Why am I never "the one?"

[loveweary11]

I have been dating girls for a few years now after a divorce.

 

After 10 years, i wasn't the one for my ex wife. Now, I have many girls I have dated. I'm living and working with one right now.

 

We get along well, we have a great time together and we have sex regularly. Yet... she is pretty fresh out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Again, I'm not the one.

 

There are 2 other girls who are looking to visit me, both of which I've known for over a year now and have dated on amd off. Neither wants to get serious with me but one suggested coming to visit me for a week. The other suggested a long weekend.

 

Girls are definitely interested in me, but they don't want to be with me in a more serious way. They hold back. Granted, they are just out hooking up with everyone in my absence anyway and aren't letting anyone get close, but what am i doing wrong here?

 

It's not a one off thing. I go out with the best looking girls usually. Honestly, it takes a lot to get me sexually excited. I feel nothing toward most women, sexually, so these are top girls in terms of looks. All of them. My ex wife too.

 

Why doesn't anyone want to have a relationship?

 

Why am I never "the one" yet they keep coming back to me?

 

Why can't I find someone to share my life with again?

 

Everyone wants something casual and wants to hook up with tons of people. I don't. I want one special girl to give my all to.

 

What's wrong with me?

[Toodaloo]

Your seeking attraction with the wrong sort of women.

 

They do not want you, or any other man for that matter.

 

You seem to be pushing the "looks" card in your post.

 

Perhaps instead of looking for good looking girls all the time you should instead look to get to know women and only after you find someone who is on the same page start worrying about what they look like. Looks will fade, sometime slowly over time, sometime quickly in an accident. Its really the last thing you should be looking at when it comes to finding a life time partner.

 

Have you ever known someone to "grow" on you and the more you get to know them, the more gorgeous they become?

 

Perhaps your sexual attraction to someone is difficult because you are lethargic about these women because you know you are only being used as a piece of meat??

 

Just some thoughts...

[mightycpa]

Why doesn't anyone want to have a relationship?

You overstate the case, don't you?

I'm living and working with one [a girlfriend] right now.

 

Let's move on...

 

Why am I never "the one" yet they keep coming back to me?

 

Why can't I find someone to share my life with again?

 

Everyone wants something casual and wants to hook up with tons of people. I don't. I want one special girl to give my all to.

 

What's wrong with me?

Here's what's wrong:

 

I want one special girl to give my all to.

You're more concerned about the terms of the relationship than the person. You need to stop living with women, and date them instead. Lots of them. They will give you the feedback you need about whatever else is wrong with you. Most women won't be that special girl, but you do want to be ready when she shows up. The way you get ready is by making your mistakes with all the girls that came before her. You're doing that one at a time, which is totally inefficient. You're committing to exclusivity, which means that you might be tied up when the right one comes along.

 

I can see why people in high school date like that, maybe even college, but adults? You should know better by now.

 

If you're living with someone, and you've determined she's not "the one" then you need to get her out of there and start expanding your horizons.

[loveweary11]

Your seeking attraction with the wrong sort of women.

 

They do not want you, or any other man for that matter.

 

You seem to be pushing the "looks" card in your post.

 

Perhaps instead of looking for good looking girls all the time you should instead look to get to know women and only after you find someone who is on the same page start worrying about what they look like. Looks will fade, sometime slowly over time, sometime quickly in an accident. Its really the last thing you should be looking at when it comes to finding a life time partner.

 

Have you ever known someone to "grow" on you and the more you get to know them, the more gorgeous they become?

 

Perhaps your sexual attraction to someone is difficult because you are lethargic about these women because you know you are only being used as a piece of meat??

 

Just some thoughts...

 

Ok, this is legit.

 

I agree.

 

Problem is, I have no sexual attraction to average looking girls. Imagine eating the most exquisite foods your whole life, then having to eat at McDonald's. You just wouldn't want to eat. It's the same for me, sexually. I need a pretty good looking girl to even get aroused. Otherwise, I don't feel like doing anything sexual.

