mortensorchid Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Last night I went out on an Internet date with someone at a Starbucks. I could tell it was a bad sign when when we were communicating via text and I asked him for a location where we should meet he said "I don't care, you pick." When someone literally says "I don't care" they won't about a lot of other things as well. I met him there, I was waiting inside and he comes in shivering because it was 8 degrees out and he had no coat on. I said "Why don't you have any clothes on?" he said he couldn't afford to get a new coat. I had on long underwear under my clothes but wasn't about to point that out to him. After we got our coffees, we sat down and I tried to have a conversation with him. I was in pain, truly. I just got yes/no answers out of him. I tried to offer more information about me without sounding like I was boasting about myself, hoping he would latch onto something and we would go off on a tangent about something. No luck. I asked where he went to high school, he said he went to (Name) and said "Yeah, I was a dummy, I could barely get through so they put me in this vocational program." I asked what he did, he said he built scaffolding, before I said anything else he said defensively "I like it." I did something that I had never done before, I told him I had someplace else I had to be that night (after a grand total of being together for 30 minutes, a new record on my part for shortest amount of time spent). I said, just so we were on the same page "I doubt we will be seeing or speaking to each other after tonight." He said "Yeah." I said "You're a good guy and all, but I don't think we are really right for one another." He said "No, not by a long shot." I said "Thank you for the evening though." I gave him my hand to shake it, he wouldn't take it. I think he was offended or something. I got up and said "Good night" and walked out. I guess I can pat myself on the back for good communications but otherwise he seemed a little defensive. Just got a bad feeling from him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 "I doubt we will be seeing or speaking to each other after tonight." [/Quote] You said that? Yikes. I think I'd rather have the girl dump coffee in my lap. You're curious as to why he didn't shake your hand? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Probably best not to tell someone in person "I doubt I will ever want to see you or speak to you again" (basically what you said.) Seems to be unnecessarily hurtful and have a good chance of causing a scene, or worse. You sounded ill-matched to the point that it should have been easy to avoid wasting your time with a meeting. Maybe work a bit harder on weeding them out online next time? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Yeah, you were unnecessarily harsh. You could have just said you had dinner plans and left. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mortensorchid Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 I did not hurt the man's feelings in the slightest, it was a mutual agreement I felt. When he did not shake my hand I was a bit surprised, that was just a small courtesy the other person deserves. Still, it's best this way. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBlingRing14 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Okay this was just plain painful. He can't afford a new coat. 1) They sell coats at Goodwill. 2) Why can't he wear his old coat? I don't understand why guys talk about what they can't afford on the first meeting or within the first couple of days. To me, it is extremely off-putting. He should be trying to impress you, not highlighting his shortcomings. I'm not saying he should lie and say he's rich, but don't moan about your deficiencies either. His heart clearly wasn't in it. Either he was feeling really insecure about himself or he wasn't interested and put on a show so that you would be even more disinterested. I am so sorry for your waste of time. Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I did not hurt the man's feelings in the slightest[/Quote] How do you know that? it was a mutual agreement I felt.[/Quote] How was it mutual if you felt it? When he did not shake my hand I was a bit surprised[/Quote] I don't know why. You were harsh in your goodbye, why should he be courteous in his? that was just a small courtesy the other person deserves. [/Quote] The other person also deserves to not be told by a stranger "I don't think we will be seeing each other or talking again." Again, harsh and pretty cold. You can have a pleasant goodbye and if he texts you later in the week for another date, you tell him "I don't think so. I didn't really feel a connection," or if you guys had zero chemistry, as you felt, then it would be obvious. You'd both say your goodbyes and both walk away saying to yourselves "well, that one didn't work out." I mean, I'm uncomfortable disagreeing with people I'm meeting for the first time, not knowing how they respond to disagreements, so I stay away from controversial subjects and the like. I can't even imagine telling someone face to face that I don't plan to see them or talk to them ever again. Maybe I'm a pussy. Or maybe I'm considerate of the other person's feelings. Still, it's best this way. Agreed. