Together 3.5 years and he has said he was moving in for over 1.5 in a few months

[vintagesangria]

Hello all!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is a single guy- never married or even close- he's 49. I just turned 40. I was married for 18 years before I divorced and met him 4 months after leaving my ex. I am a single mom to 3- all teens- not easy. I work very hard and make a good living. My boyfriend has been telling me he was moving in "a few months" for about the last 1.5 years- if not longer. He constantly tells me he loves me. He does say he can't imagine his life without me- BUT seriously won't move in. He has even told my girls (13, 16) that he was moving in with a date but the date comes and goes with nothing. I refuse any monetary help from him because he is literally only my boyfriend. He constantly has another reason he won't move- like he wanted to pay off his house (which he owns with and lives with his 48 year brother), he had to settle things, or that I needed to resolve my mourning for my lost mother (which she died when I was 22) or my son whom has been gone 5 months.

 

I tell him very clearly that I need his security and stability every night.

 

He constantly has to work (he is an independent contractor) unless there is an opportunity to hang with pals and go to Vegas or skateboarding etc...

 

How long should I wait for him to actually move in?

 

I feel like it is never going to happen----and I am not even talking marriage yet which he says he wants to marry me. How long should I wait for him to move in?

 

Have I already waited too long?

[MidwestUSA]

You're 40, and he wants to wait until you've 'resolved' the death of your mother 18 years ago?

 

That's a new one on me.

 

He has no intention of moving in, ever. Period. Not. Nada. No way. It sounds like you're quite secure and stable on your own, and having him there would actually compromise that.

 

He's pushing 50 and never married for a very good reason. Either accept that you have a 'permanant' boyfriend who's never going to commit, or give him the boot and do better for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[kendahke]

He doesn't want to move in with you, but he wants to keep your relationship as it is.

 

Is your relationship that weak that only him under your roof makes it solid? If so, then you don't have the relationship you think you have.

 

It could be: He'd rather be your husband living with you than your boyfriend and not enough time has elapsed for him to feel comfortable moving things to that level

 

or

 

no matter how much he likes your kids, he doesn't want to live in the house with them.

 

or

 

the seriousness of this relationship exists in your head only

 

I'd stop pressuring him about moving in. Finish rearing your children and get them into university. Once your youngest is out of the house, then revisit the notion of living together.

[Gaeta]

Why do you want him to move in? Sounds like you already have your hands full with your house, work and kids.

 

How often do you spend time together?

 

My bf and I are both 50 and together close to 2 years. All kids involved are adults, it's just him and I. We don't live together and maybe we will never live together but it's alright. We don't need to be under the same roof to commit to each other. We spend all of our weekends together, we travel, we have sleep over on week days, etc. I actually enjoy being on my own a few days a week to go to bed early and post all I want in LS :-)

 

So what is the real problem here? You don't spend enough time together? You don't feel he's committed? There is another issue underneath this.

[Redhead14]

I'm with Gaeta. I'm 58, divorced, was engaged, lived together and he passed away shortly before the wedding. I am now completely and totally OK with my life as a single, independent, secure woman. I've "been there done that". My current SO and I are both totally happy with our arrangement for the last 3 years. We don't want to marry or live with anyone. We see each other often enough and we both like our "space". We see each other 2 to 3 times a week, do things on weekends when there's something special we want to do, we go on vacations together, etc. I kinda like some time in between to miss each other sometimes too. It keeps a little "excitement" in it

 

At our ages, he's 64, we are set in our ways too. You are still raising children and bringing another person into the mix who isn't used to children and family life, isn't going to be the dream life you might expect.

 

I'd leave this "issue" alone for a while if you really love him and are sure that he's all in for you otherwise. Open a casual conversation about it if you like to find out what's holding him back but don't pressure him.

 

You still have a lot on your plate. Telling him you NEED his comfort and stability every night, is pressure. You maybe want that, but needing it is another thing.

 

You need to look at the big picture -- age plays a role in what a person wants for themselves. He may not really want an instant family at his age. I do think he's stringing you along though about moving in probably because you keep bringing it up and he just gives lip service which also kinda says he not a good communicator.

 

If you really want to live with him, I think you need to be patient, find out what's holding him back. If it's the kids/instant family thing, leave it be until the kids are on their feet. If living together is a good idea now, it will be later too if the relationship is solid anyway. A couple can be committed to one another without the "paperwork" and living together. Neither marriage nor living together is a guarantee of anything I'm sorry to say. They are there because they want to be. That's a bigger sign for me.

[caveman621]

Things can happen that need to be taken care of before he can move. But 1.5 years? NO, NO, NO. For some reason he is avoiding it.

[d0nnivain]

He's not moving in. He keeps telling you that he is because that is what you want to hear. Why would he move in with you when he owns another house with his brother?

 

If you can't abide not living together you need a new BF. If everything else is otherwise good, other than his address, continue to enjoy the relationship.

