I think he is keeping me a secret?

[jelai]

- The basics:

 

Me: 29, no kids, never married;

Him: 32, divorced for 2 years (but separated for 3 years before that), an amazing father to his 7 year-old daughter (sole custody)

 

Been with him for a little over 6 months. I have never been with a single dad so this is all very new to me and I thought I was doing well.

 

-The good:

 

I have been pretty laid back about our relationship: I understand that his daughter comes first (one of the things I love about him is how much he loves her and how responsible he is as a father), I give him tons of space when I they are together and I never come in between (nor have I ever felt the need to meddle or make demands) so it has never been an issue.

 

He makes me very happy and he always makes sure to make me feel wanted and appreciated. He reassures me that I am the only one and that he 100% sees a future with me. He is also always there when it matters, like when I was in a car accident, when I needed repairs around the house, when I was going through a rough time, stuff like that.

 

-The bad:

 

He wants to take things slow, which is fine, but I think we are moving too slow. We talk every day, from good morning to good night, but I only see him once a week, twice if I am lucky. I would really like to see him more

 

I respect his pace in regards to his daughter, so I am in no hurry to meet her if he is not ready, but I do not believe this is the only reason he is not stepping it up.

 

I am actually starting to feel more like he is also hiding me from his ex-wife and her family. He told me he and his ex-wife are friends for their daughter's sake, but they grew up together since they were babies so considers her family his family too. I thought that was very mature of him and the setup was a good thing for his daughter's foundation and well-being so I wasn't threatened.

 

Yesterday I discovered what that really meant when I saw photos he was tagged in from his his niece's birthday. At the time, I had thought he meant his sister's daughter, really it was his ex-wife's sister's daughter. Same when he said he was going to his uncle's wedding, he meant his ex-wife's uncle; when he went to a baseball game with his brother, he meant his ex-wife's brother; etc. etc. etc.

 

Because of all of this, I feel like we are not as "close" as I would like us to be at this point. I don't feel integrated into his life and I feel like he is not letting me in. Feels like he is living a double life in which one of them no one knows I exist.

 

How do I deal with this? I don't know if I'm upset, hurt, sad? I just feel like just withdrawing from him and I can feel it happening already, but I also know I should talk to him about it. We have open communication and we're comfortable talking about anything, but I have no idea how to handle this one.

 

How do I talk to him about seeing him more and being more involved in each other's lives without putting pressure? Is there even a way to do that?

 

When we did talk about where we were in the 3-month mark, he said he just needs a little more time to make me a part of his life. He has made an effort here and there, but honestly I don't know if it is enough when it feels like I am being kept a secret.

 

Do you (especially single fathers on this forum) think I am asking for too much too soon? I know he has a lot at stake and entering that part of his life would really change the dynamic in their family.

Edited November 12, 2015 by jelai

[hippychick3]

Speaking as a single mother myself, yes you are expecting too much too soon. It's only been 6 months. At this stage you should still be getting to know each other and building a relationship that doesn't include his child yet. He can't possibly know you're going to be in his future after only 6 months together, and I believe a parent shouldn't introduce new bf's or gf's to their kids until they are fairly certain there is a future there.

 

Give it more time and allow him the space to make that call. Fwiw, I didn't introduce my kids to my boyfriend until we had been dating well over a year. He was the first bf my kids ever met.

[angel.eyes]

Have you met any of his friends? His best friend? His co-workers? His own family (not his ex-wife's family)? For example, his sibling or parent? Does anyone important in his life know that you are in his life as his girlfriend? Six months in...some should.

 

Have you confirmed that he's actually divorced? Is his ex dating others or in her own relationship?

[jen1447]

IMO 6 months isn't unreasonable to expect to have made some personal inroads. I'd just put it to him exactly as you've put it here. You sound like you have your stuff together so I assume that won't involve any screaming or accusations, etc.

[hippychick3]

Has he mentioned attending the family thanksgiving gathering?

 

Will he include you into his family life this holiday season?

 

I'd ask him what the plan is. If he's not planning to bring you along then he's not ready and may never be ready for that kind of change in the family dynamics.

 

I don't think this is necessarily true given they've been together less than a year and there is a child involved.

 

I would never have brought my boyfriend to a holiday dinner with my children and family within the first year of dating. There are many parents, like myself, who are extra cautious and move slowly. It's not a bad thing.