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBlingRing14 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 The other person also deserves to not be told by a stranger "I don't think we will be seeing each other or talking again." Again, harsh and pretty cold. You can have a pleasant goodbye and if he texts you later in the week for another date, you tell him "I don't think so. I didn't really feel a connection," or if you guys had zero chemistry, as you felt, then it would be obvious. You'd both say your goodbyes and both walk away saying to yourselves "well, that one didn't work out." Here's where I disagree with you. As a gal who has left many a date or casual meeting feeling like things went really great, because he SAID they went really great, and he seemed pretty pleasant, and then never spoken to ever again by said person or if I'm lucky, will reply with a "Sorry, I didn't feel a connection," it sucks. I always feel duped and hurt and try to re-trace every single word, every single step. He smiled and said he had a really good time and he'd talk to me soon. What could I possibly have mis-interpreted from that? I would much rather have the truth from the get-go. As much as it would hurt in that moment, I'd prefer to know where I stand immediately, instead of being led on and hurt down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confuddled1983 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I don't think the OP was rude at all. they took time out of their day to go and meet with someone who they felt could be a potential match for them only to be met with, what sounds like, someone who simply couldn't be bothered to make the effort. The OP probably spent a lot of time getting ready and taking the time to drive/walk to meet them, probably spent a lot of time thinking of conversation and wondering how it would go etc and this person turns up like they really just cannot be dealing with it! I'd be pretty peeved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Hey i wish i found a girl with her honesty in los angeles... its better than being led on 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 The guy clearly wasn't interested in her so it should have been no surprise when she said, essentially, there's no future. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Last night I went out on an Internet date with someone at a Starbucks. I could tell it was a bad sign when when we were communicating via text and I asked him for a location where we should meet he said "I don't care, you pick." When someone literally says "I don't care" they won't about a lot of other things as well. I met him there, I was waiting inside and he comes in shivering because it was 8 degrees out and he had no coat on. I said "Why don't you have any clothes on?" he said he couldn't afford to get a new coat. I had on long underwear under my clothes but wasn't about to point that out to him. After we got our coffees, we sat down and I tried to have a conversation with him. I was in pain, truly. I just got yes/no answers out of him. I tried to offer more information about me without sounding like I was boasting about myself, hoping he would latch onto something and we would go off on a tangent about something. No luck. I asked where he went to high school, he said he went to (Name) and said "Yeah, I was a dummy, I could barely get through so they put me in this vocational program." I asked what he did, he said he built scaffolding, before I said anything else he said defensively "I like it." I did something that I had never done before, I told him I had someplace else I had to be that night (after a grand total of being together for 30 minutes, a new record on my part for shortest amount of time spent). I said, just so we were on the same page "I doubt we will be seeing or speaking to each other after tonight." He said "Yeah." I said "You're a good guy and all, but I don't think we are really right for one another." He said "No, not by a long shot." I said "Thank you for the evening though." I gave him my hand to shake it, he wouldn't take it. I think he was offended or something. I got up and said "Good night" and walked out. I guess I can pat myself on the back for good communications but otherwise he seemed a little defensive. Just got a bad feeling from him. Dumb question, don't you filter out the job/no job stuff before you meet? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrCastle Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Here's where I disagree with you. As a gal who has left many a date or casual meeting feeling like things went really great, because he SAID they went really great, and he seemed pretty pleasant, and then never spoken to ever again by said person or if I'm lucky, will reply with a "Sorry, I didn't feel a connection," it sucks. I always feel duped and hurt and try to re-trace every single word, every single step. He smiled and said he had a really good time and he'd talk to me soon. What could I possibly have mis-interpreted from that? I would much rather have the truth from the get-go. As much as it would hurt in that moment, I'd prefer to know where I stand immediately, instead of being led on and hurt down the road. Most people say they want that. Transparency, honesty, etc. In reality, few people can actually handle brutal honesty. They get offended, they get hurt, they take it personal, etc. Courtesy should not be confused with being led on, or phoniness, etc. And also, when you go on a date, in particular, a first internet date -- there should be no expectations. You don't know how this person is gonna be in real life, you don't know how many other people this person is talking to, etc -- so you shouldn't walk away with any expectations. If I had a great time with a girl (in my mind) and she shut me down via text the next week, sure I'd be bummed, but feeling like I had a great time, and then her telling me right there face to face that she doesn't see us talking or meeting up ever again, would be a gut punch, and would do a lot more damage to my ego, and I'd assume most peoples' egos. Again, people say they want honesty, but few can handle it. At least in that sense. No one wants to be told something like that, let alone face to face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Trust me, they can be worse. I was meeting a guy from the Internet as well. I was already seated at a table, when he came in, gave me a glance, got