LifeandPerseverance Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I really have no idea what category to put this under. Long story short: Old friend invited me to his Halloween party last night. I've always kind of had a thing for him, and the party was great. Everybody had some drinks, then went out. In a crowded club, with just enough alcohol in me, I tried to tell him what I've always thought of him. I asked, "What's your deal with girls? You're attractive, tall, smart and interesting, so why don't you ever have girls around? Are you...gay?" I phrased it well and didn't come out as offensively as it does right there on the internet. He told me quote, "I had a girlfriend in high school, but not in 5 years (we just graduated from college, so that equals all of college he hasn't had a relationship). I go on a date occasionally. I don't flirt. And that's what girls like, that's what they want. However, I am really good at math (he's engineer, and this made me laugh). I'm not gay. How long has it been since you had a boyfriend?" "Couple years?" "And are you gay?" "No." We needed to go down to find his friends shortly after, so I didn't get to say much else, except mention once more squeezed into the conversation that he's "attractive". He had told me earlier I could stay the night if I wanted (nice, because I wanted to drink and wouldn't if I had to drive, obviously.). We came back to his apartment, and I was going to go get my sleeping bag. Him, "No, don't go back to your car. Just use mine." He got it for me, then changed his mind, and decided he wanted ME to sleep in his bed, and he would sleep ON THE FLOOR in his sleeping bag. He shares a room with his roommate, and the roommate had a girl-kind of more than a friend-staying over, who was going to sleep up in his bed. My friend was like refusing to sleep in his own giant queen bed with me. I thought "Okay that's it then." And within 5 minutes he changed his mind before he turned the light out, climbed up in the bed, STILL IN THE SLEEPING BAG, ON TOP OF THE COVERS, and slept in bed next to me like 1.5 ft away the whole night. Never touched me. Nothing. In that almost awkward, hyper-aware of where someone is way. This morning, roommate #3--the lucky guy with his own room, told me while my friend was in the shower, "No, he wasn't avoiding you. I saw. He would do the same for any girl--he would avoid sleeping in the bed at all cost. And if he did, he would want to respect you and not encroach on your space. I'm surprised he got up there at all." I definitely got the feeling girls don't stay over often, if ever, for him. Not that I sleep in a bunch of strange people's beds--I can count the guys I've fallen asleep near on one hand, but I've never had one NOT make an attempt to touch me? I guess my question..If he avoided touching me (he wasn't drunk, neither was I. We weren't sober exactly but not downright drunk), is that pretty obvious, a guy's not interested? Or was he just being awkward and respectful as a guy who's had no experience since he was 17, and according to himself "doesn't and can't flirt"? He's a great guy--when we all went out, made sure I took an extra jacket of his (on top of my own), got me water as well as himself at the club, offered me his shorts to sleep in, etc etc. Also, was my comment about him being attractive..would most guys GET that I was saying I'm interested? Even an oblivious one? We're 23 and 24. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 he showed you respect and honored yoru personal space....doesnt mean he doesnt like you actually means the opposite...groping a woman holds little value or standards in the liking department.........deb 13 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 The guy is a wuss. He may find you attractive but he doesnt know what to do. Also, you score no points by just telling him that he's attractive, its something corny that girls say when they want to get with a low-quality guy. He might just think youre a low-quality girl. He could still be attracted to you. And he's still a wuss 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MissMoneyPenny Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Oh he sounds lovely. I would try to meet-up with him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I think he's feeling things out. Not rushing into anything. He's not sure how he feels about you. I'm a straight guy. I've gone 5 years without a girlfriend. I've gotten into bed with women and not had sex with them. Granted I did touch them. People are wired differently. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 @OP....Now that this has happened, I think you just need to grab him next time and give it to him straight. You: Listen good looking guy, I want you to take me and have your wicked way with me Or Smack his bum, rub his back / thigh and draw him a map if you have to. If he still doesn't get it, them move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Day.One Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 he showed you respect and honored yoru personal space....doesnt mean he doesnt like you actually means the opposite...groping a woman holds little value or standards in the liking department.........deb . . . . This. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Wow that's so weird! Getting into a sleeping bag on top of the bed? I can't ever imagine sleeping in the same bed with a woman who wasn't family, without wanting to have sex with her. I would at least try to make out with her. If this is a woman I have no interest in, I would not sleep in the same bed with, especially if I had a sleeping bag. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Day.One Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 @OP....Now that this has happened, I think you just need to grab him next time and give it to him straight. You: Listen good looking guy, I want you to take me and have your wicked way with me Or Smack his bum, rub his back / thigh and draw him a map if you have to. If he still doesn't get it, them move on. . . . . And this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 This wasn't him picking you up. This was him not letting you drive home drunk. He wasn't hitting on you, obviously. He zipped himself up in a bag to be sure of it. He's not interested. You're probably too wild for him or something. He was being a pal. He's not into you and probably likes a different kind of woman -and thats' assuming he's telling the truth about not being gay. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 you questioned whether or not he was gay and then expected he would prove otherwise for you? perhaps he really is, or maybe you offended him and he was being polite, or maybe he just doesn't like you. besides, you shouldn't want a guy if you even have to question his sexuality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 You've known him for a long time, he's never expressed interest in you, you've never expressed interest in him. I'm going to go with: he looks at you like you're a sister figure. Why would something mysteriously happen in his bed when there's never been anything between you two? No flirting, no sneaky inuendos, nothing. You don't go from NOTHING to something out of completely no where. I think he was just sleeping in his bed with the knowledge that there was some one else there and he didn't want it to be weird or awkward. He's def a beta male though. If you're looking for someone to take charge and sweep you off your feet, and just "get" that you're into them by the way you're looking at him? This guy is definitely not it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cristo Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 I really have no idea what category to put this under. Long story short: Old friend invited me to his Halloween party last night. I've always kind of had a thing for him, and the party was great. Everybody had some drinks, then went out. In a crowded club, with just enough alcohol in me, I tried to tell him what I've always thought of him. I asked, "What's your deal with girls? You're attractive, tall, smart and interesting, so why don't you ever have girls around? Are you...gay?" I phrased it well and didn't come out as offensively as it does right there on the internet. He told me quote, "I had a girlfriend in high school, but not in 5 years (we just graduated from college, so that equals all of college he hasn't had a relationship). I go on a date occasionally. I don't flirt. And that's what girls like, that's what they want. However, I am really good at math (he's engineer, and this made me laugh). I'm not gay. How long has it been since you had a boyfriend?" "Couple years?" "And are you gay?" "No." We needed to go down to find his friends shortly after, so I didn't get to say much else, except mention once more squeezed into the conversation that he's "attractive". He had told me earlier I could stay the night if I wanted (nice, because I wanted to drink and wouldn't if I had to drive, obviously.). We came back to his apartment, and I was going to go get my sleeping bag. Him, "No, don't go back to your car. Just use mine." He got it for me, then changed his mind, and decided he wanted ME to sleep in his bed, and he would sleep ON THE FLOOR in his sleeping bag. He shares a room with his roommate, and the roommate had a girl-kind of more than a friend-staying over, who was going to sleep up in his bed. My friend was like refusing to sleep in his own giant queen bed with me. I thought "Okay that's it then." And within 5 minutes he changed his mind before he turned the light out, climbed up in the bed, STILL IN THE SLEEPING BAG, ON TOP OF THE COVERS, and slept in bed next to me like 1.5 ft away the whole night. Never touched me. Nothing. In that almost awkward, hyper-aware of where someone is way. This morning, roommate #3--the lucky guy with his own room, told me while my friend was in the shower, "No, he wasn't avoiding you. I saw. He would do the same for any girl--he would avoid sleeping in the bed at all cost. And if he did, he would want to respect you and not encroach on your space. I'm surprised he got up there at all." I definitely got the feeling girls don't stay over often, if ever, for him. Not that I sleep in a bunch of strange people's beds--I can count the guys I've fallen asleep near on one hand, but I've never had one NOT make an attempt to touch me? I guess my question..If he avoided touching me (he wasn't drunk, neither was I. We weren't sober exactly but not downright drunk), is that pretty obvious, a guy's not interested? Or was he just being awkward and respectful as a guy who's had no experience since he was 17, and according to himself "doesn't and can't flirt"? He's a great guy--when we all went out, made sure I took an extra jacket of his (on top of my own), got me water as well as himself at the club, offered me his shorts to sleep in, etc etc. Also, was my comment about him being attractive..would most guys GET that I was saying I'm interested? Even an oblivious one? We're 23 and 24. He might like you, but you trying to sleep with him is kind of trashy. I would lose interest if I were him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 (edited) You've known him for a long time, he's never expressed interest in you, you've never expressed interest in him. Not entirely true. Just to clarify: We've known each other literally since I was born. We were neighbors. My earliest childhood memories, as well as my nickname that I still am called by my entire family, were created by him. We moved when I was about 7. His family stayed in touch, we'd stop and visit or get dinner with them whenever we were back in town (often as my parents' family lives here), and they came out to visit on vacation when we were younger. I found him on facebook in high school and we've talked from time to time. I moved back to the area for law school this summer. He came and helped my brother and I with a building project when I was moving in. We hung out a couple times since, but I hadn't talked to him since Labor day prior to this. When I DID