 

If a guy pushed to spend time with my kids before I was ready (and it happened with a couple previous short-term boyfriends), it would push me away.

[jelai]

Speaking as a single mother myself, yes you are expecting too much too soon. It's only been 6 months. At this stage you should still be getting to know each other and building a relationship that doesn't include his child yet. He can't possibly know you're going to be in his future after only 6 months together, and I believe a parent shouldn't introduce new bf's or gf's to their kids until they are fairly certain there is a future there.

 

Give it more time and allow him the space to make that call. Fwiw, I didn't introduce my kids to my boyfriend until we had been dating well over a year. He was the first bf my kids ever met.

 

Thanks. I definitely agree and meeting his daughter isn't really my concern. I said in my post that I am in no hurry to do that and have no problem going at his pace. I have to prepare myself too and I'm not ready either.

 

My main issue is that I feel like he is keeping me a secret from his ex-wife and her family and vice versa. I don't expect or want to meet them right away, but I wish he hadn't omitted information about them. Now it just makes it look like he is hiding me.

 

There's not a lot I can do about that and want to respect his privacy and space, but at the same time it was a wake up call to me that he keeps me so detached and at an arm's length from his "other" life. I want to know so badly about that life because it's a huge part of who he is.

 

And yeah, I want them to at least know I exist or for him to start working up to that now or at least show me he has the intent of doing so... is that too much also? It's fine if it is at 6 months, I just want to know to manage my expectations.

 

What I want to know is how do I talk to him about that and being more involved in each other's lives without pressuring him? I feel like such an outsider.

 

That and spending more time together, like maybe one more day a week or something like that. Seeing him once a week, even though we talk everyday, isn't really enough to build a relationship, is it? I've always been with guys who wanted to spend all their time with me, so I don't know what it's like to ask for that.

[jelai]

Have you met any of his friends? His best friend? His co-workers? His own family (not his ex-wife's family)? For example, his sibling or parent? Does anyone important in his life know that you are in his life as his girlfriend? Six months in...some should.

 

Have you confirmed that he's actually divorced? Is his ex dating others or in her own relationship?

 

Yes I've met his siblings (including his brother with whom he is very close, apparently he told him about me the day we met and that made me smile) and his business partner/best friend. That's about as small as his circle gets outside of his ex-wife's side of the family, which is a MUCH bigger part of the equation, hence me feeling this way.

 

Good question! I have no idea whether she is dating others or is in her own relationship. The thought never crossed my mind. Would I be overstepping my boundaries asking that? Not sure I feel comfortable, but yes they are definitely divorced.

[hippychick3]

Thanks. I definitely agree and meeting his daughter isn't really my concern. I said in my post that I am in no hurry to do that and have no problem going at his pace. I have to prepare myself too and I'm not ready either.

 

My main issue is that I feel like he is keeping me a secret from his ex-wife and her family and vice versa. I don't expect or want to meet them right away, but I wish he hadn't omitted information about them. Now it just makes it look like he is hiding me.

 

There's not a lot I can do about that and want to respect his privacy and space, but at the same time it was a wake up call to me that he keeps me so detached and at an arm's length from his "other" life. I want to know so badly about that life because it's a huge part of who he is.

 

And yeah, I want them to at least know I exist or for him to start working up to that now or at least show me he has the intent of doing so... is that too much also? It's fine if it is at 6 months, I just want to know to manage my expectations.

 

What I want to know is how do I talk to him about that and being more involved in each other's lives without pressuring him? I feel like such an outsider.

 

That and spending more time together, like maybe one more day a week or something like that. Seeing him once a week, even though we talk everyday, isn't really enough to build a relationship, is it? I've always been with guys who wanted to spend all their time with me, so I don't know what it's like to ask for that.

 

I completely understand what you're saying and wanting here. But, there is no need for his ex or ex's family to know about you at this point. It's frankly none of their business. Now, his family (that does NOT include the ex in-laws) is another story. I would expect him to have told his family about you. There is no reason whatsoever for his ex to know about you until you're either living together or getting married. My ex doesn't need to know who I date and after 2 plus years with the same person, I still wouldn't share that information with him. I don't plan to unless we move in together or get married.