 

And... I'd be happy with a mostly asexual long term relationship, but i think about .03% of women would accept that.

 

Maybe there is a happy medium to be found?

[mightycpa]

I'd be happy with a mostly asexual long term relationship

I think you're looking for a mother, a caretaker. Perhaps you should describe why having such a relationship means so much to you.

[loveweary11]

I think you're looking for a mother, a caretaker. Perhaps you should describe why having such a relationship means so much to you.

 

No no... the exact opposite.

 

I enjoy taking care of her.

 

I liketo cook, I make a good living, I live a very exciting life. I just long for stable companionship. I like to take care of my girl.

[PinkInTheLimo]

After 10 years, i wasn't the one for my ex wife. Now, I have many girls I have dated. I'm living and working with one right now.

 

We get along well, we have a great time together and we have sex regularly. Yet... she is pretty fresh out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything serious.

 

Again, I'm not the one.

 

For starters, if you want to find a woman for who you are the one, living together and having sex with a woman for who you are not the one, is not a good idea.

The woman for who you will be the one will probably not like the fact that you live together with a woman as a practical and sexual arrangement...

 

There are 2 other girls who are looking to visit me, both of which I've known for over a year now and have dated on amd off. Neither wants to get serious with me but one suggested coming to visit me for a week. The other suggested a long weekend.

 

Girls are definitely interested in me, but they don't want to be with me in a more serious way. They hold back. Granted, they are just out hooking up with everyone in my absence anyway and aren't letting anyone get close, but what am i doing wrong here?

 

It's not a one off thing. I go out with the best looking girls usually. Honestly, it takes a lot to get me sexually excited. I feel nothing toward most women, sexually, so these are top girls in terms of looks. All of them. My ex wife too.

 

You probably have to reprogramme yourself to see the beauty in those women who are good looking but maybe not the best looking ones. The hot women get a lot of offers and if they do not have a solid character this will probably result in them not being very serious about relationships.

[mightycpa]

No no... the exact opposite.

 

I enjoy taking care of her.

 

I liketo cook, I make a good living, I live a very exciting life. I just long for stable companionship. I like to take care of my girl.

 

So, putting the focus back on the mostly asexual part, you want to be a caretaker.

 

Why is that so important to you?

 

If you want to take care of somebody, what would be wrong with adoption, for example? Or to be a foster parent?

 

You could cook, clean, entertain and take care of somebody who actually needs that in their life. I suspect that most grown women don't want that, as attractive as it sounds at first blush. I suspect that they're looking for a real connection with someone, and they find that this is lacking with you, because you're focused on the doing, rather than the connecting.

[Toodaloo]

Problem is, I have no sexual attraction to average looking girls. Imagine eating the most exquisite foods your whole life, then having to eat at McDonald's. You just wouldn't want to eat. It's the same for me, sexually. I need a pretty good looking girl to even get aroused. Otherwise, I don't feel like doing anything sexual.

 

Right well I can come back at you on both counts.

 

The vast majority of my exes are superbly good looking, Not just good looking but models and head turners, I am well know for picking "lookers" and didn't realise but most women don't bother to ask if a chap is handsome they just ask if I would go out with him...

 

There are two of my exes that no matter how hard you try to make them pretty they are just ugly. Both of those two ugly guys became beautiful in my eyes as I got to know them and FAR more so than any of the others. I found the beauty within them and the sex was absolutely mind blowing. Again FAR superior than with the pretty boys...

 

I had never had MacDonalds until about 3 months ago when a teenager dragged me along... While I still prefer my Michelin star chefs, my hand reared meats etc, there is something to be said for MacDonalds wrap things even if the apple pies taste like vomit... not even my dogs would touch it.

 

Love isn't about looks. If you think attraction is purely physical then your not going to find someone. You may be able to keep trading them in for younger models when they develop wrinkles but you won't have that one unless you commit mind body and spirit to her... The girls you are sleeping with know this... The woman who will stay with you when you are a crusty old fart who needs incontinence pads will not touch you with a barge pole when you are sleeping around and living with other women...

