What is he playing at?

[karnipa]

Hi,

 

So I have just turned 19 years old, and two months ago I ended a very long, serious, and abusive relationship which I had been stuck in. Just to summarize it: the guy used to hit me and cheat on me over the duration we were together. Since then, I've been working hard to find myself, and be myself again. And things have been looking up, I go to the gym nearly every single day, I've found myself a job, I've reconnected with friendships I was isolated from...and I also realize that I am incredibly young and should be enjoying as well as living my life to the fullest, even though I like to think I am really 'mature', as most 19 year old girls do.

 

Anyway, the reason I'm coming here today is because I am incredibly confused. Two and a half weeks ago I started a new job, it's not a job I'm serious about but it is purely to pass the time. From the very first moment I walked into my new job, I caught eyes with a handsome guy. He stared at me throughout the duration of my training when I was there, and I was very attracted to him as well.

 

Once I started work, I received a lot of male attention. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I am a very attractive girl and I know this. I don't let it get to my head, but because I just got out of a very serious relationship, of course I'm not going to be frigid and flirt with those who flirt with me, because I am potentially interested.

 

Back to the story, this guy-let's call him 'T'-had been as I'd like to refer to it 'eye-****ing' me the entire first week I was there. By my third day on the job, he followed me to a coffee shop where I was, and I flirted with him in saying that he was following me and I pretended to forget his name. He proceeded to tell me I was stirring up all the male attention, but I just laughed it off. The next day when I came to work I asked one of my co-workers about him. She then told me that he wasn't even single, he was dating a girl who ALSO worked at the same place. Warning signs and alarm bells went off in my head. Before I found out he was in a relationship, I would have never guessed he was based on the way he spoke and acted towards me. I also watched the way he acted towards the other girls, and I'm assuming because they knew he was in a relationship, he didn't flirt with them or look at them the same way he did to me. Anyway, I dated a guy like this before so I know his game entirely, my ex-boyfriend treated me like this with other women all the time, so there's no way in hell I want to be the other women.

 

Problem is that he is incredibly attractive, my type, a few years older, and I feel the chemistry that we have. Anyway, I toned my flirting down with him completely-but he still flirts with me. He says things like: "do I make you nervous?" or "god, why are we working the same shift, means I'm going to have to look at you all day" and other mean-sarcastic jokes or flirtatious remarks. Usually I can pull out some sort of witty response, but I just can't with him. 1. Because he does make me nervous and 2. Because I know he's not single!

 

But he doesn't know that I know, so he continues to play this game. The other day, he came up to me and said: This is a war, you're going to lose. We can't do this.

 

I didn't understand what he meant and I literally just gaped at him. I though he meant I was going to lose to his girlfriend, as in, I wasn't going to get him. But this isn't a problem for me, because it's not as if I will lose anything since I'm not interested! My friend though he meant I was going to lose as in he was going to get me. I ignored him for an hour or so, but then he came by and lightly smacked my butt...I literally turned around and gasped...no one has ever openly done something like that to me, and when I should have retorted with-what the hell...I was left speechless. The remainder of the day he continued this flirtacious game, before asking me to: Stop, you know what you're doing. When I replied with: I have no idea what you're talking about. He said: you know exactly what you're doing.

 

And then he sauntered off! I am so confused. Yes, I am attracted to him. And yes, I do have a flirty persona. But once I found out he had a girlfriend, I literally closed off towards him completely, and now this is one sided. To make matters worse, I was at the same coffee shop the next day and I saw two completely unfamilliar girls, who don't work where I do, they were staring me down and then I heard one of them mention HIS name very loudly. I was so incredibly just...confused.

 

So I know I'm naive and young but can someone please explain to me what game this guy is playing at? Is he a flirt? Is he interested? And more importantly...how can I let him know I'm not interested without looking like an idiot if his response is: I was only joking around.

 

Someone, anyone, help me before I do become the other women. Wether it's true or not.

[white]

What is he playing at? Haha. OK. He sounds like a world class jackoff, an arrogant ****bird, a future rapist and you certainly do know what you should have done - reported to higher up about the ass slapping on the spot and had him busted. I'd watch the **** out for this guy. Even apart from ass slapping, his language is threatening.

 

Moreover this is all being seen, and you're being seen allowing it. You're going to make a lot of enemies, and if there's enemies you don't want in the workplace it's young women. You're not as mature as you think you are by a long chalk.

