Handling selfishness and immaturity?

[viatori patuit]

I am curious about something. I have a great girlfriend. I love her and we are to be married soon. In general she is fun, outgoing and a pleasure to be around.

 

Sometimes she gets pretty selfish though. There are occasions where i sense she is worried about herself first and that the relationship (or me) don't factor into the equation. It is not often and it is not serious. I really think she gets a bit emotional occasionally and reacts poorly over marginal issues.

 

So far, I have not been able to approach her about this Issue. She gets real defensive when I suggest she has been selfish. I have tried painting out where I had been, and telling her it is not unusual for people to behave poorly on occasion.

 

Maybe I am just bad at this kind of thing. I don't know. I do know that it is not a huge issue right now, but I do not ever want this to be an issue. Any suggestions on how to approach someone who reacts like this?

[act00]

Everyone thinks about "me, me, me." Can you cite an example of what you consider to be selfish behavior? Is this anything that could present major problems in the future, even though they seem minor now? Is she worried about future goals that could affect her future, and she's not sure how this will work out? I mean, you're about to embark on making a life together, presumably forever, and I think it's perfectly reasonable that she thinks about ME, and how will this affects ME, and what the future holds for ME. Are you tracking out your future and not considering her needs, wishes, dreams, desires?

 

Why are you "painting out where I have been?" What does that mean, really? You know better than her based on your experiences? Are you dictating her future? Are you accusing her of behaving poorly and judging her because you've "painted"?

[viatori patuit]

Excellent question.

 

A good example happened today. We have been together about 18 months. We met about a month after I left my soon to be ex wife. Our marriage had been dead for some time (at least to me). I would have left five years earlier, but she got diagnosed with cancer. I stayed until she was well and In remission for a few years before I left. I say that because in my mind I was ready to date for some time prior to leaving.

 

The ex has not taken the divorce well. She is bitter and fights everything. She is positively furious that I found happiness and really wants to punish me. The divorce is well into year two (no kids). Sometimes I could use a bit more support but every time I bring it up around her she scolds me a bit for not being more forceful. It always comes back to how impacts her in particular. I do not see the point in battling over the divorce. It is a waste of money and time. She wants me to declare war and get her gone fast. I get this, and I do appreciate this is out of her love for me.

 

I just want to be able to handle a situation like this effectively. Maybe I am just wrong and she is totally in the right. I am in this situation so it is tough to tell.

[act00]

So you started up a relationship before you were divorced. This divorce has taken two years to accomplish (really?) with no end in sight, and has not completed? You cannot commit to her until this divorce is final.

 

You expect her to listen to you complain about it, deal with the battles of divorce, and deal with your angry not-yet-ex-wife, who you had an affair on, and dumped on, so you could shack up with the honey.

 

She's not selfish. She walked into a vat of crazy.

 

You may think it's a waste of time and money, but just end the divorce. She is not selfish to expect you to sever ties, not drag this out for gawd knows how long.

 

Despite the fact that I think your girlfriend is walking straight into a nightmare, YOU are selfish for not ending this divorce, severing ties, and creating a life with this woman you supposedly love.

[basil67]

I don't see that you had an affair on your ex, but I do think that letting this divorce go on for two years without putting your foot down is a bit much.

 

In my house, we have a thing where we don't complain about stuff when we could take a different approach to it and change the outcome. One of us will always end up saying in response "well how about you do X instead and fix it?"

[viatori patuit]

I don't see that you had an affair on your ex, but I do think that letting this divorce go on for two years without putting your foot down is a bit much.

 

In my house, we have a thing where we don't complain about stuff when we could take a different approach to it and change the outcome. One of us will always end up saying in response "well how about you do X instead and fix it?"

 

It is not quite two years yet. The divorce is in Chicago (cook county). Anyone who knows about that will tell you it is FOREVER there. There is a trial set finally in June. If she cannot delay it which I am sure she will try then it will be final then. For those unaware, cook county can take a real long time to process a divorce. Three years is normal with kids. All it takes is one party to fight and it is forever.