 

Regarding only spending one day a week together, I would agree with you there unless he has no one to watch his child (where's the mom in that scenario?). I think 2 times a week at this stage is reasonable if he could arrange childcare. Maybe lunches together during the week?

 

In the end, you aren't dealing with a typical single childless guy. It's so different when you have kids and you're protective of them and your time with them.

[jelai]

IMO 6 months isn't unreasonable to expect to have made some personal inroads. I'd just put it to him exactly as you've put it here. You sound like you have your stuff together so I assume that won't involve any screaming or accusations, etc.

 

Thank you! I was very much unprepared for this and I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes while also paying attention to my own needs.

 

So basically just saying something like, "I'd really like to see you more, what would be a doable frequency for you and how can we make that happen?" and "I'd really to learn more about your life. What was it like growing up with [ex-wife]'s family?" is okay? (second question sounds odd, but they are very different culturally so in that context it makes sense)

 

I don't need to bring up the whole I-saw-pics-of-you-and-you-kinda-lied-to-me-by-omission part, right? Not really the main issue and it just looks bad, like I'm stalking.

[jelai]

Has he mentioned attending the family thanksgiving gathering?

 

Will he include you into his family life this holiday season?

 

I'd ask him what the plan is. If he's not planning to bring you along then he's not ready and may never be ready for that kind of change in the family dynamics.

 

We haven't talked about Thanksgiving, that's a good idea to get the conversation going, thanks! Since he spends most holidays with his ex's family I'm assuming he will be spending it with them. I'm really not ready for him to bring me along though, way too soon for me.

[angel.eyes]

Yes I've met his siblings (including his brother with whom he is very close, apparently he told him about me the day we met and that made me smile) and his business partner/best friend. That's about as small as his circle gets outside of his ex-wife's side of the family, which is a MUCH bigger part of the equation, hence me feeling this way.

 

Good question! I have no idea whether she is dating others or is in her own relationship. The thought never crossed my mind. Would I be overstepping my boundaries asking that? Not sure I feel comfortable, but yes they are definitely divorced.

 

Don't ask. I was just curious because it might give you some insight into whether he was holding out hope to reconcile with her.

 

Your feelings and concerns are more than reasonable. By six months, you should have progressed beyond one date a week. It's reassuring though that you've met his family and others in his social circle.

 

Before you speak with him, take a step back and decide what you need from the relationship. Think about what would make you walk away. You want to be clear on those things and your boundaries before you have a heart-to-heart with him. When you do talk about your concerns, focus on wanting to see him more often, wanting to build a stronger connection, and wanting to feel like an integral part of his life as the relationship grows. Share some of your observations and how those made YOU feel. By focusing on your feelings, it's less likely to feel like direct criticism about his choices and is thus less likely to put him on the defensive.

 

Best of luck!

[angel.eyes]

I don't need to bring up the whole I-saw-pics-of-you-and-you-kinda-lied-to-me-by-omission part, right? Not really the main issue and it just looks bad, like I'm stalking.

Correct. Don't do this.

 

He seems closer to his ex' family than his own. He's spending Thanksgiving with them rather than his own family?

[jen1447]

Thank you! I was very much unprepared for this and I'm just trying to put myself in his shoes while also paying attention to my own needs.

 

So basically just saying something like, "I'd really like to see you more, what would be a doable frequency for you and how can we make that happen?" and "I'd really to learn more about your life. What was it like growing up with [ex-wife]'s family?" is okay? (second question sounds odd, but they are very different culturally so in that context it makes sense)

 

I don't need to bring up the whole I-saw-pics-of-you-and-you-kinda-lied-to-me-by-omission part, right? Not really the main issue and it just looks bad, like I'm stalking.

 

Ok, you're at 6 months ....these things vary w/ppl but to me that says you should be very familiar w/each other by now, not formal at all, right? If so, then I'd say sth more like "hey pookie I want to see more of you!" and "so what's up w/this secret past of yours or is it that you're a double agent?" type stuff. Don't be formal - you're entitled to a certain level of access to him now so just take it.

