He lives with his parents

[MoonSiren]

I been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and really like him. I'm 30 and he is 27. He is well-mannered, smart, fun to be with, cute and college educated but lives with his parents still. It kinda bothers me and am unsure if I should continue seeing him before it gets serious. Financial independance is one of his goals and he wants to get his masters degree soon. I understand the economy is bad so more people have to live at home so I don't really know what all to do. Any advice would be helpful.

[movingon12]

Do you know why he's still living at home and whether he has ever lived alone?

 

If he's living at home because he's been focused on his studies and hasn't been able to get a job that pays enough to move out, I'd probably carry on seeing him.

 

If he just wants his mum to cook and clean for him whilst he spends all his money on (whatever), that's not a good sign.

[amaysngrace]

I don't know. What does your gut tell you? You said he says he's looking to be financially independent. Is he paying down his loans? Is he working in his field?

 

Does what he say match what he does?

[TheZebra]

Living at home by itself is not a problem - but the reasons for living at home can be.

 

Is he responsible with money? Does he pay his own bills? Does he have a plan for moving out? Is he just trying to save money, or is he lazy? Does he have a job?

 

You want to make sure he's not just mooching off his parents because he can, and that he isn't blowing his entire paycheck (if he has a job) on partying every month. If he's just trying to save money and proves he's financially responsible, then I wouldn't fret.

[MoonSiren]

Yes he does have a job working for his dad. He said that he pays a small amount for rent. He isn't going to school yet, just contemplating it and says he is debt free.

[Mrlonelyone]

I been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and really like him. I'm 30 and he is 27. He is well-mannered, smart, fun to be with, cute and college educated but lives with his parents still. It kinda bothers me and am unsure if I should continue seeing him before it gets serious. Financial independance is one of his goals and he wants to get his masters degree soon. I understand the economy is bad so more people have to live at home so I don't really know what all to do. Any advice would be helpful.

 

Question how old are his parents?

 

Here is why I ask. I live with my parents. People assume when you do it is because you are being supported or cared for by them in some way. This is not always the case. In particular if the parents are elderly, retired, and in need of care and extra money themselves.

 

 

Caregiving & Dating: Can you date and have a relationship while caregiving? - AgingCare.com

 

 

For example I sat down with my mom and we figured out where the household monies come from and where they go. She totaled up all the bills and expenses and found out that she and dad should only have $78 per month to spare after paying for everything but food.

 

Then I took my charge card bill, because I charge everything for tracking purposes, and subtracted out my monthly income. The excess is what I actually contribute to the house. I've been paying the property taxes ($5000 per year), which keep a roof over our heads, and for most of the food as well as for certain extras (like vacations or the odd dinner out).

 

So he may not be a moocher if he's helping to support and care for elderly parents?

 

Social problems and embarrassment.

 

Then there is the problem of being able to handle a relationship with someone who's so involved with their parents. For many young people who's parents are not old enough to need that kind of care it can be unsettling.

 

Will they have enough time left for me? What will people think of me dating someone who live with their parents? etc.

 

 

There are certain advantages to dating someone who's taking care of elderly or disabled parents.

 

If someone that age has decided to help out their parents rather than run from the problem it shows that they are not afraid of adult responsibility. Ironically, on the surface, it may not look that way. If they are committed to caring for their parent unto death, they are not going to be afraid of committing to an able bodied adult. If they can handle taking care of parents then, once they have more money, they will be mentally more ready to take care of children.

 

The above may not be true of a foot loose and fancy free late 20's early 30's man.

TL;DR Find out more about the situation. Is he helping his parents out in some way? Are they elderly or disabled and in need of his help? Are their any siblings who are disabled and in need of his help? If all of these things are true he's being depended upon. Don't rely on stereotypes to make this kind of decision if you like him.

[amaysngrace]

Yes he does have a job working for his dad. He said that he pays a small amount for rent. He isn't going to school yet, just contemplating it and says he is debt free.

 

I wouldn't really worry about it. He sounds financially secure.

