Should I tell my GF that I knocked up another woman?

[Porter]

Not sure if I should post my age but I'm 25 (as is everyone else involved).

 

A few weeks ago I was sleeping with a friend of mine for year. We haven't slept together for 8 weeks but 6 days ago she told me that she thought she was pregnant. I went with her to the doctor for the pregnancy test and yes, pregnant. She doesn't want us to be together or anything but she does want to have to kid and me to be involved in the kids life.

 

I KNOW that y'all are going to say it might not be mine but it most likely is (though I wish it wasn't). Probably 99% likely if not 100. She's not the type to sleep around (she's only been with 2 men). She's also the worlds ****tiest liar. So for the sake of the question lets say that we know for sure that the kid is mine.

 

Not only do I not want a kid, I have a GF. Since my GF and I became exclusive I haven't slept with my friend. But I don't want to tell her that I knocked up another girl. I'm trying to convince (not the right word but all I can think of) my friend that she should abort or adopt. I don't want a kid whatsoever. I've never wanted them, even later in life. If she kept it, I wouldn't have a part of the childs life (other than a paycheck if she made me). So do I really have to tell my GF I got someone pregnant? Should I just wait until the kid is born so we have a stronger relationship? Maybe tell her that I didn't know until then? If my friend decides to give it up for adoption or abort, then telling my GF would be useless, right? No idea what I'm doing here.

 

I really like this girl... I've actually never liked someone so much.

 

BTW, we DID use condoms and to my knowledge she was on BC. A few condoms broke but not recently. And they were always mine.

 

I'm not trying to be an ass here btw...

Edited January 10, 2013 by Porter

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. It's a great place for info and support.

 

Sorry about your situation. Ok sounds as if this pregnancy is at 10-11 weeks.

It's bad numbers to have done Double Dutch and still conceived.

 

In your mind delaying the share of info to current GF gives your relationship more time to develop. When this girl discovers the time frame of your information ~ you'll explain that how?

[Lil1]

At 25 you should be man enough to confront your screw ups.

 

Tell your girlfirend. It's the decent and moral thing to do.

 

Also tell the girl you knocked up that you do not plan on being in the child's life and then do them both a favor and stick to your word.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're lucky you came on this forum, because you need advice on this one.

 

First off, you're not going to be able to lie about this to your current GF even though I know that you are leaning in that direction, you think it's a better idea and that she'll be more understanding, accepting, etc...well that's a foolish way to think because from a woman's perspective she's going to be more furious that you lied to her about it.

 

You also have slept with this other "friend" before you were exclusive with your GF, that gives you a leg to stand on and you can merely be honest about it that you were sleeping with this other girl until you were exclusive.

 

You probably lied as do most guys about their sexual business and may have given her the impression you were together and exclusive even before it was "official", she's going to be pissed at you for not just being focused and into her and sleeping with this other woman during that time but still, she can't say you cheated and she won't hold it against nearly as much as if you did (likely, she may be still really upset regardless but still that's to be expected obviously...you can't just skate through this without any drama, you are apart of it).

 

Your other mission or first mission is to talk to this friend of yours about having this baby, tell her how you feel about kids and that you don't ever want to be a dad (which I'm sure you likely expressed in a not so sensitive way I'm guessing). I think you are lying about using condoms every time as well as her being on BC, she probably missed a day, women are sneaky but you can't accuse her...after all this is a choice you made as well to be with her, you could have not slept with her so don't just blame her like she's trapping you or making it all your fault, that's not right and the more selfish you become in all of this the more it's going to blow up in your face...so do the hard first and completely honest, or you're going to be torn down bit by bit as this thing progressions and it's going to be this big dark secret you've got to hide...and really, you should expect more of yourself as a man than to hide from all your responsibilities and problems, be better than that.

 

Do some things right first then try and manage this situation, it'll be a lot easier and your honesty will earn you some favor, if you continue to lie then you're digging your own grave...and honestly it's only going to be much worse. So even though this may seem like the most dangerous time to expose things, it's actually the best because things have no been prolonged. Women are pretty forgiving and understanding, they don't just away from men...even if they are acting like douchebags.

 

Unfortunately for women they don't know when to walk away, fortunately for you they don't.