[karnipa]

What is he playing at? Haha. OK. He sounds like a world class jackoff, an arrogant ****bird, a future rapist and you certainly do know what you should have done - reported to higher up about the ass slapping on the spot and had him busted. I'd watch the **** out for this guy. Even apart from ass slapping, his language is threatening.

 

Moreover this is all being seen, and you're being seen allowing it. You're going to make a lot of enemies, and if there's enemies you don't want in the workplace it's young women. You're not as mature as you think you are by a long chalk.

 

There's no need for you to be rude. It hasn't been seen, yes people see him flirting with me but when he slapped my ass no one actually saw that...I just didn't know how to react because I had no idea he was going to do it. I mean it happened BEHIND me, haha. He's not a future rapist...you can't just make assumptions of people based on the little information I gave you. To be honest, I thought it was just a little harmless flirting, but now it seems more serious-I'd rather confront him myself. He has been working there a whole lot longer than I have, and I don't think he'd be fired-the managment at my workplace is a little bit crooked, so I'd rather approach him myself and deal with the situation head on rather than let him think he can take advantage of the teenager at the workplace.

[karnipa]

I've also observed the way he acts with his girlfriend and he looks completely uninterested with her, both emotionally and sexually. I mean, when he's with her he is STILL staring at me. So I'm confused wether he's just not invested in the relationship, and it's always been that way, or it's my fault.

 

The other day he asked my plans for the weekend and I told him I was going on a date, in hopes this would make him back off, but instead he invited me to go to the cocktail bar him and his friends were going to if I 'got bored', I realize it wasn't a serious invitation but still...why would you invite someone and act that way whilst in a relationship.

 

I almost want to tell the girl myself but I know she will think I'm some crazy jealous psycho (as I used to think whenever confronted with my ex-boyfriends hook up buddies).

[white]

I'm not being rude. You aren't. If you were this post wouldn't be happening and this guy wouldn't be slapping your ass while you don't know how to react and saying **** like 'you know what you're doing' and 'this is a war you're going to lose'. He'd be at his desk or on the counter or whatever this job entails, feeling like an idiot after you put him down. Ass slapping and language like that isn't joking around. He breaks that excuse out and any responsible adult in the area needs to step in, because that **** is sexual harassment.

[karnipa]

I'm not being rude. You aren't. If you were this post wouldn't be happening and this guy wouldn't be slapping your ass while you don't know how to react and saying **** like 'you know what you're doing' and 'this is a war you're going to lose'. He'd be at his desk or on the counter or whatever this job entails, feeling like an idiot after you put him down. Ass slapping and language like that isn't joking around. He breaks that excuse out and any responsible adult in the area needs to step in, because that **** is sexual harassment.

 

So what should I say to him next time he does something that's out of line?

[ses]

So what should I say to him next time he does something that's out of line?

 

I'd report him to his supervisor if his behavior continues to go unchecked. From your initial post it sounds like his behavior has made you feel uncomfortable. That's sexual harrassment. He has disrespected you, his girlfriend, and his relationship. You just ended an abusive relationship. Don't flirt with another guy who has no concept of boundaries. He's a douche.

[Zahara]

Karnipa, you posted on two forums. You've received unanimous advice on both. I hope you listen, create boundaries and stay away from this man.

 

You just came out of an abusive relationship. This is not the time to be focusing on another man that is clearly manipulative.

 

And please don't jeopardize your work by getting involved with a workmate, especially one that can clearly cause you problems in many ways.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Zahara

[white]

So what should I say to him next time he does something that's out of line?

 

You say "What the **** was that? Don't do that/say that/behave that way to me again". Omit the "****" and add a "please" at the end if you want to be workplace oriented.

 

If that's too aggressive for you (to a man slapping your ass at work...) then say something along the lines of "We're colleagues and you have a girlfriend. You're being very inappropriate and I'm not comfortable with it. Step back."

 

Then you enjoy a normal working environment where dudes don't think they live in Mad Men, and he goes away and maybe becomes a better man for the chastising.

 

PS, I missed the segment at the start of your first post about your ex hitting you and being abusive. I'm truly sorry to hear that and I hope he drowns in acid. I am genuinely happy for you, that you have recovered and are moving on. I'm sorry my previous posts were harsh.

[Joaquin]

U find yr self respect.

 

Then when u have that you'll know what to do.