 

And this not the product of an affair. As I said, I met her after I left. There is no contact with the ex. She is now just fighting over property. Well, really she is just not doing anything. We cannot even engage in settlement talks. She just wont. This is going to trial for sure. I would be happy to end it now - how do you do that with a non responsive party?

 

Sometimes this just wears on me. Every time I have to deal with this BS it is taxing. Constant attempts to get a settlement and nothing. I am not sure if my future wife is aware of that. I don't know if she should care. FWIW she has an ex as well (with kids). He comes up often related to the kids and I talk with her about it without issue. I get ex spouses can be difficult to deal with.

 

I am not sure if there is a better way to say something or if I am just asking too much. I don't mind if its the latter, that is sometimes easier to deal with. Often an attitude adjustment can be the answer. But I also want to make sure I am not short changing myself. I don't want to go from no relationship to one where it is one sided.

[d0nnivain]

I don't see selfishness or immaturity here on the part of your GF/FI. I see a woman who wants to get on with her life but she can't because her BF/FI isn't pressing hard enough to get his divorce finalized. Yes, given various judicial backlog issues I can see how 2 years could go by with no action but when your GF/FI asks about it she's trying to put your relationship first. You are the one relegating it to the back burner by not pressing for the divorce.

 

 

Yes, getting a divorce is tough but you can't expect your new SO to be your therapist & sounding board for issues that come up with your EX. Get a therapist for that.

[elaine567]

I suggest you jumped a bit too quickly into this.

YOU barely left your marriage and suddenly you are seriously involved with another woman and are soon going to marry her...

 

You are now in the middle of two women, one who is angry and upset you dumped her and is digging her heels in, and the other who wants the ex gone to she can have you all to herself asap.

Where do you come in?

What do you really want?

 

You had no time to really process what must have been a very traumatic time for you. The death of your marriage, your wife getting cancer and you finally leaving the marital home with the resulting acrimonious and interminable divorce issues.

 

I think you should step back and reassess the situation.

Yes, it is very comforting to rush head long from one bad relationship into another that seems more promising.

However with that strategy usually comes a sting in the tail.

The "rebound" as that is what this woman essentially is, may be a good person, she may be a great person but is she the person for you?

Are you really ready to jump from a failed marriage into a serious relationship leading to another marriage, this soon?

 

I do not think she is being that selfish in wanting you to get rid of your ex once and for all, few people want exes hanging around, but are you now seeing things you do not like in your gfr, as you are having second thoughts, and in reality you want out, or do not want railroaded into another marriage anyway?

Your ongoing divorce troubles keep you safe - as long as you are still married, you cannot possibly marry someone else, can you?

[Ieris]

So far, I have not been able to approach her about this Issue. She gets real defensive when I suggest she has been selfish. I have tried painting out where I had been, and telling her it is not unusual for people to behave poorly on occasion.

 

Maybe I am just bad at this kind of thing. I don't know. I do know that it is not a huge issue right now, but I do not ever want this to be an issue. Any suggestions on how to approach someone who reacts like this?

 

If you are going to marry someone, you should be able to approach them about anything. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

 

I understand no one likes to be criticized or be told that they are wrong but you have to call them out or let them know if there is something you are not happy with. Some people will become defensive, turn things on you, play the victim etc. but you just need to be firm and say I only need you to listen. I usually don't give them a chance to argue or say anything, make the point then walk away and leave them to think about it.

[smackie9]

Get pre marriage counseling asap. It will be the best investment you two will ever make.

[viatori patuit]

If you are going to marry someone, you should be able to approach them about anything. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

 

I understand no one likes to be criticized or be told that they are wrong but you have to call them out or let them know if there is something you are not happy with. Some people will become defensive, turn things on you, play the victim etc. but you just need to be firm and say I only need you to listen. I usually don't give them a chance to argue or say anything, make the point then walk away and leave them to think about it.

 

I tend to think this might be more the issue.

 

Again, I need to stress this is not a huge problem right now. I could live with things as they are - there are some things I simply do not discuss with her as she reacts poorly. i think it would be selfish and hypocritical of me to expect everything to be open and perfect. It simply won't be.

