Thinking Someone Else is Present

[treehugger101]

Have any of you ever dealt with your partner, talking to them on the phone or doing a video call and then they hear stuff in the background like the TV, music, or other family, neighbors or outside noises, and think that, that's someone else with you?

 

Like the guy I am seeing, a few times, he's heard noises like I mentioned and he thought I had another guy with me in my room or was talking to someone else.

 

When all I had was my TV on and windows open and PC on mute. And yet he thought another guy was there talking to me as I was talking to him.

 

So not sure what to do here, I did tell my guy no one else was there but yet he keeps thinking this again and again.

[todreaminblue]

my ex would often ask me who is there sometimes he still does if he hears someone normally a male even if that male is on tv ..because phone calls distort things and it can seem like a party when it is actually the movie titanic...........i think its a simple question to ask and i tell him.....i have nothing to hide.....it doesnt bother me to say yeah such and such is here or this person or that person or simply its a tv show you goof.....deb

[minime13]

Have any of you ever dealt with your partner, talking to them on the phone or doing a video call and then they hear stuff in the background like the TV, music, or other family, neighbors or outside noises, and think that, that's someone else with you?

 

Like the guy I am seeing, a few times, he's heard noises like I mentioned and he thought I had another guy with me in my room or was talking to someone else.

 

When all I had was my TV on and windows open and PC on mute. And yet he thought another guy was there talking to me as I was talking to him.

 

So not sure what to do here, I did tell my guy no one else was there but yet he keeps thinking this again and again.

 

If you've never given him a reason to believe that you are being dishonest, then it is he who has the problem. Ask him why he feels this way, but don't apologize for anything. See if you can talk it out. If he continues to distrust you for no reason, then that's a red flag and you should let him go.

[treehugger101]

If you've never given him a reason to believe that you are being dishonest, then it is he who has the problem. Ask him why he feels this way, but don't apologize for anything. See if you can talk it out. If he continues to distrust you for no reason, then that's a red flag and you should let him go.

 

He has insecurities, plus he got cheated on in his last relationship, so he's on edge finding someone new and being able to trust and know that they care etc. for him etc.

[La.Primavera]

If he mentions it while you are on the phone, take it right up to the tv so he can hear it, or if it's a Skype, direct the camera over to the noise source.

 

This is only to put his mind to rest initially. However, if it was to continue I would voice my concerns about his lack of trust and even end the relationship if it happened too frequently.

 

Sometimes situations with a paranoid partner can escalate to controlling, emotional blackmail and abuse.

[jen1447]

He has insecurities, plus he got cheated on in his last relationship, so he's on edge finding someone new and being able to trust and know that they care etc. for him etc.

 

That doesn't entitle him to treat you like a cheater. Trust issues, okay. Paranoia, not okay.

[d0nnivain]

If someone asked me about background noise, I'd answer them. If a partner repeatedly accused me of cheating, I'd break up with him.

[Redhead14]

Have any of you ever dealt with your partner, talking to them on the phone or doing a video call and then they hear stuff in the background like the TV, music, or other family, neighbors or outside noises, and think that, that's someone else with you?

 

Like the guy I am seeing, a few times, he's heard noises like I mentioned and he thought I had another guy with me in my room or was talking to someone else.

 

When all I had was my TV on and windows open and PC on mute. And yet he thought another guy was there talking to me as I was talking to him.

 

So not sure what to do here, I did tell my guy no one else was there but yet he keeps thinking this again and again.

 

You say something like "I am happy and content in our relationship and am not interested in anyone else and have given you no reason to distrust me. Once and for all, what you hear sometimes is background noise from the tv,computer, etc. I do not appreciate having my integrity and loyalty questioned." Don't make it an ultimatum. If he does it again, you end the relationship. He's been given a heads up. Either he respects and trusts you or he doesn't.

 

If when you say you do not appreciate having your integrity and loyalty questioned, he says something like "or else" or any kind of a challenge response, you end it there.

[almond]

There is absolutely no way I could deal with that.

 

The level of baseless suspicion and paranoia described in the OP is relatively extreme and unhealthy, and I could not be even close to happy with someone that unbalanced and on edge.

 

Guy has some pretty significant issues to sort out before he gets into a relationship by the sounds of things. And in case you're wondering...nothing you can do will fix him.

 

Run.

[leavesonautumn]

I actually think that in some way, you do need to make an ultimatum, it's either he's with you and trusts you or left alone with his paranoia. I think that you do need to let him know that it will sabatoge your relationship. Tell him you understand what has happened to him in the past but that you don't want to be taken for granted.

 

I have been on the other side and was insecure in the past. Once a guy told me that, I basically stopped right then and there because I realized I WAS taking him for granted and that the possibility of losing him was not because he'd meet someone else but because of how I made him feel - like he was always guilty for something he wasn't doing.

