Jealousy When Dating and the Friendships Involved

[treehugger101]

In my previous relationships and dating situations my guy would have male and female friends and so would I. But in some of those relationships, I would be very jealous of my partner having female friends and would even tell him not to hang out with those females and only male friends.

 

But then it was alright for me to have male and female friends. I know they say jealousy is bad to have in a relationship, dating, or even marriage. Well I think my jealousy bug is creeping back into my system haha.

 

My current Boyfriend wants to introduce me to this female friend of his and part of me DOES NOT want to meet her, or even have the 3 of us hanging out together. But again, he has met some of my female/male friends but some of them it was a brief "Hello/Goodbye" situation, not really hanging out, at the mall or getting food etc.

 

He did hang out with me and one of my female friends for a brief couple of hours but that was it. We all got along too etc. But now that I have to meet his female friend and who knows how many others he has, I don't want to go through with it.

 

I don't mind him having male friends but females I don't know. You know how people are, they can twist people's minds and thoughts or flirt easily etc.

 

I just do not know what to do. Have any of you been in a situation like this? What did you do?

[d0nnivain]

Female friends he has known longer than you are part of the package. You have to turn them into allies as soon as possible because if you act like a catty jealous B they will sink your new romance faster than you can say I don't like her.

[treehugger101]

Female friends he has known longer than you are part of the package. You have to turn them into allies as soon as possible because if you act like a catty jealous B they will sink your new romance faster than you can say I don't like her.

 

What do you mean by allies?

[d0nnivain]

Allies are eople who are on your side. Someone to whisper in his ear, Oh I like her. She's good for you. Rather than someone who gives him reasons to break up with you.

[treehugger101]

Allies are eople who are on your side. Someone to whisper in his ear, Oh I like her. She's good for you. Rather than someone who gives him reasons to break up with you.

 

Ok but I didn't see a friendship forming with this girl I didn't like her nor did I like us hanging out together

[d0nnivain]

Ok but I didn't see a friendship forming with this girl I didn't like her nor did I like us hanging out together

 

I didn't say you had to be her friend. I said you had to turn her into an ally. If you don't, she will be the devil on his shoulder telling him to get rid of you.

 

Why didn't you like Her? If it was simply because she is his friend, she will win that fight & he'll dump you. Try to find something you can tolerate about her. Be civil.

 

About 25 years ago one of my good male friends started seeing this woman. They were only together for a few months. At some point she got in my face & told me to stay away from her BF. I laughed & said, he's my friend. You are some bimbo he's currently f**king. I'm no threat to you because I don't want him but I'm also not leaving. I'll be here when you are long gone. 17+ years later she came to pick up their daughter at his house. During their short lived romance she got pregnant. They never married & while my friend has always been great to his daughter he always resented her. When she walked in & saw me sitting on the couch talking to his mother who was also visiting him, she practically fell over. To her credit she laughed & said "you swore you'd still be here when I was long gone."

[lana-banana]

Ok but I didn't see a friendship forming with this girl I didn't like her nor did I like us hanging out together

 

Even if you aren't going to be friends, it's not a good sign that you dislike her so strongly because she probably picked up on it. If your boyfriend asked her later what she thought of you she may have given him a very negative opinion. Because she's his good friend, he's going to value what she says. Do you see how this could be a problem for you?

 

Contrary to what Hollywood claims, it's absolutely possible to be friends with the opposite sex and have no romantic inclinations whatsoever. You can't forbid your boyfriend from having female friends. Yes, if people start flirting you can respectfully request he lay down some boundaries (if he doesn't do so by himself), but that's about it.

 

d0nnivain is right in that you want his girl friends to be your friends as much as possible. It will make everyone's lives easier and it never hurts to expand your social circle.

[treehugger101]

Even if you aren't going to be friends, it's not a good sign that you dislike her so strongly because she probably picked up on it. If your boyfriend asked her later what she thought of you she may have given him a very negative opinion. Because she's his good friend, he's going to value what she says. Do you see how this could be a problem for you?

 

Contrary to what Hollywood claims, it's absolutely possible to be friends with the opposite sex and have no romantic inclinations whatsoever. You can't forbid your boyfriend from having female friends. Yes, if people start flirting you can respectfully request he lay down some boundaries (if he doesn't do so by himself), but that's about it.

 

d0nnivain is right in that you want his girl friends to be your friends as much as possible. It will make everyone's lives easier and it never hurts to expand your social circle.

