Identifying insecurities/anxieties and how to overcome them

[idk0913]

I'm looking for advice when it comes to handling/overcoming anxiety and insecurities as it pertains to dating/relationships.

 

I've posted a couple of other threads regarding a girl I've been currently seeing for a few weeks now. To summarize, things are going well but she recently wanted to slow things down.

 

I'm not going to get into too much more than that on here, but the "space" we've had throughout dating has really allowed me to reflect on myself, myself in relationships and how I handle certain things.

 

Granted, I was single for a solid 6 months before we started seeing each other, but I feel like these are the kinds of things that can be difficult to really recognize unless you're actually in the moment.

 

And what I've come to realize is I have several insecurities/anxieties when it comes to dating. Some are undoubtedly from negative past experiences, while some are just part of my natural personality and probably arise in other areas of my life as well.

 

I'll start with the deeper rooted issue(s) - for whatever reason, I have always severely lacked confidence when it comes to approaching the opposite sex. I've always been a shy person in general, so I'm sure that has something to do with it.

 

I was a late-bloomer compared to most of my friends/peers, not having my first girlfriend until I was a senior in high school. And the only reason I dated her was because I was desperate for a relationship and it was obvious that she was into me. So I said why not.

 

This was actually the same for my other two relationships as well.

 

To this day, I still lack confidence, particularly when it comes to approaching women for the first time. And I'm really not saying this as a humble brag or anything like that, but my close friends always say how frustrating it is for them to watch me because they say I can always do better than the girls I date when it comes to their attractiveness. Girls have told me this as well.

 

However, I put a lot of stock into personality and I tend to look for the complete package when I'm dating. Looks are obviously important, but I do have a tendency to settle for girls who I may not be totally attracted to.

 

I believe part of the reason for this may be the fact that I'm intimidated to approach a lot of girls I'm very attracted to, so I never even give them a shot. I think there's no way they'd ever be into me. And then I never even get to know if they have a good personality/if I'm attracted to them on a deeper level or not.

 

Obviously, feeling this way and lacking this confidence also transfers over into my actual relationships, particularly when I actually am really attracted to someone. I fear that they aren't that into me and that I may lose them at any moment.

 

Next, I definitely have some anxiety stemming from a terrible relationship a few years ago, as well as some issues from my two long relationships.

 

In terms of the bad relationship, she was emotionally abusive, manipulative and really just messed with my head. Space is one thing, but I was never allowed to hang out with her and her friends. She was always pulling away from me and then coming back in and she hated it when I expressed my feelings or when we started to get close. Turns out she ended up cheating on me.

 

But I know this experience now makes me overthinking a lot, especially in the courting process. I always think I'm smothering someone even when I'm not and I'm constantly worried that I'm going to come off as clingy or needy. And in turn, it ends up doing just that and I mess everything up.

 

Now, my two long relationships were the exact opposite. Both of them worshipped the ground I walked on and were extremely clingy. On top of that, we spent just about every day together - definitely too much time to be honest. We didn't have our own lives and I think that ended up hurting our relationships in the long run. And whenever we weren't together, we were texting 24/7.

 

And these have negatively affected me as well, because I don't know what to do when a girl isn't clingy/always texting me. I start to assume that she isn't interested, even though that's not the case. I used to stupidly crave a title that could be proclaimed on Facebook for security, but I have thankfully gotten past that.

 

However, this girl I'm dating now, for example, is not the needy and clingy type. She has her own life, her own friends and has a lot going for her right now. But when we are together, she's great and makes it very clear that she's into me. She also initiates conversations via text every day, but because it's not 24/7 and she's not always asking me to hangout, my insecurities start to creep up and I start thinking that she's not that into me.

 

And when you combine it with the fact that this is the first time I'm really going after a girl I'm attracted to, and not just settling for someone who's into me, and my anxiety can be pretty bad at times.

