for him)

 

I personally think that you need to be worried that he'll cheat. Crazy girls are known for being good in bed, and she'll be doing her best to please him because she has a bigger goal in mind (getting him back). I think if he was totally done with her, he would not be meeting up with her at all. He would not be feeding her need for attention by responding to her messages. He's getting something out of this... it may just be ego strokes or maybe he likes feeling like a "savior", but something in their interaction is meeting a need in him. They probably have some unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics going on. As crazy as it sounds, those patterns can feel comforting to some people.

 

He may not realize the dynamics of these types, which is why I say to have him read up on Borderline PD. Her behavior fits that disorder. He needs to see that sympathy and attention will only feed the beast and cause her to feel more attached to him. It would be best for both of them if he would detach completely.

 

He describes her to you as nuts. He told about all the crazy things she did, family issues, suicide threats. You should come right out and ask him, "What benefit does she bring to your life? What are you getting out of this relationship with her?" If he says there is no benefit, then ask him what is prompting him to see her. If he says because he feels sorry for her, tell him that her well being is not his concern and that since she is mentally ill, the best thing he can do for her is to detach. It's not his job to be her comfort. If he says he's afraid she'll kill herself, tell him to call the authorities and she'll be put on a 72 hour hold and evaluated.

 

If after all that, he still says he's going to see her, I'd dump him because he's either cheating or just as nuts as she is.

[veggirl]

So I just returned from visiting my boyfriend at college and I have an update.

 

On the first night I was there his ex girlfriend called him in tears saying that she felt suicidal.

 

I thought you said they only speak “sporadically”. It sounds like they talk pretty often.

 

He says that 'his sympathy is running out' but at the same time he doesn't feel he can abandon her after all the history they have together. He doesn't want to break off contact with her, but would if I insisted. He says 'don't make me choose'. I said that I can tolerate them being in touch so long as she doesn't rub it in my face by posting all over his Facebook wall - and so far, so good.

 

And I would ask him “what about your history leaves you feeling so indebted to her? I thought you said she was miserable to be around”. Why does your boyfriend feel like he “owes” her anything? Do you feel like YOU need to be the shoulder for YOUR exes to cry on? I know I don’t.

 

If he hates her so much and she is so psycho, why does he not want to break off contact with her? Seriously? He is actively disrespecting you and you are allowing it. He is turning it around on YOU with the “don’t make me choose”.

 

I wouldn't otherwise invade his privacy and I only looked at the messages from this one girl because I have no other concerns about his fidelity.

 

But you said you are not concerned about his fidelity. Don’t worry, no one here is gonna blame you for being concerned, you absolutely should be! No point denying it, really.

 

Anyway, I discovered that they have been messaging each other sporadically up to the present day. His messages were very short and businesslike and he said nothing out of line. However, she has been saying 'I love you' (with no response from him) until a few weeks ago.

 

Again, how often is “sporadically”?

And she tells him ILY and he says NOTHING?! He doesn’t say “hey, I have a girlfriend, quit it” ?!?!?!?!?! Wow!

 

I was really angry that she is still manipulating him like that. I think her behaviour is really inappropriate now that he is in a relationship with me.

 

I think your anger is quite misplaced. I think HIS behavior is really inappropriate now that he is in a relationship with you. Why don’t you blame him at all? He ALLOWS this to continue, in fact he actively ENCOURAGES it.

 

He didn't encourage it but didn't exactly tell her to stop either!

 

That is encouraging it.

 

Finally, he says that he is going to see her when she comes to our city in a few weeks. He wants to catch up with her 'for old time's sake' and he also has some items to return to her. He says that since they will only meet during the daytime I shouldn't worry.

However, I just feel like the whole thing is inappropriate.

 

It’s VERY inappropriate. Why are you putting up with it?

 

I suggested that I come along to their meeting but he refused because he said that my presence would make everyone miserable.

 

WOW!!!! Your presence would make your boyfriend miserable! What a charmer.

 

I don't worry that he'll cheat (he says openly that she is nuts and I'm the only woman for him) but I'm really annoyed that she's manipulated him into meeting her.

 

You should worry he will cheat. He probably will. If she was so “nuts” and you were the only woman for him, he would be trying to make YOU happy, NOT HER!

 

I don't see why he can't just post her items back to her

 

Because then he can’t see her.

 

You aren’t bitchy. You are insecure (otherwise you wouldn’t put up with this) but not bitchy. Your boyfriend is a jerk and is putting his ex above his girlfriend.