 

But the thing is, they hardly know each other, they have only been friends a year and rarely talk, let alone hang out. They met through friends of friends of friends. What had happened with the 3 of us meeting, was him and I had attended this convention, and she was already there and he called her up and invited her over to my place, when he was picking me up to take me to the convention. Thats when I met her, then we went back to the hotel and he had me and her walk to the convention a few blocks away, while he stayed behind and rode the bus to the convention.

 

During the time her and I did walk and talk it was brief and we didn't even talk much. After her and I arrived at the convention I took off to go to my event to get in line, then she stayed and met up with him. And the 2 of them hung out while heading in my direction. She couldn't go into the convention without her ID badge like everyone else. So he went and met me and him and I hung out and thats where I told him I didn't want the three of us to hang out.

 

I told him I was jealous and was probably going to be a bi*ch too. But he said I was not being a bi*ch for one I am not a dog and two he didn't see it that way. He saw it was me feeling uncomfortable and understood that. He just wanted her and I to meet because he wanted me to make friends since I don't have any friends.

 

Well I have friends but their just internet friends, rarely any physical friends. Anyway in the end I don't want to be her friend or friends with any of friends. You know what happens if the girlfriend becomes friends with the Boyfriend's friend circle, they will all side with him not her and it will just get out of hand etc. And I don't want any friends, I just want him and for us to hang out.

 

I don't know I know me being 28 almost and acting this way is not mature of me. During my last relationship this same thing happened. I told my ex who he could and could not hang out with and it wasn't right. I didn't want a repeat of that and it isn't happening. I am allowing my Boyfriend to hang out with whoever he wants etc.

[lana-banana]

If anything, the fact that he and that girl aren't particularly close gives you even less reason to be jealous. It's good that you recognize your jealousy is irrational, but your jealousy may be less important than your underlying discomfort with other people in general.

 

I told him I was jealous and was probably going to be a bi*ch too. But he said I was not being a bi*ch for one I am not a dog and two he didn't see it that way. He saw it was me feeling uncomfortable and understood that. He just wanted her and I to meet because he wanted me to make friends since I don't have any friends.

 

That was a sweet gesture on his part, and he was probably very disappointed with how things worked out. It doesn't sound like there was anything wrong with her. Would you be willing to give it another try? Maybe you could be friends with one of his pals who's more like you.

 

I have friends but their just internet friends, rarely any physical friends.

 

Why do you think this is? It's an important thing to understand about yourself, especially in the context of healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise.

 

Anyway in the end I don't want to be her friend or friends with any of friends. You know what happens if the girlfriend becomes friends with the Boyfriend's friend circle, they will all side with him not her and it will just get out of hand etc.

 

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, because it makes no sense at all. I have become good friends with many friends of people I've dated. Heck, when I met a girl who's close to my current boyfriend, she told him she already liked me more than him. Blended social circles, as messy as they can sometimes be, are a fact of life.

 

And I don't want any friends, I just want him and for us to hang out.

 

Gently, unless your boyfriend is as introverted as you are---and it sounds like he's not---this is an extremely unrealistic expectation to have. Most people love their friends and want to spend time with them, whether it's at the movies, bars, parties, weddings, or double dates. It will be hard to have a committed relationship with someone who has different values regarding something as basic as social interactions.

[treehugger101]

If anything, the fact that he and that girl aren't particularly close gives you even less reason to be jealous. It's good that you recognize your jealousy is irrational, but your jealousy may be less important than your underlying discomfort with other people in general.

 

 

 

That was a sweet gesture on his part, and he was probably very disappointed with how things worked out. It doesn't sound like there was anything wrong with her. Would you be willing to give it another try? Maybe you could be friends with one of his pals who's more like you.

 

 

 

Why do you think this is? It's an important thing to understand about yourself, especially in the context of healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise.

 

 

 

I have no idea what this is supposed to mean, because it makes no sense at all. I have become good friends with many friends of people I've dated. Heck, when I met a girl who's close to my current boyfriend, she told him she already liked me more than him. Blended social circles, as messy as they can sometimes be, are a fact of life.

 

 

 

Gently, unless your boyfriend is as introverted as you are---and it sounds like he's not---this is an extremely unrealistic expectation to have. Most people love their friends and want to spend time with them, whether it's at the movies, bars, parties, weddings, or double dates. It will be hard to have a committed relationship with someone who has different values regarding something as basic as social interactions.

 

Well I don't know what to do alright. I feel like I am a terrible person for how I acted.