Girlfriend on POF while thinking about future of relationship

[Dudeseriously]

Hi all, first time on the forum, hope that I can get some feedback.

 

Have been in an age-gap relationship for a few months, Im 43, she's 24. Its great when we are together. Great conversaton, connection, partnership, but when we are apart the "tigers come at night" to my GF, she questions what she is doing with someone so much older. Her family are vicious in the condemnation of me, which is a big part of it. Yet she's been hanging on, because Im the best thing, emotionally and physically, thats ever happened to her. She's a sweet girl, always very "accomodating" and quiet, dumbs herself down for the boyfriends. As a result, has been seriously messed about previously. Has a child from a boyfriend who ran out on her the moment he found out she couldnt go through with the termination.

 

Anyway, we got to a crisis point, she didnt want to stop seeing me but also said she couldnt imagine marrying me because of the age difference and the "social condemnation" involved. I broke up with her on this basis but she asked for time to think about things. She said she loves me, adores me, relies on me, but still cant see a future so she wanted some time to think on it. She invited me in to stay the night but I declined, because when we sleep together all her cares and doubts go away...until I leave the next day anyway. I said I knew it would confuse her. She said that sometimes I know her better than she knows herself, we parted for a while on very happy terms.

 

So, a few days into this time I gave her on her own we talked for a couple of hours about a crisis that happened in her life, and us. She said she was missing me terribly, and realised now how much she had come to rely on me in her life. I said i needed to know one way or another within a couple of weeks, because i did not want this worry hanging over my head during the week that i am spending with my young daughter, and otherwise i'd die of stress waiting. She agreed.

 

A few more days later, I find that her old POF dating profile is once again active, and she has been on it for a number of hours each day. Dating other people in the time I gave her was not discussed, even in passing. Im certainly not dating or pursuing any other alternatives. I feel betrayed, hurt and fearful.

 

Id love some feedback from others about whats going on from the female perspective especially, whether I should stay the course and talk to her when I talk to her, or raise this as an issue with her now. Is this a relationship extinction-level issue? Please help.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're her sugar-daddy.

You provide her with everything she needs and will continue to do so until a guy more her age and mentality comes along.

 

You're not a partner, you're her crutch. An option.

Someone to cling to until the shore heaves into sight.

Then she will gladly abandon the relative security you have given her hitherto, and swim for that shore and never look back.

 

You nee to cut your losses, and let her sink or swim for herself.

 

She's using you.

[LoveMachine67]

You're her sugar-daddy.

You provide her with everything she needs and will continue to do so until a guy more her age and mentality comes along.

 

You're not a partner, you're her crutch. An option.

Someone to cling to until the shore heaves into sight.

Then she will gladly abandon the relative security you have given her hitherto, and swim for that shore and never look back.

 

You nee to cut your losses, and let her sink or swim for herself.

 

She's using you.

 

I completely agree with the above take!

 

My advice to you is to enjoy this relationship while it lasts. She is looking for a way out right now, and the minute she find it, she's gone.

[Lois_Griffin]

You're like the daddy she never had (or is estranged from). She clearly has daddy issues - golly, what a surprise.

[ascendotum]

You're her sugar-daddy.

You provide her with everything she needs and will continue to do so until a guy more her age and mentality comes along.

 

You're not a partner, you're her crutch. An option.

Someone to cling to until the shore heaves into sight.

Then she will gladly abandon the relative security you have given her hitherto, and swim for that shore and never look back.

 

You nee to cut your losses, and let her sink or swim for herself.

 

She's using you.

 

Not her sugar daddy, I'd say more her emotional crutch. I'd say its over now that she is spending hours on POF. It wont take her long to choose someone that takes her fancy from the dozens of msgs she will get each week. Being on POF she is doing a lot more then just thinking about the future of the relationship. She is being proactive in finding his replacement. Big age gap relationship can be put under a lot of extra stress if there is a lot of continual negative sentiment from either partners friends & family.

[Satu]

The age gap is just too big.

 

She's feeling the need for someone nearer to her own age.

 

Preserve your dignity by letting her go.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's already over.

 

End it with her. She's already starting to move on, you should do the same. In this case, the age difference was just too big.

[aloneinaz]

When I first divorced, I was in my early 40's. I had a 22 YO waitress/college girl always flirting/hitting on me as I ate at the the same restaurant each day for lunch.

 

 

I finally asked for her number and she quickly gave it to me. We went out I think twice and I felt "dirty" w/such a big age gap. I couldn't get around it. It was good for my ego but bad for nerves. She was fun, cool, and more mature than other girls her age but it was more than I'd want to deal with for any time period.

 

 

In your case, you have to know that she's way too young for any kind of serious relationship. She needs to sow her oats and enjoy her youth while she's still young. Going out with someone this much younger can be fun but I don't think anyone should EVER consider any long term potential w/a gap this big.

 

 

You need to cut bait w/her or do what she's doing. Change your mind set to use her like she's using you until you find someone closer to your age that's in the same place in life. As Tara said, w/her OLD right now, she's going to be gone as soon as she finds someone closer to her age.