[loveweary11]

 

 

You're more concerned about the terms of the relationship than the person. You need to stop living with women, and date them instead. Lots of them. They will give you the feedback you need about whatever else is wrong with you. Most women won't be that special girl, but you do want to be ready when she shows up. The way you get ready is by making your mistakes with all the girls that came before her. You're doing that one at a time, which is totally inefficient. You're committing to exclusivity, which means that you might be tied up when the right one comes along.

 

I can see why people in high school date like that, maybe even college, but adults? You should know better by now.

 

If you're living with someone, and you've determined she's not "the one" then you need to get her out of there and start expanding your horizons.

 

This is all totally valid.

 

The only difference is the one living with me, i wanted more with. It's so weird. We have separate rooms. She is off this weekend partying. Doing stuff with other guys.

 

She said she doesn't want more. She's fresh out of a 4 year relationship and wants to, like every other girl for the past few years, go have her fun with other guys too.

 

So, by default, that leaves me having to do the same (with girls..lol).

 

So I took up both of the other 2 girls that want to come for a visit. They can stay in my room when they visit and whatever with the one that lives here. Right? She just wants to be fwb and go out to hook up with other guys, so I'll do the same while advancing my chances of finding someone to share things with.

[loveweary11]

So, putting the focus back on the mostly asexual part, you want to be a caretaker.

 

Why is that so important to you?

 

If you want to take care of somebody, what would be wrong with adoption, for example? Or to be a foster parent?

 

You could cook, clean, entertain and take care of somebody who actually needs that in their life. I suspect that most grown women don't want that, as attractive as it sounds at first blush. I suspect that they're looking for a real connection with someone, and they find that this is lacking with you, because you're focused on the doing, rather than the connecting.

 

 

Hmmm... That's why people get cats too, i guess. Good points! I'll have to think more deeply about them.

 

I mean, I've had this in the past. A marriage where we cared for and took care of each other. That part was great.

[Toodaloo]

This is all totally valid.

 

The only difference is the one living with me, i wanted more with. It's so weird. We have separate rooms. She is off this weekend partying. Doing stuff with other guys.

 

She said she doesn't want more. She's fresh out of a 4 year relationship and wants to, like every other girl for the past few years, go have her fun with other guys too.

 

So, by default, that leaves me having to do the same (with girls..lol).

 

So I took up both of the other 2 girls that want to come for a visit. They can stay in my room when they visit and whatever with the one that lives here. Right? She just wants to be fwb and go out to hook up with other guys, so I'll do the same while advancing my chances of finding someone to share things with.

 

I don't give a damn if I looked Like Rose West or Claudia Schiffer I would not date a guy who was in this situation... Just no and just wrong... I couldn't respect a person who lived like this... You could be Adonis for all I care I would still have images of little bugs crawling in your crutch... Not at all attractive imagery is it...?

 

If you treat others as disposable you will only attract people who treat you as disposable.

[loveweary11]

Right well I can come back at you on both counts.

 

The vast majority of my exes are superbly good looking, Not just good looking but models and head turners, I am well know for picking "lookers" and didn't realise but most women don't bother to ask if a chap is handsome they just ask if I would go out with him...

 

There are two of my exes that no matter how hard you try to make them pretty they are just ugly. Both of those two ugly guys became beautiful in my eyes as I got to know them and FAR more so than any of the others. I found the beauty within them and the sex was absolutely mind blowing. Again FAR superior than with the pretty boys...

 

I had never had MacDonalds until about 3 months ago when a teenager dragged me along... While I still prefer my Michelin star chefs, my hand reared meats etc, there is something to be said for MacDonalds wrap things even if the apple pies taste like vomit... not even my dogs would touch it.