 

Is this the only situation in which he questions your loyalty?

[treehugger101]

I actually think that in some way, you do need to make an ultimatum, it's either he's with you and trusts you or left alone with his paranoia. I think that you do need to let him know that it will sabatoge your relationship. Tell him you understand what has happened to him in the past but that you don't want to be taken for granted.

 

I have been on the other side and was insecure in the past. Once a guy told me that, I basically stopped right then and there because I realized I WAS taking him for granted and that the possibility of losing him was not because he'd meet someone else but because of how I made him feel - like he was always guilty for something he wasn't doing.

 

Is this the only situation in which he questions your loyalty?

 

This has happened before a few times. He thinks I am talking to other guys and tonight it happened again.

[ExpatInItaly]

This has happened before a few times. He thinks I am talking to other guys and tonight it happened again.

 

Then you need to have an open, honest and non-confrontational talk with him. He's holding you hostage for his past, and that's not fair. You need to let him know that while you understand his struggles, you will not be made accountable for his ex's mistakes. If he can't relax, explain to him that his suspicious mind-set doesn't bode well for a future together and that you will not tolerate being the target for his insecurities.

[treehugger101]

Tonight's occurence didn't have to do with his ex. I had my TV on and him and I were talking, I did not have any other audio running. He must have heard the TV or even my folks and thought that was other people friends or guys talking and talking about him, saying how they didn't like him etc. When none of that was even happening.

[Gaeta]

You boyfriend needs help, he suffers from paranoia. At the moment he'd accuse me I would turn the conversation off and tell him we'll talk again when he gets back some common sense.

[candie13]

yeah, cut it short, be firm and tell him that is a dealbreaker. You are not there to feed his insecurities, but to have a normal relationship. And he should decide if he can get over them and continue to date you or indulge in his paranoia and stay single.

[treehugger101]

Well I wanted to discuss what happened last night a little more. We did have a long discussion and I am confused by it. This is what had happened -

 

At 9:06PM he called me until his phone disconnected. He called me around 10:26PM but I missed his call due to talking to my folks. At 10:29PM I called him back we talked for about 5 minutes before he hung up on me.

 

Why did he hang up on me? He had said this "I hear the guys you are talking too I am gone" then hung up. BUT I had my TV on and my folks were in the other room. So he was hearing stuff that wasn't there or he thought he heard.

 

Our conversation turned into this via text message

 

10:43PM Him: "Your friends don't like me I don't disrespect me why because I love you! No games."

 

10:47PM Him: "Why?"

 

10:51PM: Me: "What are you talking about?"

 

11:43PM Him: "Ask your buddies who were talking and the girls I don't care that they don't like me or that that's why you hung up I heard loud and clear whispers can be heard."

 

11:47PM Me: "Your crazy I was not talking to anyone I had the TV on and my parents were in the other room thats what was going on."

 

11:59PM Me: "I did not hang up on you at all tonight you hung up on me both times."

 

11:59PM Me: "First time call was dropped due to poor connection and the second time you did it because you said you heard guys talking when there was never any guys to begin with."

 

12:00AM Me: "I think you have a serious problem thay your hearing stuff that isn't there or something."

 

12:03AM Me: "And my friends never said they never liked you they won't come to your Birthday Party because I know them, if they won't hang with me they won't go to a party even if I asked them too."

 

12:03AM Me: "You need to stop accusing me of talking to other guys I can't take it anymore."

 

12:36AM Him: "I am not crazy! I never said you were talking to other guys I said I hear them talking and they were real I forget that your bedroom has odd acoustics. I wanted to talk about it so that I needed your comofrt, ressurance and really need your loving support and input."

 

12:43AM Me: "Wanted to talk to me about what? And I don't want to talk anymore I am done talking."

 

12:44AM Me: "I am tired of you accusing me of talking to other guys when I am not."

 

12:44 Me: "There was nothing going on in my room."

 

12:44AM Him: "Say no more".

 

12:46AM Me: "You want me to break up with you don't you?"

 

12:47AM Him: "No!"

 

12:47AM Him: "I would tell you."

 

12:49AM Him: "Is that what you want?"

 

12:49AM Me: "I don't know what I want anymore."

 

12:50AM Me: "Your the one that just told me "say no more" to me that means you want out."

 

12:55AM Him: "Oh I did not mean it in that sense. I was referring to being told I was crazy or self centered/ I hate my Birthday because I always get told I am selfish this month (June) etc."

 

12:59AM Me: "And where did I say you were self-centered or being selfish?"

 

1:08AM Him: "Not you, my family and my feeling like I am a fail to saving this guy from drowning some say it's the full moon lol."

