Is it over?

[Confused602]

Hi all, new here and seeking some insight.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and four months and it has been a wonderful relationship full of laughter and happiness. A little bit about is...I am 22 and he is 26, both in college. We have both met each other's families, have traveled abroad together, etc. No matter how busy we get between our responsibilities with school and work, we always made time to either reach out and make small talk and schedule time to hang out together once we were both done with responsibilities for the day. I was always included in anything he planned and same with him to me. He has been there for me through rough times and would always go the extra mile to be there for me through tough times.

 

 

We happened so naturally, which is what was so amazing to me. We went on our first date and just kept seeing each other after, then progressed very naturally to making it exclusive. This is the first time I felt that I didn't have to force something to happen and that the guy genuinely pursued me. Which leads me to what has been bubbling up inside me for the last few weeks.

 

 

We worked so well because of how natural things were and how genuinely happy we were. But as of late, I have noticed many girls on my social media either moving in with their bf or getting engaged. Seeing that began to get to me a little and make me feel like we aren't moving at a good pace anymore. I made the decision to start apartment hunting and move out of my parents house for the next fall semester. I worked up the courage to ask him to move in with me and he said "I think it's best you do it on your own first because you have never loved outside of your parents house." When he told me that, I was hurt, but trying to avoid conflict I agreed and left it at that. He moved back to his parents because he started school up again last fall and wanted to focus on that.

 

 

We continued on how we were, happy and such, but everytime I would see another girl move forward, it would bring me down, but I continued trying to push it aside, saying it was fine.

 

 

Well fast forward to two days ago, we went to dinner and as usual, he was super happy to see me and we were happy. Then we started talking about traveling and he asked how apartment hunting was going. After dinner, my negative thoughts overcame me and I just grew quiet. He tried to make conversation, saying he wanted to take me to a bakery he heard was good, but I just ignored him. So we drove back to his house and he tried to make small talk again, but I was silent still. He finally asked what's wrong, and I just said I was tired. He crawled into bed next to me and we just laid there, till I finally burst and said it hurt me how he said I should live on my own. I started crying and he held me and said that he had moved in with a girl too soon and had it end ugly and that that stuff is harder than it seems and takes time. I just snapped back saying everyone else seems to be doing it just fine and that it couldn't be that hard. I also told him I don't want is to take each other for granted. He asked me why I held in how I felt for so long and I said I didn't know. We ended up falling asleep because it was so late, me in his arms and him trying to wipe my tears.

 

 

Yesterday, after all that mess, I hadn't heard from him throughout the day, so I texted him asking if he was still mad. He said "I am not mad but am thinking about things." I just told him I was sorry again for what happened, he said it was alright. Then I just left him a message saying that no matter what he is thinking, I just want him to know that I love our relationship and i in no way meant to come off as pressuring him to move in with me and that with a clear mind, I understand those things really do take time and that's okay. I told him that I have a hard time expressing myself due to being hurt in the last but that I really want to overcome that, and that I am sorry again and I don't want to loose him.

 

 

So that was last night, and I haven't heard from him. What do you guys think? Any advice and thought thoughts are appreciated...

[toscaroscura]

You are very young yet, and I have to say I agree with him. It has only been 4 months. You should each live in your own places and continue to date each other. It will be good for you most of all, and if your relationship has a good foundation this will only make you stronger.

 

Right now, give him some space. Good luck.

[TaraMaiden2]

If you want an honest opinion, here it is:

 

He is absolutely 100% right.

 

You are way too young to be talking long-term relationship, marriage, living together, whatever.

 

To begin with, you suffer knee-jerk reactions, and that's fine; it's to be expected at your age, and I'm not being patronising, it's fact.

 

You're not "fully cooked" yet.

Biologically-speaking, your brain isn't mature enough yet to be making logical, hard-and-fast decisions.

 

Listen to him.

It's obvious he loves you, but your behaviour and attitude smack of childishness.

 

He's right.

Learn what it's like to live alone, first. To have to manage your own bills, and function in an environment where you re totally responsible for everything.

 

Shelve, file away, put in a box any ideas of engagement, marriage and long-term commitment.

Between now and your 25th, your entire whole persona will undergo a transformation.

 

And you should be ready for that; be open, receptive and accepting.

 

And for goodness' sake; don't compare your life to that of 'other girls' and what they're doing. Just because they're doing it, carries no guarantees they're being wise, sensible or set for the long-term.

Be 'You'.