[carhill]

Ex a continent away....hmm

 

Who really knows what's going on here? Right, BF does. That's it. Everything else is filtered for consumption.

 

Trust, but verify.

 

Common sense says a healthy person will run from an abusive, unstable ex-partner. Why isn't what you're observing matching up with common sense? Everything isn't always as it seems is one explanation. His psychological health is another.

 

Perhaps this impending visit would be one he better faced solo. If you choose that, tell him the extent of your choice and why. Then act, and consistently. What happens, happens. Good luck.

[reptilelover88]

if she's suicidal she needs a doctor, your boyfriend is not in the best position to help her, she needs sedation - i think she's a clinging vine, she may spend her whole life acting pitiable it's working - but i bet she gets angry when challenged, she's the type - suddenly full of energy and not suicidal - in order to tell off the non-sympathetic, demading pity

 

she has family, your boyf must send her to them, in front of you

imho, you'll get your mojo back

he mother is probably schooling her in how to hang onto him

 

This is exactly what I tell him, but he says that he still feels responsible to her as 'the only guy who ever treated her well'. He would feel very guilty if she did kill herself, though I'm convinced she's just manipulating him. Her family were very keen on the relationship and still contact him. I'm not sure how to extract him from this situation since he still seems so involved... For example, he used his own money (he's a student and not at all rich) to fly over to visit her last Christmas. When he arrived, he found out that she had a new boyfriend and she was really mean to him all Christmas. That's the kind of manipulation I'm talking about, and why I don't want him to have anything to do with her.

[reptilelover88]

I thought you said they only speak “sporadically”. It sounds like they talk pretty often.

 

This is what I find strange. I have verified that they speak (on Facebook at least) literally once every 2-3 months. Yet she still calls him up in tears when she knows I'm with him?! I find that weird, to say the least.

 

WOW!!!! Your presence would make your boyfriend miserable! What a charmer.

 

He says that 'we'd all be at each others' throats', and to be honest I agree - but it still seems like a pretty lame excuse to not allow me to be there. I don't think it's appropriate for them to be alone together, especially since he told me they used to have sex in public during the day.

 

Thanks for the response veggirl and everyone else; you really helped me clarify things in my mind. I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, but he does turn it back on me ('you're making me choose' etc.!). That is a bit of a red flag for me since my ex boyfriend always turned things back on me too. My current boyfriend is sorry for upsetting me but STILL doesn't want to break things off with his ex.

[carhill]

He sounds like a "collector". My best advice is 'beware'.

 

From appearances, you aren't appearing sufficiently dramatic to incite the 'collecting' behavior, yet. The issue is, with these things, that they can be contagious and soon you will find yourself sucked into the drama. In fact, it's already begun.

Edited October 25, 2012 by carhill

[reptilelover88]

I am in love with this man, but frankly I can't be bothered with him if our relationship is going to be all 'drama'. I just don't know what to say to him which doesn't make me sound like a crazy, controlling bitch.

[darkmoon]

This is exactly what I tell him, but he says that he still feels responsible to her as 'the only guy who ever treated her well'. He would feel very guilty if she did kill herself, though I'm convinced she's just manipulating him. Her family were very keen on the relationship and still contact him. I'm not sure how to extract him from this situation since he still seems so involved... For example, he used his own money (he's a student and not at all rich) to fly over to visit her last Christmas. When he arrived, he found out that she had a new boyfriend and she was really mean to him all Christmas. That's the kind of manipulation I'm talking about, and why I don't want him to have anything to do with her.

 

then date others, this is all a drag

seems to me that as Carhill said, you are being drawn in (a bit)

it's as if there's a script you/boyf have to follow

you might well feel happier to have a good night out with friends

don't bother telling him, keep this to yourself

and see what other options you have

they could hardly be worse

[reptilelover88]

it's as if there's a script you/boyf have to follow

 

What do you mean by this? We have a fantastic time apart from this problem, but on the subject of his ex I feel backed into a corner, as though I can't win because I'm being 'unreasonable'.

[darkmoon]

What do you mean by this? We have a fantastic time apart from this problem, but on the subject of his ex I feel backed into a corner, as though I can't win because I'm being 'unreasonable'.

 

by script i meant he has to speak using sympathetic sentences to/for her

and you have to be reasonable in your speech while backed into a corner

all over an actress/drama queen...his ex

i'm feeling grossed out, but that's me

Edited October 25, 2012 by darkmoon