[Carenth]

As long as he is not just taking advantage of his parents and is contributing to the household, I don't really see an issue. It is tough out there in a lot of places at the moment, particularly for younger people.

 

People in general are staying home a lot longer for various reasons, student debt, lack of available work, expensive housing costs (depending on what part of the world you live).

 

Personally for me I'm very close to my family they looked after me through some pretty bad times I went through. My sister and I still live at home and we are in our mid twenties, though it is very common in the city I live it has some of the most expensive housing costs in the developed world.

 

My mum and dad are getting on in age and in particular my dad's health is not the greatest I would rather contribute money, look after my parents and help with things around the house, than line the pockets of a landlord.

 

I've managed to pay off all my student debts and am now saving so I can move out later next year. Everyone's situation is different you will need to find out what his specific situation is and then decide if you are ok with it or not.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Carenth

[Illusionist]

He seems like a good catch so far. Is he mature? Does he acts independent?

Because, if it just is the financial aspect... that one comes once he gets his degree and gets a nice load of cash.

So unless he seems like a total "mother's boy" to you, I'm sure it just is because of the financial aspects. And there is nothing wrong with that at all, as long as he helps at home and knows all the things that he will need, once he moves out. Like cleaning, washing, most other housework and my little favorite: cooking (real cooking, not just reheating stuff or using instant ****... which is actually kinda rare, so if he even knows that, you can count yourself lucky, very lucky.)

[plainjane79]

I been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and really like him. I'm 30 and he is 27. He is well-mannered, smart, fun to be with, cute and college educated but lives with his parents still. It kinda bothers me and am unsure if I should continue seeing him before it gets serious. Financial independance is one of his goals and he wants to get his masters degree soon. I understand the economy is bad so more people have to live at home so I don't really know what all to do. Any advice would be helpful.

 

Has he ever lived on his own before? If not, why not, and what's his plan going forward? Is he saving to buy a house in a few years?

 

I agree with most of the others that if he has basic "survival" skills and a somewhat-defined plan for his future, then this shouldn't be a deal breaker. But as a "boomerang child" in her early 30's who moved back home to save some money last year before venturing back out again, I just can't imagine having lived at home for the past seven years. My 22 year old self would have been driven crazy.

[edgygirl]

Besides the economical issue in today's world, I find it counter intuitive when someone can afford it and doesn't move out of their parents' home. Grown up, mature people should want to move out and become an adult independent person.

 

I had an ex who found all the excuses under the sun on why to keep living with his mother. Later I realized he was a total mommy's boy and deep down had no intention whatsoever to move out. And his mom also encourages him to stay as she was divorced and lonely. Ugh. No thanks. That guy would never want to be an independent adult while his mother was still alive. Why grow up if you can be Peter Pan right?

[grkBoy]

I was a boomeranger...and girls rejected me for it many times.

 

I went back home after I ended up unemployed for several years and struggled to get my life going. My parents offered me a chance to regroup and try again.

 

I went home, and for the next five years I worked on a Masters, found one decent job, then later found a great job (which I am still at), and saved up a down payment for a condo.

 

Amazing how the women suddenly found me attractive after the five years. Also amazing how many women in my past who rejected me could not themselves afford to live on their own...and they still can't now.

 

I'm not bashing women, but I am speaking frankly...life isn't as it was. You can't just easily get out at 18 and never look back. Had I somehow "slugged it out" in crap jobs to keep paying rent, I would have never saved, and thus hit my 30s with nothing to show for myself.

 

I think if your man has an actual plan in life...like long term...then if you like him, make it work.

 

The men and women who need to be rejected are the ones who dropped out or skipped on college, have no real skills, can't hold a job other than retail, and thus live at home like children.

 

Bear in mind...guys with long term goals and plans are more the types who will commit, marry, be loyal, and will cherish all they have in life. Guys who live day to day, have things handed to them easily, etc...they won't cherish anything.

[veggirl]

Dealbreaker. Financially independent and still living at home for no reason. Agreed with edgy, normal adults want independence. Is he just gonna hang out at your place all the time? Not cool. No reason to still be at home, time to cut the cord and grow up.