 

It's frustrating, and I feel like I have made progress but I'd love to hear any input or advice for dealing with this kind of stuff. I realize this was more a venting session than anything else, but I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who experience the same issues and have overcome them as well. If you have, feel free to lay down the cold hard facts.

 

Thanks!

[abby_tx]

you are the man version of me.

[katiegrl]

you are the man version of me.

 

Yeah, the roles are changing.

 

Men are becoming traditionally what women used to be (needy, dependant)...

 

... and women are becoming what men used to be (independent, self-sufficient).

 

It's throwing everything off!!

 

Still a few stragglers on both sides though.

 

OP, who were your roles models growing up?

 

Did you grow up with an absent father? Is he still in your life?

 

What did you learn from him, if anything?

 

Just curious, as this role reversal is quite baffling to me.

 

Good luck though.

Edited January 30, 2016 by katiegrl

[idk0913]

Yeah, the roles are changing.

 

Men are becoming traditionally what women used to be (needy, dependant)...

 

... and women are becoming what men used to be (independent, self-sufficient).

 

It's throwing everything off!!

 

Still a few stragglers on both sides though.

 

OP, who were your roles models growing up?

 

Did you grow up with an absent father? Is he still in your life?

 

What did you learn from him, if anything?

 

Just curious, as this role reversal is quite baffling to me.

 

Good luck though.

 

You bring up a great point with "roles changing". I often get embarrassed or ashamed for feeling like this because I feel like "I'm acting like a girl" or that there's something wrong with me.

 

My biggest role model growing up was truly my mom. I worshipped the ground she walked on because she was a single mom and busted her ass for my brother and I every day.

 

That brings me to my father. My parents got divorced when I was 7, but he has been in my life very consistently. We went to his house every Wednesday and every other weekend.

 

However, I can say the divorce has definitely affected me. First off, it has left me terrified of getting divorced myself one day. Secondly, it has left me craving a real, stable family of my own one day. And that has to affect me in relationships, I would think.

 

I love my dad, but he did leave my mom for his current wife. On top of that, he always struggled financially and often failed to pay my mom child support. I guess that could affect how I've grown and who I've become, but I'm not sure how.

[katiegrl]

You bring up a great point with "roles changing". I often get embarrassed or ashamed for feeling like this because I feel like "I'm acting like a girl" or that there's something wrong with me.

 

My biggest role model growing up was truly my mom. I worshipped the ground she walked on because she was a single mom and busted her ass for my brother and I every day.

 

That brings me to my father. My parents got divorced when I was 7, but he has been in my life very consistently. We went to his house every Wednesday and every other weekend.

 

However, I can say the divorce has definitely affected me. First off, it has left me terrified of getting divorced myself one day. Secondly, it has left me craving a real, stable family of my own one day. And that has to affect me in relationships, I would think.

 

I love my dad, but he did leave my mom for his current wife. On top of that, he always struggled financially and often failed to pay my mom child support. I guess that could affect how I've grown and who I've become, but I'm not sure how.

 

Thank you for your honesty ...and wow I am so sorry!

 

Have you ever sought therapy to help you overcome struggles?

 

I have, and am ....and it's helped me tremendously!

[idk0913]

Thank you for your honesty ...and wow I am so sorry!

 

Have you ever sought therapy to help you overcome struggles?

 

I have, and am ....and it's helped me tremendously!

 

I have considered it, I just always put it off. I guess it's probably my best move at this point.

[newheart]

I always think I'm smothering someone even when I'm not and I'm constantly worried that I'm going to come off as clingy or needy. And in turn, it ends up doing just that and I mess everything up.

 

Now, my two long relationships were the exact opposite. Both of them worshipped the ground I walked on and were extremely clingy. On top of that, we spent just about every day together - definitely too much time to be honest. We didn't have our own lives and I think that ended up hurting our relationships in the long run. And whenever we weren't together, we were texting 24/7.

