Strung him along and now he's doing the same to me. Should I just move on?

[paloma22]

Hi all, I will try to keep this as short as possible

 

I got out of a 1 year relationship in June 2015, and met a guy in August 2015 online. Immediately he treated me like his girlfriend, doing sweet things like bringing home made cookies to my work, inviting me on thoughtful dates, etc. I was dating others at the time and never really liked him from the start but I tend to really need time to warm up to and trust a man. At one point he asked if I was over my ex and I said I was (which in hindsight, maybe wasn't true at the time).

 

Fast forward to October and we were still casually dating, but had never brought up exclusivity. At one point we got into an argument and within the next day we both saw each other online again. After confronting him, he was surprised I was back on the sites so soon and it seemed he thought we were in an exclusive relationship prior to this.

 

We finally slept together and soon after he left for a month away for work. While communication was initially good, it slowly dwindled, and he also would reply to my messages in a snarky tone. I realized while he was gone how much I missed him in my life, how much he brought to my life, and that I wanted to date him exclusively.

 

Soon after returning I texted him and noticed he had deleted my number because he asked who it was(I had actually done this too, but then got it back). I asked to make plans and he kept deflecting and finally said that "he didn't know if i was dating other people or just not open to dating him but he thought his best attempt at chasing me was wasted… and he didn't have the heart to go through that again". I asked him to meet me to talk and we finally did last week.

 

I opened up about how I wasn't open to the idea of him as I wasn't over the ex, etc. and said I think some fairly nice honest things.. told him I was sorry and miss him in my life etc. He told me he forgot how pretty i was, that he had been dating when he was away but it was same old and that he had thought about me a bit. In the end, he said he would need to think about things before making a decision. I respected this and we held hands and even kissed goodnight.

 

That night (Wednesday) he booty called me, and invited me over to 'make out and cuddle'. I politely declined as I was up early for work, but tried to make daytime plans for which he was busy. He has been fairly responsive in texts but I have always had initiated conversation. Finally I invited him to a concert Tuesday and he told me he couldn't because he only gets back from a weekend trip away that day then works that night. I simply said OK back and radio silence since Friday.

 

I am so sad to even think about this but is it too late? Should I just give up and learn from my mistake? How do I really know where he stands (or is it clear as day and I'm just not seeing it)…

[Woggle]

Is this just a case of want what you can't have syndrome.

[paloma22]

Is this just a case of want what you can't have syndrome.

 

Thats what friends are saying, but I really think no, I care about him and even when I saw him all I wanted to do was be close to him. He makes me really happy and I want him in my life. I just think i was too stupid to see that before, and took advantage of him because I was comparing him to my ex (which is crazy, because he's a much more decent humble person than my ex).

[Woggle]

Can you honestly say without hesitation that if he made himself available today and gave you what you say you want that you wouldn't run in the other direction and push him away?

[paloma22]

Can you honestly say without hesitation that if he made himself available today and gave you what you say you want that you wouldn't run in the other direction and push him away?

 

Yes, I would be so happy and thrilled and no I would not. In fact I feel like I would have to try and overcompensate for taking advantage of him…and by taking advantage I mean cancelled once last minute for a date bc I was tired, showed up late when he cooked me dinner one day.. just really inconsiderate, bad stuff.

 

I am ashamed of myself really, but I was in a different headspace then, and just sort of jaded with men after getting blindsided and deeply hurt by my ex. So I think he was an outlet for that.

Edited December 7, 2015 by paloma22

[oregon0011]

Yes, I would be so happy and thrilled and no I would not. In fact I feel like I would have to try and overcompensate for taking advantage of him…and by taking advantage I mean cancelled once last minute for a date bc I was tired, showed up late when he cooked me dinner one day.. just really inconsiderate, bad stuff.

 

I am ashamed of myself really, but I was in a different headspace then, and just sort of jaded with men after getting blindsided and deeply hurt by my ex. So I think he was an outlet for that.

 

This is so confusing.. I am seeing a girl like this now... She won't want a relationship until I feel I am completely gone for good..And she also did similar things to me..

 

If he didn't leave for work, you really would have came around and wanted to be with him? Or like others said, you just want him because you cant have him?

[Woggle]

I hope you are right but us guys who have been around the block a few times know this story all too well. If you really want him then prove to him that you are ready to be in a relationship with him.

[paloma22]

This is so confusing.. I am seeing a girl like this now... She won't want a relationship until I feel I am completely gone for good..And she also did similar things to me..

 

If he didn't leave for work, you really would have came around and wanted to be with him? Or like others said, you just want him because you cant have him?

 

Actually the night before he left was one of the best dates yet, we rented a car and drove to a theme park. It made me realize that night just how much I wanted him in my life. I know it sounds like a case of the want what you can't haves, but I truly believe all of it was timing and circumstances. I just am starting to really think it won't matter what I do.

 

Ive also decided I can't keep reaching out to him and asking to make plans, I think I need something back from him now, otherwise he's just playing me a fool.

[paloma22]

I hope you are right but us guys who have been around the block a few times know this story all too well. If you really want him then prove to him that you are ready to be in a relationship with him.

 

But how do I do that? Ive now met him to talk (wednesday), completely opened up to him and expressed my feelings, and since I've tried to make plans with him but he's constantly deflected or been busy. The only thing he did was invite me over at 1130 at night the day we talked. He's out of town now til Tuesday but again, radio silence since asking him out Friday for a Tuesday date (for which he is working that night).

[oregon0011]

Actually the night before he left was one of the best dates yet, we rented a car and drove to a theme park. It made me realize that night just how much I wanted him in my life. I know it sounds like a case of the want what you can't haves, but I truly believe all of it was timing and circumstances. I just am starting to really think it won't matter what I do.

 

Ive also decided I can't keep reaching out to him and asking to make plans, I think I need something back from him now, otherwise he's just playing me a fool.

 

Well, as I said I have been through this recently...

 

And the night before I took a 3 day trip we had an amazing night too.., She thought I would go out of town and meet someone I am guessing..

 

But here is the problem.. When you flaked on him a few times, it probably hurt him.. Makes him feel insecure... And now that he is gone, NOW you want him...

 

He might come around if you persist, then drop off, play some games etc..

 

But it is hard for a guy to be on this roller coaster... Emotionally invested, then denied... It takes time to get over.. So sometimes you don't want that pain again, as soon as you get over it..

 

But what you did was pretty bad.. Jump back on dating sites immediately after an argument..

Edited December 7, 2015 by oregon0011

[paloma22]

Well, as I said I have been through this recently...

 

And the night before I took a 3 day trip we had an amazing night too.., She thought I would go out of town and meet someone I am guessing..

 

But here is the problem.. When you flaked on him a few times, it probably hurt him.. Makes him feel insecure... And now that he is gone, NOW you want him...

 

He might come around if you persist, then drop off, play some games etc..

 

But it is hard for a guy to be on this roller coaster... Emotionally invested, then denied... It takes time to get over.. So sometimes you don't want that pain again, as soon as you get over it..

 

But what you did was pretty bad.. Jump back on dating sites immediately after an argument..

 

Well, I was never off the dating sites but to be fair we had never had a conversation about dating exclusively so I don't see why that is such a big deal?

I just think he hasn't been in a relationship in a while and his last one ended bc the girl wouldn't say I love you and they were doing long distance. I just always assume unless you've 'had the talk', dating others is fair game.

 

And yes, his ego was definitely hurt I'm sure. So do you think I let him come to me now? and if he doesn't, I know? Or do I have to keep trying to make plans? I just don't know if I can handle this uncertainty and myself being in this state of limbo for much longer I just want him back in my life, and I want to show him how I can be a really kind thoughtful girlfriend and reciprocate what he showed me.

[oregon0011]

Well, I was never off the dating sites but to be fair we had never had a conversation about dating exclusively so I don't see why that is such a big deal?

I just think he hasn't been in a relationship in a while and his last one ended bc the girl wouldn't say I love you and they were doing long distance. I just always assume unless you've 'had the talk', dating others is fair game.

 

And yes, his ego was definitely hurt I'm sure. So do you think I let him come to me now? and if he doesn't, I know? Or do I have to keep trying to make plans? I just don't know if I can handle this uncertainty and myself being in this state of limbo for much longer I just want to date him again, and want him in my life.

 

Well he thought you WERE exclusive for some reason... You have to have a talk about it? Did you ever mention seeing others while seeing him? A talk seems kind of needy/insecire/forced..

 

Its tough. You created this dynamic where he learned when he comes to you, you run.. And when you can't have him, you want him.. So he may drag this out for a bit to test you..

 

As soon as I was over the girl i was seeing, i ignored her for a few days.. Then she was texting me she misses me, will change, is sorry for flaking etc... A week later it was basically the same again... So next time, for my own sanity, I really need to be gone...