 

But you better start having more of a sympathy bone for this friend of yours, resenting or rejecting her is only going to get you the whip, and you better be honest with your current GF if you ever want her to trust you, because if she founds later that you have a kid it's going to be *explosion* all in your face...like a bunch of guys gang-banging a porn star chick, then jizzing all over your face....that bad.

 

Seriously though, make some wise choices here and heed my advice, whatever you're thinking in that noggin of yours right now is only going to kick you a foot in the @ss...trust me on that, and really accept some responsibility and man-up, don't run and escape things, face them, talk about them, express how you feel, listen instead of talk and don't panic.

 

You run now...you'll be running forever.

 

And honestly, just because you really like this girl....means nothing, you're just in the infancy of your relationship. Don't be so dramatic and swept away just yet, you've got some issues to sort out.

[Balzac]

"I've never wanted them, even later in life."

 

Ok got it.

Item #2 First Up

 

What contraceptive method are you and GF currently using?????

The LAST problem you need is concurrent pregnancies.

[sillyanswer]

I don't want a kid whatsoever. I've never wanted them, even later in life.

 

If your friend wants to keep your baby then you need to tell your gf. And if your gf doesn't do something drastic to your balls you then need to check in for a vasectomy.

[Porter]

In your mind delaying the share of info to current GF gives your relationship more time to develop. When this girl discovers the time frame of your information ~ you'll explain that how?

 

I'd hope that she wouldn't find out that I knew all along. The only people who know about the pregnancy right now are my friend and I. My friend and GF don't have any common friends, so it's not like she would find out from word of mouth. My friend is pretty understanding. I'm sure she would say I didn't know, if I needed her to.

 

My GF knows that I hooked up with my friend for a while, but she doesn't know how recently it was. I don't think she knows that I hooked up while we were in the dating phase (only once). Couldn't I just say that she got pregnant before I met my GF? She doesn't have to know that I slept with someone else while we were dating does she?

 

I've talked to her twice about me not wanting the baby and that I would not be in the kids life. The first time not so nicely, the second time I was calm about it. I'm still trying to make her see that abortion or adoption would be better for everyone. She only has 4 more weeks to decide about abortion. I don't want to tell my GF, then my friend decide to abort... That would be a dumb move. I do feel bad for my friend and I get that it's a hard choice for a girl. I've known her since we were 6.

 

I'm being totally honest when I say I used condoms every time. I occasionally slept with other women and you never know what's out there. But I do not know for certain that she was always good with taking her BC.

 

My GF is on the BC shot (don't know what it's called) which is pretty fool proof as long as she gets it on time every 3 months. And I'm not coming inside of her.

 

you then need to check in for a vasectomy.

 

I've always planned on doing this. But never got around to it.

[sillyanswer]

I've always planned on doing this. But never got around to it.

 

Well there's no time like the present...

[Porter]

Well there's no time like the present...

 

I'm a baby when it comes to medical procedures.

[TheZebra]

I wouldn't get a vasectomy until later in life, until you're absolutely sure you never want kids. I've heard that they're not always reversible. Birth control, when used correctly, is very good to prevent pregnancies. Not sure how your condom broke several times; I've been sexually active for 5 years and never had a condom break even once.

[Porter]

I wouldn't get a vasectomy until later in life, until you're absolutely sure you never want kids. I've heard that they're not always reversible. Birth control, when used correctly, is very good to prevent pregnancies. Not sure how your condom broke several times; I've been sexually active for 5 years and never had a condom break even once.

 

Several being 3. Once it was too tight, another time I think she dry or something if I remember correctly and the other time I don't know/remember.

[soccerrprp]

Yes tell her.

[FitChick]

I'm a baby when it comes to medical procedures.

And that is why you are in the predicament you are in.

 

I wouldn't tell your girlfriend until it's too late to have an abortion. In the meantime I'd be researching facts as to why the FWB should get an abortion. Keeping the baby is selfish if there is no father. You will still be required to pay for it if she keeps it. A vasectomy would have been much cheaper.

 

Maybe this and the other pregnancy thread will scare some men into finally getting the snip. I hope so.

[Porter]

And that is why you are in the predicament you are in.

