conehead Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 I'm getting married to my fiance in 4 months. He's been married previously, but my family doesn't know that. My parents are really traditional and will disapprove of us if they found out. I want to avoid the drama and I think that this piece of information is okay to be kept between me and my fiance. Is it possible to hide this information from them forever just on a LEGAL standpoint? By that, I mean when we get married, his marriage license will say 'divorced'...I'm scared whoever the witness signing will see this. Is it possible for them to not see it? My dad was the witness for my sister's wedding, so he will definitely want to be the witness again. What if he sees on the license that FI is divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Why don't you ask the grooms father to be the witness and not use your Dad? Have the witness already in place. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 If you're adult enough to get married, you're adult enough to tell your family the truth about your fiance. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Terrible idea, what a great thing to post on Mother's Day. You should feel ashamed of yourself. Tell them the truth and include them in your decision making process. Your fiance may bolt in a year, but your Mom is always your Mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 No you cannot. Even though he is divorced, this past marriage will legally follow him all of his life. My ex husband died a few months ago, even though he was remarried I had to be involved in every aspects of his succession because we had once been married. Also because he had not done a new Will, the one we had done together 25 years ago was still good. And yes, I showed up at the funeral to pay my respect to his family. So, like someone said, if you are old and mature enough to get married then you are capable to stand up for him in front of your family and tell them. If they criticize tell them this is the man you picked for yourself and you expect he will be respected as such. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 I'm getting married to my fiance in 4 months. He's been married previously, but my family doesn't know that. My parents are really traditional and will disapprove of us if they found out. I want to avoid the drama and I think that this piece of information is okay to be kept between me and my fiance. Is it possible to hide this information from them forever just on a LEGAL standpoint? By that, I mean when we get married, his marriage license will say 'divorced'...I'm scared whoever the witness signing will see this. Is it possible for them to not see it? My dad was the witness for my sister's wedding, so he will definitely want to be the witness again. What if he sees on the license that FI is divorced? So stupid to hide something like this. Time to put your big girl panties on and just let them know. Don't even make it a big deal or allow them to question you about it. You're a grown woman, act like it. What are you gonna do spend the next 20 years hiding and lying about this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 11, 2014 Share Posted May 11, 2014 Once you start with lies, you have to be paranoid, as you are now. No need to announce it to them but if it comes up, you can casually say yes he was. They will get over it. As someone else says, you're an adult, I mean yes it's nice to have parental approval, but as a grown person getting married it seems silly to be sneaking around hiding things from your parents as though you're a teenager running off with your bf. You should be able to say your truth and they like it or don't, but it's such a burden and a silly one at that to try to hide this from them. Is there any other reason why they'd disapprove? When did he get divorced? How long ago was his last marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author conehead Posted May 12, 2014 Author Share Posted May 12, 2014 Here is more details on this situation http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/476605-reason-call-off-wedding Married 6 years ago, divorce happened while I was with him, though I had no idea of it at the time.... So technically, he was married for part of our relationship, though its very hard for me to think about that, it makes me feel so disgusted at myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) Here is more details on this situation http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/476605-reason-call-off-wedding Married 6 years ago, divorce happened while I was with him, though I had no idea of it at the time.... So technically, he was married for part of our relationship, though its very hard for me to think about that, it makes me feel so disgusted at myself. Can you clarify the timeline? He was married 6 years ago (does that mean he got married 6 years ago?) You started a relationship 2.5 years ago. When did he finalize his divorce? When did he tell you he was married? Did he keep that from you for part of your relationship? Edited to add: I just re-read the other thread, and now realize that he only told you about this previous marriage a few days ago, so that answers the second and third questions. Clearly he has kept this marriage from you for your entire 2.5 year relationship, and as I stated in the other thread, I wouldn't have a problem so much with a "previous marriage", but with the fact that he was still in the marriage while he was with you, and kept that fact from you right from the start, and all the way until now. Edited May 12, 2014 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 While I get what so many people are saying when they are saying 'if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell your family the truth!' I disagree that the OP is obligated to tell her family this information. It is not relevant to anybody but her and her future husband and is none of her family's business if she doesn't want it to be. If she wants to keep that information private I'd suggest asking somebody else to witness the signatures, somebody who knows that you want to keep his divorced status a secret and who won't go and gossip about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Two thoughts: 1) As an adult, it is your right to choose which aspects of your personal/love life you share with your parents, and which aspects you would rather keep private. IMO you are under no obligation to tell your family, though I would advise against going to great lengths to hide it either. 