Tired of making dating mistakes. Have you ever beat yourself up over it?

[giggik]

I am 22 and have only been dating for 4 years because in highschool I was that nerdy/dorky girl. Never had a boyfriend. Within the last year and a half, I've been on one date, which was last week. I don't usually like guys enough to want to date them, but this one was special.

 

I am confident in myself and who I am as a person, my looks and what I have to offer. Yet, I always manage to make dating mistakes. I always try to learn from past blunders and go out of my way to read books on dating to really learn. However, during my last date, I feel that I royally messed up in multiple ways. One was that I inflicted a negative emotion in him due to me being overdramatic about something he had done (I had gotten a little unfiltered from the alcohol), and the second reason was that I was telling too many crude jokes on the first date instead of just showing my humor in doses throughout the dating process. I got a little too comfortable with him and came off too strong with the crude jokes and probably made myself look unrefined, unclassy and not as sexy because of it. Yeah, he laughed and played along, but basically, I looked like a girl, not a woman.

 

Obviously, he hasn't called since. It's been a week after the date and I beat myself up daily. Many people say, "Oh then he wasn't meant for you" or "oh if he really liked you, those mistakes wouldn't matter." Yet, it was only the first date and he didnt know me well enough to like me enough to turn a blind eye to those mistakes.

 

Like I said, I dont meet guys I like enough to date often, so I'm worried that I may not come across another great guy for a long, long time, if I do. I was kind of excited about it all, especially after so many years of unsuccessful dating I know that life is a learning process, yet I can't help but to cuss myself out after making these mistakes because I feel I could have experienced something amazing if only I had not messed up like an idiot. I dwell on it for months or even a year until I find someone new, which is rare.

 

Any one else experience this feeling? The feeling of knowing you could have possibly experienced a great relationship if only you had not messed up? What mentalities can I adopt to feel better about this whole thing? Any stories would help.

Edited February 16, 2016 by giggik

[Toodaloo]

You are 22.

 

Worry about having a good circle of friends and interests. Worry about getting your student debt paid off and savings put by.

 

Quit worrying about blokes.

 

Look, socialise, have fun. The one for you will not worry about this stuff. That bit really is true!

 

Stop stressing. Do you like the person looking back at you when you look in the mirror? If the answer is yes then thats all good. If the answer is no then why not? Change the things that you think would make you into the person you want to be. Thats it. Sod everyone else. Be the person that makes you proud...

 

We stress and worry about finding partners and being in a relationship. There is this massive stigma attached to being single... How many times do people who are married get asked "So why are you married?" yet singles are asked this all the time...

 

Just get on with life. Its all around you.

[basil67]

giggik, your humour is identical to mine at that age. And truly, it never stopped the right guys from liking me. Sure, I wasn't the right girl for a guy who wanted a refined girlfriend - but for guys who have potty humour, I was perfect.

 

Thing is, we could have pretended to be someone we aren't to catch a guy who isn't suited for us. But if we did that, we'd end up with a guy who wasn't right for us anyway and everyone would be miserable.

 

Be yourself. Perhaps, like me, you'll never be 'refined' or 'classy' (though I have gotten less crude as I got older) but it hasn't stopped me from finding partners. And I feel uncomfortable around refined people anyway.

[smudge21]

Hmm, personally speaking, you sound like a great date - I often find myself hitting the crude jokes and quickly having to back off. I think it comes from being relaxed around someone that you feel at ease, as if you're with a close friend. If this guy couldn't see that, then it's his fault.. and his loss.

 

 

But anyway, you're flipping only 22! You don't NEED a date, you WANT one. What you need to do is relax and enjoy life and being young. Trust me, your twenties zip by.

 

 

As for thinking you mess up on dates... yep, we all do that. But you also have to think that maybe you're just being you and it's them who are simply not the right person. Try not to overthink it. I wouldn't want someone to pretend to be something they're not just to impress me and I'm sure someone who really is right for you, wants to be with the real you.