[c57dood]

This is how most of the world lives. America is an exception in this area, and unfortunately because America has to compete on a global scale, this will probably become more prevalent.

 

Like others said, if he's financially responsible and has a job, you shouldn't count it against him.

 

I know lots of people who claim to be "independent", yet they are so deeply indebted to maintain this "independence" it is laughable. In fact, the ones who scream most about their independence are the ones who depend on government or bank/student/car/mortgage loans the most! They are just one paycheck away from losing it all. To me, that is not being a responsible, independent adult.

 

Forget the social stigma, living at home with your family to save money is a smart financial move that will make your life easier in the future.

[ThaWholigan]

SMH This is why I have to move out .....

[suladas]

It depends a lot. I mean if he was saving for a down payment for a few years and to have a good amount of savings nothing wrong with that. I moved out and bought my own house at 21 because I couldn't stand living at home any longer. I rushed it quite a bit, the independence is nice though. I think anything past about 25 is getting bad if they aren't in school, or out of school and saving plenty with a plan to move out. I don't see the point in rushing to move out and pay rent and struggle to ever own a place.

 

I'm in the same situation though, i'm not a big fan of dating someone who still lives at home, at 23 it's expected a lot of people still live at home but it's not something i'm big on. I guess the brightside is they will always be coming to your place and less driving.

[yongyong]

I guess it's one of 'Men and Women are not equal' rules.

 

I didn't mind 29 year old girl living with her parents.

I didn't mind 23 year old girl living with her parents.

I thought it was sweet that they were helping with their parents and showed their close relationship to the parents.

 

I won't mind in the future too as long as they can move out for a serious relationship.

 

I believe Men are viewed differently?

since we assume women are going to help with house chores (cooking, cleaning)

but men are going to just sit there and eat potato chips on a couch?

[rocketman122]

I left the house at 29 when I got married. my brother left at 30, and my sister also at 29. some people leave the birds nest early and some later. if you brought it up when we were dating, I would tell you to go away.

 

you dont like it, its your problem. he's not bumming there. he's trying to make something of himself. its your problem, not his. if you dont like it, then you can deal with it or find someone else.

 

judging by how you nitpick at small things, I would quickly catch on to that and toss you faster than you can imagine. if youre not understanding about something like this, then you'll be the same way in the relationship.

 

3 weeks and who the hell are you to decide for him? like I said, I wouldnt give you the time of day. you'd be out within 2.

[goldengirl11]

I don't think you should worry about him still living at home at 27, especially as he's still studying/planning to study. Now, if he was 37 still living at home, that would probably be another matter.

Edited December 19, 2012 by goldengirl11

[taiko]

I left the house at 29 when I got married. my brother left at 30, and my sister also at 29. some people leave the birds nest early and some later. if you brought it up when we were dating, I would tell you to go away.

 

you dont like it, its your problem. he's not bumming there. he's trying to make something of himself. its your problem, not his. if you dont like it, then you can deal with it or find someone else.

 

judging by how you nitpick at small things, I would quickly catch on to that and toss you faster than you can imagine. if youre not understanding about something like this, then you'll be the same way in the relationship.

 

3 weeks and who the hell are you to decide for him? like I said, I wouldnt give you the time of day. you'd be out within 2.

 

No one called him a loser. But he's NOT getting his Master's degree - he's "thinking" about it.

 

In the interim, he works for his father and lives at home paying MINIMAL rent with no sign of putting on his big boy pants anytime soon.

 

Lame.

 

This is how most of the world lives. America is an exception in this area, and unfortunately because America has to compete on a global scale, this will probably become more prevalent.

 

Like others said, if he's financially responsible and has a job, you shouldn't count it against him.

 

I know lots of people who claim to be "independent", yet they are so deeply indebted to maintain this "independence" it is laughable. In fact, the ones who scream most about their independence are the ones who depend on government or bank/student/car/mortgage loans the most! They are just one paycheck away from losing it all. To me, that is not being a responsible, independent adult.