hang out with him on labor day, I didn't get any vibes he WASN'T interested, I was simply just enjoying his company and learning more about him. I also am responsible for not being a very capable flirt, and I didn't give off signals either So no, it's not like we've been around each other constantly for years and he's never done anything, there's simply never been an opportunity to KNOW prior to now. EDIT: Just to CLARIFY: I wasn't hoping to have sex with him. If anything I was hoping he'd kiss me even just simply sleep close to me. That was it. I wouldn't sleep with someone in that short of time. Period. I've had sex with one person, ever. I think that's pretty low for 23. If it ever goes up again, it will because the timing is right, the person means something to me, and I trust the person. Not before. Edited November 2, 2014 by LifeandPerseverance Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 No, I don't think he would get you were interested because you followed it up by questioning his sexuality. Even if you had just complimented him on being attractive that doesn't mean he'd necessarily think you were interested. I have opposite sex friends who complimented my physical appearance at different times and I'm sure I have complimented opposite sex friends as well on their physical appearance. That doesn't spell interest exactly especially if you've known each other for a long time and phrased it the way you did. Listen, I'd just work on flirting with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeandPerseverance Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 Just wrote him a text to thank him for inviting me, and in it I added, "I don't know if you remember what I said in ___(the bar) last night, but if you do, I wasn't trying to insult you--the contrary, that was my really inept way of telling you I find you really good looking but have been to chicken to say it. It ended up coming out awful." I think that clears it up right? That's the most ballsy text I think I've ever sent. What has law school done to my poor brain :\ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Or was he just being awkward and respectful as a guy who's had no experience since he was 17, and according to himself "doesn't and can't flirt"? ^I think this is it. As a person who didn't date for 5 straight years, it took me about 3-4 times in bed with a girl I really liked before I built up the courage to kiss her. I think this is how he felt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 He's an engineer lol what did you expect. He's awkward around women. There's a reason he hasn't had a relationship in 5 years. If you expect to get anywhere with him you're going to have to make some of the moves. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Three options 1/ Maths geek type of guy that's too shy to Iniate 2/Not attracted to you 3/ Likes you and doesn't want to be a sleaze Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 He might like you, but you trying to sleep with him is kind of trashy. I would lose interest if I were him. Yeah I just hate it when girls I like try to sleep with me. Totally trashy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jame22 Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 he showed you respect and honored yoru personal space....doesnt mean he doesnt like you actually means the opposite...groping a woman holds little value or standards in the liking department.........deb It has nothing to do with respect. If a guy likes a girl he's going to have to touch her eventually..the sooner the better. Like others have said, he's either not interested or he's a wuss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Day.One Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 Just wrote him a text to thank him for inviting me, and in it I added, "I don't know if you remember what I said in ___(the bar) last night, but if you do, I wasn't trying to insult you--the contrary, that was my really inept way of telling you I find you really good looking but have been to chicken to say it. It ended up coming out awful." I think that clears it up right? That's the most ballsy text I think I've ever sent. What has law school done to my poor brain :\ I think that was a really nice message. You put yourself out there to him ,and let him know you're interested. Great job. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 He isn't interested in you. Not because he didn't try to assault you while you were lying in his bed (FYI, 'she was in my room' doesn't necessarily count as consent), but because he's known you for so many years and hasn't ever tried to ask you out. Aside from that he sounds like a respectful gentleman who is a better friend than you deserve IMO. I think your 'why are you single for so long, are you gay?' line was really out of line, and it was really nice of him to still let you bunk in and give you his bed in spite of that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CoolKids Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 I never in my life thought I'd see this. A woman actually complaining that a dude didn't want to sleep with her? Has it occured that maybe, just maybe, he respects you? Is respectable men so rare these days that women are shocked by it? Don't think on it too much. If it bothers you so much, assume he definitely isn't into you for your body. Most girls would love a man that respected her space like that. Here you are complaining about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 The guy is a wuss. He may find you attractive but he doesnt know what to do. This. He doesn't flirt, hasn't had a relationship for five years, and is puritanically respectful in his desire to act gentlemanly. He has no clue how to make a move on you, and would be too terrified of rejection to do so even if he did. If you want to get anywhere with this guy, you are going to have to put in 100% of the effort to get there yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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