[Buddhist]

OMG! You expressed a negative emotion..... And oh noes made a few jokes. Seriously you need to get over this idea that dating is all about being perfect so the other person likes you. Sooner or later you're going to be yourself, if it's sooner all the better for you. I've been dating 20yrs longer than you have, so here is my imparted wisdom.

 

- Guys who are so finicky as to be scared off at things like a joke or a negative emotion will be scared off by anything. They are basically looking for a reason to bolt because they are only half arsed about their desire to date in the first place. Even if you managed to date this guy a few times and he couldn't find a reason to bolt he would probably go no contact over his own internal freaking out.

 

- Negative emotions are normal, human and it's healthy to express them. I know that doesn't jive with the idea that we need to be happy little campers 100% of the time or people won't like us. But it's the truth. You will drop a negative emotion at some point, it's impossible not to. Give the guy you are dating credit for being able to see you as human. Anyone who nixes you over a minor like this (minor not spending the entire date moaning, mind you), is probably hypersensitive and not in a good space himself. Let him eliminate himself, he'd be a nightmare to deal with.

 

- When you spend your time playing perfect girlfriend you end up in relationships where you aren't valued, respected or cared for. It's the biggest paradox in life. Give up trying to get a guy to commit by pretending to be the best woman in the world. When you stop jumping through hoops to get what you want, what you want naturally comes to you and it tends to appreciate you more.

 

- Your entire post tells me you aren't secure in who you are or comfortable with yourself. If you were you wouldn't spend your time over analysing why one guy didn't call you back. You'd have already forgotten his name and be lining up dates with someone else knowing that you are just fine as you are. It's one thing to look at a longstanding pattern and question it, but another to take a single instance of things not panning out and using it to berate yourself and your abilities. You haven't got a long standing pattern, you've got one date in the past year and a half. That's not an adequate sample size to conclude you're doing it wrong.

 

-Focus less on dating and how to do it and more on basically communicating with other humans in a very general way. Dating is not supposed to be an obstacle course or a game of strategy. It's the natural coming together of two people who are mutually attracted. when mutual attraction exists then pretty much no-one notices what you said, did or looked like. They were too busy battling their hormones to pay attention.

 

Here's some stats from my own dating life....

 

Met bf #1 first year of uni (never even had a date before then), spent 2yrs staring at him from afar. We finally got together in the last week of his attendance at uni. Conclusion - nothing stops two mutually attracted people from getting together, not even a 2yr wait.

 

Met bf #3 over the internet. I visited him 3 months later, he came to my country 6 months later and we started a relationship that lasted 3yrs. Conclusion - nothing stops two mutually attracted people from getting together, not even two different countries, a 10hr flight and immigration policies.

 

Met bf #4 through work. I waited 9 months before approaching him, but we started dating once I did. He announced on the first date he was leaving the country in 6 weeks time. He ended up staying another 12 months and we were together 18 months total. Conclusion - nothing stops two mutually attracted people from getting together, not even immigration, visa issues and plans to do something else.

 

Met bf#5 through work. Waited 6 months to approach him. It all went to ****e in the beginning because we weren't communicating well. We eventually got over it. Conclusion - you know what I'm about to say so I'm not going to bother.

 

Bottom line - anyone who bolts on you just isn't for you. Period. Anyone who is for you won't give up at the first sign of trouble, or inconvenient barrier. They will persist because they are attracted to you. That is everything you need to know about dating.

[Toodaloo]

And I think I have just fallen in love with Buddhist all over again!

 

OP just relax and enjoy.

 

You are human. Ever heard the phrase "to err is human"?

 

We all make mistakes for a variety of reasons.

 

The ONLY mistake you are currently making is not accepting yourself for who you are and being happy with that person.

 

Grated if you are a selfish nitwit or someone who tortures small children, their grandmother and animals or complete slapper you probably need work (actually I always felt being a slapper would be fun so scrap that one!). But your not!