 

I would like to be able to bring something to her and have it be discussed without recrimination. I don't mind being wrong. I would like to have it be less dramatic when I am. It is not like I wont change the way I do things - I am happy too if the situation calls for it.

 

I wonder if people ever show up here and discuss non-critical issues? A ton of the comments here range from the untrue (you started in an affair!) to the super dramatic (get counseling immediately!). It seems that if there is something small you want to attempt to work on there might be less intrusive ways. Not every problem is critical.

 

If she and I never discussed this issue again and I had to live with things the way they are that would be fine. I do not see anything wrong with seeking new ways of saying things to someone when that subject obviously makes that person uncomfortable.

[Larryville]

I am curious about something. I have a great girlfriend. I love her and we are to be married soon. In general she is fun, outgoing and a pleasure to be around.

 

I do know that it is not a huge issue right now, but I do not ever want. this to be an issue.

 

I really think she gets a bit emotional occasionally and reacts poorly over marginal issues.

 

I find it fascinating that dudes don't have any idea how condescending a quote like that sounds..

 

I left my soon to be ex wife. Our marriage had been dead for some time (at least to me). I would have left five years earlier, but she got diagnosed with cancer. I stayed until she was well and In remission for a few years before I left.

 

You expect her to listen to you complain about it, deal with the battles of divorce, and deal with your angry not-yet-ex-wife, who you had an affair on, and dumped on, so you could shack up with the honey.

 

She's not selfish. She walked into a vat of crazy.

 

I wonder if people ever show up here and discuss non-critical issues?

 

It just continues to kill me how people will make the choice to post something on this site only tell part of the story and then get indignant with those who post their comments and analysis on the situation in which they were presented and yet the people who make the comments are the ones that are wrong.

 

You made the choice to come to this site to get opinions and so some people are giving them to you.

Frankly as someone said your girlfriend doesn't have the issue, you do.

 

First you tell us that your girlfriend is such a wonderful incredible person then you transition into the fact that you were to be married to this individual soon.

 

Then to try to gain sympathy you say that you would have divorced your wife an individual who develop cancer but you hung around because you're a good guy.

 

However you chose to post a threat talking about:

"Handling selfishness and immaturity"

 

Regarding "a great girlfriend who you love and wish to marry"

 

Clearly we are all wrong and obviously missing something.

[goldway90]

I have a great girlfriend. I love her and we are to be married soon

 

We have been together about 18 months. We met about a month after I left my soon to be ex wife

 

Seriously what did you expect? it's baffling how some people jump too soon without taking the time to heal and sort their lives.

[preraph]

The reality is that this relationship with your poor ex is just a sad situation and one that probably the new gf is simply not experienced enough or mature enough to understand and handle well. She may be too young for you in that way.

[kendahke]

This situation reminds me of that story about Henry VIII complaining to Anne Boleyn about Katharine of Aragon not yielding to his demands that she give him a divorce and go live in a convent when she was a crowned Queen of England and Anne going off on him bringing his complaints to her after years of waiting for his marriage to be dissolved.

 

I really think she gets a bit emotional occasionally and reacts poorly over marginal issues.

You still being married (separated is not divorce. Only divorce/death dissolves a lawful marriage. Don't get it twisted) with no end in sight, especially if your wife decides to contest the property (which is her right as your legal spouse) is NOT a marginal issue. It's probably more than she can tolerate.

[viatori patuit]

The reality is that this relationship with your poor ex is just a sad situation and one that probably the new gf is simply not experienced enough or mature enough to understand and handle well. She may be too young for you in that way.

 

This is probably pretty close to the mark. Sometimes I think she is not sure how to handle someone like me. I am fairly successful and have a separate life. Of course I curb that dramatically for her. In my old marriage I used to travel 6 months of the year because I did not wish to be at home. I now travel perhaps 4-6 weeks a year. She has always dated people who had simpler lifestyles.

 

Do you think this is something that would fix itself? or does it need a nudge? I would be happier to let it lie for some time but that may not be the best course of action.

 

As for the other comments, they are very interesting. I have heard lots of stuff, none of which I said. It is just eyeopening how little of my posts get read.