 

Love isn't about looks. If you think attraction is purely physical then your not going to find someone. You may be able to keep trading them in for younger models when they develop wrinkles but you won't have that one unless you commit mind body and spirit to her... The girls you are sleeping with know this... The woman who will stay with you when you are a crusty old fart who needs incontinence pads will not touch you with a barge pole when you are sleeping around and living with other women...

 

Hmmm.. ok. Gotcha.

 

What do I do about not being able to perform, sexually, with the McDonald's types?

 

I've founb some perfect matches. Ones I thought would make excellent long term relationships. But.... i let them go because I knew for a fact I'd be unable to have passionate times with them within a week or 2 of meeting, which is what is expected.

[katiegrl]

There is nothing "wrong" with you... other than you do appear to lack a certain depth, which, if you possessed, would allow you to look beyond just the physical appearance of a woman in order to become sexually aroused.

 

There is so much more to "attraction" than simply finding them beautiful on the outside.

 

I have to wonder..have you ever felt true chemistry with a woman? By chemistry I am referring to a certain "energy" that's generating between you....which has little if nothing to do with looks. It's deeper...much much deeper.

 

I mean certainly finding someone attractive is important. But in many if not most cases, when two people are "clicking" on a deeper level ... that woman (or man) who at first you may not have thought to be the best looking woman in the room....suddenly becomes totally hot!!!

 

She becomes "special" and beautiful to YOU... because you and she have that certain "energy" "chemistry" "SPARK" going on between you...which makes her special! And you special to her as well!

 

Have you ever felt that way? Does this even make sense to you?

 

I have found that when a person has never felt true chemistry with a person... they either have no idea what I am talking about...or they think I'm full of shyt...insisting that all chemistry is is finding the other person hot.

 

When in reality it encompasses SO much more than that...and goes much deeper than simply finding someone beautiful on the outside.

 

Is this you?

Edited March 2, 2015 by katiegrl

[loveweary11]

I don't give a damn if I looked Like Rose West or Claudia Schiffer I would not date a guy who was in this situation... Just no and just wrong... I couldn't respect a person who lived like this... You could be Adonis for all I care I would still have images of little bugs crawling in your crutch... Not at all attractive imagery is it...?

 

If you treat others as disposable you will only attract people who treat you as disposable.

 

 

Um... no, it's the exact opposite. The one that lives with me is out all weekend this weekend with Tim, some dude she is banging. 2 weekends ago it was another guy.

 

Between, I tried to seal the deal for a commitment. She wouldn't have it.

 

She only wants to live together, work together and have fwb with me.

 

The other 2, I think one might be more like the girl I'm living with and the other, more genuine.

 

I want commitment. I want something real. Nobody else does. They all want musical chairs. That leaves me trying to find my seat too, every time the music ends. I don't prefer or want it. It's just the hand I've been dealt.

[SawtoothMars]

Again, I'm not the one.

 

I go out with the best looking girls usually. Honestly, it takes a lot to get me sexually excited. I feel nothing toward most women, sexually, so these are top girls in terms of looks. All of them. My ex wife too.

Why doesn't anyone want to have a relationship?

 

What's wrong with me?

 

Just like me they probably get the feeling you are shallow.

[kendahke]

Thank God you're not the one with someone fresh out of a relationship who is now living with you! Has she even been by herself long enough to process out that failed relationship before getting up under you? That there is a huge, neon red flag slapping you in the face.

[loveweary11]

There is nothing "wrong" with you... other than you do appear to lack a certain depth, which, if you possessed, would allow you to look beyond just the physical appearance of a woman in order to become sexually aroused.

 

There is so much more to "attraction" than simply finding them beautiful on the outside.

 

I have to wonder..have you ever felt true chemistry with a woman? By chemistry I am referring to a certain "energy" that's generating between you....which has little if nothing to do with looks. It's deeper...much much deeper.

 

I mean certainly finding someone attractive is important. But in many if not most cases, when two people are "clicking" on a deeper level ... that woman (or man) who at first you may not have thought to be the best looking woman in the room....suddenly becomes totally hot!!!

