I'm in a terrible dilemma!!

[totallytorn123]

I'm freaked that I'm making really bad decisions. The guy I've been seeing for almost 5 years always seems to have money issues, causing me to break up on several occasions only to reconcile within a month since we both love each other.

However, at this point, he lost his job almost 6 months ago and he is almost 65 years old with no savings but he did inherit $50,000; but that will need to be used to pay off $10,000 in credit cards and I suppose some living expenses if he isn't employed by the time unemployment runs out. He tells me that by next year he can collect social security so whatever he earns will be more than enough to take care of himself as far as living expenses.

 

I am a very conservative person with money, earn a very good living and have a comfortable nest egg. However, my funds are not enough to take care of someone else for the next 20 years.

 

In the interim, I met someone is very financially stable, has the same money values I do but we live about 90 min from each other and we both work full time. I don't believe he will retire for another 5 years or so and I can't afford to retire for at least 3 more years.

 

I am in such a dilemma; both men say they love me; the broke boyfriend wants to marry me once he is employed again (and that scares me too!!).

 

I know I need to do what's right for me; but what is that? I enjoy both men and neither is "perfect" for me but then neither am I. Do I go for the local bf I've seen for the last several years and take my chances on supporting him or do I let him go once and for all and take my chances with someone else???

 

I've been alone for 6 years since my late husband died and I'm ready for an estalbisehd releationship where I'd live with someone (or even more, like marriage if it was right).

 

Thoughts anyone???

[No_Go]

It is tough but if he's in a good health at 65 he can still work to support himself for the next 5-10 years. Or not?

 

I feel like the new guy is just a distraction because he's different than your BF.

 

But if you go back to your BF - my advice is NOT to marry him, just live together. He's too much of a mess to risk all your money with a legal marriage contract (do you have kids that will inherit you? think about that as well)

[Zahara]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/634662-scared-i-m-making-big-mistake

 

Do I go for the local bf I've seen for the last several years and take my chances on supporting him or do I let him go once and for all and take my chances with someone else???

 

Along with the advice you received in your other thread, you don't go for the local boyfriend. You go with supporting yourself and your child and his needs. You broke with the local bf several times due to his mismanagement of money. Retaining a new job doesn't guarantee he is going to be supportive towards you or your child because he is patterned and wired to live irresponsibly. If at 65 he still has no capability of managing his finances, it's likely never happening.

 

Loneliness doesn't justify sticking to man that doesn't and cannot provide you with a nurturing and supportive relationship. You are sticking to this one because of your fear of being alone. So having just about anyone is better than having no one. That's no way to live.

 

As for long distance, you can leave the door open to that and let it develop and see where it goes.

Edited September 15, 2017 by Zahara

[Zahara]

I've been alone for 6 years since my late husband died and I'm ready for an estalbisehd releationship where I'd live with someone (or even more, like marriage if it was right).

 

Then local bf is not the one for you.

[Mike B.]

A 65 year old healthy man is sort of like having a car that is running really well but has 250, 000 miles on it. Something very expensive is bound to break on it soon and when it does, the financial costs of it can be devastating if you cannot cover the costs. Are you prepared to support him through scenarios such as this?

It will be difficult for you to live with him and not do so.

[Gaeta]

The guy I've been seeing for almost 5 years always seems to have money issues, causing me to break up on several occasions only to reconcile within a month since we both love each other.

 

Love is not enough. At 65 you have enough life experience to know that.

 

A 5 year relationship that has broken up several times is not meant to be. One of you is keeping this relationship on life support and it's time to pull the plug.

 

In the interim, I met someone is very financially stable, has the same money values I do but we live about 90 min from each other and we both work full time. I don't believe he will retire for another 5 years or so and I can't afford to retire for at least 3 more years

 

I am in such a dilemma; both men say they love me; the broke boyfriend wants to marry me once he is employed again (and that scares me too!!).

 

So while you are in relationship you went out there and seduced another man? If this long-distance man says he *loves* you it means this is not just an innocent meeting. You are cheating both of them.

 

My thoughts? you need to remain single till you figure out how to be in a relationship.

[Versacehottie]

I'm freaked that I'm making really bad decisions. The guy I've been seeing for almost 5 years always seems to have money issues, causing me to break up on several occasions only to reconcile within a month since we both love each other.

However, at this point, he lost his job almost 6 months ago and he is almost 65 years old with no savings but he did inherit $50,000; but that will need to be used to pay off $10,000 in credit cards and I suppose some living expenses if he isn't employed by the time unemployment runs out. He tells me that by next year he can collect social security so whatever he earns will be more than enough to take care of himself as far as living expenses.

 

I am a very conservative person with money, earn a very good living and have a comfortable nest egg. However, my funds are not enough to take care of someone else for the next 20 years.

