stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My boyfriend has a hard time containing his anger. He doesn't lash out in dangerous ways. I don't think he'd ever hurt me and he has never threatened it. It's just when I make any kind of small mistake, he always responds by calling me a stupid bitch. For example, if I dropped something he would probably raise his voice momentarily and say something like "jesus ****ing christ can you not do anything right stupid" or anytime something comes up and I try to have a conversation about something serious that's wrong in the relationship. I know this isn't something that's just directed towards me because I see him have problems interacting with his family at times. He gets hostile too quickly. It never lasts for more than a minute. It's just an outburst of annoyance and insults for a few seconds and then he calms down but it's definitely not normal. After talking to him about it, he has come to terms with the fact he has anger problems and has had them for a long time but he doesn't know how to go about solving it but wants to change. It's not a deal breaker yet as long as he is willing to work on it and he is. My question is has anyone overcome this? How? What can I do to help him through this? I was thinking maybe suggesting therapy but I don't know how well it would work. I'm sure he'd be open to it. Anyone have any communication tips? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Call him out on it, every time. Don't sit there placidly taking it. His anger issue and lack of self control is only excusable while you put up with it. But you shouldn't. The more you tolerate, the more you make allowances, the more you play the passive role, the more it encourages and enables his jerk-ness. Tell him that every time he calls you names or makes inappropriate insulting, belittling remarks, you will leave the room and refuse to engage with him at all. You have absolutely no obligation to put up with one single nano-second of abuse, from him, or anyone else. And even though there is no physical aspect, it IS abuse. Don't put up with it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Call him out on it, every time. Don't sit there placidly taking it. His anger issue and lack of self control is only excusable while you put up with it. But you shouldn't. The more you tolerate, the more you make allowances, the more you play the passive role, the more it encourages and enables his jerk-ness. Tell him that every time he calls you names or makes inappropriate insulting, belittling remarks, you will leave the room and refuse to engage with him at all. You have absolutely no obligation to put up with one single nano-second of abuse, from him, or anyone else. And even though there is no physical aspect, it IS abuse. Don't put up with it. Oh, I don't. Everytime he does it, I say something. Usually along the lines of "if you can't learn to speak like an adult then don't speak to me" and he'll get mad for a moment and then apologize. I've also drawn the line that if he doesn't make improvements soon, I'll leave. I just want to make sure I try to be understanding because I have terrible anxiety and understand that his anger can be as hard to control as my anxiety but I know that if he learns how to, he can. It took me awhile but I learned how to, so I'm hoping to help him find someway to help himself. Pretty much, I want to do everything what I can before I call it quits because he does seem like he wants to change and he is acknowledging that he has an anger problem. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 you think talks this way to a bigger-built guy than him? nobody would cuz they migjht see a fist... he already can stop 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 you think talks this way to a bigger-built guy than him? he already can stop I'm not sure if he would if he was around a guy long enough. I know he blew up on his manager at work for rushing him so he probably would. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I'm not sure if he would if he was around a guy long enough. I know he blew up on his manager at work for rushing him so he probably would. but i am not talking about his manager...i am talking about a bigger-built guy, a real mean guy Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Oh, I don't. Everytime he does it, I say something. Usually along the lines of "if you can't learn to speak like an adult then don't speak to me" and he'll get mad for a moment and then apologize. I've also drawn the line that if he doesn't make improvements soon, I'll leave. Sorry, this is just tolerating and enabling. Because much as he apologises, he still repeats the behaviour. You keep drawing a line in the sand ("if he doesn't make improvements soon, I'll leave.") and he keeps overstepping it. It's not changing his behaviour because you're not changing yours. I just want to make sure I try to be understanding because I have terrible anxiety and understand that his anger can be as hard to control as my anxiety The difference is that your anxiety isn't belittling, insulting, hurting or abusing the one person you're supposed to love and put first, is it...? They're conditions, but they need completely different approaches... but I know that if he learns how to, he can. Learning, is one thing. Implementing the lesson is quite another.... It took me awhile but I learned how to, so I'm hoping to help him find someway to help himself. Pretty much, I want to do everything what I can before I call it quits because he does seem like he wants to change and he is acknowledging that he has an anger problem. Stop. STOP, STOP, STOP. Quit 'helping him find', or 'doing everything you can'... You can't fix him, do it for him or help him. He has to do this himself, for himself, by himself. All you're doing is propping him up and making excuses for him. It's time to bite the bullet, and read the riot act. The instant he begins to abuse you next time, tell him to leave, because it's over, and you refuse to take him back unless and until he completely works on taming his demons. It will take courage and nerve to do this, and more importantly STICK TO IT. Because what you have done so far hasn't worked. You have to do this, for his sake AND yours - because while you have him to focus on, your insecurities about yourself remain at a determined level. Gain some independence. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone, by pushing him out of his. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Oh, I don't. Every time he does it, I say something. Usually along the lines of "if you can't learn to speak like an adult then don't speak to me" and he'll get mad for a moment and then apologize. I've also drawn the line that if he doesn't make improvements soon, I'll leave. I just want to make sure I try to be understanding because I have terrible anxiety and understand that his anger can be as hard to control as my anxiety but I know that if he learns how to, he can. It took me awhile but I learned how to, so I'm hoping to help him find someway to help himself. Pretty much, I want to do everything what I can before I call it quits because he does seem like he wants to change and he is acknowledging that he has an anger problem. There is no reason for him to stop, as you are enabling him. OK you say you'll leave but he knows you do not mean that. YOU want to fix him, not leave and he knows that too. By getting angry he will know that unbalances you and makes you anxious, so although he acknowledges his problem every time, he also knows each time it chips away at you and your self esteem. He is abusing you to make himself feel better. As darkmoon said he would learn to control his anger in a millisecond if faced with some big muscly bloke with a short fuse, so he is doing this to YOU, as he knows he gets away with it. Why have you called yourself stupidkittten? YOUR self esteem I guess is already in your boots, you need to sort that out and develop some firm boundaries. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 There is no reason for him to stop, as you are enabling him. OK you say you'll leave but he knows you do not mean that. YOU want to fix him, not leave and he knows that too. By getting angry he will know that unbalances you and makes you anxious, so although he acknowledges his problem every time, he also knows each time it chips away at you and your self esteem. He is abusing you to make himself feel better. As darkmoon said he would learn to control his anger in a millisecond if faced with some big muscly bloke with a short fuse, so he is doing this to YOU, as he knows he gets away with it. Why have you called yourself stupidkittten? YOUR self esteem I guess is already in your boots, you need to sort that out and develop some firm boundaries. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shrink/201210/are-you-people-pleaser I know how it seems but I'm really not enabling him. At this point when he messes up, he usually immediately apologizes like within a few seconds. He got better for a long time but recent events have caused him to relapse. He does respond to talking it out, it just takes him sometime to really open up about what's bothering him but once it does, he chills out for a long time. I think it's been a year since he was like this. My username is that because I was getting frustrated because I couldn't think of username and then my kitten did something stupid lol. Not because I think I'm stupid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I know how it seems but I'm really not enabling him. At this point when he messes up, he usually immediately apologizes like within a few seconds. ...... Darling, you're not getting it. You ARE enabling him. You say that the instant he does it he apologises. What you don't get, is that he should be working on not doing it at all. He should implement the brakes BEFORE he rolls downhill, not when he's already rolling.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He's verbally abusive and there's no excuse for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 If it hasn't happened for a long time, how come you are posting about it? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 I know how it seems but I'm really not enabling him. At this point when he messes up, he usually immediately apologizes like within a few seconds. He got better for a long time but recent events have caused him to relapse. He does respond to talking it out, it just takes him sometime to really open up about what's bothering him but once it does, he chills out for a long time. I think it's been a year since he was like this. My username is that because I was getting frustrated because I couldn't think of username and then my kitten did something stupid lol. Not because I think I'm stupid. Do you mean he hasn't verbally abused you for a year? Or that he's been doing it for a year now? I have an ex-boyfriend like him. It never got better because he wasn't willing to take the necessary steps to get it under control. Much like your boyfriend, he'd rage, then apologize and swear to never do it again. But of . course, he did. I believe he would've benefited from therapy tremendously, but he refused to go. So I refused to stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He calls you a stupid bitch? Which part do you find offensive the stupid or the bitch ?? Anyone who claims to care for you and calls you a stupid bitch does not care for not respect you! Why not show him just how smart you are, and walk away! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The only thing you can do is show him actions have consequences by breaking up with him for being verbally abusive. He will not change until he wants to change. Anger management requires professional intervention. If he is not willing to get that kind of professional help, there is nothing you can do to help him. All you are doing is continue to expose yourself to his acerbic nature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The problem is his mindset, that he finds it acceptable in the moment to talk to you this way. That is the mindset of an abuser, emotional or psychological or physical--does not matter. This mindset should terrify you because it is already in him. It is very difficult to change. Just do a search on verbal abuse and you will see. Be clear. He talks to you like that once more, you leave him. He will, of course, talk to you like that again. Then leave. IF he loves you more than he loves his comfort and ease of life, he will get a qualified therapist, read books by Lundy Bancroft, and practice everything he learns and reads. If you do not draw a hard line on this, you will regret it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaCat Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 By staying with him, you are telling him that it's okay for him to verbally abuse you, because yes he IS verbally abusing you. It is not on you to fix him. He has to genuinely WANT to fix this and stop being angry and he hasn't shown that he wants to do that. Respect yourself by realizing that a man who truly loves you would never EVER call you a "stupid bitch" and walk away from him & the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 SK, It's just when I make any kind of small mistake, he always responds by calling me a stupid bitch. That's abuse. You need to put a stop to this now. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 You have no control over him. You only have control over yourself. If someone was belittling me and calling me stupid, it would only take one "stupid b*tch" and I'd be out the door. Anger like that comes from his childhood, not anything you have done or his dynamic with you. He has uncontrolled rage and it's all about him. The only good news here is he acknowledged he knows he has a problem. As I said, I'd already be out the door, but if you want to give him one chance to fix it, tell him he must take an anger management class and it must stick or you're outta there. Don't stay with someone who has to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 If it hasn't happened for a long time, how come you are posting about it? because we've been together for a long time. he had a short period of time where he did it and then recently some really big stressors came up and for the past couple of weeks he hasn't had a grip on his anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 By staying with him, you are telling him that it's okay for him to verbally abuse you, because yes he IS verbally abusing you. It is not on you to fix him. He has to genuinely WANT to fix this and stop being angry and he hasn't shown that he wants to do that. Respect yourself by realizing that a man who truly loves you would never EVER call you a "stupid bitch" and walk away from him & the relationship. He has shown that he wants to do it. We've been together almost two years. He had a short period of time near the end of 2013 where we got like this, he then confessed he had anger problems and didn't know what to do. We talked about it and worked through it for a little bit and then he got a grip until the past 2-3 weeks. Only after some stuff came up. I don't think he wants to be this way, I think this is how he copes but he has shown he is capable of change. If this became a lingering problem, (over a month) I'd leave but right now it hasn't been very long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Do you mean he hasn't verbally abused you for a year? Or that he's been doing it for a year now? I have an ex-boyfriend like him. It never got better because he wasn't willing to take the necessary steps to get it under control. Much like your boyfriend, he'd rage, then apologize and swear to never do it again. But of . course, he did. I believe he would've benefited from therapy tremendously, but he refused to go. So I refused to stay with him. He hasn't been doing it for a little over a year. He had a short time where he did it but then we worked together for a little bit and he got a grip on it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Angry people only get worse as they get older. They do NOT mellow out with age. So just know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stupidkittten Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 The difference is that your anxiety isn't belittling, insulting, hurting or abusing the one person you're supposed to love and put first, is it...? They're conditions, but they need completely different approaches... If I'm honest, yes. My anxiety was. I would try to control him, I would insult him, I would become irritable from it and lash out on him. My anxiety in relationships came from being cheated on in the past, so he worked with me and helped me gain my trust in him although it wasn't his fault I was mistrusting and he did all that in the very beginning. He had also always been open with his anger problems. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 He hasn't been doing it for a little over a year. He had a short time where he did it but then we worked together for a little bit and he got a grip on it. Until the next time. And then the time after that. And who knows, by that time you might be married and have kids, so they'll have a dad who will be subject to a whole raft of whole new stressors, so his anger incidents will increase, and.... I'm sorry. You really need to look to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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