Boyfriend still paying one of ex's bills

[reptilelover88]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. Everything between us is great apart from the fact that his ex (who broke up with him 2 years ago!) still seems to be a big part of his life. They were together for a year when they were about 18 and broke up very messily. From what he has told me, she sounds like a very unstable person (multiple mental illnesses, psychiatric hospitals, etc.) who treated him very badly and cheated on him multiple times. She also has hardly any education (unlike my boyfriend) and struggles to hold down any job. She had to move in with my boyfriend and his parents for a while when she was fired from her job and didn't have anywhere else to go.

 

Despite the fact that they broke up 2 years ago and haven't seen each other for a year (she moved to a different country), this ex still hangs on to my boyfriend. She still insists on calling and messaging him, and threatens to hurt herself if he doesn't take her calls. I have tried to explain to him that she is manipulating him, but he is a very caring person and worries about her. He says that they have a lot of important history together and he is the only person who listens to her. For some reason he still feels like he owes her something. I have tried to get him to cut contact with her but he refuses for the reasons given above.

 

Anyway, I can cope with the odd crazy phonecall from several thousand miles away. What I can't cope with is this: My boyfriend still pays one of his ex's bills of about $300 a month. She had an accident a few months ago and hasn't been able to work since. Before the accident, she sent him money for the bill every month. Now she is unemployed and in a lot of debt and can't pay anymore - so he does! She doesn't have a problem with him paying. (Personally I wouldn't let someone else pay my bills; I have too much pride). I recognise that hers is an unfortunate situation, but it isn't his problem. I think it is very unfair on him. He is a student with hardly any money, yet he continues paying this bill. I think it is unfair on me too since we are trying to save up for a holiday in the summer and not getting very far. This month he literally can't pay the bill. Since he told her this yesterday, she has been blowing up his phone and Facebook with abuse and manipulation. Even he is starting to get fed up of this now.

 

What should I do? My boyfriend seems unwilling to budge on this, but I think it is totally unfair for him to be paying for this.

[mortensorchid]

That is just nuts! What bill is he paying? Is it in his name? If so then what you need to do is tell him to put said bill into her name and walk away. If she threatens with something, then call her bluff and walk away. If it were me, I would've changed my phone number a long time ago in order to sever ties with the other party.

 

There is something more to the story, because if it was that simple then he would have done it a long time ago. Saying that he is a good person is not enough, because there is a limit to being good and being taken advantage of.

[Yookie]

Is he paying because the bill is in his name?

[reptilelover88]

The bill is for storage of some of her possessions in our country. Unbelievably this bill has been in my boyfriend's name for over a year (since she emigrated) though she used to send the money until she had her accident. I am worried it will affect his credit rating too. I think her belongings and their storage can't be that important since she hasn't needed them in over 12 months!

[veggirl]

That's absolutely ridiculous. Your boyfriend has an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with his ex, it's clearly not changing anytime soon. She may be in another country now but it doesn't matter, anyone with that attachment to their ex does not need to be dating someone else. You shouldn't date guys who are in contact with exes, esp ones that are "crazy"--what does it say about a person that they want to keep a psycho in their life? Hint: it's NOT that they are a "nice person".

 

It's only been 4 months and this problem is obviously not going to go away, so what are your options? Either suck it up and deal with it or move on. Personally I'd choose the latter, esp since you have expressed your uneasiness with this totally inappropriate situation and all he has done is defend it.

 

The storage is in his name, he can cancel it at anytime and donate the contents or sell them and send her the money. He's not going to, he has made his decision perfectly clear. Are you willing to put up with this for indefinitely? I suggest telling him "I'm obviously not comfortable with the ties you still have to your ex. You can keep them if you'd like, but I won't be in a relationship with someone who is still linked to his ex the way you are."