Edited June 14, 2015 by aloneinaz

[joseb]

I agree it's probably over.

 

Just curious, how do you know she is on POF ?

[TandyLynn9]

OP when I first started reading your post I almost thought you were my ex....but some of the details were just a little off. He was 40 I was 22 and it actually started over 10 years ago.

 

*Sorry so long, I started thinking and typing and well it just happened. But thought I'd share my experience *

 

Just speaking from my experience alone, I would say for you to walk away. She will probably never get comfortable with how society views you 2 together. You will probably grow to be too jealous of her as time goes by. Think back to your 20's. Now think back to your 30's. I'm guessing your views on many things in life changed between those decades. Hers will too.

 

My ex and I got together, never actually married, but lived together for a little over 10 years and he helped raise my son. After about 6 years I was bored. He had already seen and done things that I had not and he had no real interest in doing anything again. I started to get involved in my sons activities, volunteering. Something to keep me busy after work. He just wanted to stay home. At around the 8 year mark I started to get annoyed with him and started to pull away. I never cheated or even looked around. But I also never had the energy or want to to end things. I was just present with him. Life just kept going and quickly as I stayed as busy as possible to not be around him at home. We had many not so good days but there were still good days.

 

Finally just after 10 years we had our 2nd fight in 10 years. I had been on a trip with my mom, sister and a gf for 5 days. Upon arriving back he lost it! He accused me of cheating, of hiding alcohol like I was a drunk, sneaking pot from his stash, lying about where I was when I was telling him I was doing volunteer work. It was CRAZY! I was not doing ANY of these things! He was very mean in his accusations. Telling me the made up scenarios he had come up with. NO CLUE where all this came from. Bottom line, he had grown extremely jealous, self conscious and worst of all no longer trusted me. That was big for me. While I might have been having my doubts the last few years I never stopped trusting him and never gave him a reason to stop trusting me.

 

It was during this fight that I suggested it was time for us to end things and for him to move out of my house. I left and took my son to my moms for the night and the next day he was gone.

 

I, to this day, am still not sad about ending it. He on the other hand hates me. Is still angry with me and tries to do what he can to get to me. It's sad really. I know all of this because he and my son still spend an occasional weekend together with my permission. I don't ask my son anything about him, he tells me. Which makes me believe my ex vents alot to him.

 

I don't know if it is so much the age gap, but we never had a ton of common interests. We were just clicked in other ways. Over time I think those things were just not enough to keep me with him.

 

Also, I don't so much agree with the daddy issues part. I have a great father. My parents have been together since they were 12 & 15. Have a good stable marriage, never fighting in front of us growing up. He was very involved in our lives and activities growing up and still will drop everything if I call him for help with something.

 

Sometimes you just find yourself with someone who while they may not be the ideal person for you in other peoples eyes, they are right for you. I don't regret the last 10 years. I do wish I had made the decision to end things a few years sooner though instead of just tolerating things.

 

Lastly, I have a very good friend in a marriage of over 13 years. She's early 30's he's pushing 50. Last week she was telling me of some recent behavior by him and it sounds like he may be going through the same trust issues as my ex.

 

It's got to be very hard as a much older man to see your much younger lady living her life the way she should be. Experiencing things (not cheating or anything bad) the same way you did. But because the man is now ready to start slowing down she does these things without him.

[Fleur de cactus]

The relationship is over. When a person tell you that no future together you have to beleive and stop insisting.

[LostOnes05]

Cut her loose. She is definitely out the door already and just too comfortable running back to you when things don't go her way. I wonder if her family was so vocal when the other guy got her pregnant and bounced like a bad check?

[Dudeseriously]

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I spoke to her tonight about the POF activity and after initially being offended, she understood how it looked bad. turns out she is talking to a cross-dresser who wants fashion tips from her! Strange but true, she showed me the message logs freely and immediately. I approached the converstaion non-confrontationally, so it didnt cause a fight and in fact brought us closer together...Anyway, we've been very open about the age difference issues, and she is pushing back more and more against her unsupportive family. For the cynics out there, I know a few highly successful marriages with a similar age gap, one has lasted 40 years, another 20, another 15 and three kids....all is not lost as long as we remain totally open and honest with each other as we have been so far...and invite a few third parties into the bedroom;)

[TaraMaiden2]

Yeah, right... Threesomes are a guarantee to keep a relationship rock-solid.

 

Ok, my first comment still stands.

if it doesn't end now, because of the age-gap - it will.

 

Bear in mind that when you are in your 70's, she will be in her 50's.

Still young enough to go get some, enjoy a full life and sow a few oats.

Something you will be shelving and forgetting about while enjoying your retirement.

 

It won't work in the long-run.

And my mum and dad had 11 years between them. I think that's great, but about the limit, myself.....

[ExpatInItaly]

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I spoke to her tonight about the POF activity and after initially being offended, she understood how it looked bad. turns out she is talking to a cross-dresser who wants fashion tips from her! Strange but true, she showed me the message logs freely and immediately. I approached the converstaion non-confrontationally, so it didnt cause a fight and in fact brought us closer together...Anyway, we've been very open about the age difference issues, and she is pushing back more and more against her unsupportive family. For the cynics out there, I know a few highly successful marriages with a similar age gap, one has lasted 40 years, another 20, another 15 and three kids....all is not lost as long as we remain totally open and honest with each other as we have been so far...and invite a few third parties into the bedroom;)

 

You don't seem to be getting the bigger point. She still asked you for a break to think about things. She still apparently isn't comfortable with the age gap. She told you she can't really see a future with you. What are you not understanding about this?

 

Also, threesomes are irrelevant here. Not sure why you brought that up.

[LoveMachine67]

OP, enjoy her while it lasts!

[Dudeseriously]

You don't seem to be getting the bigger point. She still asked you for a break to think about things. She still apparently isn't comfortable with the age gap. She told you she can't really see a future with you. What are you not understanding about this?

 

Also, threesomes are irrelevant here. Not sure why you brought that up.

No, i broke it off and she said no, give me some time to think and get my s*** together

[TaraMaiden2]

You're insistent that this will work.

You're probably right. This will work.

For now.

So just keep insisting - for now - that we're all wrong.

 

I hope, in the long-run, we are.

 

But in the long-run, I suspect we won't be.

 

And for goodness' sake, never, ever think of bringing in a 3rd party to improve things.

That way lies certain failure.

 

Honestly.

The reality is never, but never as good as the fantasy.

Nowhere near.

Not even.

[Gary S]

She's just keeping you at arm's length so she can ween herself off you and drop you at her convenience. He who drops first gets to exercise their own free will and feels better about the whole deal. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

[SmartDude]

If I am in a relationship with a woman 20 years younger, I am going to count my blessings daily. But on the other hand, I know she IS going to leave me at some point.

 

This is a different kind of relationship in my perspective. I love getting with the 20 somethings myself. But I ussualy fill the role of someone to come to when things are not working out in their normal dating life. Not as a primary partner! We have sex, we have good times but I also talk to them about their love life, with guys their own age.

 

If I was in an LTR with a much younger women for a long time I would start to get nervous too!

[empresario]

I know it's not the same thing...but I'm about to be 29, and the last two girls I dated were 19 and 20.

 

 

They were mature girls...but very raw. There is truth to wisdom coming with age. As others have said, young women are a great ego boost but not worth it long term. I had to learn that the hard way.

 

 

You always have to sit there and think "why does a 21 year old want to be with someone established". It 99% of the time comes back to daddy issues. People that are messed up emotionally have to pick people that they (unconsciously) can fix. They need a father figure.

 

 

Unbeknownst to me when I started dating them...the 19 year old found out her father was cheating on her mom at 13 and broke up their marriage. The 20 year old had a father that abandoned her at 3 and her first memory is her mom catching him cheating.

 

 

And recently, I had another 20 year old come after me. So I straight up asked why she would want to date an older man. She didn't give me this as a reason, but the conversation led to how she moved far away from home because her dad was an abusive prick. I politely refused to date her in exchange for someone my own age.

 

 

The bad-father syndrome of our culture affects both the men and women that are products of it. And it's getting worse every generation. Men are no longer learning how to be men, and women are learning all the wrong things about male figures in their lives. They can figure all of this out with wisdom...but wisdom takes time.

 

 

The (age/2 + 7) rule is actually surprisingly useful. Try it.

 

 

tl;dr: I would agree with the guy that predicted daddy issues.

Edited June 15, 2015 by empresario

[ExpatInItaly]

No, i broke it off and she said no, give me some time to think and get my s*** together

 

Now I'm confused. You said in your first post that she told you she doesn't really see a future with you, can't see marrying you, and so on. Did she not?

 

That tells me she's not invested the way you are and she's already removing you from her list of potential mates.

[Dudeseriously]

You're insistent that this will work.

You're probably right. This will work.

For now.

So just keep insisting - for now - that we're all wrong.

 

I hope, in the long-run, we are.

 

But in the long-run, I suspect we won't be.

 

You can never know. All things end in their own time, sometimes death gets in the way beforehand, creating what society deems a "successful partnership" because two people didnt get sick of each other in their lifetimes. However Im prepared to see this one through as far as it goes, a month or a decade, will still have been worth it.

[Dudeseriously]

Now I'm confused. You said in your first post that she told you she doesn't really see a future with you, can't see marrying you, and so on. Did she not?

 

That tells me she's not invested the way you are and she's already removing you from her list of potential mates.

 

Well, she said she was "concerned", that she was wanting to flesh out and examine these things, and the future was clouded by them. Other issues that fed in, were my lack of religiosity, which she has since come to terms with since i respect her religious views far more than she expected me to, and my infertility, which we have come to terms about by looking at artificial options if we ever decided to have kids. Both were religious reasons not to marry, but shes mostly over that religious stuff now....All that is left is the age thing....and she is fighting much harder against the societal and family ear-bashing she is receiving. A bit of time apart will either reinforce these gains, or not, chips fall where they may.

[Sameold]

This is going nowhere, its a bit of fun but that will be all.

 

If you want fun and drama keep chatting. If you want a genuine relationship stop now.