 

In the interim, I met someone is very financially stable, has the same money values I do but we live about 90 min from each other and we both work full time. I don't believe he will retire for another 5 years or so and I can't afford to retire for at least 3 more years.

 

I am in such a dilemma; both men say they love me; the broke boyfriend wants to marry me once he is employed again (and that scares me too!!).

 

I know I need to do what's right for me; but what is that? I enjoy both men and neither is "perfect" for me but then neither am I. Do I go for the local bf I've seen for the last several years and take my chances on supporting him or do I let him go once and for all and take my chances with someone else???

 

I've been alone for 6 years since my late husband died and I'm ready for an estalbisehd releationship where I'd live with someone (or even more, like marriage if it was right).

 

Thoughts anyone???

 

Um, the thing that stands out to the most, is that why are you going to trust someone who is notoriously bad with his money who tells you that his social security money is going to be enough????!!! He obviously doesn't have much sense about money and with virtually no savings i think he's in for a rude awakening when he tries to live off social security. There are stories every day about people who are much more responsible with their money not being able to live off that meager amount. Depending on how and where you live, $40K is going virtually nowhere. And sad to say but someone who is 65 with spotty work history is probably not getting hired. This also probably means he has no health insurance. It's a rough world, I guess when it comes to this stuff. I would be seriously freaked out if my mom was considering getting serious with a guy like this. It puts the other person in financial peril. Because once you take on this "burden", you will feel horrible not helping him out and that looks like it's going to be a major part of the "deal".

[bpb2017]

he is almost 65 years old with no savings but he did inherit $50,000; but that will need to be used to pay off $10,000 in credit cards and I suppose some living expenses if he isn't employed by the time unemployment runs out.

 

I'm almost certain that the remaining $40k will run out in a year or sooner. When you don't have incomings any savings you have just vanishes.

[limichelle]

To be honest OP,

 

You need to be true to yourself and you're settling with either guy. Also it's not fair to the two guys you're juggling.

 

Time to be single until the right one comes along that doesn't have you guessing.

 

Lisa

[Redhead14]

My advice to you is to dump both of them and start over when you have a grip on reality -- i.e. where you are in your life. You don't have time to jerk yourself around with two guys who aren't exactly what you need, especially the one who also doesn't have a good grip on where he is in his life and isn't actively putting himself in a better position for his future.

 

At your age, I wouldn't be standing around looking at taking on guys who are projects or guys that aren't available on a regular basis. That 90 minutes is going to wear you both down eventually. And, you both have full-time jobs that neither of you should quit in order to move closer to one another.

 

If you have two poor candidates knocking on your door right now, I'm willing to bet you can find another guy who is a better fit at least. Put these guys in the wind.

[MidwestUSA]

How do you feel about fact that he lost his business and assets by committing fraud?

 

I'm ten years younger than him, and have already experienced some subtle age discrimination while job searching. It's going to be really tough for him as a criminal. He'd be lucky to get in as a Walmart greeter.

 

You're looking at guy #2 because he's a total opposite. Drop them both and start over; it's not too late.

[smackie9]

You don't need to marry anyone. Don't base your future on some BF or other dude. Worry about yourself, supporting yourself and your future. If you do meet someone, keep your finances separate. It's too late in the game to be sharing assets with someone else. Be independent.

[Redhead14]

I completely agree that at a certain age, it's not necessary to marry or live with anyone. It's quite possible to have a satisfying and committed relationship with someone while maintaining independence. We are past the age where we are going to have children so marriage isn't a real priority. I am certainly past that point.

 

And, really, if you decide that you are so in love with a guy who isn't a good candidate for marriage and don't want to leave them, you actually have the "luxury" of being able to do that so long as you don't become each other's "keepers" in any way shape or form . . . if they are your source of companionship and comfort, are of good character and mutually supportive, great. Just don't co-mingle your lives to the extent that they would drag you down with them in a crisis.

 

And, let's face it, at a late age, either one or both of you could become seriously ill or even pass away. If that happens, the "survivor" doesn't have any encumberments. It may sound a little cold, but that's truth of it.

 

As single, mature adults our focus and priorities are really different than those younger adults who are just starting out in life. We've worked really hard to be where we are. And, having been there done that -- marriage, divorce, engagement to a man who passed away shortly before the wedding, I'm not going to risk all that I have now for anyone.

[kendahke]

Airtight prenups.

 

Put your assets in your grown children's names, provided they love you and aren't leeches.

 

At the end of the day, you are not required to marry anyone just because he wants to marry you.

[The Urbanyst]

Have you considered going with NEITHER of them? lol

 

Why do you act like you're stuck with two bad choices? You actually have a third choice which is neither of them.

 

I would never want to be with a woman who sees me as a bad choice for her and is only with me because she doesn't want to be alone. Just sounds like a recipe for drama, fights, and dysfunction.

 

Is being single for a while really that bad?