Dating a sociopath?

[edgygirl]

So I posted a while ago about this guy I met. 41 yo and love bombing me immediately after we met. He talked constantly about marriage, baby, starting a family, moving in although I didn't initiate these subjects. Here is the link to previous post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/384065-he-40s-wants-instant-relationship-2.html

 

I tried repeatedly to tell him to slow down and to get to know each other but he said we didn't have the luxury of time (because of my age) and should start asap.

 

But when the time came that he had to prove all the things he said and promised, mainly to provide while I was in between jobs and got prego, suddenly he was really busy with (almost every lasting member of) his family in the hospital. Lol. He got me in an extremely difficult situation and suddenly it was clear all the repeated (uncalled for) promises where not going to be fulfilled.

 

I realized later talking with my therapist that he has many characteristics of a sociopath - they are extremely charming, love bomb you until you fall for it, find out exactly what is it you want and make it seem as if what they want, proceeding then to make millions of promises, and then act like complete jerks because they have no conscience whatsoever. I beg all of you who are dating to get acquainted with the type, read online about it so you can spot one when you see it.

 

I should have heard everyone's advice. Lesson learned. I will never talk about building a life together with someone I know for a few weeks or months. There's no way to know someone's character in that time frame. I didn't even fall for him as there was no time for it!

 

I know narcissists abound but it's not as common to come across sociopaths although I now see they are all over us (at work, many politicians, etc).

 

So... has anyone here ever dated a sociopath or a psychopath? What was your experience like? How did you recover and came to trust people again?

[Mascara]

Have you read Baggage Reclaim? Website that deals with how to deal with those kind of guys. It's a very familiar scenario, i'm always wary now of those that seem to fall instantly in love.

[edgygirl]

Have you read Baggage Reclaim? Website that deals with how to deal with those kind of guys. It's a very familiar scenario, i'm always wary now of those that seem to fall instantly in love.

 

Yes I have, and I really like it, but I think BR is more for "jerks" per se. Sociopaths are a more serious category as it involves biological and/or mental dysfunction, they think. This guy was not a simple jerk, he had issues that involved pathological lying, etc. But I can see how her "Future Faking" thing would apply to sociopaths.

 

Being with a sociopath is like being in a horror movie after you find out that they were faking they personality all along. They can't biologically have feelings or feel empathy for others.

[carhill]

So... has anyone here ever dated a sociopath or a psychopath? What was your experience like? How did you recover and came to trust people again?

 

If BPD and/or BP1-2 counts, along with alcoholism, yeah I've loved a few. What was it like? An erotic dream that turned into a palm-sweating nightmare. Fortunately, we had a great psychologist for a MC and he helped me deal with the impacts of those choices. I've recovered by taking a lot of alone time and baselining with the healthy and balanced love from/to friends. Good luck.

[edgygirl]

If BPD and/or BP1-2 counts, along with alcoholism, yeah I've loved a few. What was it like? An erotic dream that turned into a palm-sweating nightmare. Fortunately, we had a great psychologist for a MC and he helped me deal with the impacts of those choices. I've recovered by taking a lot of alone time and baselining with the healthy and balanced love from/to friends. Good luck.

 

Thank you, I need it! And I appreciate your answer, made a lot of sense to me right now. I feel it will be hard to trust people again, although logically I know he was just a bad apple.

 

I don't think my therapist is really helping me, I wonder if I should seek one that's specialized in personality disorders.

[carhill]

Our MC was/is a clinical psychologist specializing in the forensics of abuse. He primarily worked rape and child abuse but did some MC work as well. For clarity, my exW was not afflicted with the issues I described but I sought clarity regarding some past choices, as part of the therapeutic process, which led up to marrying her and he gave me some tools to process those choices. As a result, I find it far easier now to recognize unhealthy situations and emotionally detach from them. When I talk about 'caring less' in advice I give on these forums, that's what I'm talking about, emotionally detaching. The 'pull' of the sociopath or disordered person can be strong for some psychologies and apparently mine is amongst them. So, tools are beneficial to regaining/retaining health. One tool learned was that of acceptance. They are who they are and life goes on.

[RedRobin]

This article came out in Psychology Today last month about sociopaths.

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201305/confessions-sociopath

[Star Gazer]

Have you read Baggage Reclaim? Website that deals with how to deal with those kind of guys. It's a very familiar scenario, i'm always wary now of those that seem to fall instantly in love.

 

This. I wouldn't call your guy a sociopath as described, but I would describe him as a "Future Faker" (described on that website).

[edgygirl]

Thanks carhill - that's the only good thing I gained from the experience: I think I'll find it "easier now to recognize unhealthy situations and emotionally detach from them" but still I'm so freaking scared I will stumble upon another sociopath and not be able to recognize.

 

RR, thanks for the link, they have some great articles there. This sociopath woman wrote this book coming out on how these people really feel and it generated quite a buzz in the media. This is another great site I found about it, written by a woman who had a sociopath boyfriend: Dating a Sociopath | A site for healing and recovery!

 

StarGazer, in a way he was a future faker, but he was also a sociopath. I am sure he would stick with me much longer if he felt he could use me more to gain things he needs (whether it's shelter, appearance of normalcy in society, etc).

 

I beg everyone on LS who is dating to get familiarized with the several personality disorders - it's really easy to get caught in a relationship with someone who has them as these people can be quite charming and pleasant (in the beginning, lol). The only way to recognize them is knowing their traits.

Edited July 28, 2013 by edgygirl

[Imajerk17]

I don't think you need any deep analysis I think you need to use your head. The signs were all there from the beginning but you chose to ignore them.

 

A general thought: I often think that dating is so hard for many women on here because of their suspect people pickers. They tend to find guys with solid boundaries boring while they tend to connect with the guys with issues. Maybe you found his coming on really strong exciting?

Edited July 28, 2013 by Imajerk17

[edgygirl]

I don't think you need any deep analysis I think you need to use your head. The signs were all there from the beginning but you chose to ignore them.

 

A general thought: I often think that dating is so hard for many women on here because of their suspect people pickers. They tend to find guys with solid boundaries boring while they tend to connect with the guys with issues. Maybe you found his coming on really strong exciting?

 

hmm this is a special case. It's really not typical dating situation and you can only understand if you've been through it. I don't really agree that signs were so obvious because I've had other guys immediately excited about me before and they didn't have a personality disorder I admit I was weary of his behavior since the beginning, and I watched it, but even with me analyzing a lot, he ended up seeming convincing on being a responsible, trustworthy person - which he turned out not to be. It was all a facade he put up until he couldn't anymore because I blew it. Sociopaths are great at disguising from what I read.

 

My therapist says my behavior relating to this was completely normal. And it can be normal for a guy to want all these things, based on her study of her patients. She also said I should not feel bad as it's extremely hard to spot sociopaths. Bernie Madoff anyone? He fooled his high society clients for decades. It took me 3 months to spot I was dealing with a sociopath, so it's not that bad

 

Responding to your point: I actually found his coming on strong a turn off. I wished he went slower. And what makes a guy boring for me is usually not the way he courts, but his personality (if he's mentally interesting). In the case of sociopaths, they have extremely charming and interesting personalities. I recognize though that I found it a turn on that he was also extremely confident - most guys I meet are not that sure about themselves.

[xxoo]

The biggest factor seems to be time. It takes time to really know anyone.

 

Wanting to marry someone early on is one thing. Actually getting married (or pregnant) early on is quite another thing. If someone rushes you, that's a red flag--esp if their timeline is much faster than the norm.

 

How are you doing?

[edgygirl]

I was remotely diagnosed by a psychiatrist with everything under the sun after a relative who hates me constantly complained to her. I have another relative who works in the mental health field with people who had these disorders and told me I had none of the bogus diagnoses. Point is no psychiatrist can diagnose someone they have never seen. If they do then you should start doubting their credentials and their proficiency in their field.

 

I agree, she cannot diagnose him. She can only go by what I tell her. But the guy's behavior (and life situations) turned out to have traits that might be extremely compatible with being a sociopath. That's what my therapist said - she didn't diagnose him really.

[edgygirl]

The biggest factor seems to be time. It takes time to really know anyone.

 

Wanting to marry someone early on is one thing. Actually getting married (or pregnant) early on is quite another thing. If someone rushes you, that's a red flag--esp if their timeline is much faster than the norm.

 

How are you doing?

 

True. And the problem is he managed to convince me I didn't have much time and had to rush too. Which is kind of true, but I promised myself I won't fall for this kind of talk again even if the guy seems to want the same things I do.

 

I'm doing okay now, thank you for asking I appreciate it. It's been a month so I feel stronger and slowly recovering. This was definitely not a typical dating situation and I don't wish anyone to cross paths with this kind of people.

[edgygirl]

Still I'd be careful labeling people as sociopath and psychopath. Women throw these terms around a lot to describe their entire dating history when it was nothing more than someone telling someone else what they wanted to hear to get from them what they wanted. Women do this as well and then turn around the next day pretending all they ever wanted was to be friends. The guy misinterpreted or imagined the whole thing. It is just another case of people being people.

 

Excuse me, I understand you've been through an unpleasant situation with people accusing you of things you didn't deserve, but this guy I'm talking about IS a sociopath. I am NOT throwing the term lightly and I won't go into details to explain why.

 

Please respect my statements, I am not discussing if he is a sociopath or not - I am quite sure he is as it was not conventional dating and dating deception or however you want to call it. I came here for advice on how to overcome the trauma I've been through and I really don't want to prove what I'm saying - just to hear from people who've been through it.

