Dating a 22y girl, perplexed

March 4, 2017

I'm a 29 year old male. I met a 22 year old female at a bar, about a month and half ago. Since then, we've been out 3 times, but have talked a lot on the phone, so much so that at one point or another we've both expressed that we "like" each other. It all started after the 2nd date, when we made out and a bit more. After we each got home, we had phone sex. Afterwards, she came on really really strong, so much so that I got a bit turned off. For example, she told me she has feelings for me. She called me once just to "hear my voice". She started inquiring about my past sexual history.

Then after about a week of this behavior, she all of a sudden she became fairly quiet. She'd still respond when I talked to her, but it was clear she kept a distance. I just assumed that due to my non reciprocation with all her expressions the past week, she wanted to play hard to get.

Then, to my surprise, she told me she doesn't want to "date" exclusively, and that she wants to see what's out there, meet other people. She's only kissed one other dude, whom she was in a relationship with for 4 years, broke up a year ago. She said I was the first person she's ever been on a date with, or kissed, aside from him.

I didn't know if she was just playing hard to get, or it truly was a 180 from the clingy way she was acting before, but either way, I finally felt breathing room to ask her out again. Again, it felt like we had a great time. But it was on this 3rd date where she made it clear that she really wants to meet and see multiple guys, because she really doesn't know what she wants/what's out there. I decided to be a bit more expressive and told her I do in fact like her, and would like to get to know her more. I tried telling her it's okay to date one person if she's having fun, but she didn't buy it. So I played it cool and said sure we can both see other people. We still made out and went further than last time, but she held firm with this position.

It's been 2 days since this date and we texted once, but it was very minor.

I am so confused. If I really am the 2nd person she's kissed, why continue to make out and go to 2nd/almost 3rd base with me if she's not interested? Or is it that she just can't make up her mind? Could she be using me just for the physical pleasure? Is she giving mixed signals on purpose? Or is she truly not sure what's out there and wants to explore? Does she just enjoy the chase, and backed off the minute I started showing a bit more interest?

I forgot what it was like to be a 22 year old, and I don't know what to make of this, feel free to help. TIA

Edited March 12, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

March 5, 2017

Keep moving, because are you sure you want this sort of mental unstable type of women. Teasing, flirting and wanting more than what you want out of this.. This is really one for the books..

March 5, 2017

Keep moving, because are you sure you want this sort of mental unstable type of women. Teasing, flirting and wanting more than what you want out of this.. This is really one for the books..

Wanting more than what I want out of this? I'd be happy with getting serious...we click, are both talkative with great sense of humor.

March 5, 2017

She's simply acting her age in my opinion. She's doing what she's supposed to be doing at 22; dating and getting to know herself

March 5, 2017

She's simply acting her age in my opinion. She's doing what she's supposed to be doing at 22; dating and getting to know herself

I see. So should I give up or keep trying?

Aside from her age and dating inexperience, she's actually a very ambitious girl. Reads a lot, is able to have deep conversations. That's what attracts me to her.

March 5, 2017

Wanting more than what I want out of this? I'd be happy with getting serious...we click, are both talkative with great sense of humor.

That's good you feel like that.. But, remember what she said to you though..

Then, to my surprise, she told me she doesn't want to "date" exclusively, and that she wants to see what's out there, meet other people. She's only kissed one other dude, whom she was in a relationship with for 4 years, broke up a year ago. She said I was the first person she's ever been on a date with, or kissed, aside from him.

Remember that what she said. If you okay with that..

and let's not forget this too

I didn't know if she was just playing hard to get, or it truly was a 180 from the clingy way she was acting before, but either way, I finally felt breathing room to ask her out again. Again, it felt like we had a great time. But it was on this 3rd date where she made it clear that she really wants to meet and see multiple guys, because she really doesn't know what she wants/what's out there. I decided to be a bit more expressive and told her I do in fact like her, and would like to get to know her more. I tried telling her it's okay to date one person if she's having fun, but she didn't buy it. So I played it cool and said sure we can both see other people. We still made out and went further than last time, but she held firm with this position.

Why would you want to date this sort of women.. You can't tell her what you want, she told you what she wants. Then you have to watch out for "infections" she might or might not catch. I would move on if she wants to see multi-guys and not really looking for one guy to date solo, sounds like she wants casual sexual dating..

March 5, 2017

Sounds like she was in only one serious relationship recently and is young and wants to explore and see what's out there. You can hang in there if you want but you are probably wasting your time with this one. She probably got caught up with things early on and has caught herself hence why she went from hot to cold. She has no idea who or what she wants right now but she does know that she doesn't want to be tied down again.

March 5, 2017

I also attract girls that age but I know better than to waste my time taking them seriously no matter how mature they appear.