 

I wouldn't tell your girlfriend until it's too late to have an abortion. In the meantime I'd be researching facts as to why the FWB should get an abortion. Keeping the baby is selfish if there is no father. You will still be required to pay for it if she keeps it. A vasectomy would have been much cheaper.

 

Maybe this and the other pregnancy thread will scare some men into finally getting the snip. I hope so.

 

 

I've told her that keeping the baby would be unfair if there was no dad. But plenty of kids are raised by single parents so I don't have much weight with that. I don't want some teenager coming to look for me 18 years down the line. She also says that it's not like she'd never find someone else. I don't know how many guys date single mums, but I don't know any who would. She seems to think plenty do/would. Is that true?

 

I will only be required to pay child support if she goes to court and makes me. I asked her if she would and she said she didn't know. She said it would be the right thing to do but she would feel bad because she choose to keep it. So I don't know how that would play out.

[mortensorchid]

Well that's a situation you are in, guy!

 

Since the former gf is going to keep this baby and doesn't want you to be part of it, I would tell your currant gf about this at some point. She does have a right to know like you would have the right to know that this kid is, in fact, yours and out in the world whether you like it or not. Tell your currant gf that it is over with the last gf but the baby is going to be here on (date), you will not be involved in the baby's life. Later down the road if you find yourself having to pay for child support, you would have to let your currant (or future) gf(s) that this child exists.

[Balzac]

At age 25 I'm guessing you are done educating unless you consider graduate school. Could you maybe tell us something about?

 

Possibly FWB comes from a family with adequate wealth to subsidize the single mom w child? That's a frequent situation. Baring that, her family is highly likely to press her to seek child support. Additionally if she seeks benefits, she will be grilled to reveal paternity. In all honesty, minimum child support cost to you is low. An order of child support does not compel you to visit nor actively parent your child.

 

At the moment, do your parents have any grandchildren? Are you a singleton child? You may find that your parents choose involvement. Please consider that you face different challenges in such a scenario.

 

I can support you withholding this news until the final date of termination, IF that is FWB active decision. If she's definitive about live birth, reveal this very quickly.

[Porter]

Well that's a situation you are in, guy!

 

Since the former gf is going to keep this baby and doesn't want you to be part of it, I would tell your currant gf about this at some point. She does have a right to know like you would have the right to know that this kid is, in fact, yours and out in the world whether you like it or not. Tell your currant gf that it is over with the last gf but the baby is going to be here on (date), you will not be involved in the baby's life. Later down the road if you find yourself having to pay for child support, you would have to let your currant (or future) gf(s) that this child exists.

 

She was never my GF, just a friend, FWB, FB, whatever. She isn't for sure going to keep it. She is still deciding. She has her head in the clouds thinking everything will be perfect if she has the baby. She has no family to help her, she'll have to drop out of university to support the kid, I won't be around to help her, even with child support she'd barely make by (child support would be $314/month, already looked into it), and she wouldn't have a line up of men wanting to be with her and take a father role.

[Porter]

At age 25 I'm guessing you are done educating unless you consider graduate school. Could you maybe tell us something about?

 

Possibly FWB comes from a family with adequate wealth to subsidize the single mom w child? That's a frequent situation. Baring that, her family is highly likely to press her to seek child support. Additionally if she seeks benefits, she will be grilled to reveal paternity. In all honesty, minimum child support cost to you is low. An order of child support does not compel you to visit nor actively parent your child.

 

At the moment, do your parents have any grandchildren? Are you a singleton child? You may find that your parents choose involvement. Please consider that you face different challenges in such a scenario.

 

I can support you withholding this news until the final date of termination, IF that is FWB active decision. If she's definitive about live birth, reveal this very quickly.

 

I'm done with school, I finished a year ago.

 

Her family basically has nothing to do with her. They haven't talked in at least 3 years. She moved across the country for a while, they didn't like it, never talked to her again.

 

My parents have 2 grandchildren (my brother). I wouldn't tell them about this because they would want to know the kid I think. What they don't know won't affect them. I'd hope that my friend wouldn't tell them.

 

Abortion and adoption are still active decisions.

[Porter]

She thinks or hopes that I will change my mind when/if I see the ultrasound next week. It would be the one were you actually see the baby. I told her that I'm either not going or I'll go but just wait in the waiting room. I want to be supportive but I don't want her to think I want anything to do with this. Maybe I shouldn't go at all...