 

I will say that I did pick up one thing. If my ex and her nonsense is just cause to rebuff conversation then certainly hers ex is reason for me to stop the conversation. I thank y'all for that. I was having a hard time reconciling her reticence to discuss my situation yet my tolerance of hers. From here on out we simply will not discuss either situation.

[MidwestUSA]

I will say that I did pick up one thing. If my ex and her nonsense is just cause to rebuff conversation then certainly hers ex is reason for me to stop the conversation. I thank y'all for that. I was having a hard time reconciling her reticence to discuss my situation yet my tolerance of hers. From here on out we simply will not discuss either situation.

 

Well, see where avoidance gets you.

 

So, you're being a great guy by being tolerant. Kudos. Is her situation as tangled as yours? I don't believe you've mentioned it, apologies if you did.

 

You won't get anywhere by hiding baggage in the garage. It may get you through the honeymoon phase, but it sounds like you're about done with that anyway.

 

Why so defensive?

[viatori patuit]

Well, see where avoidance gets you.

 

So, you're being a great guy by being tolerant. Kudos. Is her situation as tangled as yours? I don't believe you've mentioned it, apologies if you did.

 

You won't get anywhere by hiding baggage in the garage. It may get you through the honeymoon phase, but it sounds like you're about done with that anyway.

 

Why so defensive?

 

 

My reaction is based more on shock than being defensive. I see some really stellar advice on this site. I spend a ton of time here because the insight in certain threads is beyond reproach. I realize I am communicating things in a vacuum, and expected for people to seek clarification on things I missed as they often do on this site. I really did not see that here and it was just surprising. Maybe that is an indication of just how bad I can be at communicating. Not really sure. I said repeatedly this was more of a nuisance and that I could live with it. I simply wanted to see if there was something more I could do to address the situation. Given the moderate presentation, I was not expecting to hear some of the things that were posted in response. They seemed a bit extreme to me. When I suggested that I got some real aggressive responses.

 

I did mention her ex. She has two very small children from a marriage previous (4 and 6 months at the time I met her). He left her when she was 12 weeks pregnant with the second child. I have been asked to be a surrogate father, part time law counselor, and sympathetic ear. I don't really mind doing that. I get ex's and kids can be nuts.

 

I do have trouble reconciling her reaction to my ex being discussed and my reaction to her ex being discussed. That was one example of what I see as moderately selfish behavior which I will see on occasion. That was my point - I clearly heard we should not discuss my situation as it was uncomfortable for her. The reverse must also be true.

[MidwestUSA]

I do see now that you mentioned her ex. Sorry.

 

The problem is, your wife isn't an ex. Yet. As someone who's been left, while pregnant, your gf feels like she's on pretty unstable ground. I hope that you take that into consideration. Her feelings aren't coming out of nowhere.

 

And, fwiw, I do think you're rushing into things. Someone mentioned premarital counseling. It's a good idea.

[viatori patuit]

I do see now that you mentioned her ex. Sorry.

 

The problem is, your wife isn't an ex. Yet. As someone who's been left, while pregnant, your gf feels like she's on pretty unstable ground. I hope that you take that into consideration. Her feelings aren't coming out of nowhere.

 

And, fwiw, I do think you're rushing into things. Someone mentioned premarital counseling. It's a good idea.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, and I do not disagree that counseling is generally a good idea.

 

As for her feelings and her reactions I think there is more to it than that. Growing up I learned quickly that I was responsible for my actions and that there is no excuse for treating someone poorly. None. That does not mean we won't but we are responsible for that. Two wrongs never make a right.

 

I guess some people do not live that way. Maybe she is one of them. I suppose I should ask her if she think she treats me fairly. That might be a good start.

[kendahke]

I do have trouble reconciling her reaction to my ex being discussed and my reaction to her ex being discussed.

 

This is really apples/oranges.

 

You have a lawful wife and you have to drag the state into dissolving your legal union. She doesn't have a lawful husband that she has to drag the state into to dissolve the relationship. She is legally (and morally if that is her hill to die on) free and clear to enter into any relationship. You're not until your wife dies or you divorce her.