 

Forget the social stigma, living at home with your family to save money is a smart financial move that will make your life easier in the future.

Judging by the OP's question and the not calling him loser but lame comments some don't accept that it can be a cultural question where some societies don't push out the 18 year old's, 22 if they go to college. And the son is expected to remain home until married and if at all possible move his family into the family compound. While in America we don't have many compounds it is not unheard of for children to marry and live on the same block as their parents.

[Mrlonelyone]

Judging by the OP's question and the not calling him loser but lame comments some don't accept that it can be a cultural question where some societies don't push out the 18 year old's, 22 if they go to college. And the son is expected to remain home until married and if at all possible move his family into the family compound. While in America we don't have many compounds it is not unheard of for children to marry and live on the same block as their parents.

 

Among certain ethnic subcultures this is exactly what people do. Black/hispanic/ and some European immigrant groups do this in America. Families may live in one or two houses relatively close by.

 

My fathers and mothers families have lived that way since early colonial times and before.

[plainjane79]

Among certain ethnic subcultures this is exactly what people do. Black/hispanic/ and some European immigrant groups do this in America. Families may live in one or two houses relatively close by.

 

My fathers and mothers families have lived that way since early colonial times and before.

 

Yup, I second this. My parents are Eastern European immigrants and can't comprehend why I ever moved out, or why I'd want to move out again. They find it a waste of money for a single woman to live on her own. :-/ My parents both lived with their parents until they were married (mom at 19, dad at 26.)

[ThaWholigan]

Among certain ethnic subcultures this is exactly what people do. Black/hispanic/ and some European immigrant groups do this in America. Families may live in one or two houses relatively close by.

 

My fathers and mothers families have lived that way since early colonial times and before.

I told my mum of my desires to move out and she still wants me to stay. My brother is also trying to move. I think she fears being lonely or that we will leave her on her own. She has an SO, but he has young children and it's a complicated situation.

 

It's not that I don't love her or some silly sh*t, but I told her I'm a grown man, I need my space to be independent and be a man, something I haven't been able to completely become living at home. Also, the kind of girls I wish to date don't want to date men who live at home with their mum. She pointed out all the guys we know who are older than I and have women despite living at home - but I'm not like them and I'm probably not trying to date the women they date.

 

It's a dilemma for me, an irritating one. It doesn't matter because I will likely still move once I am financially able to.

[ebt100]

I been dating this guy for 3 weeks now and really like him. I'm 30 and he is 27. He is well-mannered, smart, fun to be with, cute and college educated but lives with his parents still. It kinda bothers me and am unsure if I should continue seeing him before it gets serious. Financial independance is one of his goals and he wants to get his masters degree soon. I understand the economy is bad so more people have to live at home so I don't really know what all to do. Any advice would be helpful.

 

(I skipped straight to reply and didn't read thread).

 

Why does this bother you? For practical reasons, like not having another place to hook up? Or you think he is not independent?

 

You should watch the movie called "Failure to Launch."

 

In my personal opinion, leaving someone for that reason if they are otherwise what you want isn't a good idea.

 

In other cultures, single men live with their parents until marriage (regardless of age).

[suladas]

My dad wanted me to stay to, because i was the last one at home and he is alone now, besides for my brother and sister moving back briefly this year. I did it for many reasons and enjoy being on my own. Part of the last straw was my brother moving out about 6 months before me, after that it became almost unbearable living with just my dad. Then again, I work with him so living together also was quite stressful at times. He didn't want me to, I never even paid rent either, but did quite a bit of cooking and cleaning. in some ways I wish I stayed, I mean it costs me over $2000 a month for my house, for a 1 1/2 years that's a lot of money I could of saved. The freedom is awesome though. I think for me anyways, it's a great experience to live alone for a while, instead of moving out of your parents right into living with someone else.

 

In hindsight, really no rush to move out in your early 20's you will have plenty of years moved out anyway. More time to get finances in order is always good, I had about $30k saved when I moved out and it was not nearly enough.