 

Also honesty is always the best policy. You saw the tagged pics on his FB, right? Just say you were looking at his FB (it's not a crime) and saw those pics and you wondered what was up w/that. (If you start down the road of 'secret' FB monitoring you'll be building up your own wall between you, nevermind his. I had a BF once who early on admitted he "totally creeped my FB." It was very charming - bc he willingly made himself vulnerable and established trust thru honesty. Of course it also helped I was into him lol - you couldn't do that as an orbiter/outlier. )

[jelai]

I completely understand what you're saying and wanting here. But, there is no need for his ex or ex's family to know about you at this point. It's frankly none of their business. Now, his family (that does NOT include the ex in-laws) is another story. I would expect him to have told his family about you. There is no reason whatsoever for his ex to know about you until you're either living together or getting married. My ex doesn't need to know who I date and after 2 plus years with the same person, I still wouldn't share that information with him. I don't plan to unless we move in together or get married.

 

This is really great, thanks for the perspective. Are you close with your ex in-laws? The only reason I want them to know about me is because they are so present in his life that that I don't see us spending more time together without them getting involved, so I think that prevents him from doing so or getting closer to me. Nonetheless I'm starting see that this would be a huge step.

 

More importantly, I want to know about them because they are such a significant part of his life and who he is. I feel like there is this huge chunk of his life that I not only don't know about, but he also keeps intentionally hidden. I think at least telling me about them will bring us closer as a couple (am I wrong?).

 

Regarding only spending one day a week together, I would agree with you there unless he has no one to watch his child (where's the mom in that scenario?). I think 2 times a week at this stage is reasonable if he could arrange childcare. Maybe lunches together during the week?

 

I was thinking lunches too, which was what we did when we first started seeing each other

 

The mom works a lot and gets their daughter usually every Sunday. Otherwise her family or his siblings watch her after school. I wouldn't impose asking him to ask them to watch her to spend time with me though.

 

In the end, you aren't dealing with a typical single childless guy. It's so different when you have kids and you're protective of them and your time with them.

 

It definitely is! It's something I'm learning every day and every step of the way. I've had to adjust my mind set and expectations a lot because of it, but I think he's absolutely worth it. I fee lucky that he also understands that this is a first for me so he's been accommodating and communicative too.

[jelai]

Correct. Don't do this.

 

He seems closer to his ex' family than his own. He's spending Thanksgiving with them rather than his own family?

 

I don't know if he's closer or not, I don't know enough about their relationship is the thing. What I do know is because they grew up together he considers them family, doesn't call them in-laws at all. Refers to ex-wife's siblings as his own and calls their mom "mom." (I don't care about this, what I am not okay with is being misled that when he says he's going to his sister's or whoever's event, I'm thinking he means his biological sister and I feel like the omission was intentional).

 

I'm only guessing he's spending Thanksgiving with them based on the pics I saw, seems like they spend all holidays together. Knowing him, this is also for his daughter's benefit so she's not spending holidays with a parent absent.

 

His biological siblings have their own families, so I think he just kinda went with the flow of how holidays were spent even post-divorce.

[jelai]

Ok, you're at 6 months ....these things vary w/ppl but to me that says you should be very familiar w/each other by now, not formal at all, right? If so, then I'd say sth more like "hey pookie I want to see more of you!" and "so what's up w/this secret past of yours or is it that you're a double agent?" type stuff. Don't be formal - you're entitled to a certain level of access to him now so just take it.

 

Lol, yes you're correct. I do plan on being a little more playful about it, but I have a feeling it's going to be more a serious talk so we will see!

 

Also honesty is always the best policy. You saw the tagged pics on his FB, right? Just say you were looking at his FB (it's not a crime) and saw those pics and you wondered what was up w/that. (If you start down the road of 'secret' FB monitoring you'll be building up your own wall between you, nevermind his. I had a BF once who early on admitted he "totally creeped my FB." It was very charming - bc he willingly made himself vulnerable and established trust thru honesty. Of course it also helped I was into him lol - you couldn't do that as an orbiter/outlier. )

 

Aww that's cute! I'm actually not on FB much so I didn't see it on his profile. Saw it on my newsfeed, but really I know myself I definitely don't want to go down the path of secret FB monitoring which is likely if we don't clear things up soon!

[jelai]

Don't ask. I was just curious because it might give you some insight into whether he was holding out hope to reconcile with her.

 

Your feelings and concerns are more than reasonable. By six months, you should have progressed beyond one date a week. It's reassuring though that you've met his family and others in his social circle.