 

So come on give yourself a break

[salparadise]

Thing is, we could have pretended to be someone we aren't to catch a guy who isn't suited for us. But if we did that, we'd end up with a guy who wasn't right for us anyway and everyone would be miserable.

 

No, no, no. The response above is way to close to one of those "meant to be" delusions.

 

Behave yourself on first dates and save the unfiltered version for after you've gotten to know the guy better. Don't drink too much on a first date. This is just normal social behavior 101, nothing extraordinary.

 

Don't beat yourself up, but learn from it. Some mistakes are correctable, but errors in etiquette and social graces are usually not. Learn and move forward, never to repeat the same mistake a second time. Before going out on a first date, visualize the kind of behavior that is appropriate, and go over your list of mistakes you'll never make again.

[Toodaloo]

but errors in etiquette and social graces are usually not. Learn and move forward, never to repeat the same mistake a second time. Before going out on a first date, visualize the kind of behavior that is appropriate, and go over your list of mistakes you'll never make again.

 

Sal to be fair though... different people find different things acceptable and not... and the guy who HATES that she pinched a chip off of his plate is not the same as the guy who LOVES that she did that and thinks its cute...

 

I have dated both types...

 

I have dated guys who hate women swearing and guys who get enormously turned on by it...

 

There really are no hard and fast rules. AS long as you don't do a major whoopie like picking your nose and eating it or challenging his mother to a farting competition the first time you meet her... well... its pretty much a free for all.

 

When it comes down to it if you put on a mask its really hard to maintain it and gets really tiresome and makes you miserable... its also one heck of a shock for the other person when you finally take it off and let them see who you are because believe you me eventually they will. Why not just be yourself from the beginning? At least then they know what they are looking at...

 

To put on a mask is to deceive which is not the point in dating at all.

[Gaeta]

We're doing this all over again? OK then,

 

You worry about about a joke you made BUT you don't worry about a gesture of disrespect he did toward you. Tell me why?

 

He's one man among 100s out there for you. Why get stuck on the one that grabbed your ass in public?

[salparadise]

When it comes down to it if you put on a mask its really hard to maintain it and gets really tiresome and makes you miserable...

[...]

Why not just be yourself from the beginning? At least then they know what they are looking at...

 

To put on a mask is to deceive which is not the point in dating at all.

 

Well, I do see your point and I agree that we should be authentic and not try to disguise who we are... but that's not quite the same thing as letting it all hang out from the first moment we meet someone. That's not how socialization works, at least not for people who are somewhat cultured and expect that in a potential partner. We expose ourselves gradually as we build trust; exposing oneself completely, especially certain aspects, on a first date is the stuff red flags are made of. Boundaries are important and the dance between two people is highly nuanced, at least for those who do have and respect boundaries.

 

My relationship with my girlfriend progressed pretty darn fast (in both of our opinions), but we did observe rules of propriety for several dates, until we started to get to know one another... and the degree of intimacy and self-disclosure is still increasing after six months. This is how it works for most people, not everyone I'll grant you, but I don't think it would be hard to support the argument that too much self-disclosure on a first date is not a good thing.

[joseb]

I like this thread, some great advice and insights.

 

It really us a fine line in those early days between being yourself and holding a little back.

I think I err on the side of revealing too much. Sometimes I get away with it, sometimes it probably scares people off.

[Httm]

Going on one date in a year and a half means you can't be tired of making mistakes. You've only been on one date in years.

 

If you want to find someone to be with, be proactive and do online dating. Waiting around for something to happen to you makes no sense.

 

Also, don't drink if you tend to act differently.

[giggik]

Well, I do see your point and I agree that we should be authentic and not try to disguise who we are... but that's not quite the same thing as letting it all hang out from the first moment we meet someone. That's not how socialization works, at least not for people who are somewhat cultured and expect that in a potential partner. We expose ourselves gradually as we build trust; exposing oneself completely, especially certain aspects, on a first date is the stuff red flags are made of. Boundaries are important and the dance between two people is highly nuanced, at least for those who do have and respect boundaries.

