OKCupid = work?

[CryForNoOne]

I joined OKCupid a few weeks ago and it's my first foray into online dating. It's been fairly frustrating and I'm wondering if I'm doing anything wrong or if it's just tough sledding for guys going after really attractive women. Before I joined I did some web research and found out a few things about OKCupid which I've since verified.

 

1) Apparently they segregate members into "hot" and "not hot". You basically need to get a fair number of messages or 4+ star ratings before you are "hot" and can view other "hot" members. This seems to be the case as all my "matches" the first couple weeks were unattractive. The only way I could view and thus contact women I was interested in was by messaging them if they viewed my profile. Then I got the "you're hot" e-mail and now I can view and message plenty of women I find attractive. I'm glad I knew this going in otherwise I might have quit after a few days thinking only homely girls date online.

 

2) No surprise but attractive women get the overwhelming majority of messages. In a study, someone created 10 fake profiles of varying attractiveness. The "hot" women got 10-25x the messages the "hot" guys did. The "average" women got slightly more messages than the "hot" guys. The "average" guys got almost no messages. The "ugly" guys and girls got ZERO messages. So my experience in this regard has been fairly positive. I've gotten about 10 unsolicited messages from women. Unfortunately, none I'm really interested in. But at least I know I'm not way off base because I consider myself good looking with a nice profile.

 

3) Many people commented it's like a part time job maintaining your profile. And you're only going to get good results if you invest the time and effort. This is the part I'm hating. I already spend the whole day in front of an effing computer. The last thing I want to do in my free time is to spend hours online fishing for a date. Per hour, it's easier for me to get a phone # at a bar then online. I have a hell of a lot more fun at a bar even if I strike out. Spending hours on OKC is just LAME.

 

So my process has been something like this:

 

About twice a week, I'll spend a couple hours on OKC. I'll click through a few hundred profiles and rate or favorite about a dozen. I then read their profiles and try to draft a witty e-mail that stands out. The response rate is about 15%. Ironically I scored a date almost right away with my very first message blast, but we didn't have any chemistry in person. Since then it's been tough sledding. Probably sent out 60 messages and had 10 convos started and 1 date from those but they've all died. Now for the girls that have contacted ME, I'm the one who is usually killing the conversation as I'm not interested in any of them.

 

When I think about the numbers game, it's rather bleak. If I'm only interested in messaging the girls who are getting 10+ messages a day, that's some pretty stiff competition for attention. I can even tell by their responses it's all a bit crazed for them. I've seen them login, click on my profile (presumably having just read my message), then if they reply, it's usually an hour later and a very brief response. It's like they are sifting through dozens of e-mails every single time they login. Would ladies who get lots of OKC messages verify this?

 

So what's the best approach for a first message? Long? Brief? Witty? Serious? I've tried a bit of everything but what seems to work best is something brief and witty and ending with a random/mysterious comment to pique their interest - usually about something we have in common and forcing them to message me back if they want the full answer. Sadly I scored the date opening with the cheesy pickup line "Have we met before?" I pray that doesn't normally work as I've put way too much effort into my messages otherwise...

 

My friend who has had great success meeting very attractive women on OKC, has a different approach. Firstly, he's looking for casual hookups only. He's very up front about it, and just sends generic blast spam messages by the hundreds. He uses the shotgun approach and gets a date almost every week. I'm looking for a LTR so I don't see how his approach would work for me.

 

My one comment about the women who message me is that they are generally pretty lame messages. "Hey I liked your profile. It's pretty cool you are in a band." Really? That's all you got for me? I sift through all these damn profiles and come up with some obscure witty reference to an author a girl likes, and lame messages like that are all a girl has to do???

Edited March 8, 2013 by CryForNoOne

[SarcasticAbby]

Although I'm no expert when it comes to OLD as its never turned into anything for me my suggestion would be to try another site. I've been on both POF and match and have had success. Again... Nothing long term but dates haven't been a problem. I do have friends that have had engagements turn out from both. Keep trying... And good luck!

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

I met the guy I am talking to now on OKC and I went to the part where you rank people and he popped up, I liked his face lol and gave him 4 stars (5 is just too much.. can't give 5 away) and he messaged me and said he got an email that I ranked him 4 stars and that he doesn't get on much but he had to see this "beautiful girl who gave him 4 stars" and it took off from there. I didn't maintain my profile like a job lol I filled out the info and if I was bored I would rank people.. It worked for me, so far so good. Good luck

[outsidethebox]

1) That's completely offbase. There is not a constraint on seeing profiles or by default contacting certain profiles until you are deemed hot. There was some difference in the matches after I got the hot email, but that's all it is. They weight better rated profiles in matches to hot profiles than before is all it is. Nice feature though.

 

As for constraints, a premium paying member can restrict matches above a certain star level. I don't know about not seeing the profile at all as you had been clicked Hide by the profile (don't think so), but you would not be included in a match for a profile if your star rating was below their designated threshold.

 

I haven't (and won't be) using that feature so that's my understanding from reading only.

[outsidethebox]

I was going to say something on 3) but imperfectionis already said it better. No work at all maintaining a profile. You can fill out as little or as much whenever and edit etc but many are not that wordy and long.

 

Rating profiles is completely up to you but if you do it works like imperfectionis described. Nice that it worked out so well.

[CryForNoOne]

It's not maintaining the profile that is a lot of work. I wrote it, now I'm done. It's the sifting through hundreds of profiles and writing messages.

[kaylan]

The same way men are pursuers in real life, they are the pursuers in online dating. OKC isnt too bad, and loads better than POF.

 

Id say I get an ok amount of responses. But in reality I find myself not attracted to or not compatible with many women in the site.

 

Use it as a supplement to asking out women in real life.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

It's not maintaining the profile that is a lot of work. I wrote it, now I'm done. It's the sifting through hundreds of profiles and writing messages.

 

Don't, only email of you find a girl you are interested in. It shouldn't be so muh work it should be kinda fun. Just calm down if you see a girl you're interested in message her but don't make it a job like you have to send out a billion messages. I did a lot of the first messages when I was on it but I just talked to guys I was interested in and who I could be compatible with.

[outsidethebox]

That would be the same on any OLD, wouldn't it? This is a thread questioning work involved on OKC.

 

Also re: effort involved in messages vs what you receive, you are light years ahead in that you receive not only a pretty good response rate but unsolicited messages. Mostly I see comments about receiving very few responses at all, much less unsolicited messages from girls.

[MrCastle]

I have had zero success with OLD period. I have many hangups with OKC and maybe at some point I'll list all the reasons it's a total fail, but one thing I have a problem with is the message frequently situation. It is a repellent of sorts. People may see you answer frequently so you must be needy or desperate etc, or see you don't answer back very often so you must be stuck up or have unrealistic standards. Right there judgement is already being made.

 

Another issue I have is it tells you when someone hasn't gotten messaged in a while. I'll see something like "so and so hasn't received a message in two weeks! message her!", I feel maybe the girl is inactive on the site, or something is wrong with her, etc, whatever it is, it certainly does not push me to message them, and makes the person look sad. That kind of info should be kept confidential.

[curlygirl40]

I prefer OKstupid over POF.

 

Wanted to comment about you saying girls get lots of messages.

 

When I'm on that site I get a ton of messages, but most of them are from guys I would never date. Like I get about 10 a week from guys in their 20's (I'm in my 40's) looking to cross off 'bang a milf/cougar' on their bucket list. I get a lot of messages from guys who are in a 'dead end/loveless marriage but don't want to tear the family apart, they will e-mail me a picture if I want to see them', and guys that want to invite me as a threesome. wtf.

 

So when I log on, it is effort to weed through the riff raff. However, I'm not paying any attention to those guys, so it's really not a big deal and doesn't take away from the guys I would be interested in.

 

There is so much riff raff on that site since it's free that all you need to do to stand out a little is to have a well written profile and send a message that says more than 'sup' or 'hey gorgeous, you wanna chat'.

 

So keep at it.

[Janesays]

When I online dated, I was overwhelmed with emails and I was of the mindset that I would try to reply to everyone. I answered emails until my hand cramped up, so that right there may explain your brief messages.

 

My advice goes against the grain, but I usually responded best to a guy who asked me out in the first message. My theory is I joined the website to get dates, not to nurture multiple pen pals. So if you want to set yourself apart, my suggestion is to ask to meet in person.

 

Something like, "Busy Saturday afternoon? Let's grab coffee."

[Addison312]

I met three guys off of okcupid. I ended up in a serious relationship with the third, but we recently broke up. I enjoyed the setup of the profiles and am inclined to try it out again soon. I did end up getting one of those "you're hot" emails from okcupid...apparently because I had received about 100 messages in the first week and responded to about 5/6. It's true what other females are saying that you have to sift out the losers/people you know aren't your type to find the normal guys. Then from there, I just messaged back who I found attractive. I'd say a funny message wins every time.

Another thing, more females will see your profile (considering they are searching) if you're logged in often.

[CryForNoOne]

So one thing I may have done which was a total fail is that I answered everything publicly, even the uncomfortable ones, and never offered an explanation if none of he choices was quite how I wanted to answer. Frankly, I hated answering them and just wanted to get through them as quickly as possible.

 

I messaged the girl I did go on a date with about 5 times, then asked for her number. She replied "I'm really concerned how you answered <question>". I explained my position and she replied with her digits.

 

Ladies, do you spend a lot of time reading those answers and explanations?

[Addison312]

If someone asks me out, heck yeah ill read their answers. You may find a dealbreaker in there.

[Addison312]

Did you end up going out with her?

[CryForNoOne]

Did you end up going out with her?

 

Yes we met up for drinks. She was a lot younger than me but she was a Harvard grad so I figured she might be more mature than her age. We kinda laughed about our OKC experiences. She told me I was one of very few guys who wasn't immediately intimidated when she mentioned Harvard. Almost all the other guys responded "I like museums or I read the Economist" or something equally stupid and insecure. Sadly though she's in the just-out-of-school mode in her life and talking about studying for the LSAT. I'm in a totally different stage in life so it just didn't click. We both had a good time and no uncomfortable moments but we both knew it was one and done...

[outsidethebox]

That would be the same on any OLD, wouldn't it? This is a thread questioning work involved on OKC.

 

Also re: effort involved in messages vs what you receive, you are light years ahead in that you receive not only a pretty good response rate but unsolicited messages. Mostly I see comments about receiving very few responses at all, much less unsolicited messages from girls.

 

I should have quoted, but this is directed to cryfor about saying how much work he does sending out tons of messages. But it follows a couple of other posts and wasn't clear who it was directed to.

[Addison312]

Yes we met up for drinks. She was a lot younger than me but she was a Harvard grad so I figured she might be more mature than her age. We kinda laughed about our OKC experiences. She told me I was one of very few guys who wasn't immediately intimidated when she mentioned Harvard. Almost all the other guys responded "I like museums or I read the Economist" or something equally stupid and insecure. Sadly though she's in the just-out-of-school mode in her life and talking about studying for the LSAT. I'm in a totally different stage in life so it just didn't click. We both had a good time and no uncomfortable moments but we both knew it was one and done...

 

Yeah, I hear you on the different stages in life topic... I'll be looking out for that next time.

[outsidethebox]

I have had zero success with OLD period. I have many hangups with OKC and maybe at some point I'll list all the reasons it's a total fail, but one thing I have a problem with is the message frequently situation. It is a repellent of sorts. People may see you answer frequently so you must be needy or desperate etc, or see you don't answer back very often so you must be stuck up or have unrealistic standards. Right there judgement is already being made.

 

Another issue I have is it tells you when someone hasn't gotten messaged in a while. I'll see something like "so and so hasn't received a message in two weeks! message her!", I feel maybe the girl is inactive on the site, or something is wrong with her, etc, whatever it is, it certainly does not push me to message them, and makes the person look sad. That kind of info should be kept confidential.

 

A person not receiving a message in a week is no indication of whether they've been online or even active online sending messages. It just means no one has sent them a message.

 

(I don't know that they say over a week, they just say no one has sent her/him a message this week, why don't you go for it etc)

 

They have a specific statement of last time online on the profile. In matches you can specify recently online (week or month etc.)