 

And these have negatively affected me as well, because I don't know what to do when a girl isn't clingy/always texting me. I start to assume that she isn't interested, even though that's not the case. I used to stupidly crave a title that could be proclaimed on Facebook for security, but I have thankfully gotten past that.

 

However, this girl I'm dating now, for example, is not the needy and clingy type. She has her own life, her own friends and has a lot going for her right now. But when we are together, she's great and makes it very clear that she's into me. She also initiates conversations via text every day, but because it's not 24/7 and she's not always asking me to hangout, my insecurities start to creep up and I start thinking that she's not that into me.

 

And when you combine it with the fact that this is the first time I'm really going after a girl I'm attracted to, and not just settling for someone who's into me, and my anxiety can be pretty bad at times.

 

This is me, me, me!

 

You would probably benefit from some therapy as well (I know I have!) but will share my experience and what I have learned. My past relationships, I intentionally (though subconsciously) selected partners who I had the upper hand with, whom I wasn't fully attracted to for one reason or another, but I always forced it to work. I was more detached in the relationship, and they were clingy needing reassurance.

 

It has been an eye opening and exhaustively anxious experience to finally put myself out there with someone who I am head over heels for, now. Allowing myself to be open to this has been difficult, though, and I am constantly (and I mean constantly!) analyzing our communication and relationship. Part of this is because I did not have any 'relationship role models' growing up and I did not have an attachment to a loving, stable parent, so I have all sorts of attachment issues I am working through. I honestly have no clue of what "normal" is, and therapy has been good (but hard!) in helping me understand and accept this.

 

My therapist has given me 'tools' which honestly, are difficult to implement when you are experiencing relationship anxiety, but I am trying. For example, journalling, putting your "worries on ice" (writing them down and literally tucking them away, into a freezer if need be), setting aside a time to "worry" and practicing pushing these things out of your head.

 

As much as I don't want to consider my current relationship not working out, it also helps to think of this as a learning experience, and that everything happens for a reason.

 

This is a long post just to say - I am going through the same thing right now, with finally being in a relationship with someone I am attracted to and feel an amazing connection with, so I feel for you!

[VeveCakes]

I think a lot of these feelings are normal when you are really into someone. Sometimes it's hard to believe someone you are crazy about is crazy about you too - it almost seems to good to be true. It sounds like it is true though, so you will have to try and put the phone and worries aside and keep yourself busy. Being distant seems to help keep attraction in the early days anyways.

[preraph]

Actually, I see your situation as hopeful. You have fear, but you make yourself reach out anyway, even though it's uncomfortable. You aren't approaching some of the women you're most attracted to because of your fear of rejection, so this assures you are not trying to date out of your league, which is what keeps so many anxious guys from dating at all. So you may be anxious, but you are also determined and brave, and I think if you just keep expecting more of yourself and keep challenging yourself, that one day this practice will make you wake up feeling more capable and confident. You will gain confidence from the small achievements over time.

 

Usually some lack of self-esteem and anxiety about it is caused more by your upbringing than anything. It can be for any number of reasons, from not loving parents to having helicopter parents who rewarded you for everything, because if you know you didn't really earn it, you won't have any confidence in yourself. But doing things for yourself and getting up when you fall down and realizing that is how life is and then going on to accomplish some goals in all areas will give you a sense of self-worth over time.

 

I don't feel you have an overwhelming sense of social anxiety because you seem able to manage though uncomfortably, but if you feel you do, you might invest in some therapy sometime or some workshop that trains you out of fear of being in front of people. I think you'll be okay though. Just always realize rejection isn't a direct reflection on you -- it is more often than not simply a reflection that different people all have different expectations and desires and they can't help what they initially are attracted to and what they're not. So stop taking a simple rejection as anything more than maybe they have specialized tastes. Good luck.

[despgirl]

Just wanted to say that I am a girl and I have the exact same problem I am in therapy for my issues and do have lots of progress compared to a few years earlier.

[idk0913]

All of this feedback and advice has been super helpful! Thank you all so much. It feels good to know I'm not alone.