 

And just take things easy, slow and learn as you go.

[umirano]

You told him you love the relationship. It's probably closer to the truth than you imagine.

 

You focus on symbolic aspects of the RS (living together) and not on inner strength and quality of the relationship. Don't have other's actions dictate your relationship pace. You live your own life and not that of your SM friends.

[Redhead14]

Hi all, new here and seeking some insight.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and four months and it has been a wonderful relationship full of laughter and happiness. A little bit about is...I am 22 and he is 26, both in college. We have both met each other's families, have traveled abroad together, etc. No matter how busy we get between our responsibilities with school and work, we always made time to either reach out and make small talk and schedule time to hang out together once we were both done with responsibilities for the day. I was always included in anything he planned and same with him to me. He has been there for me through rough times and would always go the extra mile to be there for me through tough times.

 

 

We happened so naturally, which is what was so amazing to me. We went on our first date and just kept seeing each other after, then progressed very naturally to making it exclusive. This is the first time I felt that I didn't have to force something to happen and that the guy genuinely pursued me. Which leads me to what has been bubbling up inside me for the last few weeks.

 

 

We worked so well because of how natural things were and how genuinely happy we were. But as of late, I have noticed many girls on my social media either moving in with their bf or getting engaged. Seeing that began to get to me a little and make me feel like we aren't moving at a good pace anymore. I made the decision to start apartment hunting and move out of my parents house for the next fall semester. I worked up the courage to ask him to move in with me and he said "I think it's best you do it on your own first because you have never loved outside of your parents house." When he told me that, I was hurt, but trying to avoid conflict I agreed and left it at that. He moved back to his parents because he started school up again last fall and wanted to focus on that.

 

 

We continued on how we were, happy and such, but everytime I would see another girl move forward, it would bring me down, but I continued trying to push it aside, saying it was fine.

 

 

Well fast forward to two days ago, we went to dinner and as usual, he was super happy to see me and we were happy. Then we started talking about traveling and he asked how apartment hunting was going. After dinner, my negative thoughts overcame me and I just grew quiet. He tried to make conversation, saying he wanted to take me to a bakery he heard was good, but I just ignored him. So we drove back to his house and he tried to make small talk again, but I was silent still. He finally asked what's wrong, and I just said I was tired. He crawled into bed next to me and we just laid there, till I finally burst and said it hurt me how he said I should live on my own. I started crying and he held me and said that he had moved in with a girl too soon and had it end ugly and that that stuff is harder than it seems and takes time. I just snapped back saying everyone else seems to be doing it just fine and that it couldn't be that hard. I also told him I don't want is to take each other for granted. He asked me why I held in how I felt for so long and I said I didn't know. We ended up falling asleep because it was so late, me in his arms and him trying to wipe my tears.

 

 

Yesterday, after all that mess, I hadn't heard from him throughout the day, so I texted him asking if he was still mad. He said "I am not mad but am thinking about things." I just told him I was sorry again for what happened, he said it was alright. Then I just left him a message saying that no matter what he is thinking, I just want him to know that I love our relationship and i in no way meant to come off as pressuring him to move in with me and that with a clear mind, I understand those things really do take time and that's okay. I told him that I have a hard time expressing myself due to being hurt in the last but that I really want to overcome that, and that I am sorry again and I don't want to loose him.

 

 

So that was last night, and I haven't heard from him. What do you guys think? Any advice and thought thoughts are appreciated...

 

I am 22 -- "I think it's best you do it on your own first: You are young and have never had the taste of or experienced autonomy and independence. He is wise.

 

I just want him to know that I love our relationship and i in no way meant to come off as pressuring him to move in with me and that with a clear mind --Whether you intended to pressure him or not, you did in fact, put pressure on it. You can't uncross that bridge.

 

He has told you he is thinking about things now and you should let him have the space to really focus on it. If you continue reaching out and trying to talk about it right now, it's going to be even more pressure. Men/people respond to pressure negatively and will "default" to what's comfortable, which in this case, to him would be not living together.

 

If a little time goes by and you don't hear from him, you can reach out, but in a light conversation. Don't mention the relationship right now. Let him address it when he is ready.

[Redhead14]

He asked me why I held in how I felt for so long

 

but I just ignored him

 

I told him that I have a hard time expressing myself

 

You have also given him a heads up as to the way you will/could handle things with him in the future.

[jen1447]

I'm a big advocate of not living together anyway, fwiw. Keeps things fresh and makes you always happy to see him instead of getting irritated with him about the toilet seat and all that other inevitable BS.