 

She becomes "special" and beautiful to YOU... because you and she have that certain "energy" "chemistry" "SPARK" going on between you...which makes her special! And you special to her as well!

 

Have you ever felt that way? Does this even make sense to you?

 

I have found that when a person has never felt true chemistry with a person... they either have no idea what I am talking about...or they think I'm full of shyt...insisting that all chemistry is is finding the other person hot.

 

When in reality it encompasses SO much more than that...and goes much deeper than simply finding someone beautiful on the outside.

 

Is this you?

 

Agreed, but it's a little more practical.

 

Put verty bluntly, my penis will not work unless a girl is exceptionally physically attractive.

 

Sex is sex. Love is love. It's best to have sex with someone you love. However, if the person you love isn't sexually attractive to you, having sex is pretty hard to do.

[loveweary11]

Just like me they probably get the feeling you are shallow.

 

Again, not. My penis doesn't work if im not sexually attracted.

[katiegrl]

Hmmm.. ok. Gotcha.

 

What do I do about not being able to perform, sexually, with the McDonald's types?

 

I've founb some perfect matches. Ones I thought would make excellent long term relationships. But.... i let them go because I knew for a fact I'd be unable to have passionate times with them within a week or 2 of meeting, which is what is expected.

 

McDonald's types? Okay I'll say it. The problem is you're shallow.

 

Not sure how one goes about changing that. Maybe therapy?

 

Don't know as I don't date, get along with or care to associate with shallow people.

[loveweary11]

Thank God you're not the one with someone fresh out of a relationship who is now living with you! Has she even been by herself long enough to process out that failed relationship before getting up under you? That there is a huge, neon red flag slapping you in the face.

 

She definitely has not been able to be by herself long enough to process anything else and told me this is why we are fwb. I'm just distraught because once again, I'm getting used I think.

 

I keep ending up as someone who is there part time, or half ass or for now. I'm never "the one" anymore. That's the point of the original post.

 

I want something real. Year after year I get hookups, fwb, etc...

 

I know this one living with me needs time. It's clear. But I only get these types of things now.

[mightycpa]

She only wants to live together, work together and have fwb with me.

As fun as that sounds, she's going to cramp your style because most women will tune in to that arrangement from a mile away, and have Toodoloo's reaction.

 

If you can take care of the live with you part with other arrangements, then you should, and your dating life will probably improve.

[katiegrl]

Agreed, but it's a little more practical.

 

Put verty bluntly, my penis will not work unless a girl is exceptionally physically attractive.

 

.

 

Which is your preogative and no one is faulting you for. But let's face it, your attitude is shallow. Lacks depth.

 

See my previous post... it explains in more "depth."

[kendahke]

It's not a one off thing. I go out with the best looking girls usually. Honestly, it takes a lot to get me sexually excited. I feel nothing toward most women, sexually, so these are top girls in terms of looks. All of them. My ex wife too.

 

What's wrong with me?

 

You're not as "top man" to these "top girls" as you think you are. You may be shooting above your grade, hence your inability to land a trophy girlfriend. That or the the word is out about you and your living arrangement and they are steering clear of you.

 

As long a you're hung up on looks and are living with women who don't "make the cut", then you're going to keep spinning your wheels.

 

First thing you need to do is to cut the chick you're living with loose. Someone needs to move out. Then you will not have the energy about you that women may be picking up on that you're already occupied with someone. They may not want to enter into anything with you as long as you've got her living with you--I know I wouldn't.

[loveweary11]

McDonald's types? Okay I'll say it. The problem is you're shallow.

 

Not sure how one goes about changing that. Maybe therapy?

 

Don't know as I don't date, get along with or care to associate with shallow people.

 

 

3rd time is a charm....

 

****My penis does not work unless a girl I'm with is really, really attractive.

 

People can call me shallow, but it's a physical problem. I'd prefer it worked with whoever my brain wants to be with, but it doesn't. I am attracted to like 5% of women. The other 95% i cannot have sex with because my junk will not do anything, nor do i have sexual type thoughts or urges with them.