 

1:24AM Me: "Why do you always do this to me? This has happened more than once, what did I do to deserve this? What is it you really want from me?"

 

1:33AM Him: "I'm afraid of loosing you."

 

1:33AM Me: "Well you keep doing this you are going too."

 

1:46AM Him: "I know would you wait for me if I go out of state for a while or to Europe? For a job/internship I will be back some internships lead straight into a career good one's too."

 

1:49AM Him: "Hypothetically".

 

 

Now I really do not know what to do.

[Gaeta]

 

Now I really do not know what to do.

 

Break up, he is sick. He has serious mental problems. He is paranoid, emotionally dependent, passive-aggressive and manipulative.

[MissBee]

Have any of you ever dealt with your partner, talking to them on the phone or doing a video call and then they hear stuff in the background like the TV, music, or other family, neighbors or outside noises, and think that, that's someone else with you?

 

Like the guy I am seeing, a few times, he's heard noises like I mentioned and he thought I had another guy with me in my room or was talking to someone else.

 

When all I had was my TV on and windows open and PC on mute. And yet he thought another guy was there talking to me as I was talking to him.

 

So not sure what to do here, I did tell my guy no one else was there but yet he keeps thinking this again and again.

 

This is called insecure and paranoid.

 

I mean...I will talk to guys on the phone and hear stuff in the background, I don't assume "Oh is another woman with you???" No...I'm sane, I assume it's the TV and from what it sounds like I can tell when he's not home or around a lot of people and my first assumptions are he's around a lot of people, it's his tv, his friend, something...I don't think he has another woman around. This kind of thing is annoying.

 

I had one guy ask me about that. He was very jealous in general. I was in college on the phone with him and it was about 2am and I had walked to my guy friend's room to pick up a book from him that I needed to borrow for class. I go to his room while on the phone with my bf at the time and then told him hold on when I got to the room and was grabbing the book. My friend of course spoke to me. It was no secret. I collected the book, we said a couple words and I got back on the phone and he was irate about me going to another man's room at 2am. I was like okay...maybe I should have mentioned it but really dude? I am ON THE PHONE WITH YOU. I'm going to be cheating while on the phone? Further, I'm in college, we live in dorms, we are often up at all kinds of odd hours. It's not like I drove or walked miles to some guy's house, I walked down the hall.... He was being ridiculous but he was very jealous and your guy sounds the same except even worse as in my case he really did hear a guy's voice because I really did go to my friend's room at 2 am to collect a book but in your case he hears random noises, tv and people and instantly assume it's a man.

 

Jealousy makes you irrational and you can either communicate that he works on it or you'll be in for more and more annoyance or worse escalated behaviors where he starts trying to control you because of his fears and paranoia.

Edited June 2, 2015 by MissBee

[Redhead14]

Well I wanted to discuss what happened last night a little more. We did have a long discussion and I am confused by it. This is what had happened -

 

At 9:06PM he called me until his phone disconnected. He called me around 10:26PM but I missed his call due to talking to my folks. At 10:29PM I called him back we talked for about 5 minutes before he hung up on me.

 

Why did he hang up on me? He had said this "I hear the guys you are talking too I am gone" then hung up. BUT I had my TV on and my folks were in the other room. So he was hearing stuff that wasn't there or he thought he heard.

 

Our conversation turned into this via text message

 

10:43PM Him: "Your friends don't like me I don't disrespect me why because I love you! No games."

 

10:47PM Him: "Why?"

 

10:51PM: Me: "What are you talking about?"

 

11:43PM Him: "Ask your buddies who were talking and the girls I don't care that they don't like me or that that's why you hung up I heard loud and clear whispers can be heard."

 

11:47PM Me: "Your crazy I was not talking to anyone I had the TV on and my parents were in the other room thats what was going on."

 

11:59PM Me: "I did not hang up on you at all tonight you hung up on me both times."

 

11:59PM Me: "First time call was dropped due to poor connection and the second time you did it because you said you heard guys talking when there was never any guys to begin with."

 

12:00AM Me: "I think you have a serious problem thay your hearing stuff that isn't there or something."

 

12:03AM Me: "And my friends never said they never liked you they won't come to your Birthday Party because I know them, if they won't hang with me they won't go to a party even if I asked them too."

 

12:03AM Me: "You need to stop accusing me of talking to other guys I can't take it anymore."

 

12:36AM Him: "I am not crazy! I never said you were talking to other guys I said I hear them talking and they were real I forget that your bedroom has odd acoustics. I wanted to talk about it so that I needed your comofrt, ressurance and really need your loving support and input."

 

12:43AM Me: "Wanted to talk to me about what? And I don't want to talk anymore I am done talking."

 

12:44AM Me: "I am tired of you accusing me of talking to other guys when I am not."