 

You can do sleep overs all you like btw, that doesn't count toward irritation bc eventually he or you will go home.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend is right. You are very young and need to experience life a little first before you go making long-term plans with him. And I am speaking from experience. Your friends who are your age and getting engaged and moving in with their boyfriends are also very young. You need to first stop comparing your relationship to theirs. That's not fair to your boyfriend.

 

Also, you need to improve your communication skills. Ignoring him is immature, full-stop. He was trying to be pleasant and show you a good time and you iced him out. Not good. He is seeing that you don't yet know how to deal with uncomfortable feelings and instead you project them on him. I imagine he's thinking about whether he can handle that in the long-term. In the future, talk when you are upset.

 

All you can do now is give him a bit of breathing room. No, you didn't pressure him to move in but you are becoming quite upset that he isn't ready for that yet. Your reaction to that indicates a level of unhappiness in the relationship and it seems he needs time to consider whether it's going to work out in the long run. Let him come to you now.

[Confused602]

Thank you everyone for the replies and advice. It is a good wake up call for me to hear from so many of you that I have been acting foolish and childish, and that my relationship was great as it was. Thank you for finally helping me come to terms with the fact that all those negative thoughts due to SM were ridiculous. For a long time I would go back forth between "oh I am being stupid," to "omg is the fact that we aren't doing xyz yet an issue?"

 

I have been giving him space. I have not messaged him since the last message I told you about. If anything, I hope me respecting his space shows him that I really do want to learn from this and grow. I realize my communication skills need work, and I know it won't happen overnight. But I do want to put the effort and be better. I truly believe we can grow and move past this. I can only hope that we will be given the chance to do so

[TaraMaiden2]

I would contact him and - honestly - eat humble pie.

Apologise.

Use whatever you want from this thread to let him know you see what he was saying was actually sound, wise and level-headed. You let your emotions get the better of you, and that was foolish.

you freely accept your mistake, and admit that you really weren't thinking straight.

Thank him for his advice, and tell him you consider living on your own to be the best idea for you both, right now....

[Confused602]

I would contact him and - honestly - eat humble pie.

Apologise.

Use whatever you want from this thread to let him know you see what he was saying was actually sound, wise and level-headed. You let your emotions get the better of you, and that was foolish.

you freely accept your mistake, and admit that you really weren't thinking straight.

Thank him for his advice, and tell him you consider living on your own to be the best idea for you both, right now....

I do want to talk to him -in person preferably- and let him know all these things and be 100% honest for once and let him know I do actively want to be a better communicator. As much as I would love to contact him soon, I am honestly afraid of doing it too soon and pushing him away how do I go about gauging and approaching this without being pushy or coming off pushy?

[TaraMaiden2]

I do want to talk to him -in person preferably- and let him know all these things and be 100% honest for once and let him know I do actively want to be a better communicator. As much as I would love to contact him soon, I am honestly afraid of doing it too soon and pushing him away how do I go about gauging and approaching this without being pushy or coming off pushy?

 

Well, as far as I can tell from your post, he didn't actually ask you to not contact him... so wait, if you can, until tomorrow, unless he contacts you today...

 

Then call him, and say that before he says anything, could you just speak first?

Then.... previous post...... Or ask if you could meet him, because you have something to say, which you'd rather do in person, but it's all good.....

[Confused602]

Well, as far as I can tell from your post, he didn't actually ask you to not contact him... so wait, if you can, until tomorrow, unless he contacts you today...

 

Then call him, and say that before he says anything, could you just speak first?

Then.... previous post...... Or ask if you could meet him, because you have something to say, which you'd rather do in person, but it's all good.....

 

Yes he didn't say don't talk to me or anything like that, but I did feel like it was wise to give him some space to think. I can suck it up and give him a day of solid space before I try tomorrow. It is difficult though, because I am so afraid we are gonna crumble and not knowing is killin me....this whole thing was so stupid, but also needed to happen so I can finally get it through my thick skull that I need to grow up. I just hope he will give us a chance and doesnt think this behavior is permanent.

[TaraMaiden2]

What does your honest-to-goodness gut feeling tell you to do?

Honestly?

Call him now, or make yourself wait?

[nadine5]

You are very young yet, and I have to say I agree with him. It has only been 4 months. You should each live in your own places and continue to date each other. It will be good for you most of all, and if your relationship has a good foundation this will only make you stronger.