 

My relationship with my girlfriend progressed pretty darn fast (in both of our opinions), but we did observe rules of propriety for several dates, until we started to get to know one another... and the degree of intimacy and self-disclosure is still increasing after six months. This is how it works for most people, not everyone I'll grant you, but I don't think it would be hard to support the argument that too much self-disclosure on a first date is not a good thing.

I totally agree with you. I should have held back a little bit. Like I said, in hid sight, I feel I came off an unclassy and all over the place with my jokes. I feel if I gave it to him in doses, it would have been better and let him discover me.

However, the problem isnt that I doubt my personality or anything--no! It's that I can't seem to shake the feeling of regret and can't stop beating myself up for ruining my chances with someone who could have potentially been right for me.

After this date, I thought to myself, "Oh my god, what if this guy was the one for me? (Not saying he is, but still) What if he was the one for me and I totally blew it????" Is it possible to absolutely obligerate your chances with someone who could have been the one for you or no? That's my main question

[Redhead14]

I totally agree with you. I should have held back a little bit. Like I said, in hid sight, I feel I came off an unclassy and all over the place with my jokes. I feel if I gave it to him in doses, it would have been better and let him discover me.

However, the problem isnt that I doubt my personality or anything--no! It's that I can't seem to shake the feeling of regret and can't stop beating myself up for ruining my chances with someone who could have potentially been right for me.

After this date, I thought to myself, "Oh my god, what if this guy was the one for me? (Not saying he is, but still) What if he was the one for me and I totally blew it????" Is it possible to absolutely obligerate your chances with someone who could have been the one for you or no? That's my main question

 

What if he was the one for me and I totally blew it????" -- GiggiK, if he was the one, you couldn't have blown it . . .

 

Is it possible to absolutely obligerate your chances with someone who could have been the one for you or no? -- Only if you were some kind of mind-reader or had a crystal ball that told you he was the one and knew what he did or didn't like or want or whatever and proceeded to do things that weren't in synch with all that. You don't know what you don't know.

[jen1447]

Tip - to those unfamiliar w/OPs recent past threads, she wants to be flogged, so the 'chin up chook' stuff is gonna fall on deaf ears.

 

giggik, you are a very bad girl!

[Robratory]

Any one else experience this feeling? The feeling of knowing you could have possibly experienced a great relationship if only you had not messed up? What mentalities can I adopt to feel better about this whole thing? Any stories would help.

 

What you have to do is drop the idea that "a great relationship" got away because you "messed up," by which you mean you committed some minor faux pas. I don't know how many people have to tell you that you did nothing wrong with that guy. You drank enough to get tipsy and you told a few (one?) off-color joke.

 

Let's suppose the guy really didn't call you back because of your joke. Do you really believe a guy like that is great relationship material? You want to spend time with someone so rigid and repressed that they would hold it against a girl for retelling -- not even telling! -- a mildly off-color joke? Seriously? How could you believe that?

 

We don't know what happened with the guy. Maybe he actually thought your joke was not edgy enough, and he wound up calling the girl who hinted she'd give him oral sex next time. Who knows? We don't! But what we do know is that he couldn't have been the one for you.

 

You have to stop beating yourself up. It's not you. It's just how it is. The problem is that you're desperate to be in a relationship, so every little reverse seems like a huge deal. Get a lot of balls in the air, so that when one falls to the ground, the show can still go on.

[giggik]

What you have to do is drop the idea that "a great relationship" got away because you "messed up," by which you mean you committed some minor faux pas. I don't know how many people have to tell you that you did nothing wrong with that guy. You drank enough to get tipsy and you told a few (one?) off-color joke.

 

Let's suppose the guy really didn't call you back because of your joke. Do you really believe a guy like that is great relationship material? You want to spend time with someone so rigid and repressed that they would hold it against a girl for retelling -- not even telling! -- a mildly off-color joke? Seriously? How could you believe that?

