DeeplyMissHer Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I've been with my current girlfriend for almost two years. She is great: funny, fun and outgoing. I like spending time with her, the sex is pretty good but I don't have that "in love" feeling for her. Four years ago my ex girlfriend and I broke up. We met in 2002: she was 14 and I was 16 so we were young when we started dating. I had dated a girl before her for 6 months. We broke up in summer 2011. Our daughter was born in October 2008. The years following her birth our relationship fell apart. She wanted to get married, and buy a house. I on the other hand wanted to party. Even after our daughter was born I stayed out every weekend going to the bar while she stayed at home. She told me she was unhappy but I didn't listen. One day I came home to her packing up my daughter and her stuff. She told me she was moving back home with her parents three hours away. Three months after the break up I promised to stop partying. We talked every night, and seen each other a few times a week. Just before Christmas that year she told me this wasn't working so we broke up for good. Almost a year later she started dating another man who is is engaged to this past summer. Shortly after she met him, I started to get back into the dating scene while maintaining a relationship with our daughter. On New Years Eve 2013, I met my current girlfriend. Three months ago we moved in together. She has hinted lately she wants to take our relationship to the next level. By the time I met her I was ready to settle down. But now that she is all ready talking about marriage and starting a family I'm not feeling it. I've been thinking about my ex girlfriend a lot. I don't know if it is because I threw away this chance with my ex girlfriend and thinking about what could have been or what. Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I wouldn't want to make any assumptions but do you think the reason you really miss the relationship with your ex is your ambivalence regarding the progress of your current relationship? Are you wishing you could get back with your ex or are you just generally feeling that you miss her and wonder what could have been? Maybe the fact she is engaged now has caused you to think a lot more about it too. Your current gf is obviously wanting things to progress towards long-term being together towards marriage and having kids. You need to make a decision about where you stand on this so you can set her free if it's not what you both want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Are you wishing you could get back with your ex or are you just generally feeling that you miss her and wonder what could have been? On and off since the breakup I have thought about what I could have done differently. I wonder if we would still be together if I stayed home every weekend with her and our daughter. I'll never know. As for wishing we could get back together. For the first year after we called it quits for good I wished we could be together. I thought about her everyday. Every time I had our daughter for my visitation it reminded me of her. Now, I accepted she has moved on and we will never get back together. My daughter has adjusted well. To answer your question in all my rambling, I do think I just generally miss her and thinking about the good times we had. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 OMG don't lead your GF on if you are not on board with getting married. I don't think it has anything to do with your ex, you are just not that into your GF. It's only fair to man up and have a talk with her and let her know about how you feel. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) I sometime wondered if I friend zoned my girlfriend. Her and I have a lot in common. We both like sports, camping, being outdoors, the same music (except she likes some country where I don't) and the same type in cuisine. We can go out and have a fun time. When we have sex, its always enjoyable. The issue is when I'm at work I don't really get the feeling of "OMG, I can't wait to get home and see her." I used to get that feeling when I was dating my ex-girlfriend. I know I need to make a decision. I hate to think I"m stringing my current girlfriend along. I do care for her deeply. Edited October 26, 2015 by DeeplyMissHer Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 On and off since the breakup I have thought about what I could have done differently. I wonder if we would still be together if I stayed home every weekend with her and our daughter. I'll never know. As for wishing we could get back together. For the first year after we called it quits for good I wished we could be together. I thought about her everyday. Every time I had our daughter for my visitation it reminded me of her. Now, I accepted she has moved on and we will never get back together. My daughter has adjusted well. To answer your question in all my rambling, I do think I just generally miss her and thinking about the good times we had. Do you wish you had tried to get back together with her before she found herself engaged to another man? That's certainly a tough one. Don't be too hard on yourself. You were young and probably not ready for all of that. But you say your daughter is doing well and that's good. I would try and move on to other things since your ex is now engaged. You can survive and still miss her. It's okay. You will meet someone else who makes you feel in love again. Can you honestly say you are in love with your gf though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Can you honestly say you are in love with your gf though? I know I shouldn't compare it to my ex. But I never felt the level of "love and intamacy" with her as I did my ex. I'm talking about the feeling I felt. I care about her as I would a friend, my sister even (I know that sounds bad) but I don't really know how to explain it. I know I need to tell her how I feel. But I'm afraid to say anything. She is such a wonderful, caring person and I hate myself for not feeling it. I don't understand how she and I have so much in common but I don't love her that way. My ex girlfriend and I were different but I loved her. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I know I shouldn't compare it to my ex. But I never felt the level of "love and intamacy" with her as I did my ex. I'm talking about the feeling I felt. I care about her as I would a friend, my sister even (I know that sounds bad) but I don't really know how to explain it. I know I need to tell her how I feel. But I'm afraid to say anything. She is such a wonderful, caring person and I hate myself for not feeling it. I don't understand how she and I have so much in common but I don't love her that way. My ex girlfriend and I were different but I loved her. I don't know. Hm I know what you mean. I actually read somewhere that too many similarities can prevent deep attraction and that differences are what ignites it and makes it exciting. You don't necessarily have to find your gf the best looking girl in the world but I agree that you have to feel that longing for her, that kind of thing you can't put your finger. I've been through this too - have met men I really cared for but I didn't feel enough to see them as a boyfriend, they were more like a brother to me. It's frustrating. You'll have to talk to her but be really carefully about which words you choose to use as she will be analysing it in her head afterwards. You don't need to be too literal with her. You can just say that you're not ready for a big commitment at this stage of your life, something like that. Once you have shared this information with her, she can digest it and you can discuss things from there. Do not mention your ex at all or any notion you may be pining for her. Just say you're not feeling certain about getting more serious. Link to post Share on other sites
walkingonair Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 You don't actually love or miss your ex. She just hurt you and you can't get over it and open your heart truly to your new gf. We always miss what's not in our lives cause our ego is hurt. If your ex came back you'd Start to miss your current gf. You don't feel that in love feeling because you're emotionally unavailable and you're holding yourself back. You should let your current gf go until you get rid of all your baggage because its really selfish of you to just date her and not love her for so long. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 My girlfriend broke up with me last night. I knew I was avoiding the inevitable; so thanks for the kick in the ass I needed to tell her how I feel. She got off work at 4pm, ate supper and sat on the couch. I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to have another child or get married at this time. And that I needed time before making any decisions. We talked for a bit and then she agreed to allow me to take time before making any decisions. A few hours after that, when we both went to sleep (or I went to sleep) she woke me up and said that she was moving at the end of November. She didn't want to wait for someone who wasn't committed to her. I felt sad but relieved at the same time. I'm sad in a way that I'm losing a friend, kind of similar to when a friend moves away or switches school's growing up. But relief because I don't have to feel tied down anymore. It's bittersweet and I will miss her companionship but in the long run we can both find people who are compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 A little update. I'm so glad I told her the truth. It has been freeing even though its a little sad, because our relationship has ended. We are sticking it out for one more month before we go our separate ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerSkies Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 We are sticking it out for one more month before we go our separate ways. What's the point? Is she hoping you'll "see the light" and realize you love her? Let her go. It sounds like a great way to drag out pain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
walkingonair Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 A little update. I'm so glad I told her the truth. It has been freeing even though its a little sad, because our relationship has ended. We are sticking it out for one more month before we go our separate ways. It's really great that you told her!!! But I gotta warn you..... You're gonna miss her a lot when she actually moves and starts dating other peoole. :/ It hasn't hit you yet, but it will... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Another Update: My ex girlfriend moved out last night. I'm moving into a bachelor pad as I can't afford the rent on this place alone. I'm feeling relieved that she is gone. I realize that I felt trapped with her. I'm learning new things about myself since being with her. As for my daughter mother. We had a great conversation (not dealing with our DD) about the past. She admitted that she will always love me but she's happy. I told her that was all I wanted. In the end it was closure. I hope one day to find someone I loved as much as her. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmissjava Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Your emotional healing journey is now beginning. Do work through it as much as possible and you will find someone you loved as much as you loved the mother of your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Your not into your current relationship. And because of that - your pondering on the past - trying to escape. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted December 3, 2015 Author Share Posted December 3, 2015 I'm moved into my new place. I all ready hate it... But until I can find a better job, get a raise or rent goes down this is all I have. It's only 450 sq feet. It would have been fine if I didn't have to squeeze my daughter's bed and dresser in the living room for when she comes over for a visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 I look back on this thread. I guess it was true when I said I wasn't over my ex. Now we are trying to work on things. How ironic! Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 (edited) So you strung along a woman for 2 years only to feel you weren't sure about her? Wow. This makes me feel really cynical about being in a relationship. I feel like everyone out there is selfish and manipulative, like my ex. No wonder there are "players" in the world. Geee. I wonder how they came about?! Edited December 16, 2016 by Logo Link to post Share on other sites
Author DeeplyMissHer Posted December 16, 2016 Author Share Posted December 16, 2016 So you strung along a woman for 2 years only to feel you weren't sure about her? Wow. This makes me feel really cynical about being in a relationship. I feel like everyone out there is selfish and manipulative, like my ex. No wonder there are "players" in the world. Geee. I wonder how they came about?! I was incredibly selfish. It's not that I didn't love her. I cared for her deeply but I wasn't over my ex-girlfriend and always thought with time I would get to that level of intimacy and desire. But it didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted December 16, 2016 Share Posted December 16, 2016 We'll close this up so that there will not be two concurrent threads running on the same topic. An updated thread can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/603121-giving-my-ex-girlfriend-another-chance Thanks, ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
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