 

Before you speak with him, take a step back and decide what you need from the relationship. Think about what would make you walk away. You want to be clear on those things and your boundaries before you have a heart-to-heart with him. When you do talk about your concerns, focus on wanting to see him more often, wanting to build a stronger connection, and wanting to feel like an integral part of his life as the relationship grows. Share some of your observations and how those made YOU feel. By focusing on your feelings, it's less likely to feel like direct criticism about his choices and is thus less likely to put him on the defensive.

 

Best of luck!

 

This advice is golden, thank you. I have been feeling like something is holding me back from speaking up right away (which is so unlike me) and other than not knowing how to approach, I think it's also because I do need that step back to pinpoint and be clear with my needs and boundaries.

[hippychick3]

This is really great, thanks for the perspective. Are you close with your ex in-laws? The only reason I want them to know about me is because they are so present in his life that that I don't see us spending more time together without them getting involved, so I think that prevents him from doing so or getting closer to me. Nonetheless I'm starting see that this would be a huge step.

 

More importantly, I want to know about them because they are such a significant part of his life and who he is. I feel like there is this huge chunk of his life that I not only don't know about, but he also keeps intentionally hidden. I think at least telling me about them will bring us closer as a couple (am I wrong?).

 

 

 

I was thinking lunches too, which was what we did when we first started seeing each other

 

The mom works a lot and gets their daughter usually every Sunday. Otherwise her family or his siblings watch her after school. I wouldn't impose asking him to ask them to watch her to spend time with me though.

 

 

 

It definitely is! It's something I'm learning every day and every step of the way. I've had to adjust my mind set and expectations a lot because of it, but I think he's absolutely worth it. I fee lucky that he also understands that this is a first for me so he's been accommodating and communicative too.

 

I am not close with my in-laws anymore. But even if I were close with them, they are my EX'S family and therefore, I would not bring any men I date to an event with them in attendance. Your boyfriend has a very unusual situation with his ex in-laws. But the fact of the matter is, they are his ex-wife's family and to bring a current girlfriend around them would be very strange. It's okay to ask him about them but not to expect to be invited.

 

And, I wasn't suggesting he ask his in-laws to watch his child...I meant anyone he trusts (which is entirely up to him).

[jelai]

I am not close with my in-laws anymore. But even if I were close with them, they are my EX'S family and therefore, I would not bring any men I date to an event with them in attendance. Your boyfriend has a very unusual situation with his ex in-laws. But the fact of the matter is, they are his ex-wife's family and to bring a current girlfriend around them would be very strange. It's okay to ask him about them but not to expect to be invited.

 

And, I wasn't suggesting he ask his in-laws to watch his child...I meant anyone he trusts (which is entirely up to him).

 

Got it. He doesn't really rely on or trust anyone else to watch his child. Just his siblings and in-laws after school when she doesn't have an activity until he gets off work.

 

Thanks again for sharing your experience/thoughts. Really widened my perspective on things. And yes, it's definitely strange to bring me around to events and such, and strange for me as well. I'm not ready for that either

[SoftViolin]

OP, lots of great advice here already. Would only add that you seem a little tentative on your interactions with him, things you feel you "can say" without "overstepping boundaries". I do very much agree with Jen in some of her posts above that you just need to be yourself, and talk to him honestly, from your heart.

 

You've been together for six months. That's not six dates or six hours, you are entitled to certain liberties in how you express yourself with him. So to me at least, asking about an ex-wife, his relatives who are such big part of his life, would definitely be something that should happen at that point. You seem like a very level headed person, and I totally get you wanting to know about his family (his ex' family as the case may be, but seems like he is treating them as his own, which makes the situation more complex, if anything). You are not asking to be introduced to them, have a title of a girlfriend with them, or attend any of these get-togethers. But there's nothing preventing him, IMO, from telling you who he is actually spending weekends with - ex wife's uncle's wedding, ex sister-in-law's daughter's birthday. He can tell you how they are like family to him, and given their relationship he stays in their lives. If that's all it is, there's nothing wrong with that, and nothing preventing him from being honest with you. This will make you feel more a part of his life, and hopefully will be easier for him.