 

Right now, give him some space. Good luck.

 

Not four months, a YEAR and four months.

 

Social media is such a bitch. You think you're doing great and then you see relationships that are a little better than yours, and all of a sudden the insecurities start eating away at you. It sucks.

[nadine5]

You didn't do anything wrong, by the way. A year and four months is plenty of time to have this discussion and if he is too immature to handle it, then f**k him.

[toscaroscura]

Not four months, a YEAR and four months.

 

Social media is such a bitch. You think you're doing great and then you see relationships that are a little better than yours, and all of a sudden the insecurities start eating away at you. It sucks.

 

Whoops, my bad! My advice still stands though!

 

OP at least needs to learn to not clam up and ignore her BF. The silent treatment always sucks.

[Confused602]

You didn't do anything wrong, by the way. A year and four months is plenty of time to have this discussion and if he is too immature to handle it, then f**k him.

 

Yea I'm considering deleting those people who brag about their "perfect" relationships on SM or just flat out deleting it all together. It's obviously something that isn't doing any good in my life ya know? As far as him thinking about things, I think that mostly came from the fact that I expressed myself poorly. If I would have brought it up more maturely I don't think he would have had any issue elaborating where he is coming from. Unfortunately I didn't see that at the time

[Confused602]

Whoops, my bad! My advice still stands though!

 

OP at least needs to learn to not clam up and ignore her BF. The silent treatment always sucks.

 

Yes it does suck I feel so awful for treating him that way...no one deserves that. And I like your advice, I do believe we can grow stronger from this hiccup of given the chance.

[Redhead14]

Yea I'm considering deleting those people who brag about their "perfect" relationships on SM or just flat out deleting it all together. It's obviously something that isn't doing any good in my life ya know? As far as him thinking about things, I think that mostly came from the fact that I expressed myself poorly. If I would have brought it up more maturely I don't think he would have had any issue elaborating where he is coming from. Unfortunately I didn't see that at the time

 

It is recoverable. Let it sit for a bit. Compose yourself in the meantime and collect your thoughts so that when he contacts you to discuss it, you"ll show him you've "learned" something about how to communicate as well. Because if/when he does come to you and he'd been thinking about that issue, he'll see that you can and are willing to do better at that.

 

It's been a year and 4 months, if this pushes him away altogether and he doesn't come to you to talk about it calmly, it's likely he had some doubts anyway. If everything else has been really good up to this point, he will talk to you a little more about it.

 

Remain calm

[Gary S]

Usually I say wait 18 - 24 months before moving in together or getting married. But 16 months is close enough. It's reasonable.

 

He should have looked at you when you asked him to move in, smiled, and said, "Me and you and a dog named Boo, I love you too"! He should have been ecstatic.

 

There is nothing more worthwhile that a woman in love. Women in love do it better.

[Confused602]

It is recoverable. Let it sit for a bit. Compose yourself in the meantime and collect your thoughts so that when he contacts you to discuss it, you"ll show him you've "learned" something about how to communicate as well. Because if/when he does come to you and he'd been thinking about that issue, he'll see that you can and are willing to do better at that.

 

It's been a year and 4 months, if this pushes him away altogether and he doesn't come to you to talk about it calmly, it's likely he had some doubts anyway. If everything else has been really good up to this point, he will talk to you a little more about it.

 

Remain calm

 

Thank you for this post. I've been so up and down today and it was nice to read this. From what I can tell, we were happy and I don't believe I had any reason to think he had doubts before this all happened. I just hope and pray you and I are both correct.

[toscaroscura]

Usually I say wait 18 - 24 months before moving in together or getting married. But 16 months is close enough. It's reasonable.

 

He should have looked at you when you asked him to move in, smiled, and said, "Me and you and a dog named Boo, I love you too"! He should have been ecstatic.

 

There is nothing more worthwhile that a woman in love. Women in love do it better.

 

Seriously, do you have any single clones in the New England area??

 

:love::laugh:

[Gary S]

Seriously, do you have any single clones in the New England area??

 

:love::laugh:

 

 

- Thank you. Wuv ya more

[Confused602]

What does your honest-to-goodness gut feeling tell you to do?

Honestly?

Call him now, or make yourself wait?

 

Of course I want to just tell him everything already...but I just don't know if he's ready. The last thing I would want to do it make things worse by disrespecting his space. It's almost been 24 hrs since I sent him my last message, and it's been so tough. I've had this ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach