Does pulling back really work?

[yna]

I've been dating this man for about 9 months. We are both in our early 30s.

 

For the past month or so he has been hot and cold, the cold part being distant, to the point where I am always the one initiating contact. He responds right away for the most part, but it is taking him longer and longer to respond to texts and return my calls. Like hours or even not until that evening.

 

I haven't even heard from him at all the past couple days, except for a quick "Merry Christmas" text yesterday morning (he texted first). Getting to the point where I wonder if he'd even contact me today if I don't text or call him first, which has been my feeling lately. It is baffling and hurting me because we used to talk all the time from good morning to good night, but now it's like he can't even be bothered with a text that takes 3 seconds to send.

 

I want to say it is because he is busy at work and the holidays, but I think it was because we had "the talk."

 

Back in September, 6-month mark, it began to bother me that we still weren't official. We weren't seeing other people, but it worried me that our relationship wasn't going anywhere.

 

He basically said he does want a relationship with me, but he is not ready because there are some things he needs to take care of first before he can fully commit himself, his time, etc. to me. He then asked me to give him time to do that because he didn't want to lose me. I know about what's happening in his life, so I understood and said yes I'll give him time but I won't wait around. From the start I made it clear that I am looking for a relationship and he said he wanted the same thing with me. Told him not to waste my time if we weren't headed towards something serious. He reassured me he wasn't wasting my time. Anyway, things went on as normal.

 

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I broached the topic again and he said I was pushing him away by wanting him to move faster than he was ready to. We got into a big discussion over it.

 

He then said maybe we should just be friends because he didn't want to keep fighting and hurting me and that our relationship was stressing him out. I was so upset I didn't talk to him for a few days. He apologized profusely and we decided to work things out.

 

But since then our dynamic has totally changed. Like I said I'm always the one initiating contact, and he's not as sweet and affectionate as he used to be. I have talked to him about it, he said it is not me and that there is nothing wrong.

 

So I mean I have no idea what is going on in his mind and I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep on chasing. I'm starting to feel like an idiot. It has really put a damper on my holidays to be honest.

 

My plan is to just pull back completely and see what happens. Go no contact... just to regain my own sanity and happiness again. Should I even tell him and do a clean break? I don't really plan to.

 

What would you do in my situation and why?

[newmoon]

he told you he wasn't ready. he told you he wanted to be friends. read between the lines. you aren't the one. he isn't super-interested in taking it farther/escalating it. he's keeping you in a more comfortable place for him - less contact/initiating from him = less emotional investment in you. he's possibly already looking for something better in his time spent apart from you. so, accept what it is, something more casual like he wants, or you move on. telling him you want a break might be your way of hoping he'll come around or talk you out of it, which he may or may not actually mean. i'd probably just cut my losses and walk - any guy who says he wants friendship and isn't ready.. likely means he doesn't want me. so why stick around. imo:)

[Zippy2000]

From a man`s point of view here.

 

If I said I want a relationship with you but not ready. It means I m not man enough to tell you I dont want to be with you.

 

I would pull back and be a bit of a mystery for a while. Real men who want you will come and look for you and pursue you.

 

The ones who dont are luke warm in interest in you and you can probably do better.

 

As being a man. If I have a girl who keeps on initiating texts and bombarding me with texts. It puts me off. It depends how often these texts are or phone calls. It puts me off even further when the girl them sends or calls again asking if I had recieved her previous messages.

 

Sometimes as being a man we like to be left alone for a bit. Let him come to you for a change. Live your life and keep busy so he knows you have a life too. Theres nothing more unattractive than having a "mother figure" check up on him. We`re men not little boys.

[Space Ritual]

I've been dating this man for about 9 months. We are both in our early 30s.

 

For the past month or so he has been hot and cold, the cold part being distant, to the point where I am always the one initiating contact. He responds right away for the most part, but it is taking him longer and longer to respond to texts and return my calls. Like hours or even not until that evening.

 

I haven't even heard from him at all the past couple days, except for a quick "Merry Christmas" text yesterday morning (he texted first). Getting to the point where I wonder if he'd even contact me today if I don't text or call him first, which has been my feeling lately. It is baffling and hurting me because we used to talk all the time from good morning to good night, but now it's like he can't even be bothered with a text that takes 3 seconds to send.

 

I want to say it is because he is busy at work and the holidays, but I think it was because we had "the talk."

 

Back in September, 6-month mark, it began to bother me that we still weren't official. We weren't seeing other people, but it worried me that our relationship wasn't going anywhere.

 

He basically said he does want a relationship with me, but he is not ready because there are some things he needs to take care of first before he can fully commit himself, his time, etc. to me. He then asked me to give him time to do that because he didn't want to lose me. I know about what's happening in his life, so I understood and said yes I'll give him time but I won't wait around. From the start I made it clear that I am looking for a relationship and he said he wanted the same thing with me. Told him not to waste my time if we weren't headed towards something serious. He reassured me he wasn't wasting my time. Anyway, things went on as normal.

 

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I broached the topic again and he said I was pushing him away by wanting him to move faster than he was ready to. We got into a big discussion over it.

 

He then said maybe we should just be friends because he didn't want to keep fighting and hurting me and that our relationship was stressing him out. I was so upset I didn't talk to him for a few days. He apologized profusely and we decided to work things out.

 

But since then our dynamic has totally changed. Like I said I'm always the one initiating contact, and he's not as sweet and affectionate as he used to be. I have talked to him about it, he said it is not me and that there is nothing wrong.

 

So I mean I have no idea what is going on in his mind and I really don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to keep on chasing. I'm starting to feel like an idiot. It has really put a damper on my holidays to be honest.

 

My plan is to just pull back completely and see what happens. Go no contact... just to regain my own sanity and happiness again. Should I even tell him and do a clean break? I don't really plan to.

 

What would you do in my situation and why?

 

I'm very sorry you find yourself here.

 

He is stalling and putting you on the back burner quite frankly. When some guy tells you that he wants to just be friends after putting on the milquetoast act he is either a wussy that cannot be honest with you or he is messing about with somebody else and trying to keep you on the hook long enough to find out whether or not the other girl is going to work out. Probably a combination of both.

 

I think a dramatic confrontation at Thanksgiving and now a Missing In Action performance at Christmas time would lead me to believe that regardless of what he is doing, you are simply plan B.

 

Life is far too short to waste your time waiting for somebody that is giving you every indication that you just are not very important to him.

 

So my advice would be to go dark on him and stay no contact. Delete him from your life. even if he just felt that you were not the one, he is not honest enough to tell you. and that also means he will never be honest enough to trust in a relationship.

 

I'm very very sorry. You deserve much better treatment than this, and you should not waste one more ounce of energy trying to figure out why. What he is doing to you is disrespectful in the extreme. Let him figure out for himself why you dropped off the face of the earth.

[basil67]

The timeline you've given would not scare off a guy who's keen. This guy was stringing you along.

 

Call him and tell him some rubbish line like "it's not you, it's me" and move on.

[yna]

From a man`s point of view here.

 

If I said I want a relationship with you but not ready. It means I m not man enough to tell you I dont want to be with you.

 

I would pull back and be a bit of a mystery for a while. Real men who want you will come and look for you and pursue you.

 

The ones who dont are luke warm in interest in you and you can probably do better.

 

As being a man. If I have a girl who keeps on initiating texts and bombarding me with texts. It puts me off. It depends how often these texts are or phone calls. It puts me off even further when the girl them sends or calls again asking if I had recieved her previous messages.

 

Sometimes as being a man we like to be left alone for a bit. Let him come to you for a change. Live your life and keep busy so he knows you have a life too. Theres nothing more unattractive than having a "mother figure" check up on him. We`re men not little boys.

 

See this is what I have always believed. The thing is, when I don't initiate texts, he will text me asking what is wrong and if I am mad at him. From a man's point of view, why even do that?

 

I don't bombard him with texts either. Just a hello, how was your day, etc. or to confirm plans, things like that. No, I definitely don't ask if he received my last message. Now I assume he'll reply in a few hours or the next day.

 

Not that any of this matters now. I do plan on pulling back. I didn't contact him at all today and I have to say I'm pretty darn proud of myself for it.

[yna]

I'm very sorry you find yourself here.

 

He is stalling and putting you on the back burner quite frankly. When some guy tells you that he wants to just be friends after putting on the milquetoast act he is either a wussy that cannot be honest with you or he is messing about with somebody else and trying to keep you on the hook long enough to find out whether or not the other girl is going to work out. Probably a combination of both.

 

I think a dramatic confrontation at Thanksgiving and now a Missing In Action performance at Christmas time would lead me to believe that regardless of what he is doing, you are simply plan B.

 

Life is far too short to waste your time waiting for somebody that is giving you every indication that you just are not very important to him.

 

So my advice would be to go dark on him and stay no contact. Delete him from your life. even if he just felt that you were not the one, he is not honest enough to tell you. and that also means he will never be honest enough to trust in a relationship.

 

I'm very very sorry. You deserve much better treatment than this, and you should not waste one more ounce of energy trying to figure out why. What he is doing to you is disrespectful in the extreme. Let him figure out for himself why you dropped off the face of the earth.

 

Thank you, those words mean a lot. I am very sad about how everything has turned out and I appreciate your concern.

 

I agree with everything you said and that is what I have believed about men and relationships. My question is, does all of this apply to single dads? I really thought I mentioned that in my post, but my big mistake that I didn't.

 

He has two daughters, 5 and 8 years of age. He says the reason why he can't fully commit and needs more time is because he wants to prepare them for this massive change in his/their life.

 

Really sorry, I thought I included this major detail in my post.

 

I am also concerned that if I pull away completely now and essentially leave him, he will think that I am the type of woman who will just up and leave when I don't get what I want, which is certainly not the kind of woman you want to introduce to your children. I know this is a major concern of his as well.

 

Thank you again.

Edited December 27, 2015 by yna

[Space Ritual]

This muddies the waters even further.

 

Is he a co parent with the children's mother?

 

Who has custody?

 

Most importantly...Have you met his children?

If you have not and this much time has already transpired that would be a huge concern. I understand that he may want to prepare them for a transition of sorts but if you have still not even met them after nine months then my advice still stands. If the mother is in the picture at all then I would say if both of my last 2 questions can be answered with a yes he is stringing you along because he can't make up his mind and may have thoughts of reconciling with the mother. If that is indeed the case you are fighting a losing battle.

 

You said to another poster that if you don't answer his texts right away he asks you if you are mad?

 

Not an attractive quality in a man. Screams Passive Aggressive Beta Male

 

He is looking for a mother and not a relationship. Not to the kids, but to him. If you are prepared for a lot of mothering of an adult man then continue at your own peril.

 

I still think you would best be served moving on. Life is too short to be waiting on somebody to crap or get off the pot.

[4blossoms]

He basically said he does want a relationship with me, but he is not ready because there are some things he needs to take care of first before he can fully commit himself, his time, etc. to me. He then asked me to give him time to do that because he didn't want to lose me.

 

The solution to this is very simple. Tell him you can't keep waiting around forever since you want a meaningful relationship. Your biological clock is ticking. Generally, men won't step up if they don't think they will lose you. So, you're going to have to show him that if he won't step up and make a commitment, he will lose you. Tell him now; don't waste another minute of your precious time. If he does not make a commitment, then he does not really like you that much and is just waiting for someone better to come along. If he does step up, then he is scared of losing you and you will get the relationship you want.

 

Actions speak much louder than words!

Edited December 27, 2015 by 4blossoms

[yna]

This muddies the waters even further.

 

Is he a co parent with the children's mother?

 

Who has custody?

 

Most importantly...Have you met his children?

If you have not and this much time has already transpired that would be a huge concern. I understand that he may want to prepare them for a transition of sorts but if you have still not even met them after nine months then my advice still stands. If the mother is in the picture at all then I would say if both of my last 2 questions can be answered with a yes he is stringing you along because he can't make up his mind and may have thoughts of reconciling with the mother. If that is indeed the case you are fighting a losing battle.

 

You said to another poster that if you don't answer his texts right away he asks you if you are mad?

 

Not an attractive quality in a man. Screams Passive Aggressive Beta Male

 

He is looking for a mother and not a relationship. Not to the kids, but to him. If you are prepared for a lot of mothering of an adult man then continue at your own peril.

 

I still think you would best be served moving on. Life is too short to be waiting on somebody to crap or get off the pot.

 

He has sole custody, but yes the mother is involved. To my knowledge he has absolutely no plans of reconciling, but who knows really.

 

No I have not met his children. Our window for meeting the kids is after 9 months, preferably after a year. This is my first time dating a single dad, so I talked to him and a lot of single/divorced parents I know just to get an idea about the right time to meet and the majority said a year at the earliest (some said 3-6 months, but that seems a little soon to me). I'm comfortable with that... so long as I know our relationship is actually going somewhere.

 

About texting, no he doesn't get like that when I don't reply to his texts right away. What I meant is, since he hasn't been initiating contact, I get tired of being the one to do so all the time. But when I don't initiate, he eventually does later that afternoon or at night and that is when he asks if I am mad at him or if something is wrong because he has not heard from me.

[yna]

The solution to this is very simple. Tell him you can't keep waiting around forever since you want a meaningful relationship. Your biological clock is ticking. Generally, men won't step up if they don't think they will lose you. So, you're going to have to show him that if he won't step up and make a commitment, he will lose you. Tell him now; don't waste another minute of your precious time. If he does not make a commitment, then he does not really like you that much and is just waiting for someone better to come along. If he does step up, then he is scared of losing you and you will get the relationship you want.

 

Actions speak much louder than words!

 

Thanks, this is essentially what I told him when he asked me to give him time. Looks like he didn't take me very seriously. Actions do speak much louder than words! Which is why I now want to go no contact to show him that I am not playing his games and that he can't keep treating me like an option and expect me to stay.

[4blossoms]

Thanks, this is essentially what I told him when he asked me to give him time. Looks like he didn't take me very seriously. Actions do speak much louder than words! Which is why I now want to go no contact to show him that I am not playing his games and that he can't keep treating me like an option and expect me to stay.

 

Good! Let me tell you, showing someone that you are willing to walk out on them is much more effective than telling them. Because if you only talked, then you're just all bark and no bite!

 

Btw, my cousin got married this way. She told her boyfriend of 5 years that she wants him to make a lasting commitment to her (marriage). He was unwilling to do this, so she left him and immediately started dating another man. After a few weeks he broke down--he was scared of losing her--and proposed You might want to incorporate this strategy in your dating process. Dump him and immediately date another man (make sure he knows it). This will help him figure out his true feelings for you immediately.

 

Good luck!

 

Oh, would you mind telling me what you think about this? (my thread) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/561929-do-you-think-he-knows-i-like-him-2.html

Edited December 27, 2015 by 4blossoms