 

Only two caveats I see with this. One is - there's a chance that's not all there is, and if so, you will find that out - or sense it- during a conversation with him, or in the near future. And two - maybe he is not telling you this because he isn't sure you want to know about all of this "baggage". Here again, I will go back to an earlier point - it is always, always, better to ask when in doubt. Ask questions that seem hard, ask them even though you are not sure you are entitled to an answer. If it bothers you enough, ask. Ask nicely, and unassumingly, but ask, because an answer, or lack of it, are both often very telling. And not asking can be very costly in the long run.

[sandylee1]

It's good that you've met his brother and best friend. Those close relatives are more important and it shows he's not hiding you. In time..if it gets more serious..then I'm sure he'll make them aware of your existence...but he probably won't want to do this until it's at that point.

 

Just tread with caution and spend the time you're not with him enjoying yourself. Once a week does sound quite minimal...but as he has sole custody it's understandable.

 

I always think there is a story when a man has sole custody of a child that age....especially especially when it's a girl. The story being that there was a compelling reason his Ex doesn't have custody.......as this isn't the norm. That may be something to do with his extra cautiouness.

 

Do you know why they split up?

[jelai]

Update: We talked and his response is that things will happen when they are supposed to and when the timing is right. He does not know when that will be but he is asking me trust him.

 

He couldn't really give me a reason why he has been basically keeping two worlds apart, just that this is what he is capable of right now. Not the answer I wanted, but it will do for now. He has reassured me that it is nothing against me, he is not concealing anything, just that it is a huge step that he is not ready for right now, but to trust that he does intend on getting there. I would be the very first woman he'd be bringing into their lives (even just tellign them about me), so in that context I understand the pressure.

 

As for spending more time together, he said he will figure something out and make it work, so I'm happy about that and we will see how it plays out.

 

Need your opinions on this please: I have been thinking about why I want them to know about me in the first place. Other than the obvious reasons, I realized it's also because I want them to know about me just to know that I exist, that things are different now, that there is someone in his life now... and by extension for ex-wife to realize that also. Is that selfish and insecure? It's just feels like there's something fundamentally wrong with them treating him like they are still married, and his ex-wife still referring to herself as his wife and him as her husband. It doesn't really bother me because that's her issues, but it does bother me that it feels like by not telling them about me, we are lying to them, almost. What do you guys think?

Edited November 20, 2015 by jelai

[jelai]

Only two caveats I see with this. One is - there's a chance that's not all there is, and if so, you will find that out - or sense it- during a conversation with him, or in the near future. And two - maybe he is not telling you this because he isn't sure you want to know about all of this "baggage". Here again, I will go back to an earlier point - it is always, always, better to ask when in doubt. Ask questions that seem hard, ask them even though you are not sure you are entitled to an answer. If it bothers you enough, ask. Ask nicely, and unassumingly, but ask, because an answer, or lack of it, are both often very telling. And not asking can be very costly in the long run.

 

Thank you, that's a great point about asking questions. I did sense that there is something more to the story, but knowing him it most likely is because it's "baggage" he doesn't want me to know about or deal with right now. There have been a few instances like that in our relationship, so I have had to trust that he will tell me when he is ready and you know what he always pulls through so I just have to trust that again.

[jelai]

It's good that you've met his brother and best friend. Those close relatives are more important and it shows he's not hiding you. In time..if it gets more serious..then I'm sure he'll make them aware of your existence...but he probably won't want to do this until it's at that point.

 

Just tread with caution and spend the time you're not with him enjoying yourself. Once a week does sound quite minimal...but as he has sole custody it's understandable.

 

I always think there is a story when a man has sole custody of a child that age....especially especially when it's a girl. The story being that there was a compelling reason his Ex doesn't have custody.......as this isn't the norm. That may be something to do with his extra cautiouness.

 

Do you know why they split up?

 

That's interesting, I never thought about the custody situation. I didn't know that was so uncommon. I have never asked about the story behind it, but now I do see why that would add to his cautiousness. Thanks for the insight.

 

They split up because they were fighting all the time and it wasn't good for anyone, especially the kid. They got married when she got pregnant, so he also felt "pressured" into it and in the end it was "clearly the wrong decision."

[smackie9]

M perspective is, 6 months is hardly enough time to really know someone. He has a more involved life than a young single guy that has never married and doesn't have kids.

 

He is still getting to know you so he isn't going to have you as an intricate part of his life....yet. That is why he is on the "Let's wait and see....." path. He's not "hiding" you, he is being cautious.