2) I'm inclined to agree with Trimmer, the part about him lying to you while his divorce still wasn't settled, is a huge red flag IMO. If it had happened 10 years in the past and hadn't overlapped with your R, my answer would be different. The overlap is a really serious issue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 I read your other threads. If I understand correctly, the issue isn't that he was previously married but that he was married while he was dating you, and that he never told you about the fact that he was married until quite recently. Personally, I think you have bigger things to think about than whether you should tell your parents. Is your hesitation in telling your parents due to do with not wanting to hear truths that might make you question the suitability of marrying this guy? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Wow, this post is soooo misleading. Thanks to the posters who did research! If you're willing to give such a misleading post to strangers I can only imagine the crap you're telling your family! It's gonna come out eventually! One day you will be wishing you told them so they could've talked sense into you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Wow, this post is soooo misleading. Thanks to the posters who did research! If you're willing to give such a misleading post to strangers I can only imagine the crap you're telling your family! It's gonna come out eventually! One day you will be wishing you told them so they could've talked sense into you. Hey, be kind. I think this was the first post on this topic by the poster, I took it as her dipping her toes in the water, about this specific question: 'can you hide a previous marriage from the family?' Later, after receiving advice, she did decide to post a further topic asking about the deeper issues, such as him hiding his marriage from her, which I agree is far bigger a problem than this post makes it seem. Not everyone finds it easy to come and post all about a truly painful situation to a bunch of strangers. Nor are they obligated to tell us anything they don't want to, until they're ready. As long as they know that the advice they get in return will only reflect upon the things they DID tell us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Hey, be kind. I think this was the first post on this topic by the poster, I took it as her dipping her toes in the water, about this specific question: 'can you hide a previous marriage from the family?' Later, after receiving advice, she did decide to post a further topic asking about the deeper issues, such as him hiding his marriage from her, which I agree is far bigger a problem than this post makes it seem. Not everyone finds it easy to come and post all about a truly painful situation to a bunch of strangers. Nor are they obligated to tell us anything they don't want to, until they're ready. As long as they know that the advice they get in return will only reflect upon the things they DID tell us. Yes, you can post what you want and leave details out but then why bother? Hiding a marriage that's been done & over is very different than hiding a marriage because you were courted while he was still married are two very different situations. I think most of us were wondering what's the big deal but after hearing the whole story it makes much more sense. None of this is OP's fault and she shouldn't be ashamed. Most of us give thought to what we respond and try to give the best advice we can to help others so being told the whole story we can give better advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) Yes, you can post what you want and leave details out but then why bother? Hiding a marriage that's been done & over is very different than hiding a marriage because you were courted while he was still married are two very different situations. I think most of us were wondering what's the big deal but after hearing the whole story it makes much more sense. None of this is OP's fault and she shouldn't be ashamed. Most of us give thought to what we respond and try to give the best advice we can to help others so being told the whole story we can give better advice. Fair points, all, but part of the whole story (on the other thread) is that she's of Asian descent, and feels like she will be shamed by her family because of this. So while it's easy to say "you don't need to be ashamed", these kinds of situations are never that simple. There's almost always shame involved, even when it's undeserved. Most of what you've said has been right on, but given the context I've suggested above, I think this line: "If you're willing to give such a misleading post to strangers I can only imagine the crap you're telling your family!" might be a little harsh... Her situation is essentially a newly discovered betrayal, and she's still trying to figure it all out; your line seems to suggest that she should feel more shame for her unsettled thought processes during a new, developing, confusing, turbulent situation. Edited May 12, 2014 by Trimmer 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted May 12, 2014 Share Posted May 12, 2014 Fair points, all, but part of the whole story (on the other thread) is that she's of Asian descent, and feels like she will be shamed by her family because of this. So while it's easy to say "you don't need to be ashamed", these kinds of situations are never that simple. There's almost always shame involved, even when it's undeserved. Most of what you've said has been right on, but given the context I've suggested above, I think this line: "If you're willing to give such a misleading post to strangers I can only imagine the crap you're telling your family!" might be a little harsh... Her situation is essentially a newly discovered betrayal, and she's still trying to figure it all out; your line seems to suggest that she should feel more shame for her unsettled thought processes during a new, developing, confusing, turbulent situation. No, I'm looking more at the magnitude that hiding this had already taken on. So much so that you ask for advice yet leave a vital part out. So I can't imagine what the family has been told! If she plans to stay married forever this can come up in umpteen amount of ways over the years with a new twist or lie to back it up. Link to post Share on other sites
luvshaq Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Encouraging your fiancé to be deceptive can backfire on you. Why is he divorced anyway? Did you hear both sides of the story or just his? If you're this insecure about your parents finding out about a divorce, how much pressure can you marriage take when you have 21st century problems? Link to post Share on other sites
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