[Balzac]

You lack understanding if you believe she'd have to stop her education. Grants~increased loans and additional benefits exist solely for such women.

Daycare subsidy and much more.

 

FWB must be an orphan?

 

 

Your interpretation of "head in the clouds" is likely accurate but please be clear~benefactors exist to help such girls. Your nightmare of an 28yo seeking daddy is very real possibility.

 

Talk these thoughts n feelings out here. You're going to need a bit of tough skin.

[TheZebra]

She thinks or hopes that I will change my mind when/if I see the ultrasound next week. It would be the one were you actually see the baby. I told her that I'm either not going or I'll go but just wait in the waiting room. I want to be supportive but I don't want her to think I want anything to do with this. Maybe I shouldn't go at all...

 

If you want to make the message loud and clear then I wouldn't go.

 

Are you sure she's not trying to do this to keep you? I mean, you said earlier in your post that she was taking BC. If you take BC correctly then the chances of pregnancy are near 0. I've had sex many times using only the pill and no pregnancy (knock on wood). I wouldn't be surprised if the whole taking BC thing is a lie. Now with you saying that she wants you there for the ultrasound.... I'm suspicious.

[veggirl]

How does she expect to pay for/support the baby? Even with child support. $314/mo isn't much. Have you asked her how she will do that?

[Balzac]

Ok I see that she's estranged from her family. Got it. Does she perhaps have a sister? Girls are often emotionally close.

 

 

Regarding attendance at medical appts. It stands to reason that consistent message to FWB is desired. No active involvement means no attending, transporting or such for obstetrician appts.

 

I would hope if termination is her decision you'd transport, wait with and return her to her home.

 

It is odd to me that at 10-11 weeks she's inviting you to an ultrasound screening.

[Porter]

You lack understanding if you believe she'd have to stop her education. Grants~increased loans and additional benefits exist solely for such women.

Daycare subsidy and much more.

 

FWB must be an orphan?

 

Your interpretation of "head in the clouds" is likely accurate but please be clear~benefactors exist to help such girls. Your nightmare of an 28yo seeking daddy is very real possibility.

 

Talk these thoughts n feelings out here. You're going to need a bit of tough skin.

 

Okay, true.

 

If you want to make the message loud and clear then I wouldn't go.

 

Are you sure she's not trying to do this to keep you? I mean, you said earlier in your post that she was taking BC. If you take BC correctly then the chances of pregnancy are near 0. I've had sex many times using only the pill and no pregnancy (knock on wood). I wouldn't be surprised if the whole taking BC thing is a lie. Now with you saying that she wants you there for the ultrasound.... I'm suspicious.

 

I'm positive she isn't trying to keep me. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, and she's never cared when we've stopped having sex because I dated other people. She's not attracted to me, just enjoys sex with me.

 

I know that she had the BC and I saw her take it every time when I was there when she should be taking it. She took it at night, which is when we usually hung out. She had an alarm on her phone for it which makes me think she took it all the time... But she could have just been doing that when I was around. It's possible. I don't see why though.

 

She says she wants me at the ultrasound for "support". She wants me to be in the kids life, and she thinks if I see it I'll change my mind and want to be dad.

 

How does she expect to pay for/support the baby? Even with child support. $314/mo isn't much. Have you asked her how she will do that?

 

I've asked. She just says "It'll work out".

 

Ok I see that she's estranged from her family. Got it. Does she perhaps have a sister? Girls are often emotionally close.

 

 

Regarding attendance at medical appts. It stands to reason that consistent message to FWB is desired. No active involvement means no attending, transporting or such for obstetrician appts.

 

I would hope if termination is her decision you'd transport, wait with and return her to her home.

 

It is odd to me that at 10-11 weeks she's inviting you to an ultrasound screening.

 

She doesn't have any siblings other than a half-brother that she hardly knows.

 

I don't think I will go.

 

If she does decide to terminate, I would take her though for sure.

 

To my knowledge it's the standard 12 week scan.

[Porter]

As much as I don't want the kid, I don't want some other man playing dad. I wouldn't care if she had the kid and raised it by herself or if the kid was adopted. But I'm just slightly uncomfortable with someone else playing house with her.