 

I only know about OKC, been on there a couple of months. Don't know anything about the others.

[outsidethebox]

I prefer OKstupid over POF.

 

Wanted to comment about you saying girls get lots of messages.

 

When I'm on that site I get a ton of messages, but most of them are from guys I would never date. Like I get about 10 a week from guys in their 20's (I'm in my 40's) looking to cross off 'bang a milf/cougar' on their bucket list. I get a lot of messages from guys who are in a 'dead end/loveless marriage but don't want to tear the family apart, they will e-mail me a picture if I want to see them', and guys that want to invite me as a threesome. wtf.

 

So when I log on, it is effort to weed through the riff raff. However, I'm not paying any attention to those guys, so it's really not a big deal and doesn't take away from the guys I would be interested in.

 

There is so much riff raff on that site since it's free that all you need to do to stand out a little is to have a well written profile and send a message that says more than 'sup' or 'hey gorgeous, you wanna chat'.

 

So keep at it.

 

In settings you can specify profile must be single on IM. Not sure about messaging, it took a great deal of effort to force the IM settings to show. I have a vague recollection of similar messaging settings but can't find them or force them to show. (By force I mean handentering the URL because the tab doesn't display. Of course once I entered it I bookmarked it but must click on the bookmark to see IM settings. Some kind of bug.)

[CryForNoOne]

1) That's completely offbase. There is not a constraint on seeing profiles or by default contacting certain profiles until you are deemed hot. There was some difference in the matches after I got the hot email, but that's all it is. They weight better rated profiles in matches to hot profiles than before is all it is. Nice feature though.

 

As for constraints, a premium paying member can restrict matches above a certain star level. I don't know about not seeing the profile at all as you had been clicked Hide by the profile (don't think so), but you would not be included in a match for a profile if your star rating was below their designated threshold.

 

I haven't (and won't be) using that feature so that's my understanding from reading only.

 

There is a whole ton of speculation on the web about it. Some think its just a bogus ploy to get you to return to the site. There is an interview with the CEO that you can easily Google where he states they do segregate profiles because otherwise people with no chance inundate the mailboxes of really attractive profiles and all that white noise is a lose for everybody. My personal experience is that the quality of profiles I am able to view has improved significantly over the first couple weeks. To be clear here, I'm talking about physical attractiveness, not match score. My one OKC date confirmed she does that same exact thing. If she likes pic, read profile, otherwise skip. I think 95% of both genders do the same exact thing.

[MrCastle]

Oh I just remembered another thing I didn't like about okc. Their racial slanting of results.

 

Before I signed up, when I would put in my zip code just to see what I was dealing with, it was a lot of white hipsters. I would say 95% of what they showed me were white.

 

When I signed up and put "latin" as my background, my results became 45% blacks, 45% latinas, 5% asians, 5% whites.

 

I understand that studies show a lot of people are unwilling to break out of their cultural background when dating (with white women being the least likely) but I would prefer they show the results, unfiltered, let me message who I please, and let those women make the decision.

 

I understand they figured my chances of landing a date would improve if they bombarded me with black and latin profiles, but all that does is keep people in the same box.

 

Edit: Unless they are only showing me women that said race doesn't matter? In any event, anytime they send me those 3 profiles that they believe would interest me, it's always minorities. In my area, which is overwhelmingly white, I refuse to believe not one white woman in my entire zip code is willing to date outside of white men.

Edited March 9, 2013 by MrCastle

[outsidethebox]

castle, I'm pretty sure if neither you nor any of the matches designated race, race wouldn't be a factor.

 

But I expect most people designate their race, and in match criteria might designate one or more races as criteria. If you specify white they don't (mostly) match with other races, although early on I got some black matches. Don't know if they didn't designate race, but that's what I suspect is how that happened.

 

(Not that it bothered me, just referring to the selection process.)

[curlygirl40]

 

Ladies, do you spend a lot of time reading those answers and explanations?

 

Yep!!

 

I make the sexual one's private so others can't see it. Some things should be kept to myself I think. For now anyway.