[pest947]

Action speaks louder than words

[Caramelpopcorn]

I respect what some of the other ladies said, but yeah maybe some women don't feel the need to move in with their BFs, YOU DO! Simply. That's what you want.

 

I think he's one of those men who can't give up their freedoms and he thinks once he's living with you, he'll feel trapped. That's my analogy, but you already now that from the vegas thing.

 

But here's the real issue, it's an issue of differences, you want different things. You love him and he loves you, but you can't agree on an important issue. Do you want to waste more time with him? 1.5 years is a really long time to "move in" especially that you've been together a while.

 

You're 40, can you afford to lose time? I'm 29 and I already feel that I've wasted lots of years being in relationships I knew were going no where. You need to have one last honest chat with him about it, you just gotta get to the bottom of this. Ask him what would make him happy too, don't just make it seem like it's all about your needs and your fears.

 

How is he with your girls? That's a very impressionable age.

[vintagesangria]

We spend time together when he is not working or with his friends essentially. I do believe he loves me, but honestly I do not think he knows how to love. He was taught to never trust anyone. He has talked of living together, soul mates, and marriage for 2 years- which he always said he wanted no matter what and has never loved anyone like he does me. He calls my kids "his kids" and yet does not seem to know when he doesn't put us first. Thank you for the reply.

[vintagesangria]

He refers to my girls as his kids. However, after telling the girls for 1.5 years he was moving, which I never pressured him on, they are also over it. Basically he is like my day, and they see it. My dad has had the same "girlfriend" for 30 years, and will die all alone in his trailer. I love him more than any man but I am only 40- we even were pregnant and miscarried. I do believe I am too young to date forever. I want a soul mate if he does exist.

[vintagesangria]

Ya- that is what I'm thinking as well. Every time he gets mad- which he does often and gets very mad- he takes back the key to his house. Which now at this point I am over. I love him- but he needs something else- maybe not love- maybe greater love- IDK. But obviously I'm not it.

[vintagesangria]

I wish it had been me pressuring him- or me making him- easy fix. However moving in was his idea. He constantly talks of our future, our house, our girls, and us as soul mates. It's very odd.

[vintagesangria]

Agreed. I think he loves something about single life that I can not grasp or even fathom.

[vintagesangria]

like my dad- not day-

[coolheadal]

Hello all!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years. He is a single guy- never married or even close- he's 49. I just turned 40. I was married for 18 years before I divorced and met him 4 months after leaving my ex. I am a single mom to 3- all teens- not easy. I work very hard and make a good living. My boyfriend has been telling me he was moving in "a few months" for about the last 1.5 years- if not longer. He constantly tells me he loves me. He does say he can't imagine his life without me- BUT seriously won't move in. He has even told my girls (13, 16) that he was moving in with a date but the date comes and goes with nothing. I refuse any monetary help from him because he is literally only my boyfriend. He constantly has another reason he won't move- like he wanted to pay off his house (which he owns with and lives with his 48 year brother), he had to settle things, or that I needed to resolve my mourning for my lost mother (which she died when I was 22) or my son whom has been gone 5 months.

 

I tell him very clearly that I need his security and stability every night.

 

He constantly has to work (he is an independent contractor) unless there is an opportunity to hang with pals and go to Vegas or skateboarding etc...

 

How long should I wait for him to actually move in?

 

I feel like it is never going to happen----and I am not even talking marriage yet which he says he wants to marry me. How long should I wait for him to move in?

 

Have I already waited too long?

 

Pardon me, but you haven't been to upfront with us all what's details other than what you have mention have you left out of this story?

 

Let's assume you have told us everything.

 

1. He doesn't want to be your kids step-dad

2. He doesn't want the added responsibility of living with you 24/7

3. He's just clowning around with you saying what you want to hear.

4. He has someone else on the side beside you who he lives with but you don't know that woman exist because he has not moved in with you.

5. He happy with the current situation as it is now.

 

You have your hands full already you have grown kids 13/16 and they need a lot of attention, where you are not giving him 100% attention you may say otherwise but you can't because your a mom and have to be parent also. He might not want that, if he doesn't have kids already if he does he doesn't want the added ache managing your own. He might be there just for the heck of it.

 

You see my dear life fudge-up and you just have to fudge-up along with it.

This man can do whatever he wants too and you just have to put-up or shut-up about it. 3.5 years together so what, could be longer than that. Just accept what you have and live like you do. His excuses are just that more lies and you are okay with it.

 

That pretty much sums up your life except you have left out a few more critical details...

[Gaeta]

We spend time together when he is not working or with his friends essentially.

 

So his friends have priority over you? That does not sound like a lot of time spent together. Does he spend weekends over? Does he stay over mid-week?

 

I think this man is happy with things just the way they are. After all this time I think you can stop believing his fake promises. If living under same roof with a man is your ultimate goal than break up and find a new man that is more relationship-oriented.