How to know when you're mentally ready to date

[Johnson1]

Okay, some of you know my situation. The next question is, how do you know when your head is screwed on straight enough after a separation/divorce to seek another long term relationship? Give specific exemples of what kind of mindset one should be in.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't know about after a separation or divorce, or seeking a long-term relationship, but I started 'dating' pretty quickly after the last time I got my heart broken. After a few weeks/a month I think. Dating is just getting to know people so you can figure out if there's a spark or not, there's no harm in going on dates just to socialise and have some fun. I made it clear I was only seeking casual dating. I wouldn't however have sought out a long-term relationship at that stage, and three months on I still wouldn't. I feel like I've been hurt so badly by so many things in the past few years (bereavements, breakups, family freezing me out, the works) that I don't really think I can trust anyone for a little while. It's not that I start to trust and stop myself out of self-protection, I just don't feel it.

 

I guess the simplest answer is... 'when you're ready'. If you think you MIGHT be ready, then go for it, dip a toe in, see how it feels. Either it'll feel wonderful and fun and exciting, or it will frighten you and make you pine for your ex. Either way, you'll know whether you are ready.

[Hopeful30]

When you stop asking yourself "am I ready to date", then you're ready to date.

[RonaldS]

Dude, who knows?

 

Divorce is a whole different monster than breaking up. Breaking up is breaking up, and at the end of the day, who really cares either way. You just sort of get over it.

 

Divorce is more like a death. But it's a death that keeps happening. It seems like every time you get to that point where you're feeling good, the phone rings and somebody tells you that somebody you love died. From your earlier posts, you are very early in the process. No matter how checked out you were in the marriage, or how much you want out, or how good you think you feel, you will find yourself being tossed around by wave after wave. Not for a few weeks. Not for a few months. Probably for years. You are about to start a whole new life, and you are going to reinvent or rediscover (or both) yourself in the process.

 

What this means is, right now, just take it easy. You want to go out and f**k around, keep it light and casual, and find women who are on the same page with you, go for it. Live your life, but be upfront with the women you meet. Get some kicks in.

 

You want to form a relationship? I wouldn't even be considering it if I were you. I will tell you from experience....who you are now and how you feel, it's not authentic. There is no way you could possibly be an equitable partner to anybody. Giving tiny fractions of your heart to a woman is not a good relationship formula, and in reality, that's all you will be capable of doing for awhile. Trust me when I say that. Nothing good will come out of it. If you do go head first into a relationship, it will probably be compensatory and selfish foundationally. It might seem right at the time, but it's almost inevitable that it will blow up badly and people (not you) will be hurt. You are right at the beginning....real realities will eventually settle in on you.

 

Good luck with everything.

Edited January 19, 2014 by RonaldS

[Johnson1]

Either it'll feel wonderful and fun and exciting, or it will frighten you and make you pine for your ex.

 

Nothing could ever make me pine for my ex!

[Silly Girl924]

Although I've never been divorced or seperated, when my ex of 3 or 4 years and I broke up, I started dating someone new a few months later and I knew I'd be ok because I realized I had clocked out emotionally from my ex way before the break up. I knew I wouldn't bring any emotional baggage with me into "the dating scene." I learned from my mistakes, saw my ex for who he really is clearly, and tossed it over my shoulder as another chapter in my life opened up. It also helps to think about it really hard if you think you'd go back to your ex. Just ask yourself "if I met someone amazing and we started dating and my ex came back in my life wanting to make things right, would I?" I know for me, if my ex tried to come around and get me back, I'd kindly tell him that that part of our lives are over but I could offer him platonic friendship

[Johnson1]

Dude, who knows?

 

Divorce is a whole different monster than breaking up. Breaking up is breaking up, and at the end of the day, who really cares either way. You just sort of get over it.

 

Divorce is more like a death. But it's a death that keeps happening. It seems like every time you get to that point where you're feeling good, the phone rings and somebody tells you that somebody you love died. From your earlier posts, you are very early in the process. No matter how checked out you were in the marriage, or how much you want out, or how good you think you feel, you will find yourself being tossed around by wave after wave. Not for a few weeks. Not for a few months. Probably for years. You are about to start a whole new life, and you are going to reinvent or rediscover (or both) yourself in the process.

 

What this means is, right now, just take it easy. You want to go out and f**k around, keep it light and casual, and find women who are on the same page with you, go for it. Live your life, but be upfront with the women you meet. Get some kicks in.

 

You want to form a relationship? I wouldn't even be considering it if I were you. I will tell you from experience....who you are now and how you feel, it's not authentic. There is no way you could possibly be an equitable partner to anybody. Giving tiny fractions of your heart to a woman is not a good relationship formula, and in reality, that's all you will be capable of doing for awhile. Trust me when I say that. Nothing good will come out of it. If you do go head first into a relationship, it will probably be compensatory and selfish foundationally. It might seem right at the time, but it's almost inevitable that it will blow up badly and people (not you) will be hurt. You are right at the beginning....real realities will eventually settle in on you.

 

Good luck with everything.

 

Thanks Ron. Well put. You're right, at this point I just want to have some short term fun. Something I owe myself after what I've put up with over the last 15 years.

 

Even though I resented my wife when she was here and I wanted my son to grow up and leave his room to kick his life as an individual into gear, I still feel kinda bad doing so, and I know it might take me a while to get over that. The fact that my son has been very nasty to me since the separation doesn't help. He won't talk to me and has been downright hateful via texts, but I understand that he's doing it out of fear and misunderstanding, and I know this change will make him a stronger, more independent person in the long run. Hopefully someday he'll see the light and we'll be able to talk again. It all depends on what my ex is putting in his ear about me (or not putting in his ear about me because she knows I'm a good dad and she should be mature enough to defend me now that I'm not around). I'm not sure she will though because she did an outstanding my of making our kids hate me by making me out to be the bad guy because I was the one who disciplined and had to tell them 'no', while she took their side on everything and let them get away with everything they wanted and being lazy. My son still only works part time at a retail store and he's 21 with no GED because my ex started homeschool, but never followed through on it. I've encouraged him to put in the effort to get it, but he's just too lazy. She doesn't push him either. Whatever he wants to do is fine with her as long as she stays on his good side.

Edited January 22, 2014 by Vocals5