 

12:44 Me: "There was nothing going on in my room."

 

12:44AM Him: "Say no more".

 

12:46AM Me: "You want me to break up with you don't you?"

 

12:47AM Him: "No!"

 

12:47AM Him: "I would tell you."

 

12:49AM Him: "Is that what you want?"

 

12:49AM Me: "I don't know what I want anymore."

 

12:50AM Me: "Your the one that just told me "say no more" to me that means you want out."

 

12:55AM Him: "Oh I did not mean it in that sense. I was referring to being told I was crazy or self centered/ I hate my Birthday because I always get told I am selfish this month (June) etc."

 

12:59AM Me: "And where did I say you were self-centered or being selfish?"

 

1:08AM Him: "Not you, my family and my feeling like I am a fail to saving this guy from drowning some say it's the full moon lol."

 

1:24AM Me: "Why do you always do this to me? This has happened more than once, what did I do to deserve this? What is it you really want from me?"

 

1:33AM Him: "I'm afraid of loosing you."

 

1:33AM Me: "Well you keep doing this you are going too."

 

1:46AM Him: "I know would you wait for me if I go out of state for a while or to Europe? For a job/internship I will be back some internships lead straight into a career good one's too."

 

1:49AM Him: "Hypothetically".

 

 

Now I really do not know what to do.

 

"Oh I did not mean it in that sense. I was referring to being told I was crazy or self centered/ I hate my Birthday because I always get told I am selfish this month (June) etc."

"Not you, my family and my feeling like I am a fail

 

He's being told by others that something is not "right" with him.

 

"I said I hear them talking and they were real" -- This is almost an hallucination. Hard to tell, but if that's the case

 

I needed your comofrt, ressurance and really need your loving support and input."

 

Does he ever say things that indicate he thinks there are or anyone is "out to get him"? Is he quick to counter attack anybody who he thinks is being critical of him, and it's mostly a perception of criticism, not actual?

 

I know would you wait for me if I go out of state for a while or to Europe? For a job/internship I will be back some internships lead straight into a career good one's too." -- They always have a desire or need to become or show high degree of autonomy and self sufficiency.

 

He is demonstrating some of the hallmarks of persecutory paranoia and, if this is the case, the symptoms will escalate without treatment.

 

You should end this now. It will not get better. Don't be specific about why you're moving on. Simply tell him it's not working for you and wish him well.

[treehugger101]

"Oh I did not mean it in that sense. I was referring to being told I was crazy or self centered/ I hate my Birthday because I always get told I am selfish this month (June) etc."

"Not you, my family and my feeling like I am a fail

 

He's being told by others that something is not "right" with him.

 

"I said I hear them talking and they were real" -- This is almost an hallucination. Hard to tell, but if that's the case

 

I needed your comofrt, ressurance and really need your loving support and input."

 

Does he ever say things that indicate he thinks there are or anyone is "out to get him"? Is he quick to counter attack anybody who he thinks is being critical of him, and it's mostly a perception of criticism, not actual?

 

I know would you wait for me if I go out of state for a while or to Europe? For a job/internship I will be back some internships lead straight into a career good one's too." -- They always have a desire or need to become or show high degree of autonomy and self sufficiency.

 

He is demonstrating some of the hallmarks of persecutory paranoia and, if this is the case, the symptoms will escalate without treatment.

 

You should end this now. It will not get better. Don't be specific about why you're moving on. Simply tell him it's not working for you and wish him well.

 

I can't figure out what everyone else is telling him that isn't right about him.

 

No he has not told me "I think someone is out to get me" or anything similar.

 

I have not seen him do a counter attack due to criticism.

[Redhead14]

I can't figure out what everyone else is telling him that isn't right about him.

 

No he has not told me "I think someone is out to get me" or anything similar.

 

I have not seen him do a counter attack due to criticism.

 

Sometimes they will be passive-aggressive about it and not say anything, but store it away. At some point it will come out in anger.

 

I still say move on. He doesn't trust you and there's no basis for it. At best, it's delusional and unfounded insecurity. It's him, not you.

[GemmaUK]

I'd quit this RS asap.

 

That text convo was ridiculous.

I would not have enabled it to go that long.

He has lost the plot.

[rester]

He does sound insecure and paranoid and I wouldn't blame you for ending things with him, but why don't you turn your television off when you talk to him, since you know this is an ongoing issue? Or at least put it on mute?

 

I don't believe that will necessarily change much because I do think the issues are larger than the television situation, but talking on the phone when you can hear the tv in the background can be distracting and annoying. I always turn down background noises when I have to be on the phone.

[jen1447]

Seems like obvious major issues. It'll only get worse.

[treehugger101]

Seems like obvious major issues. It'll only get worse.

 

How is it going to get worse? What can happen thats worse than this?