[dasein]

Your shrink has done you a disservice and behaved unprofessionally by encouraging your inapt armchair diagnoses, and

 

I hope you never experience dating a genuine sociopath. I haven't, in all likelihood you haven't, and thank goodness for that. Every person who behaves badly in a relationship does not have some form of personality disorder.

[edgygirl]

Your shrink has done you a disservice and behaved unprofessionally by encouraging your inapt armchair diagnoses, and

 

I hope you never experience dating a genuine sociopath. I haven't, in all likelihood you haven't, and thank goodness for that. Every person who behaves badly in a relationship does not have some form of personality disorder.

 

Haha, and who are you to de-diagnose him? How can you possibly know exactly?

 

I feel utterly disrespected actually and my blood boils to read stuff like this. You haven't been in my shoes to know the things I went through. Again, I don't feel like going into details. This is not what I posted for. I wanted advice on how to go through recovering and also wanted to alert people to notice if they cross paths with one.

 

For those of you wanting to post stuff like this, doubting what I'm saying, please don't. I am intelligent enough to know what I've been through and I'm not interested in this kind of opinion. Here's a really good site to understand how they behave: Dating a Sociopath | A site for healing and recovery! - the guy was textbook what's written there, it's quite scary.

[edgygirl]

Give me a break. Please.

 

I know. That's what matters:

 

Dating a sociopath? | Dating a Sociopath

 

Again, I didn't come here to discuss IF, so I will ignore this kind of post.

[dasein]

I'll post what I like, thanks. Not a therapist, but counseling you to go around seeing different personality disorders, especially sociopathy and psychoses, behind ever bush is malpractice. I'd love to have a client come in and tell me similar had happened to them, cha-ching $$!!

[edgygirl]

I'll post what I like, thanks. Not a therapist, but counseling you to go around seeing different personality disorders, especially sociopathy and psychoses, behind ever bush is malpractice. I'd love to have a client come in and tell me similar had happened to them, cha-ching $$!!

 

I was the one who came to that conclusion and as opposed to you she knows the whole story, she agreed there's a high chance he might be one.

 

Can you have some dignity and empathy and get out of my thread as the things you're discussing are not the reason I posted here? Thanks

[dasein]

Give me a break. Please.

 

I know. That's what matters:

 

Dating a sociopath? | Dating a Sociopath

 

Again, I didn't come here to discuss IF, so I will ignore this kind of post.

 

Whoever wrote that silly blog is certainly not qualified to diagnose sociopathy.

[edgygirl]

Woman - My guess... Over 30 woman who is tired of dating, the games and wants to settle down / something "more". Marriage, kids and the white picket fence.

 

Man - These women are EASY to spot from a mile away. He quickly opened up the guy playbook and turned to page 1 and proceeded to used the oldest trick in it and "Future Faked") said woman. Why? If he didn't "fake" that he wanted / saw a "future" with said woman... He was never going to get in her pants... which was his only goal / mission to begin with.

 

Now said woman is in a state of total shock and disbelieve at what just happened. On top of that she can't just "call it like you see it" and admit that the oldest trick in the playbook ("Future Faking") worked like a champ on her. Therefore, to preserve her fragile ego and pride she proceeds to put the guy on the couch and label / diagnose the guy with some MAJOR psychological problems.

 

All of this is a futile exercise and doesn't change the fact that the OP was played. However, it is a good diversion mechanism from admitting you were played, learning / growing from this bad experience and having to actually look at / improve your BF picker as to prevent this from happening again.

 

Yawn... Believe it or not, some women don't need to be future faked to have sex. Newsflash!

 

I know what being played feels and looks like, honey. I've been around the block. This was not it and I don't need to use subterfuges with myself to make me feel less bad or so, lol.

 

Can people who don't have constructive criticism stay out? Some of you are just proving how dumb you are. Yes there are evil people who are not normal out there. I hope you don't cross paths with one, then and only then you'll know what it's like.

[edgygirl]

So you tried to put words in a professional's mouth and get them parroted back to you as if they were her own to add some sort of legitimacy and derive relief from that faked consensus?

 

Yes Happy?

 

"Faked consensus" - are we talking about YOUR case now? Certainly seems like it. I am starting to think someone in your family was right. Not that you'd admit it. Please don't get so butt hurt with my thread

[edgygirl]

Whoever wrote that silly blog is certainly not qualified to diagnose sociopathy.

 

Whoever crossed paths with one knows her posts are absolutely truth and only a sociopath would disagree

[edgygirl]

I know what being played feels and looks like, honey. I've been around the block. This was not it and I don't need to use subterfuges with myself to make me feel less bad or so, lol.

 

Oh btw Skid Mark - feel free to read my previous posts up to last year. I have no problem whatsoever admitting when a guy is an ahole or playing me or not interested or whatever. Again, this was not the case, this explanation is too simplistic compared to what happened although I don't want to go in details here.