Your only problem is that you are taking a girl seriously and expecting her to act like a woman. It will never happen. This is what you will get.

1) Indecisiveness

2) Actions that do not match words

3) Fickleness

4) White hot to cold, or zero degrees from one day to the next.

5) She will eventually do something stupid and you will break up.

6) Her loyalty is based on how she feels, her environment, alcohol, peer pressure and whether you are in her good books or not.

March 5, 2017

I also attract girls that age but I know better than to waste my time taking them seriously no matter how mature they appear.

Your only problem is that you are taking a girl seriously and expecting her to act like a woman. It will never happen. This is what you will get.

1) Indecisiveness
2) Actions that do not match words
3) Fickleness
4) White hot to cold, or zero degrees from one day to the next.
5) She will eventually do something stupid and you will break up.
6) Her loyalty is based on how she feels, her environment, alcohol, peer pressure and whether you are in her good books or not.

Well then, that's discouraging lol.

And here I am taking this whole thing seriously. But still, having been only the 2nd person she was ever physical with, I just don't get how she seems to not be emotionally interested at all...

March 5, 2017

Well then, that's discouraging lol.

And here I am taking this whole thing seriously. But still, having been only the 2nd person she was ever physical with, I just don't get how she seems to not be emotionally interested at all...

Because she can do whatever she pleases. You need to understand that. She's still learning to be a woman of many choices. Your older you been through as a man. Sure we all want them to say YES I want you only, but you can't with her unless you allow her to have her way and what do you get in the end?

March 5, 2017

It sounds to me that she really liked you when you first met, but when you started pulling away because you felt she was coming on too strong, she decided that you weren't interested and therefore started seeing someone else. This is why she later told you that she wanted the two of you to date other people. So that she can be free to see the other guy without feeling guilty.

Perhaps next time, don't get so hot and heavy with a girl you've just met if there's a chance you will develop feelings for her in the future. Because once you start pulling away, it may be too late when you try to bounce back.

March 5, 2017

(if I really am the 2nd person she's kissed), so why continue to make out and go to 2nd/almost 3rd base with me if she's not interested?

oh my...if you are posing this question at 29 then she just may be too mature for you.

Edited March 5, 2017 by madjac74
grammar

March 5, 2017

I don't know why you are making this so complicated. She told you she isn't interested in a relationship but wants to play the field, and have experiences. It's pretty straight forward. Surly you have hear of casual dating? or FWB?

March 5, 2017

She seemed very keen on you and that turned you off. She must have sensed your withdrawal and thought you were not that interested. When she became less interested, you become more interested! She's probably not sure what to think now. She is talking about you both dating others. Maybe she felt your withdrawal was not a good sign and she could not rely on you. Under the circumstances, it seems reasonable that she should not get too invested in you.

Perhaps it is best to let her know you are interested in her but you won't share her. Let her know you want her but that if she can't be exclusive with you, you will need meet someone else instead.

Give her time to think about it. Sometimes feelings are processed very slowly and your change of behaviour might confuse her. Be kind and give her time to reflect on this before expecting any decision.

March 5, 2017

So you both agreed to see other people.

I don't see what's the problem here?

March 10, 2017

She seemed very keen on you and that turned you off. She must have sensed your withdrawal and thought you were not that interested. When she became less interested, you become more interested! She's probably not sure what to think now. She is talking about you both dating others. Maybe she felt your withdrawal was not a good sign and she could not rely on you. Under the circumstances, it seems reasonable that she should not get too invested in you.

Perhaps it is best to let her know you are interested in her but you won't share her. Let her know you want her but that if she can't be exclusive with you, you will need meet someone else instead.

Give her time to think about it. Sometimes feelings are processed very slowly and your change of behaviour might confuse her. Be kind and give her time to reflect on this before expecting any decision.

The more I think about it, the more I believe this is what happened. My withdrawal sent her emotional guard up and she is afraid I'll withdraw again.

We are going hiking together this week. I'm planning on taking her over this very scenic bridge/park and then ending the hike with wine tasting. In addition she's been talking about this book that she likes and wants to borrow mine. I'm going to give her my copy as a gift with a cute little message inside.

I'm really hoping the carefully planned, and thoughtful ideas will help her realize I am serious and a keeper. I'm nervous and scared but I guess that's just a sign I like her.

March 10, 2017

I'm really hoping the carefully planned, and thoughtful ideas will help her realize I am serious and a keeper

You want a relationship.

she told me she doesn't want to "date" exclusively, and that she wants to see what's out there, meet other people

She already told you she doesn't.

Both of you want different things, you move way too fast. This will not end well for you. Listen to what the woman is telling you.

