GF want to stay friends with ex

[tory2000]

My girlfriend and I have been together for less than a year (since May), but it's gotten pretty serious. We are in love and are very open with each other. She has continued to stay in touch via text only with her ex boyfriend (she was with him for 4 years). He knows who I am, but for months my GF did not want to even tell him that she was in a new relationship. She finally told him in November, but told him that she didn't want to tell him who it was. They text back and forth a few times a week, and although the texts are pretty short and uninteresting "Hi, how are you?" "How's work?" (I know because she tells me, plus, I have full access to her phone and she has full access to mine. She doesn't mind if I see her messages, and we often ask the other to write messages on our phones to others while we are driving, cooking, etc.). Nevertheless, I am uncomfortable with their steady communication. I told her about this, and also told her that I feel that the ex would probably be less interested in communicating if he knew that it was me she was dating. She says she doesn't want to lose him as a friend, and that she would like to be able to keep in touch with him. That sounds fine, but I don't think I like the frequency. Also, I have tried to stay friends with exes, and it has never worked out because one of us realized we wanted to be more than friends. Sooner or later we stop talking to each other. I've been patient with my current GF and her ex, and I would continue to do so if I have to, but that is not what I want, and the whole business has me pretty uncomfortable. I just want the guy to go away. I wonder if I would feel better if she told him who it was that she was seeing, or if even if she did tell him, I wonder if I'd still wish they didn't keep in touch so much.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks!

[almond]

She states that she wants to remain friends with her ex, but it is hardly a friendship if she refuses to tell him that she is with you. Who needs to lie to their friends about who their partner is?

 

If she wants to stay friends with him, you should at the very least, be included. Her refusing to even tell him who you are is very disrespectful. She's scared that he won't talk to her anymore because she's with you? And she's happy to lie to him about YOU to keep HIM in her life? Screw that.

 

She's living a lie with her ex. That frequency of pointless communication, as well as the lies are concerning.

 

I'd tell her once again that you are very uncomfortable with the nature of the friendship - it's crossing boundaries and making you unhappy. She needs to respect this and either cut contact, or tell the truth about you and keep limited contact if you're okay with it.

 

Put your foot down. Don't let her pretend you don't exist just to keep an ex hanging on the line.

[mortensorchid]

Do you and the ex bf know each other? It seems to because not only did you not want your gf to tell him that she was with someone else, but because you don't want her to tell him that she is with YOU specifically? It sounds like you do know him. Maybe you want to remain anonymous because of these facts?

 

 

Well guess what ... In the world of Facebook and the Internet, everyone knows everyone's business. It's really not that hard to find out information about another person, and I'm not just talking about romantic relationships either. I hate to say this, but I may be totally off as well, it sounds like both the ex bf and gf are kind of living in lala land. You think that because the other person is no longer with you, they are out there still single and alone. The minute that the other person hooks up with someone else (be it long term or fleeting), you as the other party left behind take that hard. That person moved on, which the gf did. Has the ex bf? Sounds like not. And he is still clinging to the hope they will get back together, but she is liking the ego stroke it gives her. Because she's not ignoring him completely.

 

 

Just a thought on it ...

 

 

As for you and her, I would tell her that you will not demand that she tell this gal not to contact her anymore, but make sure you know where you stand with her.

[ThatMan]

You shouldn't have to be patient being the third wheel in order to make a relationship work. You already have a great deal of insight into the nature of continued relationships with an ex. She's actually been hiding you from her ex, most likely because she wants to continue things with him, or even possibly because she's still casually seeing him.

 

I promise that this will end badly for you.

 

She puts the relationship with her ex before you, before your comfort, she doesn't even want to mention you, and she wants to continue things with him.

 

Maybe somebody once told you to go the distance, work and fight tooth and nail, and sacrifice to make relationships work. It might be hard to learn but relationships mean nothing to those who do not invest into them - which is typically the case for men and women who prefer a relationship remain a secret, rather than something to brag about and cherish. And after she's gone, you seem to have let her take your life with you.

Edited January 26, 2014 by ThatMan
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[veggirl]

Oh they are such good friends she can't even tell him who she is dating? She is prioritizing how he would feel knowing that info over how YOU feel. Not cool. I would not be okay with this.

[d0nnivain]

She's hiding your identity from her EX. What is she hiding from you?

 

 

Just something to think about.

[organizedchaos]

How long ago did they break up before you met her?

 

 

If this was an from long ago, then its probably harmless. If this was the most recent ex before you, and wasn't too long prior to you, then id have a problem with the constant need for her to stay in touch with him.