his coffee and sat at a different table. He looked a little like his picture, but not much. I had described what I was wearing before we met. After a few minutes, I went over to him and asked, " are you manxxx0000?" He had told me he had a "slight hearing problem." Turns out, he was almost deaf. He had gone to the hearing impaired school, growing up and I'm sure they taught them to moderate their speaking volume. What he didn't realize was the place we were was noisy, so I couldn't hear him. He said he could lip read, but I spent a lot of time writing notes. We lived 90 minutes apart and I realized phone calls were not possible, so our communication would be IMing (this is before texting). I referred to it as my blind, deaf date. I've probably had close to 100 blind Internet dates, maybe more. That was the only time I had someone make eye contact, but then sit elsewhere, across the room. But, I probably wouldn't tell someone in person we didn't have a connection. I'd go through all the other niceties, though. You knew you weren't interested. Is your life really so busy you couldn't just wait to text him later and say, "nice 2 meet u, but I dnt think we r a match. Gud luck." ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosopher Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Probably best not to tell someone in person "I doubt I will ever want to see you or speak to you again" (basically what you said.) Seems to be unnecessarily hurtful and have a good chance of causing a scene, or worse. You sounded ill-matched to the point that it should have been easy to avoid wasting your time with a meeting. Maybe work a bit harder on weeding them out online next time? If the date only lasted thirty minutes with a very stunted conversation, it should have been very obvious to the guy that you were not going to meet him again. Unless the guy was really clueless on reading how well a date was going it probably was unnecessary to tell him that you were not going to meet again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I don't think she was harsh at all,he made zero effort,zero, so why wouldn't you say I hope to never endure this again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Just one question. Out of all the guys to choose from online, how did this clearly uninterested and more or less clueless guy get a date with you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I don't think the OP was rude at all. It was rude. Even if his disinterest was also rude, it's no excuse. The guy obviously had very poor social skills. Why say what she said, and risk him flipping out or causing a scene? Like Philo said, it should have already been obvious that it didn't go well. The awkward conversation and ending it after half an hour says enough. There's so many better ways to convey it other than blatant verbal dismissal. What she said should have been phrased more nicely, and probably sent via text or email. (Probably didn't need to be said at all.) Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 You're right, you weren't a match. And it's better you don't see each other again. However, I'm curious what attracted you to him online? I have to agree with some others that is was a little harsh to say what you said. If you're sure the feeling was mutual, there's really no need to come out an say this. A simple "Have a good night; Good bye." would likely have sufficed in that case. I'm not sure why you're even slightly surprised he didn't shake your hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aquanut Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 When I did OLD briefly I would always tell her where things stood after the initial meeting. Something like this if not interested: It was great meeting you. Good luck in your search. (Was this too brutal?) Something like this if interested: I had a lot of fun. I hope we can get together again sometime. If I got a favorable response from her, sometime in the next few days I'd make sure to invite her on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
antonio1149 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I don't think she was harsh at all I agree. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging the obvious, or conveying that you have no further interest. You'll probably end up doing this one way or another anyway. People have to be willing to accept rejection graciously--it's part of dating. What she said was not directly insulting to the guy. This is the approach I take when contacted online if I'm not interested. I just say "I don't think we're a match," which is about the most innocuous thing I can think of. The OP's description sounds like the classic case of knowing the instant you see someone that you're not interested and therefore not wanting to give any encouraging vibes. This is common because people often send deceptive pictures--10 years and 50 pounds ago, or just a face shot that cleverly hides their obesity. Sometimes they just plain look a lot better in photos than in real life. If this occurs, I still try to be friendly and conversational but sometimes I wonder if this is worse because I'm giving false hope. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 You found the human version of Eeyore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Party foul, OP. You should have just said 'thanks for meeting, but I have to go' when you didn't want to stay any longer. And how did you two ever go out in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Just one question. Out of all the guys to choose from online, how did this clearly uninterested and more or less clueless guy get a date with you? Was his OLD page completely fake? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 He was good looking, duh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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