 

That was one example of what I see as moderately selfish behavior which I will see on occasion. That was my point - I clearly heard we should not discuss my situation as it was uncomfortable for her. The reverse must also be true

Is this a game of one-upsmanship going on here? Edited March 12, 2017 by kendahke

[elaine567]

Have you resolved the sex problem, you previously posted about?

Is this also one of the things you feel she being selfish about?

Did you manage to broach the subject with her?

 

... the primary issue is that she has two children and that she routinely puts me so far down the chain in priorities that things I desire do not get met. I am specifically talking about sexual things – nothing too kinky, but I sure would like to have some raucous romps every once in a while rather than 20 minutes of missionary right before going to bed every other night.

 

Now first and foremost – kids come first. I know this and I am fine with it. I genuinely like her children and we get along fine. I also understand that my needs and wants fall far below them. I routinely hear things like “I am so tired; can we deal with that later” or even outright hostility when I pursue these things. It is to the point that I am not comfortable sharing my opinion with her about this because I am certain it will end badly.

 

 

I really am a pretty easy guy to please. Some aggressive pursuit, skimpy lingerie and maybe a few pictures here and there would keep me happy. It lets me know sex is still important to her as well and that she wants me to enjoy it.

[viatori patuit]

Have you resolved the sex problem, you previously posted about?

Is this also one of the things you feel she being selfish about?

Did you manage to broach the subject with her?

 

 

No, not to my satisfaction. I have been very cautious about that though. There are a ton of changes for both of us going on right now. Big stuff that needs to be addressed. I get that when there are all sorts of moving parts that things might get squeezed a bit.

 

One thing I found that is a factor is that her PMS is AWFUL. She is really bitchy and reclusive for perhaps 3-4 days during the cycle. I have had multiple live in girlfriends and have been married but I have never seen anything like this. She is a totally different person. I suggested she see a doctor as I believe this is a medical issue that can happen to some women. She told me she was perfectly normal and that there was no need. Not sure what to do about that one.

 

I am paying much closer attention to her approach to things now. After starting this thread I did notice she has been more insensitive for about a week now. Part of it is most certainly the aforementioned PMS. I am really beginning to think the rest is simply immaturity though. She is saying things that one would simply not say to someone else if they cared about them.

 

I know, y'all want an example. here is a simple one: Yesterday I dislocated my knee cap. It is an old injury and it can happen off and on. When it happens, it hurts intensely for a while and then the knee is loose for a bit. It happened while we were out and yes, it hurt quite a bit. It did not slow me down too much though and I followed through on helping with the kids and what not like I normally do. As we got ready for bed she basically called me weak since childbirth must hurt more than a separated knee.

 

Now, it may. I am not a female and I have no idea what that is like. It just seemed like an insensitive and unnecessary comment.

[viatori patuit]

Wow, this starting to get much worse.

 

We are scheduled to move into a new house at the end of the week. We already live together, but it would be a significant upgrade. She has been AWFUL the last few days. Very withdrawn and sarcastic. It is 2:30 am, and I am sitting outside cooling off from yet another nasty comment she made tonight.

 

She has done this sort of thing before, though it varies in its intensity. She blames PMS, but for the life of me it seems that treating someone poorly can never be excused by claiming hormones. I am beginning to feel taken for granted. Oh, and she NEVER apologizes for the behavior.

 

For the last few days I have been thinking this situation might be more serious than I thought. Now, I really could use some more guidance. I am actually thinking of ending this situation but I am really unsure. How do I objectively judge a situation where I am not objective?

[elaine567]

You seem to have got involved with a woman who doesn't appear to like you all that much, just now.

At 18 months the honeymoon phase is wearing off and you are now both seeing the real person.

 

I think here you need to assess whether she truly loves you and you are just going through a phase of getting to know one another well, with the usual fights, power struggles and irritations, or whether she is just using you as a father/provider for her kids and the real you is a bit of an inconvenience to her.

 

I think your hesitancy to communicate with her is a bit of a problem, so you need to be more assertive and tell her how you feel and ask her what she feels in return, tactfully and in calm tones. Forget the ILYs, anyone can tell you that, and concentrate on what you both really want in this relationship.

Proper open communication may help greatly here.

Resentment kills relationships.