 

 

Well, I told like three crude jokes over thr course of the date. I do admit that because I lost my filter from drinking, I put too much out there too soon. Yeah, I do want him to like me for me, but I could have given him tastes of my humor in doses throughout the dating process. I feel like he probably saw me as u classy and immature to just lay it all out there on the first date.

I just think maybe God was like, "Here's the awesome guy I have just for you!!" And then I went and blew it, and God's just like "Seriously? You messed up. Greag job, now you'll end up alone. You should have thought about your actions more."

[SwordofFlame]

I've been in your shoes OP. I've had a few too many drinks one time and started telling my date about some of my Tinder experiences and well let's just say I got ghosted afterwards

[giggik]

Tip - to those unfamiliar w/OPs recent past threads, she wants to be flogged, so the 'chin up chook' stuff is gonna fall on deaf ears.

 

giggik, you are a very bad girl!

 

 

Haha noo it's just that I always think to myself, "Well what IF this guy was the one for me and because I made these mindless and thoughtless mistakes, I ruined my chance with the right guy and might end up alone."

[Buddhist]

I just think maybe God was like, "Here's the awesome guy I have just for you!!" And then I went and blew it, and God's just like "Seriously? You messed up. Greag job, now you'll end up alone. You should have thought about your actions more."

 

I'd stop praying to that God if I were you. I know how that religion goes, it never allows you to enjoy life or yourself and spends all day everyday picking you apart and telling you you're not good enough.

 

He wasn't special - he was just there after a year and a half of no-one being there. Being the last chicken in the shop doesn't make him special.

 

He wasn't a great relationship opportunity - he was just there after a year and half of no-one being there.

 

There are no time machines - you cannot go back and undo this. All you can do is get stuck here in this mindset and indeed end up all alone. Or you can move forward which means forgetting about him. Your choice.

[Redhead14]

Tip - to those unfamiliar w/OPs recent past threads, she wants to be flogged, so the 'chin up chook' stuff is gonna fall on deaf ears.

 

giggik, you are a very bad girl!

 

I don't think she wants to be flogged I think she wants someone to be able to give her the magic formula . . .

[Gaeta]

Haha noo it's just that I always think to myself, "Well what IF this guy was the one for me and because I made these mindless and thoughtless mistakes, I ruined my chance with the right guy and might end up alone."

 

You're right. You should contact him, apologize again, tell him you can't forget about him. Tell him you think he's the one for you. You'll never meet anyone like him again and you can't sleep or eat at the thought of never seeing him again. Then after that wait, be patient, give it a few days. If he doesn't reply then a few days later write to him again. Be more insisting. If you repeat that again and and again you will convince him to love you.

 

Good luck, let us know how that goes.

[jen1447]

I don't think she wants to be flogged I think she wants someone to be able to give her the magic formula . . .

 

^ Hasn't worked so far.

 

Haha noo it's just that I always think to myself, "Well what IF this guy was the one for me and because I made these mindless and thoughtless mistakes, I ruined my chance with the right guy and might end up alone."

 

Right, so your mindlessness and thoughtlessness is to blame. Bad girl!

[jen1447]

You're right. You should contact him, apologize again, tell him you can't forget about him. Tell him you think he's the one for you. You'll never meet anyone like him again and you can't sleep or eat at the thought of never seeing him again. Then after that wait, be patient, give it a few days. If he doesn't reply then a few days later write to him again. Be more insisting. If you repeat that again and and again you will convince him to love you.

 

Good luck, let us know how that goes.

 

It's a little reckless that you didn't suggest she go round his place late at night too G.

[giggik]

I'm not here to get flogged. I'm just trying to get people's opinions on whether or not its possible to mess things up with someone you're supposed to be with. I'm not saying this guy was The One, but what if he was and I ended up ruining my chances by not being a little more mindful of the way I conducted myself on this date?