[paloma22]

Well he thought you WERE exclusive for some reason... You have to have a talk about it? Did you ever mention seeing others while seeing him? A talk seems kind of needy/insecire/forced..

 

Its tough. You created this dynamic where he learned when he comes to you, you run.. And when you can't have him, you want him.. So he may drag this out for a bit to test you..

 

As soon as I was over the girl i was seeing, i ignored her for a few days.. Then she was texting me she misses me, will change, is sorry for flaking etc... A week later it was basically the same again... So next time, for my own sanity, I really need to be gone...

 

Maybe you're right but in my fairly jaded experiences dating (especially online), unless you discuss things, its fair game. I also assumed he was still dating others too.

 

So say he does drag this out, how do I play it? Do I give him space/let him come to me or is it up to me to keep initiating contact? Part of me wants to invite him over for dinner or something, but I feel like Im getting too desperate.

and I get that second chances shouldn't always be given but I really think the rationale I gave was genuine. I hope he can see this.

[oregon0011]

Maybe you're right but in my fairly jaded experiences dating (especially online), unless you discuss things, its fair game. I also assumed he was still dating others too.

 

So say he does drag this out, how do I play it? Do I give him space/let him come to me or is it up to me to keep initiating contact? Part of me wants to invite him over for dinner or something, but I feel like Im getting too desperate.

and I get that second chances shouldn't always be given but I really think the rationale I gave was genuine. I hope he can see this.

 

Well, in my case, I took many steps back.. I don't even want to make plans with her, because she flaked..

 

he is probably already thinking you are "out there", so chasing won't harm anything... And I am sure you could probably get him again..

[katiegrl]

I think what's happened here is that he's lost *trust*. Trust that you will be honest, be genuine, be sincere.

 

He no longer trusts you ... so unfortunately it's not gonna matter what you say or do, once a man loses trust it's impossible to get it back....they basically shut down and turn OFF.

 

I would not invite him over for dinner ..... he may accept hoping for a booty call, as he did last time....

 

You have opened up, told him how you feel, he is not responding, let it go.

 

I am sorry....but there is nothing you can do IMO ....he no longer trusts you.

Edited December 7, 2015 by katiegrl

[phineas]

Yep.

It's a trust issue.

Once i know a woman purposefully led me on I don't care how awesome I thought she was its like a switch is thrown.

[insert_name]

This thread makes me sad as it sums up my experiences with online dating. Girls who either don't know what they want (or do but just haven't found it) playing the 'who can care least' game and stringing me along.

 

You have to reap what you sow OP. Perhaps its for the best that you start again on a level playing field with someone where no games have been played. The waters have been too muddied here.

[ManyDissapoint]

 

That night (Wednesday) he booty called me, and invited me over to 'make out and cuddle'. I politely declined...

 

This stuck out to me. You went to him proclaiming that you have everything sorted out, and yet you reject his invitation for intimacy. The guy wants to be with a woman who can't resist him, especially at the crescendo of your 'reconciliation', you should have been all over that. Work in the morning be damned.

 

It was a bit of a test perhaps and I don't think you did so well. He wanted to know if you were nuts about him and would not be blowing hot / cold. Even an immediate reschedule is not really satisfying enough in this case.

[oregon0011]

This stuck out to me. You went to him proclaiming that you have everything sorted out, and yet you reject his invitation for intimacy. The guy wants to be with a woman who can't resist him, especially at the crescendo of your 'reconciliation', you should have been all over that. Work in the morning be damned.

 

It was a bit of a test perhaps and I don't think you did so well. He wanted to know if you were nuts about him and would not be blowing hot / cold. Even an immediate reschedule is not really satisfying enough in this case.

 

it is almost like someone with BPD... I am seeing a girl like this now..

 

"Go away, then frantically want them back."

 

And good point... After she missed him, and all this thinking was involved, and she accomplished what she wanted (Him wanting to see her), she denied him AGAIN..

[oberkeat]

Is this just a case of want what you can't have syndrome.

 

This is a great observation. The only times OP ever seems interested in this guy is when he isn't available. It is as if she were attracted to his unavailability rather than him as a person. That is not the behavior of a mature person who wants a real relationship.