March 10, 2017

You want a relationship.

She already told you she doesn't.

Both of you want different things, you move way too fast. This will not end well for you. Listen to what the woman is telling you.

But in the beginning she expressed real serious interest, so much so that it pushed me away.

Then she did a 180.

Which one is genuine? You're saying the latter. I'm saying I don't know, but I suspect that because I backed off, she did the same. Now I just need to go back on again.

March 10, 2017

But in the beginning she expressed real serious interest, so much so that it pushed me away.

Then she did a 180.

Which one is genuine? You're saying the latter. I'm saying I don't know, but I suspect that because I backed off, she did the same. Now I just need to go back on again.

Look at my numbered list. It doesn't matter which is genuine because it is constantly changing. That's the point. You are dancing to her music but the chords change like the weather. There may well be some exceptions but that is likely to be how the vast majority of girls her age act.

Maybe you just need to learn that yourself.

March 10, 2017

But in the beginning she expressed real serious interest, so much so that it pushed me away.

Then she did a 180.

Which one is genuine? You're saying the latter. I'm saying I don't know, but I suspect that because I backed off, she did the same. Now I just need to go back on again.

Just because she was all over you doesn't mean she wanted something serious.Stop focusing on a relationship and enjoy your time with her!

March 10, 2017

Just because she was all over you doesn't mean she wanted something serious.Stop focusing on a relationship and enjoy your time with her!

Haha, oh so you still think I should see her?

And not because she was all over me; but because she specifically said she has feelings for me and started inquiring about my past relationships/sexual hx. Started asking me if I'm dating others and told me she can only kiss/date one person at a time.

(Her idea of playing the field is going on multiple 1st or maybe 2nd very casual "dates", and not progressing further for a while.) Like I said, I'm only the 2nd guy she was ever physical with so I don't think she's looking to just mess around.

But anyway, so you do think I should still see her right? But you seem to have a problem with me making it a nice planned romantic hike with wine tasting?

March 10, 2017

Haha, oh so you still think I should see her?

And not because she was all over me; but because she specifically said she has feelings for me and started inquiring about my past relationships/sexual hx. Started asking me if I'm dating others and told me she can only kiss/date one person at a time.

(Her idea of playing the field is going on multiple 1st or maybe 2nd very casual "dates", and not progressing further for a while.) Like I said, I'm only the 2nd guy she was ever physical with so I don't think she's looking to just mess around.

But anyway, so you do think I should still see her right? But you seem to have a problem with me making it a nice planned romantic hike with wine tasting?

Women say a lot of stuff based on how they feeling in the moment, her idea of playing the filed means she's not THAT interested in you actually. Your interest level in higher than hers.

I have no problems with being romantic just don't over do it ( this isn't the notebook ),you'll come off as try-hard man who's moving too fast, remember she already told you she doesn't want to be exclusive.

March 10, 2017

Women say a lot of stuff based on how they feeling in the moment, her idea of playing the filed means she's not THAT interested in you actually. Your interest level in higher than hers.

I have no problems with being romantic just don't over do it ( this isn't the notebook ),you'll come off as try-hard man who's moving too fast, remember she already told you she doesn't want to be exclusive.

I agree. Not going to overdo it. Hence I'm giving her a small gift of a book that she keeps asking me for, instead of something like flowers.

But the romantic undertone - beautiful scenery, will be there. She's the one who agreed to hiking and can't complain about it being too romantic now can she? Haha

I'll be acting all cool and confident as I initially did. I think her 180 really ****ed with my head; I don't think I am into her as I am acting or thinking.

If she hadn't come on so strong this whole thing would have gone smoothly. Oh well. As you said, just need to focus on having a good time with her when I see her. The rest hopefully falls into place if it's meant to be.

March 10, 2017

I'll be acting all cool and confident as I initially did. I think her 180 really ****ed with my head; I don't think I am into her as I am acting or thinking.

If she hadn't come on so strong this whole thing would have gone smoothly. Oh well. As you said, just need to focus on having a good time with her when I see her. The rest hopefully falls into place if it's meant to be.

Man, this exact same thing happened to me two weeks ago - and with a 22-year old girl, to boot! I hope it wasn't the same one!

(BTW, after this happened, mine kept 180'ing between not showing any affection and asking me out on spontaneous dates and being totally into me - until at some point she disappeared and I haven't heard from her at all in a week. Though this seems harsh, it was probably for the better, as I don't think I would have wanted to be involved with somebody that ridiculously fickle.)

March 10, 2017

Why are you perplexed? She's 22.

What were you like at 22? Entirely stable, ready to settle down, and knew exactly what you wanted in a relationship and aimed straight for that without wavering?

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Dating a 22y girl, perplexed

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