 

OP, I wouldn't blame him for wanting nothing more to do with you, because you played too many games. Men do not like flakey behavior. You have been so wishy washy, so hot and cold. That put a lot of stress on the dude, and as others have mentioned, experienced guys know that chasing a woman who is lukewarm about them just isn't worth it. That is worse than being single. They know that the right woman is someone who likes them at least as much as they like the woman. We want a woman that is 100 percent into us and shows that with consistent behavior. If you actually did like this guy,which I doubt, then you did a terrible job of showing it.

 

There has been so much good advice in this thread, so I hope you will take it to heart and learn from it. Us guys want a woman who is reliable and consistent, no games.

Edited December 7, 2015 by oberkeat

[paloma22]

This stuck out to me. You went to him proclaiming that you have everything sorted out, and yet you reject his invitation for intimacy. The guy wants to be with a woman who can't resist him, especially at the crescendo of your 'reconciliation', you should have been all over that. Work in the morning be damned.

 

It was a bit of a test perhaps and I don't think you did so well. He wanted to know if you were nuts about him and would not be blowing hot / cold. Even an immediate reschedule is not really satisfying enough in this case.

 

This is an interesting point, i didn't really think of it this way. But to be fair, he wasn't working the next day and I was up at 630 am. He texted me at 1130 at night to come over! Don't you think a man (even despite the attempts at reconciliation) would respect a woman who respects their own schedule and not willing to sacrifice that? I agree it may have been a test, but if he's going to expect me to sacrifice my work day i.e. just to be at his beck and call (I work in a high stress environment), than Im not sure if thats someone I want to be with anyway?

 

I actually think he's being quite inconsiderate now that he's 1) asked to 'think about it' and 2) booty called me the night I opened up to him after he ghosted me for a month.

 

Also, not to get too nit picky but all he could have said was "I would really like to see you" rather than "feel free to come distract me with cuddling/ make outs"

 

Does anyone agree with me here? I mean, there is reasonable and then there is unrealistic?

Edited December 7, 2015 by paloma22

[Michelle ma Belle]

Wait, am I missing something here.

 

"Fast forward to October and we were still casually dating, but had never brought up exclusivity. At one point we got into an argument and within the next day we both saw each other online again. After confronting him, he was surprised I was back on the sites so soon and it seemed he thought we were in an exclusive relationship prior to this."

 

This makes it sound like you had an argument and you BOTH got back online only to see the other active recently. Am I understanding this right?

[Buddhist]

I am so sad to even think about this but is it too late? Should I just give up and learn from my mistake? How do I really know where he stands (or is it clear as day and I'm just not seeing it)…

 

Yes please learn from that mistake. Men will not hang around forever and since you did indeed waste his best effort I don't blame him for wanting to stick the knife in now. It's this kind of **** that makes people bitter about the opposite sex. You were basically happy to accept the shower of attention he gave you while keeping him at arms length. Yeah that's hurtful.

[phineas]

Yes please learn from that mistake. Men will not hang around forever and since you did indeed waste his best effort I don't blame him for wanting to stick the knife in now. It's this kind of **** that makes people bitter about the opposite sex. You were basically happy to accept the shower of attention he gave you while keeping him at arms length. Yeah that's hurtful.

 

Exactly.

I had a few women I thought were friends decide they wanted to date when another woman showed interest.

Then they just strung me along.

 

I was quite bitter after that because those women left me feeling like a Class A chump.

[paloma22]

Yes please learn from that mistake. Men will not hang around forever and since you did indeed waste his best effort I don't blame him for wanting to stick the knife in now. It's this kind of **** that makes people bitter about the opposite sex. You were basically happy to accept the shower of attention he gave you while keeping him at arms length. Yeah that's hurtful.

 

Ok so in saying this, can I do anything to change his mind? I am concerned he will continue to resent me and never move past this. Ive been in a similar situation after being cheated on and giving someone a second chance. I always resented them. Again, its my own fault for using him as an outlet for the heartbreak of my last relationship, but now that I have acknowledged this I really want to try. At the same time, Im hurt by his actions after trying to be genuine, honest and sincere. My heart says keep trying but my head says have some self respect, and try to see where he's coming from too. I should also mention we are both in our late twenties, but I have had a lot of really bad experiences with past relationships (i.e. last boyfriend broke up with me totally out of the blue and told me he wasn't ever close to loving me), hence my jaded attitude…I know thats my own stuff to sort out, but it did obviously have an unfortunate impact on how the beginning of this new relationship progressed. I recognize this and desperately wish I could fix it.

Edited December 8, 2015 by paloma22